I HAD A THREE MONTH AFFAIR 10 MONTHS AGO. I ENDED THE AFFAIR AND TOLD MY WIFE. I APOLGIZED AND BEGGED FORGIVENESS. WE AGREED TO TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH COUNSELING. THINGS WERE GREAT FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS THEN SHE BEGAN TO DISTANCE HER SELF FROM ME. WE SEPARATED AND THINGS HEATED UP AGAIN BUT SOON FIZZLED. I MOVED BACK IN AND SHE HAS BEEN DOING THINGS TO DISTANCE HERSELF THAT ARE SIMILIAR TO THE THINGS I DID WHEN HAVING THE AFFAIR.SHE IS ALSO GOING TO BARS AND DRESSING IN SEXIER CLOTHING THAN SHE EVER DID. SHE SAYS SHE WANTS A DIVORCE, I DONT. WHAT DO I DO??????????

Have you considered she is having a "revenge" affair?

Sounds like a distinct possibility.

I DO THINK THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE, HOWEVER I HAVE DONE ALOT OF INVESTIGATIVE WORK AND EVERYTIME I THINK IM ON TO SOMETHING, IT TURNS TO BE NOTHING. TRUST ME UNFORTUNATLEY I KNOW WHATS GOING ON DURING AN AFFAIR.

Maybe she learned from you, and she's just gone deeper underground. You need to exhaust every effort to find out if that's the case. Her disconnect, the sexy clothes, the bar scene are all very big red flags.

Scour phone bills, credit card purchase, put a key logger on the home computer, get a voice activated phone recorder for your land line, search her drawers, purse, travel bags, glove box, trunk and every hidey hole you can think of. Women typically retain "keepsakes". Follow her some night when she's out in a car borrowed from a buddy. Hire a PI.

In the mean time, consider calling the Harley's (founder of this site) and schedule a phone appointment and get a plan from the professionals. It's not cheap, but it's far cheaper than a divorce.

Stick around and read and learn. There is a wealth of good advice and experience on these forums.

SD

I DO THINK THERE IS SOMETHING PULLING HER AWAY. MAYBE A CO WORKER THAT SHE CONFIDES IN WHILE AT WORK. SHE DID SAY AFTER I REVEALED THEA THAT SHE HAD INTEREST IN A CO WORKER. WETHER OR NOT THAT WAS JUST TO GET AT ME I DONT KNOW.ITS ISNT IT IRONIC THAT ITS DRIVING ME THE "CHEATER" CRAZY

THANKS FOR THE INFO. SOUNDS LIKE I HAVE ALOT OF DETECTIVE WORK AHEAD OF ME

Would you mind not capitalizing every letter?

It would make your posts easier to read.

~ Marsh

I'd go with a PI personally.

I would also say..that even if there isn't an OM [yet] she probably IS in a WS frame of mind and that this may be what is tipping you off.

So I'd probably begin my plan A studies even in the absense of hard evidence.

sorry, bad habit

well, thanks for the help. i have to go spy now. she is getting out of work soon

The place to start is by reading the first 4 threads on the Just Found Out forum. There is a wealth of "start up" information there. Next, go to the home page of this site, and read all you can about infidelity.

Also, purchase a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and read it as soon a possible. There's a wealth of info there, and most advice is given based on Harley's principals, which are covered in the book. All the advice you receive will make a lot more sense to you.

SD

i already have an update. she just brought empty boxes home from work. says she is just taking some things to store at her parents. its hard for me not to nag as to what her plans are, i think thats probably not the thing to do. im just starting to panic and it is hard for me to keep my emotions in check. i have had a lot of setbacks as far as acting out with anger and sadness since she has been acting this way.i know thats doing nothing but pushing her away.

another thing to mention is that she has basically left it up to me to file for d. she said that i got us into this mess then i should get us out. i dont know if this is a test to see if im willing to give up or what. i do know that there is no way in H that im going to file.

PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE STARTED FROM THE BEGINING OF THE TROUBLE. MY WIFE IS THE ONLY CHILD AND IS VERY CLOSE TO HER PARENTS. MY MOTHER WAS DIAGNOSED WITH TERMINAL ILLNESS IN 2002. WE WERE ALREADY ENGAGED. WE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED IN TIME FOR MY MOTHER TO ATTEND IN FALL 2003, SHE DID, IT WAS A GREAT DAY. AS THE NEXT YEAR WENT ON I SPENT A GREAT DEAL OF TIME TAKING CARE OF MOM (KHEMO,BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS). I DETECTED PROBLEMS WITH WIFE THEN. SHE BEGAN TO BECOME DISTANT AND ANGRY. I BEGAN TO RESENT HER BEHAVIOR DURING MY MOMS ILLNESS. MY MOM DIED IN 04. AT THIS TIME WE HAD TO TAKE IN MY 19 YR OLD SISTER. THAT MADE A LOT OF ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS. WIFE BEGAN STAYING AT HER PARENTS 24/7 IN JUNE 05 SISTER WAS ASKED TO MOVE OUT. I WAS ANGRY. FOR THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS THE WIFE MADE LOVE TO ME APPROX 3 TO 4 TIMES AND SHE STILL WENT TO HER PARENTS ALL THE TIME .IN DEC. 05 I HAD A THREE MONTH AFFAIR AND TOLD ALL IN FEB 06. WE WERE DOING REALLY WELL UNTIL JULY WHEN WIFE BECAME DISTANT WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY HER CHANGING THE WAY SHE DRESSES AND TOOK OFF WEDDING RINGS. AFTER TRIAL SEPARATION SHE SAYS SHE WANTS D. I DONT.

Sounds like the "perfect" Wayward Spouse script to me. They all say the same things. She wants you to do the dirty work.

We call the Waywards fog dwellers, or living like in a fog... or joke that aliens have abducted their brains, because little they do or say makes sense.

Read about LoveBusters.... angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, etc. and see that you eliminate them from your actions. This is a very important change you must make. Waywards will do all they can to provoke you into ugly behaviour, which helps them justify the affair.

Read, read, read...learn, learn, learn... and we'll get you through this...

Best wishes,
SD

you really think its an affair? i just dont want my suspicions to be wrong. boy wont i look like a real schmuck.you are right she is trying to push my buttons right now. telling me about male friend at work that she confided in that says i was seen at bar w/ another woman, not even the ow! completely false! hes been waiting for me to mess up for 10 yrs. i dont suspect him though. but his friend that also works there is becoming a concern. she keeps telling about conversations she had with him at the bar last night. trying to get a rise out of me?

i think she is definitely interested in someone and is trying to "test the waters". she has made mention of the possibility of remarriage. she also asked if we got d will we ever see eachother again. other things like boxing up wedding pics but not throwing them away. same with old love letters. i wonder if that means anything?

The reason she is the way she is, is because she's probably at least in an EA with another man. Don't ignore those gut feelings, because they are generally right on the mark.

Please do a thorough snoop, but don't get caught and tip her off. Share no information with her right now. You are in private eye mode. And if you do find evidence, don't confront her until you come here for advice and guidance...or you can thwart your chances of success!

Snoop!

SD

you are right. just takes a lot of discipline. whenever i think i got something i want to uncover it and i know that will mess it all up