update.she quit wear wedding rings about 5 months ago, i took possesion of them. i also foolishly quit wearing mine (dont ask me why) i started wearing mine last night. this morning she asked for hers back, although she is not wearing them.

Don't try to understand any of her actions and/or words, because it will just be a waste of your time. When a WS is in the fog, they comprehend nothing that goes on in the "real" world. Trying to make sense out of a nonsensible person will keep you from starting the MB program, and exercising it to the fullest. Stay out of her chaos.

Get the book, "Surviving an Affair" and read it as soon as possible. Keep reading, learning and posting. These forums will help guide you into making decisions and taking actions that are part of a plan, not just random "well I had to do 'something'" actions.

Climb aboard and hang on...it's a he(( of a roller coaster ride!

SD

thanks SD, your advice is helping get through this. i kind of feel awkward asking for advice when i am the FWH. i got the book surviving an affair and plan to start reading it asap. should i read it in private? I dont know how she will react since she is acting as if its over she might confront me and say things like its too late for that.

she also has said quite a few times that its just not the affair thats making her want the d but other things. my guess is that the other things are hanging out with friends(drinking),having difficulties getting over moms death,playing hockey softball and bowling. i have really thought alot about things and realize i have done alot to cause the breakdown in our marriage, i know i have to change this selfish behavior to save my marriage or be successful in future relationships. i just hope the change isnt too late for my marriage

One of the first requirement of Plan A is to cease and desist from all your actions that are detrimental to a marriage. Another of Harley's recommendations is to spend 15 hours of quality time with your spouse. Read about Love Busters and eliminate them from your life. Give up a hobby or two, or reduce your committment (or the time after with the beer and the boys!) and spend that time with your W. Look for a hobby or leisure time activity that you can share with your wife. It may not be "all you dreamed of" at first, but something that may grow on you.

Keep reading, but keep Marriage Builders to yourself for a while, until you fully understand it, have fully employed the Plan A portion, and have made some self improvements that have proved the test of time. MB should be your secret weapon for getting yourself "remade" into a man who's a better husband! This all takes a lot of focus and effort, but the gold ring on your finger is the prize! Keep your eye on the prize.

If and as things calm down, a better book to "share" with your W would be Harley's "His Needs/Her Needs", which spells out a number of guidelines to follow to build an affair resistant marriage...but all things in good time, eh?

Best wishes,
SD

i think some of the things im doing are affecting her. i dont know if for the good or bad. i know i shouldnt analyze her, but im am taking mental notes. she has been a little more cordial to me today. i have not been reacting to the digs she has been taking lately. you know, talking about us not being together in the future. in the past i would fly off the handle or get real sad, now i just grin and bear it.

i feel almost liberated kinda like ive seen the light. the way i was in our relationship was completely selfish. i didnt think of her at all while my mom was sick or while my sister lived here.the things i did were all things only i can do. we never put us first!

i just wish i would have had this moment of clarity 10 months ago when we began our recovery. the last 10 months the only thing i changed was that i was faithful. that wasnt the only thing wrong with us. i just think if i would have done these things in the begining of recovery we would be in a way better relationship right now.

oy yeah, where do i find plan a at?

I will bump up some threads you should read... Bob's toolkit for the newly betrayed and the "carrot and stick of Plan A."

Read and learn all you can. Also read all you can about infidelity starting at the Home page of this website.... learn everything you can possibly absorb, as it will all be a part of your arsenal in winning this battle.

Best wishes,
SD

well, i discovered that she goes to live journal.com by looking in the search history. i guess my dilema is whether or not i should snoop into what she is writing and/or who shes chatting with?

If she is having an A, wouldn't you want to know?

I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. I confirmed my worst nightmare as I began snooping. Follow your gut feeling as it is your body's way of warning you.

well it has been a while since my last post. in that time i have pretty much no proof of an a of any type is going on. i have discovered, however, that she has her parents and her friend in her ear encouraging to get a d and ask for alimony. in the last few weeks i feel like we have been making progress although she still will not let her "guard" down. things have been pretty civil. i have made a lot of personal changes and am reacting to things in a whole different manner.

yesterday we saw our counselor. after he saw w alone for a while he talked to me and said that he thinks that the changes i have been making and me holding on is having a positive affect. he encouraged me to keep it up.

of course i felt cautiously optimistic about the news. well my optimism lasted for less than 24 hours. she came home from work after seeing a friend of mine that she associates with my a and said basically that she hopes my next wife has an affair on me. So there went my optimism. I am going to stay the course and focus on what i need to do and hope for the best. I have a feeling im going to beat myself up over this a for the rest of my life no matter how this turns out.

She is going to fluctuate back and forth for a while until she trusts you again. What is happening is a natural defense mechanism kicking in warning her that she might get hurt again if she continues down this path. I would plan A her family as well as her. Something like asking their permission to marry her. Well, I would see them face to face and let them see in person your remorse.

I did the face to face meeting. They just sat there and said nothing. I was basically in tears professing my remorse and how much i missed them. the w told me the next day that her mom just said out loud " im sorry too." its like they all have built up this wall. i cant seem to get them to let it down. I just keep sticking to my plan of being a better person and husband and hope for the best. I also wrote her parents a letter shortly after d-day, they never opened it.

I'm pretty ruthless at this point, but I always say don't do unto others what you wouldn't want done to yourself. Sorry. But other than that, I think she might just be unable to get over it. Maybe you should try harder, or maybe you should both just move on.