Hi everyone- I haven't posted in a while. Brief hx- my H had an EA, on the way to PA whne I caught him about 1 year ago. After discovering this, I discovered that he's been on the internet with women since the beginning of our marriage. HE had been caught once early on at this, promised to never do it again, bla, bla, bla. Turns out he never stopped.

So, needles to say, my faith in him is gone. We have decided to work on the marriage, and he's trying to do his part. I think he has a lot more changing to do than I do. He's always had secrets, and he's very P-A about EVERYTHING in his life. We've done some research on all of this and he's working on it. (without a profassional, which I think he desperately needs, and at this point I probably do too)

He has changed jobs b/c he wasn't honest about NC with OW at previous job. (never revealed how much she STILL popped in to his office- lead me to believe he NEVER saw her) So, rather than confront her, he quit and took a new job. This man will do anything to avoid confrontation with anyone- especially me. When it comes to career, however he is on top of his game- A+, #1 schmoozer. No problem confronting staff and solving problems that arise between faculty. He's applauded in the community for his take-charge, no-nonsense problem resolution. Just can't seem to do it at home.

Anyway, I think I still love him despite everything. We have two beautiful little girls and they adore their dad. I want to be a family.

My problem is trust. I can't trust. I am suspicious of EVERYTHING he does. If he stays at work to work out, I wonder who he's working out with. (doesn't help that his "right-hand man" at new job happens to be a beautiful woman who already adores him) He's had 1 conference so far since starting the new job (with right-hand woman) and I was a mess. I see what I'm turning into and I hate it. I It's killing me. I don't know how to let go of this insecurity, and anger. It's not me, and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this- always looking over my shoulder, checking up on him.

My question is, how do I start to move on- how do we start to build trust?? I think my H would be willing to try anything. I'm afraid it's going to get to the point where I have to decide between him and my mental health, and I will choose my sanity. I don't want to be angry anymore...any suggestions would be helpful.

"My question is, how do I start to move on- how do we start to build trust?? I think my H would be willing to try anything."

Obviously you can't trust him, because he continues doing things that show you that you can't trust him.

I would insist on counseling for both of you. And the new job already sounds like trouble.

Your WH sounds very, very much like mine - the big success story at work, the girls who adore him, the secrets, lies and deceit, the huge Conflict Avoider, the cruel Passive/Aggressive bully.

Please look at the links in my sig line, especially the first one. A lot of here are dealing with this.
Mulan

I read some of your threads in the past, and read up on P-A on the web sites you directed me to. Your case is a lot like looking a few years into the future for me. I can't imagine living with the suspicion and distrust for YEARS. It's already been a year, and it's consuming me.

Did counseling ever help you? Or him?

I honestly think H's the one who needs counseling. If he doesn't change, we can't move on. I know there's things I could do better, but I'm not ready to put the effort in b/c I still don't feel like he's proven himself. H still avoids conversations that might turn into conflict. (therefore AVOIDING things he SHOULD be talking to me about). I guess I would go along with "couples" counseling, but I'm not willing to take full or even half responsibility for our problems. And, I could see him schmoozing the counselor- he's very good at admitting his faults, agreeing to change. He's very BAD at follow-through.

What are we looking at, YEARS of therapy?? I could think of better ways to spend my time...