Plan A is about improving oneself and to show love and affection to the WS. I know that. Sometimes I think I want to carry on, take up new hobbies, or restart old ones, socialize more with old friends, make new ones. But one thing I still haven;t figured out: Do we still bother with how the relationship between the WS and the OP is going on or not?? If I continue to check her mobile phone text messages, or tap into her emails and such, how does that 'improve' myself?

The WS has said she wants to work on the M. She will leave her job, I've given her till early-mid Feb to hand in the resignation cause there's a company trip abroad during that period and if neither she or the OW has resigned, they would both be required to go for the trip, and I will not allow that to happen (she agrees on this). She and I will arrange to meet a MC this week or the next (she has requested this).

How many people do plan A not even sure if you love or can forgive our spouse for cheating on you? I guess the resentment and anger is really surfacing lately and the last thing I feel like doing is to be loving and affectionate towards her. Sometimes I don't even know if I love her anymore, wheter its all the resentment blocking any feelings I may have for her, or if I have really lost the love for her. Is this normal, and can I do a Plan A in this state?? Pls help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, the point of Plan A is to negotiate an end to the affair, not to embark on an ill timed self improvement program. It's goal is not to reward and ENABLE a WS in her affair, but only to show her how good things can be with you before one moves into Plan B.

If the affair does not end, however, then one should move into Plan B so they don't fall out of love due to the constant lovebusting of the affair.

Will she leave the job now and send the OP a no contact letter?

Hi MelodyLane,

She is waiting for a second interview for another job, and last week another company has called her up for an interview. She will not leave the job now without another job, as she says all she has now is her career, and if she throws that away and the marriage fails also, she will be left with nothing. I respect her choice, but I've also given her the deadline before she has to go on the company trip together with the OW (mid-Feb). I will not force her to resign (nor do I think I could anyway, short of talking to her management), and I think that since the A is over, and she and the OW are not really talking (apart from office talk so she says) and not hanging out outside of work, I'm willing to cut her some slack and I feel that pushing her more would be counter-productive at this point (not sure if you guys agree with this, give me your thoughts please). I have told her last night that the longer it delays (the no contact) the harder it will be for us to move on and she kinda understands that.

D, as long as she continues to see the OP at work, the affair is really still ongoing. It will take complete and total no contact in order for recovery to ever begin. Just liken to a "recovering alcoholic." You still give them drinks every day but just change the name to "business drinks." The result is the same and the alcholic never withdraws.

It sounds like she has placed her career over your marriage and if you can live with that, then that is certainly your decision. For me, that would be a boundary that I would not relax simply because I know that there will never be any recovery until contact ends.

Hi ML,

Absolutely, we BOTH understand that there needs to be NC, total NC. She has already admitted that I'm right, that as long as she is still seeing the OW, it won't work. She says she still feels happy going back to work, she misses the OW etc, BUT she has made a decision to work on the marriage. That's why she is taking very positive steps to change jobs and to have NC. I am pushing for that, but more importantly, she understands why also. So its not like she's trying to stall or to cake eat, don't think that is the reason.

Like everyone says, and I'm beginning to understand it more and more each day, there can be no real recovery until after the NC phase and once she is past the withdrawal stage. Maybe after that maybe we can both start to see and rediscover the love again. Maybe after withdrawal I can start to see some true remorse from her. And maybe seeing that I will find it easier to forgive and let go my anger and resentment. Maybe. I have to hold on until then.