I posted this on a couple of discussion forums, but I've been advised to post here too.

Ok, this may be long, but i'll try really hard to condense it.

First of all, my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. we have a 7 yr old daughter whom is EXTREMELY close to us both. We dated about 3 yrs before getting married. i was a stay at home mom for a while and then finally went back to school when my daughter at 3. I'm now a teacher. My husband use to be a computer programmer but was laid off several years ago since then, he's worked as an exterminator. He HATED his job and so he quit. He went to work for a retail store (kinda like a low-rent walmart)... he's the assistant store manager. he makes half what he did as an exterminator. but we're ok financially right now... for the first time in a looooooong time. we've always had financial problems, but now we're ok. well, my husband has been at this new job for about 3 and a half months. (before I go on, please know that my husband is a youth minister, preacher, and was extrememly active in church until all this. now he won't even think of going to church. i'm not sure he even prays anymore. who knows!). Well... his manager doesn't believe in God. He's not atheist, but i can't remember the word for it...agnostic? anyway;... he is the only person at his job who is married and hardly any of them have custody of their kids. there's only about 8 people who work there, so they're all pretty close. most of the women who work there are about 4 or 5 yrs younger than him. (he's 28, i'm 29). anyway... the day before Thanksgiving I asked him what was wrong because he had been very cold towards me. (we rarely argued. he would blow up about twice a year about how we hardly ever have sex and stuff...). well, when i asked, he told me that he's tired of trying. i asked what he was talking about. he said that he feels like I treat him like a kid and talk down to him. He said that this time it wasn't even about sex. i apologized for acting that way (like i usually do). he said it wasn't good enough this time that every other time, it always goes back to how it was before and i treat him like a kid again and he's tried of trying. We continued to talk about how we were best friends, but when it comes to me acting like a wife, i don't. he said that we have perfect communication, but we act more like roomates. after a long time talking about this, he suggested one of us leave for a while. he said he's always heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder... so, maybe we should. but that's not at all what i want. he said that he'd leave because it wasn't fair to our child to uproot her and move off out of our house. but he has NO WHERE to go.i packed my bags and was about to leave and he stopped me because he didn't want me to take our child out of this house when it's her home and it shouldn't be done to her). (oh, and he's so snappy with her too! he's NEVER been like that. he's always sat down and helped w/ her homework etc.now, he's working from 8:00am-10:30pm EVERY day and he doesnt get paid for more than 40 hrs/wk. so, pretty much, he's work about 90 hours w/ wk and getting paid for 40. go figure!). we sat down and talk to our best friends (or who use to be our BF until my husband completelly turned against them for some reason). they asked if he wanted to stay with me or what he wanted. he said he didn't know. the lady who is our friend asked if he was ready to wake up every morning not knowing if i'm ok or where i am. he said that he doesn't know. she told him that he couldn't leave me hanging and he said that if he had to give an answer right now it'd be yes.... he's ready to accept that. but he said he doesn't know yet. he just keeps on, even now, telling me that he's tired of trying. he's so miserable. i honestly think he's depressed. i dont know why, but he i think he is. we can talk and joke about something on tv, but he has been on the couch since the day before Thanksgiving. he will not even hug me! much less anything else! I hate the people he works with...which he doesnt know that. they obviously know its been 60-soemthing days since we've had sex (yes...he told them) and so they go out and buy him a porno mag!!! HE'S A PREACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway... he really enjoys his job and likes it a lot. but he's been miserable for a while he said. he said that i've acted like that for 4 or 5 years. (i dont see a it). but he said that in the past few months he's just been miserable..more than 2 mos is all i know. but he's not sure he even wants to work thru it.
I don't think there's someone else. i really don't. but i dont know what in the world it could be!?!?! I've bent over backwards trying to show him my love and it makes him mad and he says i should have done all that a lont time ago. so, i just act like a wife. cook more, clean more, etc. it doesnt seem to be working though.
I need severe help! my christmas is completely ruined. my daughter is starting to sense something...i think. we do NOT argue around her at all. but its like i walk on egg shells. what can i do? please help. i'm sorry this is so long. there's more i could tell...but i'm trying not to make it any longer. i need all kinds of advice!

*since i posted this on another site, my husband did leave. he went to stay with our friends who we previously sat down with for a chat. its a good place for him to stay... its a good christian home. the man is a preacher too. well, this all happend New Years Eve. So... here I am...one week later. the LONGEST week of my life! The main way for us to communicate is by text message. he never texts first, but I only text him maybe once a day. he came by here yesterday to get some money (our money is still combined right now til he decides what he's going to do). anyway... he was happy to see our daughter (whom grabbed his leg and wouldn't let him leave). he misses her really bad. but not me. anyway.. i'll stop there. i need help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

well - not to be unkind, but if you really want advice, please put some paragraph breaks into your post. It's just unreadable right now.

Sorry.

Welcome. I would do some snooping. It sounds like there might be an affair somewhere in the mix.

What exactly does your husband like about his job? He works 90 hours and gets paid for 40. I don't get it.

he's wanting to "prove" himself to the corporate office workers becuase they will soon have to have a new store manager and he wants that position.

I am betting he is seeing someone at work.

FM:

Affair: Yes.

Who: Young 20 YO who is also a cashier or stock person at the store.

How: An extra 30 hours a week at work. Or with OW.

Prrof: His actions towards your Daughter. You say that he was always good with her. Now he is distant, It reminds him of what he is doing wrong.

He's out of the House now. Invite him back. Order His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website, today. You should also get "Surviving an Affair" and be ready for what's coming.

And start reading those two books. There are excellent primers and resources right here on the website to start with.

You need to learn about Emotional Needs (EN's) and what yours are, and his.

And then reread the above with this greater knowledge. And you will see what you need to start doing to fix your M.

And you can choose to continue it with your H or not. That choice is to be made later. When you have given it all that it takes to make it work. I am not taking your H off the hook for this. You are here, looking for help. What you can learn here is how to address the issues that exist in your M and how to make your M stronger.

So, do the above, and try this:
You may need to take an unscheduled day off at work, borrow a car and watch the store for a day to see the interactions of your H with the staff to determine what is really up. Prepare for the worst.

Start with asking him to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire on this website. If he won't do that, you fill it out as though you were him.

You will probably figure out what needs he has that you are not fulfilling.

Then, start "Plan A", and try to fill those unfilled ENs.

I suspect, since he complains that you don't have enough sex, that there is the sense that you have rejected him. He is a man, and many men feel loved through sex. When that's lacking, they feel disconnected, unloved, and unfulfilled.

It also sounds like there are other issues, but you will figure that out with the questionnaire.

I would start there, and then, read up on "Plan A".

He sounds like he has given up - but you haven't said he doesn't love you. Since he feels like he is your best friend, there is something there for him.

Read LilSis' thread (Cunning OW has claws in deep) for a really good Plan A being carried out right now. LilSis is a model Plan A worker, and you can get some great ideas there.

All is not lost.

And get him to move back home if you can.

SB