I posted this in resolving conflict, but someon told me to post in General Questions. I could use some advice. What is EA & PA?

At Thanksgiving my wife left her email account open and I saw that she was communicating with an x-boyfriend. My wife and I have had some problems in our relationship for the past 3-4 months. This all came to a head when I read the email. I never told her I read it, but instead asked that she would accompany me to marriage counseling to work on my problems. We have gone to counseling twice and it was like pulling teeth from her to go. At the same time I've been reading His Needs Her Needs and asked her to read it as I saw how we were not spending enough time working on our Love Banks for each other. I've felt better and this has opened me up to talking with her more about us and how we each see things. The Holidays were great.

She took off for a 10 day convention and I sensed that she had somethings on her mind. So I logged onto her email acct as she had told me it once before and saw that she and her X, who lives overseas have been corressponding. She doesn't go into heavy detail, but states " I compromised myself so much I had forgotten what it was like to do the things I wanted versus always doing what was supposed to be done or worse yet what HE(ME) always wanted".

The x continues to play along, reminding her of their past and how he wishes he could see her. She then says I really need to talk with you and wish you were here. He states that he could fly her over. But she declines.

She states that she is a touch excited and a bit scared and feels a bit guilty, but that she has never lost a battle with that emotion.

He states that he will be in Chicago in Feb. She says that she could arrange it, but it would take some planning. At this point she doesn't want to share a room, but does need to talk to him about something.


I am in a very dark place right now. I have ruined any trust that we have by looking at her email. I can't tell her that I was doing this as it will ruin us. But I am trying to fix US and I don't see her trying to fix us. She has told close friends that she is in love with me, yet this is happened. Tonight I called her as she is on the road. She sounded distant & tired. It was a good convo, but not touching on the things mentioned here. Near the end of the Convo she mentioned that she may have to go to Chicago in Feb for work

I just need direction on how I should deal with this. Do I continue on wroking with what the book states. If I am to approach her when should I do it. she isn't back until 1/21 which doesn't give us much time to connect and by that point it maybe to late to stop this trip

EA=Emotional Affair
PA=Physical Affair

Sounds like she is in an EA with this guy and plans to take it to an EA in February.

She isn't worthy of your trust now and you should not apologise for snooping.

I would suggest confrontation with the evidence you have. Confrontation and then exposure. Expose to people who can influence her actions. Read the links in my signature below.

Welcome to MB.

Her brother is very good friends with the guy. Her brother is going to see him this week to hang-out. Do I risk approaching her brother with this info and then have her brother talking to the guy and tell him to stay out of her life? My thought would be that the other guy will immediatley tell her and then we'll get into it over the phone while she is away.

Well that is true and probably will happen. But I would not limit exposure to her brother. Exposure will make her mad - but your marriage can survive her anger while it will not survive an affair.

Expose to friends family and anyone else who can influence her behaviour.

Perhaps a trip to Chicago should be in your plans as well. Make it a trip as a couple. Not sure if I can handle staying home while WW is starting a PA while I had that knowledge. A surprise visit at the very least.

Talking to the BIL - depends on your relationship whether to seek his assistance or not.

DO NOT let her go to Chicago by herself. You have not ruined trust between you, she has. She doesn't want privacy, she wants secrecy so she can hook up with her XBF. You have done nothing wrong. Openness and honesty are important parts in marriage, and you wouldn't have to snoop if she were honest. You need to get a keylogger on the computer because she might change the password now that she is engaging in an EA. This is textbook how my WW's PA started. She may get a separate hotel room, but that doesn't matter when they get drunk and spend the night in one or the other's room. DO NOT TRUST YOUR WIFE! I TRUSTED MINE - BIG MISTAKE! If you do not want your WW's XBF to sleep with her, do not let her go by herself.

Start plan A, confront her with what you know, tell her that she needs to have NC with the OM, and if she refuses, expose to anybody and everybody that could put pressure on her to stop the affair.

You can stand up for yourself and your marriage and not allow her to go. I wish I hadn't allowed my WW to go to NYC to meet up w/ OM. I was stupid and afraid at pissing her off. Well, I should have been more afraid of her hooking up with the OM.

You have this completely backwards and unless and until you get the truth out on the table, you cannot resolve the problem. It is untrustworthy to HAVE an affair, it is NOT untrustworthy to CATCH someone having an affair. You should tell her that you know all about these emails and about her affair before it goes onto the NEXT STEP.

It is not a WARRANTED lack of trust that is going to ruin your marriage, but an AFFAIR. Your wife does not have the right to the privacy to have an affair. You were fully correct in snooping on her and apparently, had good reason since your suspicions were confirmed. It is wrong to HAVE AN AFFAIR, it is not wrong to CATCH someone having an affair. Do you understand the difference?

Go tell your wife you know about her affair, my friend, and stop playing these silly cat and mouse games. They will do nothing except allow her affair to escalate to the next step.

Before you tell her you know, I would suggest placing a keylogger on her computer that will EMAIL you her daily activity. That will keep you protected frm future harm. Go to http://www.spectorsoft.com/ and download eblaster. It will email you daily reports from her computer.

The title to this thread should be changed to:

"I read an email I should have read.."

A husband has EVERY right to know that his wife is carrying on with another man, so you bet you SHOULD have read it. IT was most certainly your business.

I was thinking:

I read an email my WW shouldn't have sent.

Thank you all of you for your input. I did not sleep a wink tonight thinking about this and reading.
Additional questions:
My wife is home for 24 hrs on Tues. Should I try and reconnect us and do something special for us or do I drop the news on her. My feeling is that it is better t to wait until she gets back on the 21st so we have more time to talk and sitdown.

Also, with her brother seeing this guy this week I was thinking of writing him a note saying "I've only met you a few times, you seem to be a noble person. I am asking that for the benefit of our marriage you cease speaking with my wife. Have a safe trip to Chicago"

Dr. Harley:

"For an unfaithful spouse to engage in an affair without detection, two separate lives must be created, one for the lover and one for the spouse. A certain amount of dishonesty is required in both of them, but the major deception is with the spouse.

So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?"

con'd at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Don't put it off anymore. Put the keylogger on her computer before you tell her, though, so your source is protected. After you tell her, she may password protect her computer so you can't check her emails again. Or she may set up another secret email account. And if she does NONE of this, you will know that she is not being secretive, which will be relief.

When you speak to her, there are some very important things you should express:

1. that you know about her affair and her plans to meet the OM

2. ask her to end all contact with him by sending him a letter that is authored by you both and sent by you

3. express to her that you want to fix what has gone wrong in your marriage

It is real important to get her to agree to never ever speak to this guy again. I do think its a good idea to talk to him directly and tell him you know all about this. Her brother should be told about it too.

You really think a guy who is trying to get a married woman in bed is a "noble person?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

no not at all, but I am trying to be dignified and not fly off the handle.

ec, I'm a FWW. My A started as an EA with a lot of e-mails back and forth (it wasn't an old BF, but there are many other parallels to your sitch). It turned PA when we arranged to meet for a few days.

I wish so much that my H had discovered/confronted me in the early stages, before I made the selfish choice of meeting up with the guy. It would have nipped with A in the bud earlier; the betrayal, while still awful, would not have gone on as long; and I think recovery might have been quicker with less withdrawal on my part because I wouldn't have had as much emotion (puke) invested in the A.

BTW, I don't "blame" my H for not discovering sooner. The whole ugly A was due to my own poor choice and it never should have happened. Thankfully we both committed to working on things and we're recovered now. We're not the conflict avoiders we used to be.

Sure, she'll be ticked off when you end her little fantasy. But in the long run, you are both far better off with the early intervention then you would be if you let things continue.

You need to seize the opportunity to uncover this thing and stop it before it goes further. ML's right -- nothing wrong with snooping seeing as how she was betraying you and your suspicions are confirmed; but there's a LOT wrong with what your W is conspiring to do.

Well,I wouldn't punch him or shoot him, but you sure don't have to pretend like he's dignified when, in reality, he is a sleazebag. I would simply have a come-to-Jesus with Romeo and let him know that you know all about his pursuit of your wife and that it is to stop now. Ask him what his intentions are with your wife.

After you tell your wife about this, I would call up her brother right afterwards, hopefully when they are together, and let him know all about this.

Did you keep copies of the emails? If not, I would suggest doing that while you still have the chance.

I want to Thank you all for your help. I do have the emails. It is a very difficult undertaking to confront her, as many can acknowledge, but not doing anything will lead to very bad consequences for us. While I am hesitant to do it during the 24hrs she is home I know I must and will. I think I will speak to the brother before I speak with her, as he has a direct insight on his sister and her past with the OM

In 2 hours my wife lands at the airport. I could use some encouragement as this is the biggest undertaking of my life. My plan is as follows.
I spoke to her bother about it last night. He is 100% behind me and is ready to get involved. I sent her the Emotional needs questionaire and asked her to have it done for me tonight as I want to continue working on things while she is gone from 1/11-22 (not the affair trip that is in the works)

1. on the way home I will talk about some of my issues that I have been working on: procrastination, passive Aggressiveness, and our marriage. Stating that all relationships are tough, they constantly needed to me worked on
2. get home and let her unpack. I've cleaned the home top to bottom and done some projects that I put off
3. I'll then go back to the book and and ask questions about us and where she sees us and what she needs to work on
4. I'll ask her where she sees us in 5 years.
5. Then the big QUESTION. What are you really going to Chicago for. I need to you to be honest & open with me. If she says, Work. I'll mention that there is no plans for tradeshows. I will continue until she tells me. If not, I will confront her with th einfo I have.

At that point I don't know where it will go.
1: she may leave and go to a friends home
2: If she tells me I am going to tell her that she needs to cutoff all ties with this guy.

the problem is that tomorrow at 9pm she flies out again, so I am not sure what to do in the next stage

Stay strong friend. You know you must do these things to save your marriage. Inaction on your part will allow this fantasy to progress to a point where it may be irreversible.

Put on a brave face in front of your wife...try not to get emotional...no begging/pleading...she will try and push your buttons...she is going to test you to your limits. In the end it will be best if you can remain strong...calm...resolute...be a strong male. I know it will be very very hard but if you can manage to do it...it will put you in a better light.

Know if she is in an affair...she will lie to you...she will trick you...she will try and make you feel guilty...she is going to try and turn this around and make it your problem...she will say things like she just wants to remain friends with this person...do not let it happen...think about it...would a spouse jeopardize their marriage for just a friend?

You may think...this is my wife she would never do things like that but when they are on this path believe me they are another person...a person that you have no idea about. It is the exact same story in almost all of these situations.

She may leave tonight...she may threaten...it will be hard to deal with but it is better than the alternative...if you give her an inch she will take a mile.
Do not give in...do not bargain. The stronger you can be the more chance you have of righting the ship. She is likely in the fog...and may be very hard to get her out....but giving in to her at all will allow her to slip deeper.

Good Luck!!!

Good luck. You are doing the right thing. Put yourself in God's hands, and He will see you through this.