The Mary Poppins!

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening
weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available
all night. Would you care to select something from this
menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would
like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love
a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to
her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning,
Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at
the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs,
though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary
truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to
our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve
our service and would value your opinion," said the
receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out,
paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''
__________________

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I
want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof!

There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears
in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here." Poof!

There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible
to women."

Poof!

There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!!!

4 the Birds!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior???

The bird continued contritely, "May I ask what that poor, frozen turkey did beside me?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Contributed to "Humor In Uniform"

GOTTA LUV MOM!

I SPENT SEVERAL YEARS as a submariner, and while at sea we would have a celebration halfway through a patrol.

On one such night, the captain, who was serving dinner to the crew, tried to put some vegetables on a recruit's plate.

The young seaman wouldn't take them."With all due respect, sir," the recruit said, "I don't eat them for my mother, and she outranks you."

" Humor in Uniform"

The captain had executed a few maneuvers that had never been taught at the Naval Academy.

Angrily, the admiral in charge of the fleet flashed a quick message to the captain, saying, "You are the dumbest, most ignorant, absolutely idiotic sailor ever put on God's blue ocean!"

When it was delivered, the captain told the radioman to read it to him. The radioman hesitated. The captain insisted.

The radioman coughed and read the degrading message in front of a whole bridge full of officers.

Without skipping a beat, the captain covered for himself, saying, "Take that below and have it decoded!"

Marriages in Heaven!

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St.Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . .. .for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. Also, "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
__________________

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Men of Cloth Try Saving a Bear!

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot.

So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick.

So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

The Poker Game

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

A Christian Puppy!

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns.

Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"

My Evil Brother Was A Saint…

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Mozart Beyond the Grave?

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Skydiver, I have decided that you have assumed the role of humorist to all. And that you may be the alterego of someone else.

Groovey, baby I was just hopin you show up and take over the ball of fun!

More like ADD--Alterego? Hmmm who could it be? Must be snow white, yeah that does ring a bell, dust mop& multi taskin...

My home office today is officially [censored]& span, clean and organized! How else do we accomplish those mundanely ho hum drum, bornin glum tasks without the aid of those 7 sweet, adorable, amusing, cuddly, sooo cute dwarfs that help with chores and whistle at ya all day long!

Heaven forbid should we be all appear to be a glum lot...when in reality were all a good bunch of gummy bears at heart that all got "squished" rather badly there for awhile!

We're the real rebounders and "OK" with neurological diversity! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fifty fun things to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. Repeat: The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. OK!

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

"TV beats the WWW"

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

"A Minister And Lawyer"

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.

The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Here's another Humor Rim Shot!


"Replying to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:"


Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Here's some funny quotes from some funny people!


“Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.” Lily Tomlin

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” Woody Allen

“When I first met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was always!” Rita Rudner

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.” Bill Cosby

“A man in love isn’t complete until he’s married - then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

”A bank is a place that will lend you money - if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope

“Money won’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemies.” Spike Milligan

“I don’t consider me bald. I’m just taller than my hair.” Thom Sharp

“I figure you have the same chances of winning the lottery whether you play or not.” Fran Lebowitz

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You’ll never get 8 cats to pull a sled through snow!” Jeff Volkes

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies!” Kermit the frog

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” Lili Tomlin

“Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the whole weekend.” Zenna Schaffer

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen

“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me.” Alice R. Longworth

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” Dorothy Parker

“I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.” Bette Midler

“I used to be Snow White but I drifted.” Mae West

“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.” Ava Gardner

“I’ve been on a calendar - but I’ve never been on time! Marilyn Monroe

“I just had my visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.” Scott Wood

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” H. L. Menken

“I drink to make other people interesting.” G. J. Nathan

“Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin

“Instant gratification takes too long.” Carrie Fisher

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams