For quite some time now I find my spouse "sneaking" away to talk on his cell phone. We have 3 daughters and my daughters have even been suspicious over his phone calls. This girls name keeps coming up on his phone and he said she is just a classmate and that she is probably calling all of the classmates. Well I questioned him again and I am not happy about this other female calling him all the time. He insists they are friends only and its nothing. Well every January my spouse flies to Las Vegas for a flag football tournament. I wanted to go this year for the first time. He told me he wouldn't have time to spend with me and I'll be by myself most of the weekend since he will be playing football games most of the time and since we won't be spending much time together it would just be cheaper for him to room with another player. Well, he agreed we would go away together another time that we could actually be together. So I was ok with that. Well I noticed that the charges on our credit card was alot higher for his vegas trip than we had previously been quoted. So, I got into his email to look at the itinerary. He booked this trip for 2! The tickets had his name and this other girls name. I AM SO DEVASTATED. I asked him to leave, he says he doesn't want to and that he is nothing without me and that it was a mistake and they are strictly friends. He says they have never been intimate and that they were going only as friends. I don't believe him. The trip was booked for only 1 hotel room and a king size bed. He is a liar. When I found out I called him immediately and begin screaming. I was so hurt. He tried to lie and say the tickets were under my and his name and he was taking me as a surprise. What he did is call the airline and switch the name on the ticket thinking I didn't really know who's name was on there originally. He called her and told her there will be no Vegas trip and that she was to stop calling him. I made him call in front of me. She kept saying "are you serious? is this a joke?" Then she proceeded to ask him if he was married. His answer was that I was the mother of his children! I kicked him when he said that then he says "well yes she is my wife and we are together" If she was such a "good friend" why didn't she know about me? He says the trip never happened so I shouldn't be so mad since he didn't "cheat" on me. But it didn't happen because I ruined his plans! His intentions were there and friends or not, obviously he planned on having sex with her. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am betraying myself by letting him stay. I don't trust him. He begged me to go to vegas with him. I refuse to take a trip that he planned with another woman. He says i'm just being crazy. Needless to say, he will not be going to Vegas at all. He is upset about that. I don't care if he is upset, but how can I trust him to go at all? He told me I could not go on this trip because he wouldn't have time to spend with me, yet he was willing to take another female and make time for her! Why? I am so hurt. I read all the information and I just can't see me getting over this. Right now I can't stand to look at him. I keep asking him to leave and he says he will do whatever it takes to correct this. I am so hurt. I just don't know what to do. The hurt just doesn't seem to stop.

They are not "Just" Friends your husband is "Just" a liar. He is trying to cover his tracks because you didn't actually catch him with his pants around his ankles. It is extremely likely that he has already slept with this woman more than once. You need to re-post this on the general questions II forum because you will get more responses and excellent advice. It's obvious to me that your husband is lying to you and you shouldn't believe a word that is coming out of his mouth from here on out. Unless you have solid evidence that his actions are matching his words don't believe him and verify everything for yourself. Why would a man pay for some random woman that he doesn't care about to go on a trip with him at the risk of losing everything he has at home? He must have been getting something from her that made him feel it was worth the risk.


If you allow him to sweep this under the rug and don't resolve the deeper issues that lead up to this Emotional (EA) and probably Physical (PA) affair it will happen again with someone else in the future. It's just that next time he will be far more careful and make it more difficult for you to find out. Right now you are hurting and probably want to ignore the truth that is just below the surface if you are willing to dig for it. If you let this go by trust me you will be twice as hurt when it happens again. Handle this right now.

I didn't even read your post, but I can tell you if you have suspicions, then they aren't just friends. It is either an EA or PA. Stand up and protect your marital boundaries including openness and honesty. Post in the General Questions II forum for more responses.

Welcome to Marriage Builders CSH.

I am truly sorry that you are here under these circumstances and that you are feeling terrible pain over your husband's betrayal.

Are you certain that contact has completely stopped?

Your husband is saying that you mean the world to him and he is willing to do anything to keep your marriage together. Is he able to be 100 percent open and honest with you about his actions related to this trip? It sounds as though he is still lying to you. It sounds as though you did a good job of investigating the L. V. trip and that he is unwilling to be open and honest with you about his actions.

He may still be in what we call "affair fog". Some wayward spouses will do and say anything to hide what they have done. They do this for a variety of reasons including but not limited to: embarrassment, concern that they will hurt their spouse more by telling the truth, concern that they will look like an evil person, denial even to themselves that they could ever do such a terrible thing.

We betrayed spouses tend to say they are saying, "blah, blah, blah, blah,blah." Usually the words they say about their affair actions during the affair and immediately after the affair are meaningless.

You need to get honesty from him to the questions that you feel you need answered. Is he willing to do this?

Make sure that contact has truly ended. He should be giving you complete access to all cell phone records, credit card records, his whereabouts at all times, other phone records, any and all passwords, etc.

One thing I asked my FWH to do was to stop using his work e-mail address for any personal correspondence or transactions of any sort. He showed me how to access his work e-mail and how to bring in his work e-mail. You need 100 percent transparency from him to help you feel safe. Is he willing to do that?

Please take care. You will get through this. Take care of yourself and make sure you are able to cope with the emotions you are feeling and still provide care for your children.

Post again and let us know how you are doing. There are very smart and caring people on this site who can help you in your recovery from this betrayal.
Lake