You don't know me, but I wanted to help you feel welcome to post here at MB.

I am a betrayed spouse (BS). My husband had an affair in the fall of 2005 with a family friend. He said it was "sex for the sake of sex" - didn't much make me feel better, but such as it is, there you are. We are slowly putting our marriage of 31 years back together. Our recovery hasn't been perfect, mainly because I am hurt and he has trouble answering my questions. Things are slow to come together for us, but underneath all of the bull**it, we love each other, and we know that. Somedays, like today, I want to run for the door. Most days, however, I hang tough, and love him and myself through it all. Most days, he does the same thing.

This hasn't been easy. There has been so much blame to go around. You see, I understand my role in his affair. I wasn't there when he made the decision to have his affair, so the affair is, and will always be, 100% his fault. But there are things, many things, that put the wheels in motion for him to have an affair in the first place, weren't there? And yes, I was there, contributing to some of those very things, greasing those wheels. Even though I wasn't even aware of his feelings, I own the fact that I wasn't aware of his feelings. I should have been. WE should have been! WE should have been able to talk about his feelings, talk about what he needed, what I needed, and what WE needed in our relationship. Instead, we allowed our relationship to stagnate, we allowed ourselves to grow apart, and to ignore what we both knew was an ever-widening gap between our hearts. We let that happen, and neither of us lifted a finger to stop it. And both of us saw it happening.........so both of us are to blame for the natural fallout of what was to happen next - one of us was needy.

But, he could have, and should have, talked to me before he did what he did.

That betrayal has left a wake of pain a mile wide in my heart, and a wake of guilt and shame in him as well. Every day, we struggle to find each other. The good news is, that we WANT to find each other. That people CAN find each other again.

The good news is that you can be forgiven. Monster wants to forgive you. He wants to try.

There is a first step that you have not yet taken, and that must be taken before the problem can even be addressed. You have to stop all contact with the other man (OM). You see, the OM feeds in you a fantasy, something you believe in strongly. But fantasies are not real. Right now, I know you believe many things about your relationship with OM. But if you expect to rebuild with your husband, you need to go "no contact" (NC) with OM, and never talk or email, or see, or otherwise communicate with him again. This will not be easy, because the relationship is something like an addiction - it feeds in you something that you need. But I assure you, that at one time, Monster fed that need - and if you do the work, you will find that Monster can do it again. In reality, he never stopped - you and he just stopped doing what it took to stay in love.

In order to give your marriage a fighting chance, a real honest-to-God fighting chance, you need to cut off all contact with the OM. Write a letter to him, and have Monster read it - and Monster mails it. Then, change your email.

You will also need to be very open with your husband. He should know about all of your email accounts, and have open access to all of them - all of your passwords, access to all of your computer accounts, everything. This ride to recovery isn't easy. It can be hard, ugly, and painful.

It is a rollercoaster ride, and you didn't buy the ticket, and you don't get to say when you get on or off.

It does get better over time. For you, for your husband, and for your kids.

Monster did a good job in posting his feelings. You are pretty lucky to have a man who is willing to try. I hope you are willing to try, too.

There are plenty of wayward spouses here, both men and women, who post their stories, who will come to help you. I don't post very often, but read almost every day. You will probably find out that you make a connection to someone on the boards pretty quickly - that someone will just make sense to you.

Read the threads, read the information. Take the emotional needs questionnaire, and talk to your husband. You can make your marriage better. It won't be easy, and you do have a lot of work ahead. Monster will need your support. You will need his. For now, I ask that you look into your past, and find that one point where you know you loved him - and start there.

Schoolbus

Ana,

For some reason, the PM feature on my account won't work - I tried!!!

Anyway, I was glad you did the emotional needs questionnaire.

ML is here because he is wanting to try something. Remember, there are two sides to the story - and somewhere in the middle will be the truth.

If you want to save the marriage, it takes both of you working. Right now, you are in what they call the "fog". I'm not an expert on this area, but they talk about it as being a state where you are still hung up on the OM, and not seeing what you have in the marriage, but wanting the marriage, and not wanting to be blamed, and generally, just being pretty much lost and confused about what you do and don't want.

That's pretty normal.

At some point, if you can stop having all contact with the OM for awhile, and giving some work toward the marriage, you WILL see some light at the end of this tunnel (and it isn't a train). But you do have some work in this, too. It does take both of you - ML didn't do this all on his own, let's be real. You and he both contributed to the state of the marriage before the affair. He knows that, and you know that.

For right now, agree to NO CONTACT. And open up the laptop, and all accounts to ML, so he can TRUST that you have stopped talking - and contacting - OM.

Talk to ML, not OM, when you need that connection.

By the way, I just finished "Relationship Rescue" by (of all people) Dr. Phil McGraw. Yes, I know that he's seen by most as pretty crummy - but - I did the work at the start of the book, it is very self-focused. It helped me see what I have done to the relationship. That really changed my views - and now my FWH is reading it, and have I seen some changes in him.

Might be worth a look, if you have the desire. ML says you two are ordering books.

See, I don't bite. Ask me anything. I am gentle, honest, and visible. If you don't like a certain person on this board, you can add them to your "ignore" list.

ok here's my yes's & no's

1. NO! he does that for a living, I am not have never been and will never be apart of his worklife, no matter how much he wants be to be happy in his "world" He of all people was just complaining to me not to weeks ago about others giving that advice to people when he knows the EXACT legalities of the situation! pot kettle nough said

2. as ML said, I'm more often in the "obvious sinners" board, perhaps you should go read there, I will not be back here! at least not til feb at the earliest, I need a break, I'm dehydrated if you get the drift!

very tiredly yours -ar

I also read on the other board. You see, I have an open mind, and can learn anywhere.

You know, it's okay to have different opinions. Remember, though, ML isn't the enemy. He's someone you love.

When you want to save the marriage, lots of the advice here works. Some of it doesn't. Some of it works for lots of folks, some of it works for most, parts of it might work for you.

Maybe you just aren't at the point of wanting to save the marriage? Have you made that decision within yourself yet? Is that the issue?

SB

Ana,

If you are looking for people to help you save your M or to help you in general sort out feelings you are in a good place. If you are looking for people to say "Well, Ana, you are right, ole' Monster was so bad that you were justified in going outside of your M vows to meet your needs, physcial and emotional. I am surprised you didn't do it earlier." NOT!!! THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PERIOD.