>What if I know but I dont want to?

If you question it, then you are not ready.

HEAL.

All decisions can wait while you figure out what you want from your life.

Seriously.

You've been given the tools...but we can't do it for you.

Let him do what he needs to...you do what YOU need to.

- Kimmy

Melly,

A couple books to read while you decide what you want:

"Torn Asunder" by David Carder
"After The Affair" by Janis A. Spring
"Hope For The Separated" by Gary Chapman.

A radio program to listen to and maybe call when you are ready:
"New Life Live" broadcast Mon thru Fri in Chicago area on WYLL 1160 AM at 1 pm CST

No magic, just healing stuff.

Mark

Melly,

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and your H tonight. I'll be praying for you.

Mark

How are you doing Mel?

Mark

Yes...

How was your weekend chica?

- Kimmy

HI guys-

My weekend was long. As are so many days lately. I hate all this mixed up emotional drama.

I have found a new anger at myself for not trusting what I already knew to be true. I knew and I chose to ignore. Thats how I grew up and I can't believe I repeated the crimes of my mother-aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I chose to trust someone I knew to be a liar. Apparently not so smart am I. My DD brought some concerns to me about the sitch and a sitch shes having with her friends. How can I advise her to trust her judgement and instincts when I failed so miserably? I told her that anyone that would make her question herself was not worth having around. That anyone who would want to make her feel that way did not care for her the way she deserved. I feel like such a hypocrite.

He's still denying a sexual/physical relationship with OW. I think it was Friday but m/b Thursday OW emailed me again to "come clean" or so she says. She says that they did have a sexual relationship. That he expressed regret but that it ABSOLUTELY happened. He is still steadfast in his denial.

I just want to be able to look at him without the hurt and pain. I want to feel safe with him but instead I'm terrified. I'm scared all the time. I'm sure the whole truth is not out yet and that when it does I'll be crushed.

How do you move past the triggers? He spent the night there on our son's bday and I know I keep saying that but I just can't believe it. How do I forgive that or the fact that he emailed her a pic of our newborn son hours after he was born? How do we celebrated these moments or other moments without the reminder of what has been done? Christmas or Thanksgiving or my bday, or our anniversary? It feels like we have celebrated these for the last time as a family.

I'm slowly albeit very slowly working towards myself but it just feels so hopeless.

Mel

Melly,

The loss of trust in ourselves is the hardest part to come to grips with. How could I be so stupid? Well, I was willing to love someone, which means I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and that is what hurts so much. I was willing to trust this person and I got burned.


But you know what? If I spend the rest of my life looking at the wound caused by this person I loved and trusted, I will no longer be able to love anyone! To love is to risk. We risk rejection when we first declare our love. We risk losing the person we love every time they walk out the door, to accident, natural disaster, etc. We risk losing them to boredom, complacency and being worn out at the end of a really hard day. To avoid all risk is to prevent ourselves from ever loving again.

Your daughter is likely questioning her own choice of friends, based on something she has observed. She must ultimately decide if she is to trust herself to make a proper judgement based on what she "feels" is right. But you have already been hurt because you trusted someone else. It wasn't a failure in your judgement that led to your pain; it was his failure to protect his/your marriage from having it's borders breached by an outsider. The lapse in judgement wasn't yours; it was his.

My current sitch is teaching me about healing when we are wounded. I had a small spot that began as a boil on my right side, 6" below my armpit. Within a few days, it became a 3" by 4" open ulcer that showed all sorts of signs of decay and death. Within another week, it had double in size and I was admitted to the hospital, where my surgeon removed the dead tissue and began treating me with antibiotics. For several days since leaving the hospital, a nurse visits to monitor my healing and change the dressing. It was the first few days of dressing changes that caused the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. They were even giving me morphine 10 minutes before trying to change the dressing. Until the right dressing was used, every time the old one was removed, it reopened the wound and undid the healing that had occurred. I lost more blood changing dressings than I did in surgery!

But now, the dressing itself is no longer hurting me, healing is not being undone and I no longer dread the prospect of changing dressings. I still feel anxiety about it, but it hasn't hurt me in almost a week. The dressing is now my protection, it is keeping me from further injury and allowing the healing to take place, where as before, it was causing further pain and suffering even though it was intended to help.

How is this related, you ask? ...


Your husband said he loved you. You feel that he lied, but he really did love you. He just didn't protect you from pain. He failed to protect the boundaries that should have been clearly marked. In fact, he caused you to feel great pain. When confronted, he did lie, but that was a WH, not the man that married you. Now he is attempting to make you believe in him again. The problem is that he hasn't got the right combination yet. Every time he says something to try to help you heal, it turns out to be a trigger instead and he ends up hurting you all over again. Your life right now is one giant trigger waiting to be tripped. Everywhere you look is something that reminds you that you have been hurt.

Work with your husband to find the right combination that will allow you to stop being hurt and allow healing to begin for real. He can't undo what has already been done, but he can become a source of comfort and protection for your woundedness, if you will allow it. It means risking being hurt again, but if you don't risk, you will never love again.

As for the triggers, they diminish with time. Each day hurts a little less, healing may leave deep scars and things will be tender for a while, but someday, you may even go a whole day without remembering the pain...

Take a look at the link in my sig line.

Mark

There isn't anything that doesn't remind me. I hate that so much-there's nowhere to hide. Nowhere thats safe. In my home I used to feel so secure and comfortable now I feel like my home has become my h***. The biggest problem is that the biggest trigger is my H. Sometimes when he is at work things seem better if only for a moment and then WHAM. There I am smack in the middle of his web of lies and betrayal. And then he'll come home. Then I'm looking into the eyes of the man that so easily and carelessly lied to me.

I have no idea where to even begin to find the right combination. Especially while still knee deep in denials and lies. I don't know what to believe anymore. His word is no longer trustworthy. He tells me he is sorry all the time. But it seems so empty as I've heard it all before. We're 3 weeks in and still no job interviews, no NC letter, and little progress in HN/HN. His sense of urgency as it did last time is dwindling fast. My H is chronically complacent. He always does well for a couple of weeks and then he tapers off as if you won't notice that he is no longer doing anything. When this happens and it will, what then?

He says he has this surprise planned for next month. But he did the same thing for Christmas only tp turn around and reassure the OW that they would be together soon enough. When he would say he was leaving he always said it was because he had hurt me too much with his A. This was before DDay #2 and all the while was continuing his A. He claims he was afraid I was going to leave him and then says that he kept up the A anyway thinking I'd always be there. What kind of logic is that? He says now is different because he was living in a hotel for a week. A week? Thats all it took to make him wise up? That sounds a little far fetched. This is all deja vu. I didn't make him leave after the first dday but he said all the same things and within a month they were as good as gold.

He keeps saying that it's like he was stuck in some fog that he is now out of but it seems like an excuse. Like a get of jail free card. Everyone keeps saying that he was a different man not my H and he says that as well but it seems like a rationalization. Just the way the I was afraid she was going to tell you does. He is the one who gave her the ammunition to ruin us. It all just seems like excuses.

Right now I just need a hug-from someone I trust. From someone I feel safe with. My H was my best friend, my soft place to land and now he's the one that makes me feel prickly and icky. Being in his arms was warm and safe. Or atleast I thought it was.

Your words and concern are so helpful both you and Kimmy (who reminds me of the me before all of this-for that reminder I thank you!). I can not imagine doing this without you!!

Mel

tell H you want to put this behind you

and

in order to do that

he will take a lie detector test ... which will put all your doubts to rest

see what he says ... if he agrees, then DO IT

if he refuses ... assume he's lying

you may have to define what "sexual" means...
if you know what I mean

Pep

Pep- He DID take a lie detector test...and fail:


Her problem is that he's still denying it even after that!!!

So now what?

He took it-failed! I know that lie detector tests can be wrong but come on...

He was really nervous but really confidant. How stupid do you have to be to willingly take a polygraph and lie? He swears it is wrong but what else would he say-yeah I'm a liar. Some people say polygraphs can be wrong if the examinee is really nervous but really?

What do you suggest? He was VERY happy about taking the test swearing it would back him up.

Mel

[color:"red"] *DOH* [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



Pep

Baby...You have your proof.

So does he.

He is snowblowing you because it's worked in the past...and he believes if he is adament enough you'll back down and believe him.

You have all the proof you need.

Tell him that.

He has a choice.

To own it or not.

But if he continues...he WILL NOT fix this problem.

Tell him that.

And walk away.

Do not engage.

Let him masticate it a bit.

Do not argue.

AND STAY AWAY FROM THE OW.

I saw that she emailed.

You have all the proof you need.

She is not honorable, so you CANNOT TRUST HER.

Nor should you.

She assisted in the deception of Melly.

Accomplis, if you will.

She is the plague.

When do you go to the doc?

in my life

when a liar refuses to convert to a truth teller

I get as far away as I can

I cannot waste my life trying to be a human lie detector

so, until he changes
this is what he is

a liar

Pep

That's what I was trying to say.

Would you please stay outta my mouth?

And you need to check your shoe for gum again.

(((((((((((((((((((((((MELLY))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You cannot engage him till he owns this.

He is hampering y'alls ability to recover ANYTHING!

So do I refuse to be open to his attempts until he admits it?

If he is lying won't everything we do build be a lie?

I feel like I am spending my time trying to sort out whether or not he's lying about this. My gut says hes a lying liar who lies. My heart wants so desperately for him to be telling the truth.

He is adamant.

Do you have any other ideas or ways for him to prove he's telling the truth?

If he is telling the truth-BIG IF-is there anything he can do?

My appt is tomorrow morning-here comes the calm thoughts! Two snaps for me!

I finally got to start my I am CERTAIN journal too.

Baby steps.

Any ideas???

Mel

So do I refuse to be open to his attempts until he admits it?

his attempts to what?

If he is lying won't everything we do build be a lie?

well, it means something that he is comfortable lying

don't ya think?

I feel like I am spending my time trying to sort out whether or not he's lying about this. My gut says hes a lying liar who lies. My heart wants so desperately for him to be telling the truth.

well
if you were the liar
and there were no consequences when you got caught lying
what would you do the next time you thought lying would get you out of a bit of trouble

He is adamant.

so what?

Do you have any other ideas or ways for him to prove he's telling the truth?

he's lying

If he is telling the truth-BIG IF-is there anything he can do?

*sigh*

My appt is tomorrow morning-here comes the calm thoughts! Two snaps for me!

snap snap

I finally got to start my I am CERTAIN journal too.

YES !!!!!!!

Pep

His attepmts to rebuild trust and show that he truly is remorseful.

I'm not sure what consequences I should instill here. I kicked him out after I found out they were seeing eachother. But he was only living in the hotel for a week. Was it too soon? He says he feels like he still lives there.

He is lying-I know. But if he will not own up what do I do with that? I can't force him to admit anything.

Can we rebuild if he doesn't ever own up to this? Obviously he can't undo it but if he's ok with continuing to lie don't I then know he will do it again?

Mel

be honest with yourself

can YOU rebuild trust with a man you KNOW is comfortable lying to you???

here's the thing that I see

you love him
almost to desperation

you love him enough to ignore your own good sense

love is not the problem

lack of respect is the problem

how can your husband EARN your respect???

he's counting on your love being so great you'll try to repair what a lack of respect destroyed

lemme tell you
love in a long term marriage goes up and down and in and out...

so love is not your problem

you've lost respect for yourself
he's shown no respect for you

now how are you prepared to deal with that?

Pep

can you say this:

I am certain I can be happily married to a husband who does not respect me

????????????

Pep