Post deleted by rld1177

Your wife sounds like she needs attention from you. How much do you give her and how is it done?

Hi rld -

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you have to be here, but this is a great place to get you on track with recovering your marriage.

First, it sounds like your wife might have a problem with alcohol. Two one-night stands within weeks of each other after heavy drinking? Not a good sign. Does she still drink?


She loves you like a friend because she's in an affair. She won't find that "spark" she's looking for with you until she ends her affair and goes No Contact for life with her EA partner.

In the meantime, read up on Plan A. Work on making you the best husband, father and person you can be.

I'll see if I can find Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A. Also, read the thread by Longhorn for newly betrayed spouses (in the Just Found Out section). You should install a keylogger on her computer as well, so you can monitor the EA and whether or not NC is put in place and maintained.

Read, post and listen. You will get lots of help here.

rld -

I've bumped Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A for you. If you don't see it, here it is for your reading and implementing pleasure:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

A couple more links for you:

First, you can find the Carrot and Stick of Plan A thread here (link) .

Second, here is the link to Longhorn's thread for Newly Betrayed Spouses - For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Post deleted by rld1177

She needs to build the trust not you! If she's asking for no keylogger then there is something to hide.

The only one she needs to discuss the ONS is with YOU and nobody else.

Take control here. Reinstall keylogger, access phone records, and let her know you are doing it to save the marriage. If she's talking to this stranger about YOUR relationship and he wants her....I don't know how this helps your position at all.

And this shows us you are enabling the EA and letting her walk all over you. You want that? The only way to work through the issue is to have NC with this guy.....his intentions are obvious and you should feel threatened.

rld -

As DedicatedFather said, reinstall it. Check her cell phone records. Get a voice-activated digital record to place in her car.

SHE is the one who destroyed the trust in your marriage, not you. SHE is the one who needs to rebuild the trust, not you.

Yes, you are 100% responsible for YOUR contributions to your marriage that left it vulnerable to an affair.

[color:"red"]HOWEVER, SHE is 100% responsible for her contributions as well, and MOST DEFINATELY 100% responsible for HER CHOICE to have an affair. [/color]


I'm not suggesting anything. I'm telling you that if you want any chance at recovering your marriage, she must stop her A. It may only be an EA, but given the opportunity it will become a PA. That's what happened in my case.


If you do not take a stand now, your marriage will be messed up.

I'm not trying to be rude or callous. I've been in your shoes. I've spent a year being a doormat and allowing my wife to dictate terms of our recovery. The end result? We're nowhere near recovery.

Women are not attracted to men they can walk over. They want a man they can respect. That respect starts within you. You must respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to respect you.

You need to tell your wife that she has to cut off contact with the OM forever, or your marriage will not recover. You need to consider exposing her EA to people you both know who may be able to positively influence her.

Of course she doesn't want anybody to know about the ONS or this EA - affairs thrive in secrecy.

Define your boundaries, state them to your wife. If she doesn't comply, enforce consequences. As long as you live in fear of upsetting your wife or the situation, nothing good will come of it. I guarantee you.

One more thing. I have to disagree with DedicatedFather on one thing.

DO NOT tell her you've reinstalled the keylogger, or that you're monitoring her other activities. She'll simply go further underground with her A.

Snoop, snoop and snoop some more. Get the information you need to make a decision as to what YOU want to do. If she finds out you're monitoring her, then tell her that you are committed to saving your marriage, and will do what it takes.

If you choose to confront her over the evidence you gather, DO NOT tell her how you got it. How you got it, as I recently told my wife, didn't matter. What matters is what you and her are going to do about your marriage.

Post deleted by rld1177

rld -

I would be highly suspicious of this lunch date with a friend. Did she say who it was? Do you know that person and can you contact them to verify it?


First, you did not drive her to set up a meeting with OM. She chose to do that.

Secondly, yes, you are working with two personalities here. Currently you're dealing with your WW (Wayward Wife)...view her as someone abducted by aliens. The person you want is your wife. She's in there somewhere, but right now the alien has control.


You're marriage can survive anger, it cannot survive an affair.

If you just let this fade out, you're marriage will be built on a foundation of sand. Nothing will change - it will still be vulnerable to an affair. In fact, I'm willing to bet that affairs will be the normal course of action for your wife going forward.

She has to commit to NC and total honesty and transparency - account for all her time, finances, etc. Without these things in place, especially NC, you cannot recover your marriage.

Look...I know this sounds counter-intuitive. But it works! Not every time, because it takes 2 to be married. But it has a very high success rate. There are plenty of stories on here where marriages were on the brink of divorce due to affairs that have been recovered. They were recovered by using the principles outlined on this site.

Taking your wife's word about not meeting OM is a guaranteed way to find yourself betrayed again. I thought my wife had NC in place since June. I didn't have any monitoring software on her laptop, though I did have access to a good number of her accounts.

And then at the end of November I got into one of her old e-mail accounts and found contact in July and again in November.

Plain and simple - a WS (Wayward Spouse) CANNOT be trusted. They are addicted to the affair, and they will do everything they can to get their fix.

Verify everything you can, and watch like a hawk. She'll tell you what you want to hear so you'll leave her alone long enough to get her next fix.

Your M can't "build" until you have total honesty. You can't have honesty so long as she is having a seceret conversation with another man--cyberspace or face-to-face doesn't matter it is still a secret, and therefore a lie.

She is BUILDING something with someone else so long as she spends time with OM on-line. Let her know this is NOT OK!

Give her the conversation and attention she is seeking on-line.

Follow Pep's Carrot Plan....and follow your wife to the mall! (Sunday lunch with a co-worker? Shouldn't you be having lunch together on Sunday instead considering you are gone a lot?)

would she come here to "talk"?

there are people here that can relate to what she is going thru right now, myself included.

i too got caught up in the internet...

Post deleted by rld1177

rld -


Hold that thought. While these forums can be invaluable for both spouses in a marriage, it may be a bit too early to bring your wife here.

Right now you have a safe refuge to get input, develop a plan, and vent. If you're wife is here, she can read your threads. I have seen couples come on here and engage in fights on these forums - it is not uncommon.

You would be better served by getting a plan together here first, getting your plan put in place, and then at an appropriate time bringing your wife here.

Just my two cents.

Thanks for the feedback, and I appreciate the advice from everyone today.