My spouse and I are trying to survive after my affair. I make no excuses and understand my wrong doings. In trying to rebuild our relationship, we have read a few of Dr. Harley's books and website (as well as others) and listened to some of the radio shows.

As recommended I have severed all ties and communication with the lover My spouse and I have moved to a new state and I have not seen or talked to that lover for nearly six months now. (Hopefully in doing this I'm taking the precaution of the affair happening again).

While my spouse and I still have a lot to work on, for the most part, I have seen a great improvement on both our parts. We're both trying to get past the affair but my spouse has said that he wants to have a sit down to ask me questions about all of the details of the affair. He said he wants to ask me questions and wants me to answer straight and knows some answers will hurt him to hear and some questions I would be reluctant to answer. But he wants to do this to "clear the air" (as he has put it).

My Question: Do you think this is a good idea?

My Opinion: This might hinder our progress, create in him more resentment, and become a tool by which he might try to use against me (or to hurt me), in the future.

Brief Background: Married 8 years. No engagement period. We eloped while still in college about 6-10 months after initially meeting. We're both 30. We have a daughter (6) together. I also have another child (14) that doesn't live with us (that was a result of a teen pregnancy). This is my 2nd marriage, where my 1st was to my 1st child's father and lasted less than a year. This is his first marriage. We have no family support in our lives either.

Sincerly,

Trying to work this out

I just bumped a thread called "Joseph's Letter" to the 1st page of this forum...read that and see if it helps you understand his need to know.

SD

It depends on the questions. Answers to very specific questions about what physical characteristics attracted you to the OP or descriptions about sexual performance can be very damaging. It would be best to dodge these questions because your husband can't really change his physical characteristics to please you. Comparing sexual performance can be even more damaging to one's ego in addition to creating images that he will never be able to erase.

Answering questions about details of meetings with the OP (time, place, etc.) are okay and go a long way toward restoring trust. Make sure you continually convey your regret for having engaged in this activity.

i also thought i needed to know everything about my H's affair

and bless his heart, he answered me

now i wish that i had only known the facts that didn't involve every sexual act and word and thought

i still close my eyes and see it in such detail because it was told to me in such detail

i can't seem to erase the pictures

maybe knowing this would help your H to better choose what he wants to know

tell him, yes, but tell it as you would want to hear it....not as it would be painted

if that makes sense

Any information about your affair that you withhold will not only greatly hinder his recovery, but will make it impossible for him to ever trust you again. You should have no secrets with your OP to which your husband is not privy. He needs to KNOW IT ALL in order to recover. He has to have ALL of his questions answered openly and HONESTLY in order to ever trust you again.

The level of detail to give your husband should be determined by HIM. Some need to know alot of detail, others just a general outline. But he should have access to whatever level he needs for recovery.

One of the first things I would do is STOP calling the OM your "LOVER". I certainly hope you're not using that term when talking with your husband.

Also, because there are quite a few BS on this site, I suggest you not use that term here either.

Jo

b3774608,
Part of recovery is being totally tranparent. Your H has questions that only you can answer. It is important to answer fully and honestly.

Will it hurt him? yes
Will it make you uncomfortable? yes

But you can't have secrets between your OM and yourself anymore. Your H has a right to know.

With that being said, as long as you two can handle the emotions that will come during this conversation, it will help him recover. Honesty will bring you closer. I know that doesn't make alot of sense to you, but it will.

Alot of BSs here, including myself, asked many many questions, but we had to be prepared for the answers. They are extremely difficult to hear.

So I suggest you two kinda set up a few rules. You could put a limit on the time frame for this conversation...it will be draining. Maybe have several conversations until your H has asked all the questions he needs to.

Also the two of you should agree to stop the questioning if your emotions cannot remain under control. Particularly him. He can't ask you to answer a "detailed" question if he starts to yell and scream at you when you answer.

It will be difficult. If it can be done calmly, it will help. Give him time afterwards to digest it. It may even take a couple of days, and it will probably take you back a few steps in recovery. That's normal. But if he is stuck with questions, your recovery is not moving forward as well as it could. Be prepared to give him space or a hug which ever is needed. Read his cues.

Good luck.

It would be conpletely dishonest, and destructive to any chance of recovery, of her to dodge or withhold any information.

This is all information to which he has a RIGHT to know. It may hurt him, but he is not an idiot and is a MUCH better judge of what he can and can't handle. HE should be the judge of what questions he wants answered or not. NO ONE ELSE IS QUALIFIED TO MAKE THAT DETERMINATION FOR HIM. If those answers hurt him, then he can handle that, as he is an adult. But no one, EXCEPT HIM, is qualified to decide what he can or can't handle to hear. He is not a child, after all.

What WILL hurt him much more than that, and even prevent them from EVER rebuilding trust, is if she won't be honest with him. It is time for RADICAL HONESTY, not more withholding.

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

I respectfully disagree with this. Some things are better left unsaid. If an ugly person asks you if you think they are ugly, should you be honest and say, "Yes."? I think there are diplomatic ways of getting around this so that you can avoid damaging someone's ego.

Answers to questions about sexual performance and physical characteristics of the OP aren't likely to help recovery, and it's fallacious to believe that the BS always knows what is best for him or her to know about the affair.

But don't take my word for it. Let's poll some folks on here who have heard things they wish they hadn't heard and find out what they think.

Or for that matter, other counselors. I know Dr. Gunzberg says this is an area that you must tread cautiously.

From How to Survive An Affair:

"I caution against asking (and often recommend not answering)comparative questions, particularly about physical attributes, sexual prowess, and personality. Questions in this category include “Did your lover have (a) bigger or better _____ than I do?” or “Was your lover better or more creative in bed than I am?” These kinds of questions don’t serve any real purpose in terms of the healing process and usually just amplify the pain and jealousy the injured partner feels. If you are the cheater and your partner asks you a comparative question of this nature, you should simply remind them that the question isn’t a very healthy one and that you don’t intend to answer it. Reassure them that you are willing to be completely honest, but that you also feel responsible for not sharing illicit details of the affair that serve no function."

hiker, that paragraph from SAA is for the BS to read. It is not advice to the WS to withhold information. The WS has an obligation to answer each and EVERY question. The level of detail is not something for the WS to decide FOR the BS.

Each and every BS has to decide FOR HIMSELF what he can and can't handle. A poll cannot answer that for an individual.

I agree that the BS can be harmed by the answer, however, any REFUSAL, or dodging, to answer those questions will cause even GREATER HARM. Refusal to answer anything will cause distrust to grow and will cause the BS to imagine the WORSE.

So, while I agree the BS should tread cautiously as it says in SAA, it should always be up to HIM, and not EVER the WS, what level of detail he should hear. The BS is the ONLY ONE here who is qualified to make such a determination.

Well Hiker, I stand corrected. I just reread your post from SAA and clearly it does say NOT to answer questions surrounding physical comparisons. And on second thought, I can see how that information could serve no purpose, especially to most guys, who seem to be very sensitive about size.

So, I stand corrected and thank you for taking the time to point that out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hiker, do you have the page # on that? I am going to do some rereading.

It's How to Survive An Affair and also appears in an article called Surviving An Affair by Dr. Frank Gunzberg, page 150-151.

Hiker, did you see my last 2 posts?

This is not in Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?

For the record, I am a FWS and I can tell you that if I received this answer from my husband, Mr. W, about ANYTHING, it would ROYALLY tick me off...It is VERY condescending and disrespectful...ESPECIALLY to a BS...

The thing is, the ULTIMATE in disrespect and offensiveness has already happened...THE AFFAIR...The details are what they are...And it is MOST definitely NOT up to the WS to decide for the BS what they ought to know...The BS sets the rules there COMPLETELY...Common sense really should tell anyone that...

Mrs. W

Hiker it's totally up to the individual Betrayed Spouse to say what her needs to know. Regardless of how learned a psychologist may be. Put 5 psychs in a room you get 20 opinions.

My wife answered all my questions. It breaks the secrecy of the affair. There is nothing about the affair that has remained just between her and her OM. I know it all. I needed that.

I believe Dr Harley (this is his site after all) recommends answering all questions.

In that respect Melody Lane is correct along with others who take that view.

I'm glad to see so many folks tolerant of different views here.

I notice even Melody changed her mind when she thought the quote came from Dr. Harley.

Saying that 5 psychiatrists will come up with 20 different views is dissembling. The fact is that there are different views on this matter and they are undoubtedly supported by clinical experience; meaning, of course, that not all cases should be treated the same.


Instead of saying what you believe, why don't you find out for certain. Call the question into the radio show.

Too many people on this site front their opinions and back them up by saying the Harley's say this or the Harley's believe that. Then I see where someone has talked to SH (as I have many times) and heard something completely different.