Mel,
I knew you would be furious with me regarding OW in my home. I was at work. WH is off during the week and I have no control over what he does when I am gone.

I am definetly aware of 3 seperate occurances where OW was in my home. Could possibly be more. I even recorded the last incident (they just partied with no sex thank god) when I thought that WH's first NC was false. Now he always talks about his home being bugged.

I can't explain my tolerance for such abuse. I just kept up the Plan A and approached him with some of Ark's "pain" comments and walked away. I probably should have gone to Plan B quickly to have avoided much of WH's abuse.

Sorry, I also should have started posting sooner. It is just so difficult with my company monitoring all Internet use. They fired over 100 people 2 years ago for it. I will contact an attorney on Monday and put all the wheels in motion.

My parents want me to stay with them until I can get WH out of the house, but I think that's where he would expect me to go. I hate that they are going thru this with me at their age. I'm an only child and they don't need the stress.

Good deal. So your plan is to contact an attorney on Monday? Can you check into a) getting him removed from your home and b) having a RO slapped on that HO? What about your other exposures? [OWH and the workplace]

That really sucks that your workplace is interfering in your internet time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Today's update.
I attempted re-exposure to OWH over the weekend, but he never answered his cell phone. Will continue to call.

Made appointment for this Wed. with Steve Harley. I am currently re-writing parts of my Plan B letter so I am prepared to execute if Steve agrees with that being my next step.

Also had a converation with my attorney on the legal stuff. I can go to our WI home to live during Plan B w/o it legally being considered abandonment because of his actions. He also suggested filing a Disolution of Marriage vs. Legal Seperation because the Disolution can always be put on hold indefinetly. His feeling was "kick him in the butt" fast and hard to make him wake up - kind of the FU Plan.

WH and I had a couple discussions (all fog talk on his part) about NC, NC, NC over the weekend. Not much progress.

What did he think about getting your H to move? Wouldn't it be terribly inconvenient for you to move to WI?

And what did your H say about NC?

EXCELLENT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Attorney said that as part of the Disolution papers we could ask for an immediate order for me to take posession of the marital residence. Moving to WI would be a more difficult commute, adding approximately 1 hour (1/2 hr each way) to an already 1 1/2 hour door to door commute. I just really like the idea of being far away from my current life while going completely dark. In the long run I believe it may be easier on my emotions.

Husband still wavers on the NC discussions. He no longer works in the same area, but contact is still easy during the day.

He has a second interview tomorrow for a position very close to our home. That will eliminate the working together, but unless he accepts NC fully, they will just make other arrangements.

I hope the Disolution papers will keep her out, and him too. If you can get that, get it.

I recommend holding off on the plan B letter until you know what the judge will grant. then you can word it so as to cover what is going on.

You don't have to try to talk him into NC. You just tell him that you won't stay with him if contact continues, and that it's his job to prove NC when he is ready to live it. That means HE GIVES YOU THE CELL BILL, HIS PASSWORDS, AND EVERYTING YOU NEED WITHOUT YOU ASKING. If he isn't ready to do that, you don't really have anything. It's his job to make you feel safe, not your job to be a PI and find everything out for your self.

So, if and when you go to plan B, you tell him what you need, and explain that when he is ready to give you what you need, you would love to talk, but not until. You also communicate that you won't wait for ever. You have hope still, but you are not sure just how long you can hold on to it.

IN other words, you spell it out for him, tell him the truth, and let him make decisions.

You still have choices too. You can decide you don't want him back. Remember that, sometimes it helps.

Make sure he understands that he has freedom to do what he wants - you can't and don't intend to control him. However, you have the freedom to do what you want too, and that means you don't have to take him back unless he makes it safe for you to do that. Both these points are important.

This time (when you don't know what will happen) can be a time of sorrow, and fear, or a time of renewal, and gathering strength. What you are, and who you are, does not depend on what he does, or what he says. Being strong, and being the best you that you can possibly be, will only help your cause.

If you don't feel strong, pretend until you do. It works for me. (grin)

SS

An update on my situation:
Second discussion with attorney indicated that unless WH had someplace to go, the judge would not grant me sole possession of the marital residence.

I believe my "bugging" of the house has eliminated the probability of her darkening my doorstep again. If they are meeting I would suspect it to be at her house which is closer to work.

WH has been extremely depressed since the weekend. Very emotional, but also open to having me meet EN's more so than in the recent past. I've held him like a little boy going to sleep the past 2 nights. I believe he is suffering, but I don't think it has to do with withdrawl. But what else?

WH also had his second interview for a new job yesterday and felt that it went excellent. He should hear something by end of this week! I am slightly encouraged by his acceptance of a job change. He was digging in his heels about that not long ago. It would at least make daily physical contact impossible and hopefully help him move toward the ultimate goal of NO CONTACT.

I also had my session with Steve this morning. Prior to going to Plan B, he has suggested that I "appeal to his logic" and propose a road map for determining what it would take for us to be in love again. I am to simple state to my WH "Wouldn't you be the happiest if you were in love with your wife?". Ideal answer from WH would be "of course!". Problem is WH doesn't know if that is possible and definetly doesn't know what it would take to be in love with me again. So, before we begin that journey, we need a map.

Steve feels that we will be stuck here forever without a stated goal and plan to accomplish that goal. Steve wants me to talk to WH about sceduling an appointment for WH and Steve. WH would not be committing to anything and definetly not committing to working on our marriage (which he seems to be afraid to do right now), but that Steve would be a resource to gather information for a plan.

If WH refuses to have a discussion with Steve, I will schedule a session for myself and get my Plan B underway.

Steve also reiterated Still Seekings comments that I can't tell WH what to do. I can't control him. I will change my approach immediately and hope that WH reacts positively.

I am feeling better today and will go home and unpack (I've been living out of the suitcases since Friday!) for the short term at least.

This is great news, CG! Why do you think he is suffering? Could it be because the OW knows you are trying to reach her H? Did the OW dump your H out of fear of your contact? I would suggest that you keep trying to contact him until you get through.

Glad you counseled with SH and glad you are home! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am uncertain about his suffering. On Monday evening he was even crying at times. Maybe he is looking toward the future of NC if and when he gets this new job.

The OW dumped WH because he can't provide the lifestyle she is accustomed to. New cars, boat, shopping sprees on his salary. I make almost twice as much as WH and provide for our lifestyle. Without me, it would be very different. OW is extremely materialistic. I drive a 14 year old car and am much more interested in saving for the future. OW party's and lives in the moment. Immediate gratification.

So he is probably suffering because the OW dumped him?

She technically dumped him in early November. Why the depression and suffering now? And, since there has still been contact, wouldn't he have the continued high?

CG, didn't you just find out they had been together?

Mel,
Last Friday is when I found the rum and coke in his car. He is a beer drinker and she drinks rum and coke. When I confronted him about it he said that he was drinking it and that they had not been together. In fact, he said "if I'm going to be blamed for physical contact, then I wish it had really happened and that I had the chance to enjoy it".

They definetly have contact at work. Daily? I don't know. Away from work - I have no proof. There have only been a few cell phone calls over the past 2 months.

Sorry if I have confused the timeline and situation. When she dumped him on 11/3/06 (after they spent the night together), I believed there was no contact. My continued snooping has revealed only minimal contact. But, contact is contact and he cannot go through withdrawl until firm NC is achieved.

Maybe this A has turned back into an EA for him. WH insists that OW is working on her marriage. What do you think?

I think he was with her last week and I think you should call up her H and tell him! I also don't think its relevant at all that he hasn't been intimate with her, not that he wouldn't lie about that. He was with her from the circumstantial evidence and the OWH needs to know this. Will he stay in touch with you until yall have killed off this affair?

I finally came to the conclusion in the early morning hours on Monday that I just can’t continue to allow my WH to “cake eat” anymore. I have no concrete proof that the A continues, but the signs do point in that direction.

I have tried to contact OWH numerous times with no answer. I have always used *67, so I am wondering if he won’t answer blocked number calls.

So, 2 days ago I stayed home from work, re-wrote my Plan B letter, packed my car and moved to our home in Wisconsin. WH got home from work at about 4:30, read the letter and immediately contacted the named intermediary. WH called by cell phone 12 times in 2 hours and then gave up for the night.

He called numerous times again yesterday. I had my phone off, but saw all of the missed calls when I was getting ready to leave work.

I know I am supposed to be completely dark in Plan B, but I did decide to send him a text message answering several of his voice mails. I said “Please re-read the letter – not once did I say good-bye or mention divorce. If you have a plan to ensure total & permanent no contact you can call me at 7 p.m.”.

Well, 7 p.m. came and went. I had dinner and was snuggled up on the couch when I heard footsteps on the porch and then the doorbell rang. It was my WH. He had driven the 2 hours north to find me. It was -1 degrees last night, so I told him to come inside if there was something he wanted to say to me.

The first words out of his mouth was “I cannot leave my job and the financial security to work at a warehouse or home improvement center making $5 less per hour”. He also said “if we don’t make it, I could never survive on that salary”. He also accused me of giving him ultimatums! I quickly defined my boundries again, but he just won’t listen.

So he drove all that way for nothing. He had no plan, no intension of changing jobs and I’m sure no intension of ending the contact he is having with OW.

Since it was already close to 10 p.m. after rehashing everything over and over again I let him stay the night and he went to work at 3:30 this morning. As he walked to the car I said “I love you more than anything in this world WH and it is up to you to come up with a plan for total & permanent no contact with OW”.

I know I made a horrible mistake by breaking the darkness so quickly, but need some support and advice.

Also, can anyone suggest a MC (or IC) in the downtown Chicago area that practices MB principles? Steve Harley said they are putting together a reference center on the website, but it won't be ready until summer. He suggested the forums would be a great place to get a referral. Thanks!

cg, he came all that way to ensure that he could keep you on the plantation while he carries on his affair. That is what he wanted, your assurance that you will be there waiting for him. I realise it is hard to stay dark, but everytime you allow him to break your Plan B, you place him back in control of your life and give him license to carry on his affair another day.

So, next time he texts you, delete it without reading. Block him from calling you. Don't answer the door the next time he comes over. He needs to see you that you are serious!

And keep coming back here and posting to us so we can help you! As far as finding a MC in Chicago, can you not counsel with Steve Harley? He is worth every penny. OR, if you can't, check around for counselors who understand and coach in MB principles. That is how I got here, our MC was strictly Marriage Builders. He was a Christian counselor at a Baptist Church.

Last night was so hard. I miss my WH so much. I guess I’m in the first stage of my own withdrawl. I have always loved having someone to take care of. I really do enjoy being a wife. I have made a full dinner every night for almost 25 years for my husband and tried to make our house a real home, full of warmth and love. I don’t know how to function for me, myself and I. I have made enough food the past 2 nights to feed several families. One positive note though – without WH, I am definitely eating healthy and at my weekly weigh in at the gym yesterday, I lost another 2 lbs. That’s 62 total now!

After his constant attempts at contact on Monday and Tuesday, he did not call me at all yesterday.

His oldest daughter did tell me that WH left her a voice mail asking for some help in getting a new job at the local home improvement center. A friend of hers sister is the manager of the store. That is certainly a change after the “I cannot leave my job and the financial security” speech he laid on me Tuesday night.

I need to find something in the evenings to occupy my time and keep my mind off of WH. With my extended commute, I’m not getting home until 6:45/7:00 p.m. and I have to be in bed by 9:30/10:00 to get up by 4:30 a.m. My evenings are really shot. There is a neighbor that I may be able to schedule evening walks, tennis, biking when the weather gets better. I have always hated being cooped up in the winter.

I honestly thought I would be a whole lot stronger than I’m feeling right now. My parents raised me to be a very independent woman, but being separated from someone you have built your whole life with is extremely tough. My company has a Family Assistance area so I made an appointment for tomorrow to see if they can refer me to a counselor that uses MB principles. I would love to continue sessions with Steve Harley, but finances will be tight considering my move.

Remember, no calls, no emails, no talking, no SEEING eachother.

Evenings are the roughest, but it gets easier. I don't know your WHOLE sitch, but I can tell you that it was prolly a month before I felt comfortable with Plan B, and I still felt a bit alien the whole time. You have to go through withdrawal yourself, and that takes time; I dont' think as much as a WS getting over OP, but it takes time.

Don't build up ANY expectations right now. Don't expect him to come running back to you. You don't want him right now, you want him when he is not begging because he lost his job or he's feeling lonely, you want him begging to have his W back, not just a soft place to land...