I am CERTAIN I cannot be happy with a man that does not respect me.

Love is NOT the problem.

I want to DEMAND respect and ACCEPT nothing less.

Can that be done with my H?

Can it be done with him living here?

He's doing therapy sessions weekly. But that is not enough. And I know it is in his actions that I will regain respect and trust.

How do I figure what actions I need?

In the pursuit to find me again I will regain respect for myself. I know this even though I feel very low on myself. He has caused me to second guess myself and that makes me want to scream and makes me sooooooo angry!

I will do whatever I have to do to get that back. I will do whatever I need to do to become whole again.

He is counting on my love for him to supercede what he's done. It will not this time. I am CERTAIN of that. I just can't see what to do with it yet. My love for him is NOT enough this time.

It is HIS responsibility to fix this. To own it and rebuild it.

How?

Does he need to be out of the house?

Mel

I am CERTAIN I cannot be happy with a man that does not respect me.

Love is NOT the problem.

dat's right !

I want to DEMAND respect and ACCEPT nothing less.

nope
you command respect by showing SELF respect

Can that be done with my H?

demands will not work

but

here's one idea (short of tossing him out on his can)

ask him:

[color:"red"]"What are you going to do about all the disrespect you've shown me and our marriage?"[/color]

tell him he has a week to make up a list of things he will be doing to demonstrate his respect

sit back and watch him

if he tells you this is stupid
or he blows it off

he's not interested in showing you respect

if he does a list, show us

Pep

probably not, but that's up to you
however, if he contacts OW
my advice would be yes

but do it the proper Plan B way

exposure
a letter
financial protection

not in an angry rush
but cool and calm and respectfully

the whole enchalada

Pep

I love this idea!!

Lists are good. And more than that concrete. Something solid sounds really good right now in the midst of all his chaos.

Command is a FAR better word. I couldn't put my finger on it before.

With his P/A behavior demands never work. It only digs a bigger hole.

Self respect is something I miss soooo much. I used to be my own person. I am who I let go of over this last year instead of him. Not that I should have given up on my M but I shouldn't have let go of me. I shouldn't have let myself become okay with being his mistress. I had to shut the real me out to be ok with what was happening.

I am CERTAIN I will not continue this destructive thought process.

I have been willing to become whatever it was he wanted to keep him loving me.

I am CERTAIN I will not contiune to show my smidgeys that they should be anything other than true to themsevles.

I just can't believe what I've done to keep his love. That is my shame.

Mel

if you want to show yourself some respect

BLOCK OW from emailing you

she's venomous

Pep

PS

lying is very disrespectful
and
cowardly

Pep

I blocked her the other day. She is a wretched individual who only wants to hurt me and my M.

She deserves all the bad things that are coming to her. GO KARMA!!! Now that shes the one pregnant and alone.

I want so badly to expose her but can't figure out how. I can only hope she gets what's coming to her.

My H will never see her the same way I do and I HATE that. He will always value their time together and remember the good times-EEEEWWW!!

Time is feeling very ssssllllloooowww moving right now.

Mel

>My H will never see her the same way I do and I HATE that.

Do not bank on it.

True recovery lifts the veil.

So did you ask for you list?

My H will never see her the same way I do and I HATE that. He will always value their time together and remember the good times-EEEEWWW!!

I remember feeling/thinking this way long ago/far away

what your H values will evolve over time ... same as you

Time is feeling very ssssllllloooowww moving right now.

nice for YOU!

means you'll age slowly

BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Pep

Okay so resentment is kicking in....

I went to the doc and got my ADs. Cannot believe I'm here. It is very humiliating to have to tell the doctor. When you have to tell the dr you share with your kids that your H had an A and their look goes from okay so happy to see you to I'm so sorry for you-awful. To see the pity in their eyes...

But she was vey supportive and now I have zoloft. The safe one for nursing. The baby is the happiest little thing I've ever seen and I hate that I have to take something to share that with him. He just glows and I hurt for not being able to join him without meds.

So resentment has grown significantly since I woke up this morning. Not to mention the over the top anger and hurt.

I asked for my list and he started. This is what he's got so far.

Vaccuum and mop like I say I'm going to

Send NC letter

Get rid of my car and replace with something new for you (car is trigger)

Help around the house

Be present at dr. appts

He asked if I needed more. Clearly thats a yes. I don't think he really has a handle on how much work he needs to do. I think he is thinking I'm just gonna fall into the illusion I've been in again and let him off the hook.

Last night he told me that he used to tell her she was probably on my payroll to see how much he'd say or what he'd say. He thought this was a good thing.

I need all the info there is but it's still excruciating. They went ahead with their realtionship with such ease. Without thinking about the people they were destroying and even when they talked about the fact that it was going to end our M they went full steam ahead. They built this thing without regard for us. They talked like they weren't hurting anyone-didn't even stop for a second. That makes me so so so mad. How could he do that? He wears a constant reminder of our M. He didn't even care.

Mel
Vaccuum and mop like I say I'm going to

Send NC letter

Get rid of my car and replace with something new for you (car is trigger)

Help around the house

Be present at dr. appts

hi melly, i have been keeping up with your story and i need to tell you my heart goes out to you. i really hope that you and your husband work this out.

How are you this morning?

Didn't hear from you yesterday.

I'm okay I guess. Things are still so jumbled. One minute I hate him and the next I'm thinking we can do this. But never is there a moment when I think everything will be great. The future I imagined is now something I mourn. I have to keep reminding myself that it was never mine to begin with.

I have so close the last couple of days to just walking away but I can never follow through. Part of me feels like that's a sign and part of me feels like I just don't have the courage yet.

I want to make it go away. I want to heal and I'm afraid I can't do that with my H in my life as my H. It has only been a short time and yet it feels like the last time things felt okay was a lifetime ago.

I was happy and I am so mad at him for taking that away. Maybe that was all part of my deluded reality. Now he wants to fix things and I don't want him to get the satisfaction of having what he so easily threw away. Part of me actually a very large part of me wants him to hurt the way he has hurt me and I know the best way to do that is to leave. But I don't want my decision to be based in anger or revenge.

I am so mad about needing ADs because of something he did. Why should I be on medication because he messed up. I didn't do this so why am I paying for it? If he were gone I really don't think I'd need them because it's only when hes here that things seem hopeless.

He tells me he will fight and keep on fighting. He tells me he's sorry all the time. He is reading and made a tiny little list that I posted. He is in therapy. But my heart still aches and my oldest daughters heart still breaks. We are going to talk to his therapist on Monday per my DDs request. How do I explain something I don't understand?

I feel like I'm letting us (the kids and myself) down by staying. I feel like I'm once again not trusting myself. Like I'm disrespecting the kids and myself by letting someone who's hurt us so deeply back into our lives.

They say time changes and heals everything, right?

Mel

for you ms. melly i hope time does heal all wounds and for my wife as well. she too recently found out that i was having an emotional affair and i although i have ended it. i worry that it might be too late for us. our story is very similar to yours. and i bet alot of them on this forum are very similar, i havent yet figured out how to post my own story but i wanted to take a minute to tell you and your "h" that i hope the best for you.

Melly:

I just want you to know that your story IS very much like many others here. I see a lot of similarities between your situation and mine. My WH is currently living in an apartment but does visit. We see eachother about 2 times a week. Is your WH still at home or not?

If you check out my thread, you will see that I have greatly struggled as well with my feeling of anger and resentment and have done major LBs which ultimately are counter productive. I know well the feeling of what is the point of all of this, I may as well just move on and give up.

So just a reminder that we (you and I) are doing this to preserve our marriages; not just for ourselves and what we once had but for our children. I see you have a young family and are feeling that you must protect your children from further hurt. That is exactly what I feel, although my girls are 20 and 21. So I can totally relate to how you feel. Then throw in the moments when you start thinking about all the lies, secrets and betrayals and you have a recipe for depression and an emotional rollercoaster that runs the gamut from love, hate, vengeance, indignation, resentment, hostility, fear and heartbreak as well as many others. I know how that all feels too.

I want to tell you a little story. Years ago when my daughter was 2 years old she became sick and was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer that involved her spinal cord and lower back. She quickly went downhill and the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. Her chances of survival were very small. Abject fear and panic became my close companions. I was having a terrible time dealing with this but then I realized I should stop thinking about the future without my daughter and all the pain those thoughts brought me. Instead I concentrated on just the next minute, the next hour and then the next day. If she was still alive then it was good and then I took another little step forward. I simply stopped thinking about the next week, the next month or the next year. I lived completely in the present moment. It helped me get through a horrible time and little by little a moment turned into an hour which turned into a day which turned into a month and so on.

I can very happily tell you that my daughter did survive and is now in second year nursing. Those lessons I learned have helped me a lot during this horrible time and maybe it will help you also.

Stay strong and don't make any long term decisions right now. Be patient. Be still. It will get better. Now give your kids a hug. You are doing just fine.

Hi everyone!

Its been a hectic couple of days. With the kids being sick and doctors appointments there is little time for my beloved laptop. And of course the superbowl.

So I'm pretty much still where I started. Emotionally anyway. Things are still ridiculously hard and painful. I still feel like my life is constantly slipping through my fingers but sometimes the bonecrushing thoughts last a little less time. As much as I want to just leap ahead I'm becoming a little more content with being patient, Its not much but baby steps.

My H still says he didn't "do" anything with her. And I don't believe him but I'm learning to just let it go so to speak. Albeit a tiny little bit at a time. I also noticed that he focuses on the night he spent there and I'm wondering if it wasn't that night. M/b it was one of the other nights and that is how he's rationalizing that he's telling the truth. I don't know-too much thinking?

Freya, I'm going to try to read your story today. To answer your Q-my H is back at home after a brief stay at a hotel upon initial discovery. You are very good at vocalizing my feelings. I have never experienced such an array of emotion all at once. My H asked what I was feeling the other day and all I could say was AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I couldn't express it because in my head the emotions were so many and with such strength. There are times when I just want to scream and crawl out of my skin.

All of you have been such a positve light in all of this. I love getting your posts and they are always something I look forward to. I know I am slow moving here but don't give up on me-I am CERTAIN I will get there.

Last night was the first time since dday that I thought if not for all of the lies and betrayal I would still want my M more than anything. Maybe that means that under all the hurt I still want my M?? That once my H does what he needs to do to help me heal we can be ok??

I also wanted to give you the updated list-Please let me know what you think?? Theres a lot about cleaning. I need help voicing what needs to be done emotionally. I feel it but things don't seem to be forming into words these days.

straiten up before bed.

empty or load dishwasher when i see stuff out

in general just be more helpful

sensitivity to your needs, i e help with kids, asking what i can do to help you,

give you my schedule

total transparency

new car

listen to you, i e pay attention, no tv, all eye contact, participate in conversation.

be respectful of your decisions and desires

start helping you cook

get kids in shower without you telling me to.

get jordyne to school on time without you telling me to

thats it for now.


Let me know!

Mel

maybe there is alot about cleaning in his little note to you because cleaning is a priority for you? or maybe cleaning has been a stress point for the two of you guys over the years. i know in my marriage my wife is always the one doing all the cleaning and cleaning and taking care of the kids and if i wanted a good way to show her that i appretiated her and respected her i might make a similar list to this, and take the things that cause her the most stress and resentment of me so to speak and take that load off her. i dunno if thats what he is trying to do but thats kinda what it sounds like to me. How is your daughter dealing these days? i know in the past you have said that she doesnt really want him home yet. is she making progress? or does it seem like a dead end?

So its been awhile since my last post. And so much more has surfaced since then.

I have recently discovered that after I had my son he did some serious pursuing of the OW. First the day I had the baby he sent her a picture of him...how could he share that vwith her?? While he was torturing me! Then he went to see her every Monday for a month. The first Monday he got mad because she was back with her ex. His reaction even worried the other person there....she was like ummmm...hats with the jealous boyfriend?? Then while he was supposedly "figuring things out" he was really looking for the house her and her boyfriend share. Then thats when he went to her work. He upset everyone so much he was told to NEVER come back by his boss. On that day he told her he wanted to be with her and that it felt like they had been together for a year already. She said NOOOOOOO....I want my BF. He was then so embarrassed that he didn't talk to her for a month or so.

This all on top of him telling everryone that I was basically the worst thing that ever happened to him. And he wants to claim he loves me??

Everything that I trusted was a lie and now I can't imagine a life with him. I can now see a great life without him. Does that mean I'm ready to move on??

He has until 1:00 today to cancel his apartment. He wants to stay. I feel nothing. Maybe a little apprehensive but I don't know why.

As his friend I can forgive him but as his wife I can't. I'm not sure if that is forever but who ever does?

I am no longer consumed by the details or the anger. I have my moments but overall I am different. I don't want someone who would do this to me. I now knopw I deserve so much more. What I don't know is whether or not more is without him.

I have a decision to make. And I don't know if what I'm feeling says I'm ready to move on without him or if it truly is still the hurt. So I guess I'm hoping someone like all of you can help me wade through this. Albeit quickly.

Its strange because it doesn't feel over but at the same time it does. Is that just because he is still here??

I know I will be okay with him gone. I know I'll be okay with him here. What I don't know is...will I be better with him gone?? I feel like I will be but I also remember our past and what it was. But now it all feels like a lie. And that kills me. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't remarry him...what does that mean??

Please help ASAP I have a decision to make!!

Mel

Melly,

Glad you are back. First thing I want to say is this. Your husband acted totally out of line, hurt you deeply and was a total jacka$$ in all of this. In other words he acted like any WS that ever was.

But he lied...Yep. A WS lies.

But he did things that showed no respect...Yep, A WS is very disrespectful.

He made you out to be the bad guy in all of this...Yes, that is what all WSs do in an effort to justify in their own mind what they are doing.

He broke your trust....That is what a WS does. An A is all about broken trust.

He made his decisions and now may wish to undo his previous decisions, but now the decision is yours. He made his, you have to make yours. He owns what he did, you have to own your own decision to accept him back and forgive him (not give him a free pass) or you can send him packing,. But the decision belongs to you.

Mark