I am going to try to make a long story short. My husband got involved with meth & marijuana. The meth moreless took over his life leaving myself and our 3 kids out of his world. I knew something was going on, but never expected him to be having an affair (or drugs for that matter). I got a call from OW boyfriend telling me that my H was at her apt. I went down there and literally drug him out of there. He denied any romantic involvement with her. I did an intervention and had him put into detox and treatment. In the meantime this OW was visiting him and he proceeded to tell me that since I put him in detox it was driving him to OW.

Anyway, when he got out of treatment, he went to live with her. I cried nearly 2 weeks before I got up and out of the house. Went and had some fun to get my mind off things. I tried to stay away from home at all costs just because I didn't like seeing him come and go with OW down to his shop. He didn't think twice about bringing her to our home. In fact, I spent the night at my parents one night, came home the next morning and found them in my bed! Called the cops to have them removed, but there is nothing they could do since I was still married to H.

It has been a long 6 months. I filed for divorce, started seeing a therapist and started living my life again. I started seeing a man (which my therpist did not agree with and said it was too soon) who has lived thru an affair (his W left him for OM), and he is very compassionate about my feelings and knows what I am going thru. Although he does not understand the drug connection. He has been very patient and has never "pushed" me to make any quick decisions. He actually introduced me to the MB website and Surviving an Affair book.

H and I have always been close and still remain good friends, which most find strange. I don't want him to think I am abandoning him and want him to know that I am there for him when it comes to his "addiction". What I can't deal with is the OW.

So, over the course of 6 months H has come back to me several times and then left after a couple of days. It never sticks and he runs back to OW. Just before Christmas he told me he wanted back his family for good, he was done with OW and that this was a decision he had been making within himself over a period of time. He said the longer he went without using the more he saw that was all he and OW had in common. He wanted his family back and realized how much we mean to him. Reluctantly I took him back. He put on his wedding ring and has worn it ever since. I can not wear mine as it seems our vows meant nothing to him.

I told H that I needed to end things with the guy I was seeing and he agreed I do so in person. My friend understood and he and I have remained unconnected for 3 weeks now. I feel lost without him and I am trying so hard to believe my marriage can work. I saw in this other relationship how great it could be when you don't have to worry about a meth addict and an affair. When the slate is clean and you are not always worried about the past and future at the same time.

To make matters worse. I gave my H a drug test and it was dirty. He did a line he says he found. Said he didn't think it was a big deal since I had told him "I could have dealt with just the drugs, but not the OW". Making excuses for himself.

I am now on 2 different anit-depressants and a sleeping and anxiety med. I feel like I have no where to go, yet I want to move. I feel as though H needs me to beat his addiction and I worry more about him than I do myself. Since he has moved home we have had sex 1 time, other than that he sleeps on the opposite side of the bed and has no sex drive. I don't want to base my decision on intimacy, but there is none...we may as well be co-existing parents. I feel like 2nd best to his drug addicted ex.

H says I need to decide what it is I am so upset about; either the sex, the OW, the drugs. I tell him ALL of it. He wants to forget the past and move on in the future. I feel I can't unless I get answers, and yet, I don't know if I want the answers.

I am sorry if I am rambling. Hopefully someone out there will relate with me. It may not be a meth addiction, it may be alcohol or marijuana. Its all an addiction and I don't know how to deal with all this.

L

I'm sorry....Meth is a very bad thing and I've had to deal with it and my WW. When on this drug, emotions are very disconnected and the world is a fantasy in every aspect. Paranoia sets in, then dillusions get you.

He needs more than detox.

You both need to stop contact with your A partners. Get him into a program, THEN worry about fixing the marriage. He needs to be fixed FIRST.

DF is right...focus on fixing the addiction first. You can't do ANYTHING to move forward with your marriage while that's still in the picture.

And if you want to work on your M, you need to get of YOUR OM now. You can't possibly work on your marriage and be seeing someone else too.

This sounds like a really messy situation to me.

and the little children suffer

because there is no clear headed adult willing to keep them away from dangerous people and things

your H is dangerous ... drug addicts should not be allowed around your children ... even if they are a blood relative

if your H tested "dirty" after his recovery program ... kick him out to protect your children from his hideous lifestyle

men you are not married to should never be around your children ... in-out a revolving door ... it gives children a sense of instability to see their mother dating strange men while their little lives are in chaos

NO

it matters not if you are angry
or hurt
or lonely
or sad

your priority is to keep your children out of harms way

and you are not doing this

focus on being the parent who enforces safety boundaries around your kids

this is no longer about your marriage
no longer about your needs
no longer about what you want

it is 100% about your children
their needs
their safety
their sense of security

you do not need any man right now
you need to step up and be the ROCK in your childrens' lives

you are their only hope

next time your H does drugs in your home
call the police

Pep

Kick him out there is NO recovery or reperation with the the mind of an active junkie....

get to Ala-non
he must be involved in Narc-annonymous

active recovery program

get legal counsel for supervised visits...

H says I need to decide what it is I am so upset about; either the sex, the OW, the drugs. I tell him ALL of it. He wants to forget the past and move on in the future. I feel I can't unless I get answers, and yet, I don't know if I want the answers

tell husband he needs to get out and get clean for six months minimal before you will even put one ounce of energy concerning yourself about what he thinks YOU need to do...

you are enabling
and
condoning..

your desire to win him from the OW is over-riding your rational thought and logic

look at your sentence here....

H and I have always been close and still remain good friends, which most find strange.

married men bringing other women to sleep in their wives beds do not now nor ever meet the definition of FRIENDS

you are changing the definitions to keep him near you...

I am sorry about you finding that other guy ..but it is correct that you are way way to hurt right now to have any type of relationship

too vulnerable
too volatile...

the children already have one parent endangering them....

you must get over having him in your life at any cost..

you must not take responsibility for his serious destructive behaviors ...

the most alarming thing you said is...

I feel as though H needs me to beat his addiction and I worry more about him than I do myself.

dangerous dangerous dangerous thought pattern you are engaging in..

get yourself in a support group this week so can gain insight in to YOUR actions....

he must hit bottom and you keep padding his bottom...

so what's the incentive to quit anything...

be well
be strong

ARK

What ARK said...over & over & over. I strongly believe he is still engaging in his drug habit. No sexual desire? One of many red flags I see in your post. I know. I've lived this nightmare.

My FWH was an addict - meth. I enabled for too long and he drained me and our back account. He slept with a skanky co-worker after nights of drinking & drugging. Our 3 sons had no respect for him though they were too young to know why.

Finally realizing that I needed to protect myself & my children, I offered him 2 choices:

1. Get out and stay out!

or

2. Complete a 28-day in-house rehab and stay clean FOREVER while working on our marriage and being a better father.

He chose #2. It is now four years later. He is clean, loving, involved in every aspect of our children's lives, and continues to make up for the devastation he caused.

So...is there hope for you? Not unless you deal with his addiction first. Tough love. Kick him to the curb until he can prove he's been clean for at least 6 months. THEN, you can deal with the other issues (i.e. infidelity). If he can't? Say goodbye to him and make a loving, stable home for your children.

Tatertot

Your husbands problem with sex, drugs and the OW are all related. It deals with his addiction to drugs. Those with addictions are looking for escapes from their emotions. And they can find those escapes in the drug, sex or other outlets. So if he is using drugs, then sex may be unimportant because he is getting his escape from the drug. Until the addiction is under control the marriage problems cannot be resolved.