How?

Let's see I think the Words you said were something like "you humble me" as I recall.

Guess it just went to my head a little. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, you do.

But, I never expected you to be less than human.

I never expected you not to hurt or feel pain.

Or to get upset and LB.

You're human and I want you to heal and grow.

For YOU.

B/c YOU matter.

~ Marsh

Geesh!!!! I thought I was SuperHuman!!!!

NOw I'm just a mere human, Oh well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

anyway,

Thanks Marsh!!!!

Goodnight!

Hi JKG,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult evening you both had. I too am glad you arrived home safe and sound. I hope you got a good night sleep.

if you unloaded your emotions in a unloving way then apologize. but do not think that means you should stuff your emotions again!! that is no more a solution than dumping on her is.

the trick is to communicate lovingly. which i know is very hard given how much the subject pains you.

simple but not easy.

the last time DH and I talked, he started and ended with positives first. "overall i am doing good". in between he shared with me some things that have troubled him.

come to think of it, he was really great in the way he communicated to me. i'm going to have to tell him how much i appreciated that.

Yep, It was a stupid emotional outburst by me. I have appologized and she accepted and says she understands how I feel.

Sounds like your H is doing great in dealing with this. I need to work on that kind of approach.

He will appreciate you telling him how much you appreciate his understand.
If he is like me any such appreciation is GOLD.

.

i just sent him this email...

Hi DH,

there is something i've been meaning to say but have not found a time to say it yet...

I really really appreciated the talking we did the other day when we went driving. i suppose i might have told you that then but not specifically that, i really really appreciated that you started and ended with positives. that was extremely nice to hear.

i'm extremely glad to hear you are basically doing good.

love you,
FL

GOLD!!!

Keep 'em going.

I've kind of realized something when I posted this on recovery. Part of our problem is a respect issue. Something else to work on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Yep! Never really healed. Never figured out how <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I never had a place like this to go Fume and blow off steam. So all I could do when I would talk to her about it was LB and DJ.

Not exactly what you need to do to recover.

She would get so upset at that that she felt all I wanted to do was punish her.

At first to an extent she may have been right.

But I finally figured out the only way we were going to get out of that was to quit talking about it completely Hence 19 years later I am trying to figure this out.

She has been habitually criticizing towards me through the years making remarks intended to antagonize me sometimes cutting a little too deeply. I finally realized it was probably from her having lost respect for me during the A or probably even before. I have talked with her about it and she has tried to think about how her remark would feel to me. But sometimes she blurts things out before she thinks. I think that's a big EN for me.

Anyway I have finally gotten hyper sensitive to it and that along the other emotions I have been dealing with it came to a head. So after my tirade she felt that I deserved better and she should leave. In other words I would be beter off.

I have never wanted her to leave so I have to figure out how to talk without LB's and DJ's. Either that or turn off the criticism and keep my mouth shut. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Another strange realization that I thought about today. Feedback??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I guess I have been a conflict avoider!

No I don't think we are headed for D. But I would like to clear the air on these issues. I have harbored a lot of resentment from all of the criticism and the A. I've certainly earned my share.

Still it hurts.. and I just hold it in and it starts building up to crisis point again. The thing is now that point is never far away. Just sort of feel that I am on the edge a lot lately.

I think about the A and she'll just casually at some point throw out a zinger and I'm totally in it.

We neither one want the M end.

That thought is totally abhorant to me.

So I guess we need to read, study and really work on this together. I just have to stop being so darn stubborn about keeping it to myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, people who say things like you deserve better, or maybe she should leave, can be using those phrases to stop you from talking about unpleasant things.

Yeah,

I think there is something in that here. That has been her reaction when it heavy since the A. During the A it was just CRAZY.

Well Its decided!

No more indulging in wallowing in the emotions of past wounds. It's all history and can't be changed. And it just keeps getting more and more depressing the more I think about it. Ive been falling back into the same old Black Hole I was in right after D-day. I've been there and done that don't need to go over that same ground again. Once was more than enough for anyone. Even "SuperHuman" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So! On with the power of positive thinking!!!!!

We are going to get busy and really work on us in the now and the future. Get back to reading and studying applying Harley's principals in our M.

I know the admonishments about not sweeping it under the rug. And I know things will come up but we will talk and resolve them as we go along. We are a family with a very long and happy history sprinkled with a few moments of frustration. (To borrow the fighter pilots phrase). I am determined not to let those moments of frustration destroy what has taken a lifetime to achieve.

That's my thinking today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Posted this in response to JustLearning on recovery.


Wow! I figured I would get some negative feedback that I was just ignoring the problem. That is not my intention though. It is more thinking that yes there will still times when i get down thinking about it I'm sure but I've decided that I won't again be drug down into that Black hole of depression over it.

The thing is to concentrate on what we have together now. She keeps telling me "Yes I did an awful thing to us I know. But I am here now and have been since d-day and that's not going to change."

She is and has been and we continue forward together. Hand in Hand!!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Power of positive thinking is not working today.

Doing exactly the opposite of what I set out to do.

Think I need a recharge.


Oh Well! try again tomorrow.

that's ok, you are normal.

but someone wise just recently wrote:


i forgot who though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OK, OK, I get it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Not so sure about the wise part though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

And we will continue forward together. Hand in Hand!!!!

I just had a realization 20 years tooo late but I possibly, No Probably, could have stopped W's A before it got started had I reacted correctly to this:

W came home and told me "OM said 'He (me) had better watchout or someone (him) is going to steal you (her) away'".

I now realize that was the point of no return. I simply responded to her to "watch out for him and let me know if he does or says anything he shouldn't". I had that total trust in my W that she would do that.

Well Duh!!!!! How stupid can I get. He was testing the waters and I didn't get it until now! OMG UGH

He knew that she told me everything at the time and that she would relay that to me.
He knew that: If I didn't confront him that:
1. She didn't tell me, therfore Greenlight. or
2. I wouldn't stop him by confronting him hence no respect for me, therefore Greenlight.

Wow talk about a digusting realization...........

Strange that you think that way. As a female, working with all men, I have to say that your wife should have nipped THAT one in the bud.

OUCH!!!!

But in a way that is the truth!!!!

She does now agree BTW.

She say she just got carried away when he started saying all those complements etc. It was incidious the way he carried out his attack. And of course she just allowed herself to be sucked in. Didn't understand to protect her weaknesses.

That is the big problem - not protecting boundaries. Over the years I have had lots of married men interested in me. And I'm just average in every way.

But when the conversation gets going that way, it is up to the wife to halt it. (Oops, or the husband if it is the other way around)

Men usually start out by complaining about their wives, or marriage. THAT is the place to put up the boundaries. That stops 99% of them. With the other !%, you just need to let them know that if they keep it up, you will contact their wife.