Not too sure why I'm doing this here but think I finally just needed a place to vent. Sorry it's sooo long. Still missing many details.

I have been reading here for several months and started posting a few responses. My sitch is this.

I am still happily married to a FWW. She had an A during our 19th year of M with an OM who was nothing much short of being a true sexual predator. He was a superior of hers at work and he pretty much planned his predation upon her for a period of approximately 2 years before finally putting into action. He had studied her likes, dislikes, etc. and generally found out as much info he could about her. He also was someone I knew but never had much contact with nor really had much interest in knowing.

Anyhow he finally made his assault and started doing things he had found out that made my W tick. He became her friend someone she could talk to about about things. Started complimenting her about what a great job she did at work, what a great mother she was, how lucky I was to have wife like her. The usual routine of making the WW at ease and willing to open up to him. At some point he said to her early in this process "if your H is not careful some will steal you away from him."

Well as you all know the old story and inevitable happened the EA finally became a PA and went on for a full year. I've been told that I was given a sanitized version of the A by my FWW. I know that she was just as culpable as the OM when she finally made up her mind to go along with him. Anyway I was aware that something was going on from almost the very start. It became painfully obvious the she was in an A affair because from the time it became a PA we no longer had any kind of intimacy for the rest of the time until it ended. Far too many details to explain more at this time.

My WW had a very good friend that helped her as an unofficial IC. She helped her to decide to end the A and come to me and spill everything. Finally after a year she did just that. She had an opportunity and she told me the whole story. I called the OM and told him we needed to talk. He decided to come to our home and brought his W as protection I guess. I told him that my WW had spilled the story and that she could do as she wished but if she was to stay with the me I would no longer share her with him. The A would be over. Really a very surreal experience.

The A was over we spent the 3 months or so in a very dark state of withdrawal while she morned the loss of the A. I was just in a state of grief over the whole thing. We talked but never really much about the A although she did her best to explain things as best she could. Finally at some point she decided “I’m over it! Yea! Lets move on with our life”

Great! But wait a minute I still have questions and need to get things off my chest. Well we did talk some more. Read Pittman’s book which depressed me even more. Especially his take on the Romantic affair. And me being called a Cuckold. OUCH!!!!!!

Finally my FWW by this time had talked enough and said that she felt I should be over it and she was being punished by me for bringing up the A and asking questions over and over.

Well I had a decision to make. If I wanted to have this M then I needed to stop bringing up the A and work on the M. Work on the now and the Future. That was what I decided to do. We did just that we did all the things we loved to do. We would meet in the park for lunch talk about things that we wanted to do for us and for our son. We decided to go camping in the summers and take our son to as many national parks as we could while he was with us. At last count that was about 38 as I remember. We created many new and fond memories for all of us.

Our son has now gone on to college and is doing very well. We have continued to have a very good life together and still continue to work on us and our M. We still have issues that come up occasionally but we deal with them as any M couple should.

So what is the problem? Guess what! I have never gotten past the point where I was nearly 20 years ago. I never went to any type of IC and we never went to MC. I never had a friend that I would feel like talking to about any of this. So it has been bottled up all this time. I have kept it to myself and even from my W My wife, until just recently when I started reading here, never knew just how much hurt I still carried around. She said “you never said anything”. My thought was “Yes! that’s what I thought I needed to do for us”

We bought HNHN and read it and finally she is beginning to realize the depth of hurt that her A had caused me.

I guess why I am posting is because I just have needed a place to vent. I never told a single person other than my W about any of this. I don’t think anyone outside of us and the OM and his W even know it happened. My parents and her parents never knew. Our son never knew and never will. Our friends know nothing of the A and never will. Instead we are considered one of those couples people look at as an inspiration of a long termed M.

The problem is I have always had this feeling of being punched in the gut every time I think about the A. That has never gone away and probably never will. So I just do what I’ve always done move on to other things and keep occupied with the now and the future.

But it never makes the ugly feeling in my gut go away. I’ve read that we keep these kinds of feeling around because they; may be better than no feeling, better than apathy, useful in some way, or we just like the pain. I don’t know what it is but it stays.

My hope is by posting this disgusting story maybe I can get it out and finally be rid of it at some point. I also hope that maybe this story will be of help to someone else along the way. It will probably serve more along the lines of just exactly what not to do.

Who knows! Any thoughts would be welcome. 2x4's etc.

First, i wanted you to know your venting was heard.

i am not a BS so I cannot give you much advice but i did want to welcome you and thank you for sharing.

your wife is very lucky.

your marriage of 38 years IS inspirational even with the ugly past, because you are still together in spite of the ugly past.

your story catches my eye for another reason. it's been about 2.5 yrs since my DH has been told all there was needing to be told. he has done no IC, we have done no MC, we talked a lot when i first confessed, answered his questions but then we never talked after that.

i guess i would say we are recovering but we are not really close.

reading your description of how you feel still (being punched in the gut) even after so many years is sad. i am sorry for your pain.

if you don't mind, i have a question... what impact do you think that had on your marriage? you 2 certainly survived but have you been close these past 20 yrs?

also, what has changed such that you now want to process it all??

i hope you can find what you are looking for in order to heal.

JKG... thanks for sharing... but please get some GOOD CHRISTIAN COUNSELING. Dont let the past rob your future!
Experience has taught me that a slow festering wound is still a festering wound. IC will help you with healing.
Do it for you, do it for your family. You will be so glad you did in the long run!! It is however very important you get a good IC. there are some quacks out there. If your IC doesnt feel right, get a new one. I think you will find that IC is a gift you give to yourself. Please give it a try, and dont let this eat you any more. Good luck, SAS.

Wow, inviting OM and his wife over to your house - that took a lot of courage. I admire you for keeping your family together, and making a good life for your son. At the time, that probably seemed like the best course of action.

Now, you are left with the result. We always tell folks here not to sweep it under the rug, because that will cause continuing problems.

The A was one of the most painful things in my life. It has been 3 and a half years for me, and most of the pain is gone. I remember that it hurt very badly, but it's kind of like childbirth - the worst pain is forgotten. So I know that your recovery isn't complete, even after all of this time.

Personally, I would fork over the money and talk to the Harley's. Even one call could give you and your wife a plan to work through this.

And a second thought. You might post this on recovery. There are some experts there that have been through some of the same feelings.

I read there quite a bit, and it is definitely the harder path when you chose to save your marriage.

I was going to suggest you do this, JKG, yesterday.

There are the most AMAZING people over there on the recovery board. Have you met LovingAnyway yet?

I'm so glad you posted your story, JKG, you ARE an amazing man, who's held this in for far too long.

~ Marsh

I am so scared that i am going to be in your place in 20 years. My W is currently pregnant (mine), but it has put a big stopper on the recovery process. And I don't have the heat or the personality to push the subject on a 6 moth pregnant person (now with some minor complications), and probably even more after the baby is born. I do love my W, and want to be with her, but there is just some unresoved issues that is hard to bring up.

My W started working with a preditor, similar to yours in that he litterly prayed on women. I even read an email from him to my W, saying how his goal is to sleep with as many W as possible. Which if he wants to chace single women fine, but I think he liked the control he had over manipulateing Married or Dateing women. Even though he was a preditor it doesn't make much of a difference, the pain the A causes is still the same.

Unlike you i did talk to some people, and found someone who also had been cheated on. It too happened over a decade ago, and she says she still has a hard time driveing by the house of the OM, and has zero tallerance for preditors like the OM in our situation. (which there was an A going on that made a big stink were i worked last year).

From talking with my friend, Triggers are Triggers, and they will never go away, but don't let them define you. Enjoy your life with the person you LOVE.

As per my advice. I don't think (and actually hope) that it is never to late to work on unresoved issues. I was reading the book "how can i forgive you" by Janis A. Spring. The book was nice because it dealt with all types of forgiving and not just from an A. The reason i bring it up was that the ones that did not deal with A's delt with families and parents. This was signifigant because they were long standing issues with someone you couldn't or didn't want to leave.

It sounds like you have a strong M, but unresoved issues. Don't let them define you, If you W loves you then she should understand. Talk to her about your issues. If there is one thing that i have learned from this experiance is that Truth is the most important thing in any relationship.

JKG...
While my time-line is shorter...I am in a very similar place with my recovery. A was never disclosed to anyone else (except my shrink - med Dr. not counselor) Never discussed it anywhere except on this site. FWW has managed to move on...never fully discussing what happened...and puts up the "your quest to punish me" defense any previous time that I tried to share with her what I was feeling. So, I just do my best to "bury it"...but like a boomerang, it always keeps coming back. In some ways, I have resolved myself to live with the pain as it has eased over time...but, some days the triggers get the best of me. Most of the time, we're fairly happy but my keeping it under wraps has been damaging to me and us. It's one thing to know the proper thing to do and another thing to do it. Conflict Avoidance and cowardness are strong within me and probably are key traits that created the setting for the A in the first place. Your sign on name is appropriate...for that is what I do...just keep on going. God Bless...Moon

JKG...thanks for sharing. Just wanted to let you know you helped me a lot in my situation and I really appreciate it. I admire your strength and honesty. Stick around and keep posting...always important to face your emotions and process them or they will continue to linger.

i'm so scared my DH is going to be exactly where you are right now in 18 more years.

we have been married for 20.

i wonder... is he thinking what you are all thinking? that i want to move on and not talk? that he is doing right by our mariage by NOT talking? that i will say he is punishing me if he tries? if so, he couldn't be more wrong.

so are you all sure you are reading your wives correctly???

yes, i would be hard on me if we ever talk, i am sure i would end up crying some, but that does NOT mean i don't want to do it. i'm sure i'll feel strong sadness over seeing his pain and the sting of remorse. but that still does NOT mean i don't want to do it.

it's the only way for us to really re-connect.

JKG, that is why i asked you how close you two have been over the last 20 yrs.

so i ask the same question to any other BS here that cares to answer. to BS's that have not talked enough about it all. do you feel close to your FWS?

FLT2H...
You present some good questions and thanks for posting...I can't speak for JKG, but in my case, I think that reading my W correctly was one of my/our problems...I just know that a year ago, I laid out everything that I was feeling and everything that I knew that had happened within an e-mail...it was met with an angry response and I came home to find her sobbing...I suppose that in my case, I can bare my pain more than I can bare to see her in pain and upset...but I do agree with you. I just haven't been able to confront the fear and the pain head-on in all of this time.

make that "probably" a "definately".

if you can figure out a way to bring up whatever it is you need, "gently"... do it now.

Not just because you will have even less of an opportunity to do so once the baby is born.. but because it is crucial you iron out any problems between you NOW, since when the baby is born, they will be magnified and hurt you even more (since you will be pushed aside in her life, for the baby)

but i didn't think we were supposed to try to "read" each other. isn't that a DJ??

so what is the current state for you... surviving but not recovering???

i'm sure if i were to read a similiar email i too would be sobbing. i don't think i've ever accused him of trying to punish me.

and for me, i hesitate to much to be the instigator for fear of making things worse.

if you don't mind me asking, what exactly was in your letter?? and what kind of response to the letter were you hoping for, what kind of response would of been helpful.

oh, but even if i ended up sobbing, i'ld rather do that then have things unsaid between us. it's not that i like to cry (although sometimes i figure i must, considering how much i have!!) but it's like "what dreams may come" i'ld rather be in ****** with him than heaven without him.

FL-2H,
The e-mail that I sent basically stated that I loved her dearly but didn't feel like we were working hard toward recovery...that even though we had recommitted ourselves to saving our marriage...that I felt like our busy lives helped to sweep things under the rug. I told her that I felt that I was door #2 to the OM's door #1 (he was a rekindled first love from college). I recalled the things that I knew from reading their e-mail exchanges and how far they had gone...EA and PA for six years...(although we live 75 miles from the OM) and that I needed her to validate my pain. Since we had not been discussing anything in quite a while, the e-mail blind-sided her and of course, she became very upset as she assumed things were going well.

yes, having busy lives definetly make it easy to sweep things under a rug. and with kids, busy lives are pretty much a given.

so lets break it down some...

you needed her to "validate my pain".

so to validate your pain, what exactly do you need her to do. listen to you and hold you? tell you verbally she is sorry for the pain she caused you? what would validation look like to you??

"her initial response was becoming upset because it blindsided her." ok, what was her followup response. did she have one? or did her initial resonse shut you down quickly because you just focused on letting it get swept back away as opposed to walking down the painful path a bit farther.

ya know, talking about it WOULD be hard, for both BS and FWS. stopping as soon as you see any pain (upsetness) is not going to help long term.

know what i mean?

i'm just thinking outloud here....

hoping i'll learn something too.

you said you felt #2 to OM. how can she help change thet feeling now? obviously not having the past actions ever occur would of done it but with the past that has already transpired, are there concret things she could do now that would help make that feeling go away, or at least subside?

JKG & MoonDog:

Your sitch's are similar, except for the time frame.

Time heals all wounds. But the facts of the A can reopen that wound at any time.

JKG: Your betrayal was 19 years ago, and you soldiered on. What else were you to do? For some reason, you went looking for and/or came across this site three months ago. Now the kids are off to college, and its just you and the FWS. And you are wondering what can I do now? Do I bring up the past? Yes. You buried something 19 years ago. You now need to dig it up and go thru it with your spouse. She may be very hesitant to do this. But she needs to. You buried it, because you felt you had to. Coming here showed you that you did not have to let that beast rest.

Because, we can wake that beast, talk about that beast, examine that beast, and lay that beast to rest. That beast has been on life-support in your heart for 19 years.

You may meet with great hesitancy on your FWS behalf to have this discussion. Find Josephs Letter on this site, modify it slightly and give it to your W. That's where you start. Tell her she does not have to answer by a certain deadline. But that this process can continue. It is not a beat up your spouse time. She may not recall somethings, its been 19 years. Give her that benefit, but make sure you want her to fill you in if she remembers later. Make it a very "safe" time for her to talk. No Love Busting. NO DJ's. To make the process easier, make a list of questions you need to have answered. Try to group them together. Get specific with some things and broader with others. And only tackle a question or two at a time. Save the most difficult for last. Make sure she knows that follow-ups and clarifications may be in order. And she is to volunteer information as much as possible. You may discover partly thru this that you know alot more than you thought and you didn't need as much info as you thought.

And most important, for the past 18 years, you have had a M that has worked. Remember that. It wasn't perfect. Mine isn't. But it works. My M is alot better now than it was 5 years ago. But I hope it is a pale comparision to 5 years from now...

Moondog:

The same applys for you. Although it has only been two years. The Email? Follow up with that. Letting your spouse feel that they are not carrying thier weight is a good thing. Even if they do get sad. This is how you feel and they have to start working with you.

We certainly went through a period wher it was very strained probably the first year. I always had the pictures in my head of them together to deal with. that made for a tough time for me for a long time. During her A she always came home at night eventually, for security I guess. But we never had any intimacy during that time. It was off limits, guess she was being faithful to OM. UGH!!!!!

After she told me we again became intimate almost immediately. Very strange. She told me that she never had any intention of ever leaving me. Just needed to be with OM for a while.

As for how we have been after the initial phases of withdrawal we went right back into our previous situation of again being best friends as well H and W. Very strange how that worked. We have always except for that time been very close and that has never changed.

After she expressed that she felt that I was trying to punish her for the A by always bringing it up I just stopped talking about that. Just never stopped thinking about it. Just waited for it to go away and it never did.

I 'm still not sure why I have gone around the internet looking at these sights but have always been sort of wanting to get some kind of answers that I hadn't already found. I think when I found this sight and began read the posts I realized that the people posting here were genuine and caring and thoughtful, not sarcastic and condemning as i had expected so maybe this was the place I was looking for after all.

This whole thing is so out of character for me being a very private, quiet and rather introspective individual. But any way here I am and I appreciate your thoughts and wish you success also.

JKG - thanks for sharing.

LG's advice is very solid.

sure seems like showing your W what you just wrote would be very good start too!

SAS'
I appreciate your response. When W first told me abou the the A we met with a couple of her Counselors at work. It was a mistake for me because as it turned out I felt like I was being ganged up on by her and them. I asked "Why didn't you let me know if things were so bad in our M for you that you needed to go outside it to get your needs met." The reponse from W was "I didn't feel that you cared." I responded "then you should used a 2x4 to get my attention". The counselor's response was "She just did!" Yikes! That kind of help I didn't need.

That was it, I no longer felt that I had a need to get beat up by the WW and the C too.

That has set to tone for me with C in general. Not positive.

My Christian values and beliefs are still intact. Just have never found that I wanted to approach someone I knew that well with this. Bad I know!

Counceling in general I am sure is a good thing just don't know if I am there or not at this point. I am finding a lot of help right now as I read and post to people like you.