Everyone is welcome here. TJ away.

Thinking about this I realize it is not just way too simplistic it is only part of the picture.

Another probably more important aspect of "It" is have your FWS become totally invested in this process with you. They must own there choices, take responsibility for their actions and be totally, honestly, remorseful for the hurt they have inflicted upon the BS. Without this the restoration process of the M is not possible to complete.

In my case I only recently realized that my FWW was just not yet ready to get into the kinds of in depth conversations needed to make a full recovery possible when I finally quit talking about the A and my hurt etc. She only recently realized how selfish her own reactions were to my talking about the A.

She now realizes that she didn't want to be made to take ownership of her part in the A and the betrayal of our M. Instead she would blame shift to me again when we did talk by saying things like "I didn't think you cared or Loved me". or "I will just leave if that is what you want since you can't get over the A"

Getting too late, more thoughts later. Comments?

Got to thinking again today about some of the old crap FWW wife did while the A was going on and that same kick in the gut feeling came back for while.

W comments to me "that you seem to be distant tonight". I think it helps to know that she is now aware of the emotions I am still feeling and she is really trying help me deal with it now. We hugged and I just held her tightly.

Things settled down and we went shopping. Guess I'm Just a Wierd Old #### Huh!

I have bad news for you. Anyone who has not personally gone through the betrayal will never ever understand how painful it is.

I'm a very sensitive, empathetic person. My niece's husband cheated on her and left her. She is smart and beautiful, a nurse that teaches other nurses about caring for cancer patints. She was devastated, and laid in bed, not being able to work, etc.

I just couldn't understand it, and told her to move on, she would find someone that cared for her, and blah, blah, blah. I didn't get it.

Until it happened to me.........

Yup! You hit it on the head.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And so where does that leave you?

I Just Keep Goin!

Beyond that.....? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

hi rprynne and JKG,

i'm mostly taking it all in right now. sometimes it all gets overwhelming. I really appreciate all the sharing. it gives me insight and helps.

rprynne, i hope your FWW comes home for good this weekend. My fingers are crossed for you and I said a prayer on your behalf. your FWW and I sound less alike then what I first thought. i understand what you are saying about how a BS needs to figure who your FWW really is. That is something i've struggled with myself, coming to terms with who i've really been for the majority of my 43 yrs of life. i so easily blocked out what i did while we were engaged and then again 5yrs into the marriage. and then 15 yrs into the marriage, well i really fell apart then.

the 10yrs inbetween i lived my life ignoring what i did.

my entire life i've hid who i really am, to myself too. i'm glad i'm not now but sometimes it is really hard to resolve it all in my head.

the baby issue is a tough one and i can imagine how tough it must be for you. but nothing is immpossible if both people want it. i pray your W will come to see that and try to work things out with you.

JKG, your sharing has helped me emensly too and so i thank you very much. it sounds like good things are happening for you now and i am glad.

i hope you dont mind but i brought you up to my DH to explain to him why it is that i want us to go to MC or if not that for us to sit down and talk. i dont want him quietly carrying around his pain!! i want us to talk, i want him to say whatever he needs to say in order to heal. this happened yesterday, it was a good talk. i'm going to write more about it in my "FL is not a wimp" thread.

believer, i think it goes both ways, BSs can't really put themselves in our shoes either (by that I mean how it feels when you open your eyes to what you have done). not saying it is not worse to be the BS, i realize it is as you are the victim of someone else's action. but we do sincerely hurt too.

By all means use my sitch. That's partly why I have posted it. Im' hoping that it could help someone else not to do as I hav done. It "AINT GOOD for you".


yep I understand this about the WW pain. But they created the problem that caused the pain in the first place through lies, deception, giving their affection that belonged to the BS to an OP that had abolutely no right to any in the first place. Yeah they have a lot of pain trying to reconcile all of that in their minds. The problem in my mind is that instead of being willing to take ownership for all of this betrayal of the M so many FWW just want to say "it's over let's not talk about it any more". "It makes me feel bad".

Well Duh! It's supposedto make you fell bad. It should. It's also necessary so everyone can finally recover completely.

JKG, for how long. i sure seems like i am having a hard time moving on then my BS is. it doesn't make sense.

FLT2H

I don't know what to tell you 'cause I don't have an answer. I've held on to this for too many years and now I think its coming to a head.

If we are to head off a disaster here I'm just going to have to suck it up and go back underground. I think we are now building up to something not good. She's talking of leaving now because I've just unloaded a lot of pent up emotions in very negative way. Just a verbal tirade of how I have felt since this whole thing happened.

Guess I finally blew it.

JKG,

Have you thought about going to IC?

Or MC?

You need to work through this and find some sort of peace for yourself.

~ Marsh

Not something I'm likely to do unfortunately.
Just think the best thing would be to keep my big mouth shut and go back status quo. Not really perfect but it worked.

This is just hurting her too much!!!

Why would your going to IC hurt her?

~ Marsh

No! Me letting it out on her. That was stupid.

I'm just gun shy with Couselors. On d-day plus 1 had a real bad experience with one.

They're not all bad.

Would you consider starting a thread on Recovery? Maybe doing a "shout out" to LovingAnyway...she's so fabulous at helping people through their emotional pain.

~ Marsh

Well I think the trauma is over for now. We have hugged and madeup. She just feels so bad for what has happened and feels that i would be better off is she left. So I have to show her that is not the case.

She is my life and I want her to know it so the best thing is to get the emotions back under control and keep them that way.


Also want to say thanks for your support.
Sort of feel I've let you down somewhat today as well.

I think about the Recovery thing.

Another thing is that we are both very tired from a long and grueling two day road trip. Drove 300+ mile and did a job last night then back and did another job her this aftenoon. While dealing with icy road conditions to boot.

No wonder we are touchy.

You feel as though you let ME down today???

How?

JKG, You aren't supposed to get your feelings under control. You're supposed to LISTEN to them, acknowledge them and find where they're coming from.

The more you try to suppress them, the worse they get. They want to be heard. And they won't stop until they are.

Please think about starting a thread on recovery. Title it, "LovingAnyway, can you please help me."

And then just tell her how you'd like to get rid of this hurt you've been carrying around.

She'll help you. She is a very special person who has been a blessing to so many people here.

~ Marsh

Oh yes, that sounds VERY stressful.

I'm glad you're home safe and sound.

Get some rest now, and maybe in the morning you'll feel like starting that thread in recovery.

Night, JKG.

((((HUGS))))

~ Marsh