Its been months since I've posted on here or even visited the site for that matter. Since the last time I was here my divorce has been finalized, I bought my house from my ex and am now the sole owner of the home and I've fully recovered from the financial impact of the divorce. All in all I think I've come a pretty long way. In fact, I wrote a book about the experience and it actually got picked up by a magazine which will be publishing chapters in installments hopefully beginning in May or June. Hang on a second while I pat myself on the back.

Lets see, my ex and I haven't spoken a word to each other in 4 or 5 months with a few exceptions all related to the business of the divorce and house and all of them simple text messages on the phone. For example, "What's the status on the house?" response, "Bank called application in underwriting, should know within a week."

About a month ago, she called me on the phone to tell me she was baking a few days earlier and thinks she left a pan at the house. She wanted to come over to "take a look around". This was the first time we'd actually said words out loud to each other in so long that I was almost unable to recognize her voice. The request took me so off gaurd that I said, "Yeah, sure, I'm working late on Wednesday, come by early and leave your key behind when you leave." (Our house was not yet settled)

But it didn't end there; she kept pressing. She asked if I was still ignoring my sister who threatened her during our divorce. I told her no one in my family has spoken to her since that day. She asked me how I was doing. She asked me about the house and when I told her I was thinking of selling it because I didn't want to live here anymore she said, "Are you kidding me? I would KILL to live in that house."

My first instinct was to say, "You did live in this house. You chose to walk out on me, your step-daughter the house and half the things you own for the telephone customer service rep you left me for." But I didn't! I went against that and said, "I bought this house because you wanted it. I don't want to take care of it by myself."

Her response floored me. She said, "You're saying you'll still take me back?"

This struck me on two levels. First, how she extrapolated me wanting her back out of that comment baffled me. Second, until she said it, I honestly didn't think I did. A truck went by outside; I was stopped dead in my tracks not knowing what to say. I finally asked, "What did you say?"

She repeated very slowly, "Are you saying... you'll still take me back?" It was just as startling the second time as the first.

I sighed, "I would have taken you back right up until the gavel went down. You were my wife and I would have done anything for you."

We talked about her family. I told her I missed them. She reminded me that I never wanted to visit them and I conceded the mistake. The conversation went on for 20 minutes and I ended it with, "Look you can come and take whatever you want on Wednesday; I won't be here."

A couple days went by and I was playing this conversation over and over in my head. My ex has a serious cluster of process addictions including binge shopping on a grand scale. Its something we used to argue about constantly. Yet here she is, asking me about a beat up, nasty, old pan that she could buy from a department store for six bucks. And how stupid am I to just let her traipse into the the house, root through the cupboards and take whatever of MY things that her little heart desires? What in God's name is going on!?

That Wednesday I arranged to get out of work early. In fact, I was on call the day before and spent the entire night at the hospital and would have been relieved anyway. I went home early to make sure that my kitchen wouldn't be bared later. I put the pan and a few other things in a box on the porch and sent her a text saying, "Home early, stuff on porch, leave key in flower pot." I then went upstairs and promptly fell asleep.

An unkown amount of time later I was woken to, "HELLO!? PETER?"

I rolled out of bed and walked to the top of the stairs. Looking down I could see her from the waist down only and knew she had about the same view of me.

She said, "I saw your car outside, I figured I'd just leave the key on the counter."

"Thanks." I replied, "Your stuff is in the box on the porch."

She came back with, "Is there anything else I might want in here?"

I couldn't believe my ears. The divorce is OVER, this is all MY stuff, its not about what you want anymore! Again instinct set in and I almost said, "Yeah, your husband, your step-daughter, your house and your stuff." But, I didn't! Instead, I said, "I don't think so, I've been through the place a thousand times."

I laid back in bed and thought. I picked up my phone and sent her this text, "I find it hard to believe you came here for a pan. If you want to communicate with me, then communicate."

She didn't respond and a month went by before we spoke again. This time it was at the town clerk's office where we signed papers for the transfer of the house.

I pulled into the parking lot and she waved as I went by looking for a spot. I parked got out and met her where she was standing.

"Hi!" I said cheerfully, "Wow, you look great."

"Thanks" She smiled, "Hey look!" She turned and with a sweep of her arm presented a car, "I got a new car! Its not as nice as yours but I'm proud of it."

"Good for you," I said, "You deserve a step up, and it looks good."

We bantered about the car as we walked into the building. There was no one else there except the clerks.

"Hang on a sec." I said, "There a bunch of stuff here we don't need notarized. Lets get them signed first and then we can deal with the clerk."

We went through all the documents and between each one either she or I would throw in a "So how've you been?" or a "Remember this?" During this time she managed to make it perfectly clear that she was not happy. She made it absolutely, without a doubt clear that she knew she might have made a big mistake. She didn't say the words. But we were playing ring around the rosie and that monster was the bush.

At the clerks desk there were brief interludes where we were left alone while copies were being made or stamps were being found. Neither of us let the silence last.

"Look." She said at one point, "I got a new coat."

"Its very cute!" I said, "It suits you perfectly."

"Yeah." She said, "Its another cheap coat. You used to get so mad at me for constantly buying cheap coats."

"I know." I frowned, "But I really like it. And hey, you smell great!"

"Thanks." She giggled.

She was wearing a novelty ring on her right hand. I reached over and held her hand with both of mine to inspect the trinket. She didn't flinch; she didn't pull away. When I looked from the ring to her eyes, she was already looking at mine.

The paperwork signed, the only thing left to do was give her the check which I left in the car. We walked out together and on the way I said, "Hey tell your grandfather I said hello, I miss talking to him the most."

"Oh?" She asked. "My mother will be thrilled to hear that."

"I meant besides your parents and sister." I said. "I miss your family something fierce."

I opened the door reached in and got the check. I turned around and she was standing so close to me that I had to lean back a little. "Here." I presented her with her buy-out check.

She opened it to verify the amount and looking at the check she said, "You're getting away with murder here."

I was so upset at the comment that I responded with, "Ok, I should probably get going."

Driving away I grabbed the phone and texted her. "Hey, you really did look great. We should celebrate. If you want to grab a bite to eat, I'm available."

She answered with, "I have a meeting right now and then back to school. I have so much work to do for report cards. Thanks though."

I sent, "No worries. Sometimes I still really miss you. Congrats, make sure you pay off a debt with that cash, heh heh. Peace."

She answered, "There are things I miss sometimes too."

Thats where the communication stopped.

I know she sees her therapist still on that day every week. I know this because until the first of the year I had agreed to carry her on my insurance and receive the statements every month.

We haven't spoken or communicated since that day which was about a week ago.

So, there it is. We're done and yet, until I saw her, I didn't realize that I really do still love her. And magically, the hurt from her affair is gone. I'm not saying its erased. But that raw emotion has been smoothed over. I could walk away right here and now and let her go. But there's a part of me that wants to ask. To ask her out for a date; dinner and chat.

So my question to you is. Should I let it go? Should I ask her? I don't believe this whole "I want to come over for a pan" thing was really about a pan. I do believe she's finally starting realize what she's done. My gut tells me she tried to test the water. To be honest, I know almost nothing about her right now. I don't even know if she's still seeing the OM and frankly, I don't really care. Its as if... we could start with a clean slate if we so chose to. Its as if we could start from scratch, and do it right. Yes, I'd insist we had a professional coach if things picked up... but right now... I just want to ask her to dinner.

Am I reading into this too much?

If you actually made it to the end of this post, then WOW. Is a little bit longer than I intended. I'd appreciate some feedback because unless someone says otherwise, I'm inclined to just walk away and fear that I might be missing out on something.

Peace.
Peter.

I can see why your writing was picked up by a magazine...LOL!

If it were me in your shoes, I'd wait quietly, patiently for her to make whatever move she might make next.

In the mean time, think really extensively about all that's transpired, and whether this is a can of worms that you wish to open. You deserve some very convincing and heartfelt apologies, remorse and validation for all you've been through...remember that!

Best wishes,
SD

Peter,



Seems that she has not changed a bit and your very honest, appropriate, and IMMEDIATE reaction should temper any remaining dealings with this woman.

I second what shattered has written. Think twice before responding with any hint of continued interaction. You can not reignite your ex's interest by participating in exchanges that convey even the slightest hint of you " getting away with murder"

BTW, don't fool yourself into believing that you have permanently dealt with her A. Only in a 3-4 year successful recovery should those words even be hinted at.

Best of luck.

Having read your entire post, the biggest thing that stood out for me was her response when you suggested grabbing a bite to eat. She said thanks but no thanks.

That was her opportunity to make a move toward you and she didn't take it.

I agree with the others, you are a great writer so congratulations on that front! And I agree that you should think very carefully before opening up this can of worms - and absolutely not by you making the moves and suggestions.

Good luck to you.

Peter,

I would like to add dittos to the previous posters. DON'T PURSUE HER!!! Continue to move on with your own life.

One could spend hours theorizing why she texts this message, stopped by for a $6 pan, or whatever. Don't get sucked in. Detach. Move on. Grow.

HL

PS: I kid myself all the time that I've completely dealt with my ex's A and it's behind me. It's not.

Hey, thanks for the responses; points well taken. You're all very right. I think I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Two things to point out though. First, I really am past the affair. I spent a lot of time... a LOT of time going over our marriage for months and the truth is, she stood alone in our marriage for a long time. She'd asked me to go to counseling and had given me every opportunity to turn things around before she chose to leave. While the fault is on both our shoulders, it was I who chose to let it go.

When she said, "Counseling or divorce." I said, "divorce."

Secondly, Cymanca you pointed out something very true. As much as I think I might have changed, I don't think she has at all. The milk has soured and putting it back in the fridge won't uncurdle it.

Lastly, after thinking about the events, I'm inclined to believe the banter was fueled not by interest, but rather by a comfort level of her thinking that it IS over and now safe to be a little more communicative.

With that said, thanks again! A third party perpective is almost always more clear than what you get from the inside.

Peter.

My brother had an affair in his marriage about 20 years ago. Just before his second child was born he found himself in an affair with the daughter of one of his clients. He divorced his wife and married the A partner. She turned out to be a head case, but that's not my point.

His first wife kept him at bay, but interested for the next 7 years, before he caved and re-married her. They do remain married today, but it has always appeared to be more a marriage of convenience (2 incomes) for the kids. I would not call it a happy storybook ending, for sure.

We are the products of a very kind God who allows us to forget many very painful experiences, not entirely, but we are freed from the pain. A choice that could bring back some of that pain should be studied with absolute care!

Best wishes,
SD

It's a delicate dance....be careful but try and move on...in my own case I had always left the door open but accepted reality as that it would never happen....had a few relationships....ended up with a rather serious girlfriend and WHAM.....we reconciled....and then he rest is history...

my advice is be careful....but try and move forward realizing that it just might never be.....