My spiritual connection is my relationship with God. I believe that if my spouse and I had followed the way HE tells us to treat our spouse that it would have taken the focus off of "I".

I believe that when someone becomes "I" focused, that leads to the other behaviors. However when someone is focused on Jesus and others, and what they are doing to care for other (with that being your spouse) that things will fall into place. Doesn't mean there won't be rough spots or difficulties, however if we focus on the other person and what we are doing for them than we aren't focused so much on "I". I think both spouses need to be in the same arena on this. It's not going to work well if one is other focused and one is "I" focused.

I have found this recently with my fwh. When discussing what other steps needs to be done in our marriage to get it where we both want it, he is telling me but look at what I have done so far, look at this thing that I have done, look at what I have done for you, look at all the things I am doing now that I wasn't doing before. Some of them have been baby steps others have been a little bigger. However he is focusing on the "I" person. I have thanked him for the changes, encouraged, supported. However there are some really hard changes to be made and he seems to want to focus on the "I" things he has already done. If I decide to do that to than we have two selfish people only focusing on what they have done instead of acknowledging what each has done and continuing to move forward.

Not sure any of this makes sense. I just believe that if my fwh and I follow the principles laid out in the Bible and take the focus off of self, we will build a more intimate marriage. Without that we continue down the same path we have been on.

aren't you the clever one SS to pick up on that

our M began without a spiritual connection ... and it was his interest that slowly sprouted mine

samNson brought up a part of what this is all about for me ... non-marital spiritual connection

most of you know my H is a big AA guy ... AA meetings almost daily ... and a large part of their alcohol recovery is surrendering to their "higher power" ... and it has been through this connection that I have understood my H's need to spiritual connections .. it keeps his feet grounded and away from booze ... but I did not recognize how it would benifit ME to be spiritually connected with my H until we adopted 2 kids one after the other

having kids suddenly ... I was humbled in a way I never expected... I saw that my self pride needed to be removed from my kung-fu-grip .... that I could not do this thing called life without God...

it was in that release of 'control' that I was set free

Pep

bjs, I agree with a lot of what you wrote. But about your husband I think maybe he needs to feel acknowledged and respected by you for what he has already done. Some people need encouragement even when they are only a little way down a better path.

It is harder to think about what he needs when he is always talking about his own needs but your best bet is to give him increased love and affection because he is at least trying to make positive changes. Better not to focus on how wrong he is for focusing on himself because that can come across as a love buster (disrespectful judgement).

I feel how frustrating this must be for you but it really looks fairly positive. Sometimes it hurts or frustrates us because it is sort of too little too late. But try to respect that he is at least moving in the right direction even though it might feel like it's really sloooooowly sometimes.

Thank God he is moving in the right direction because he could be moving the other way and that would be so much worse!

Things that people say

Things that people don't say.

Both tell a story.

Good for you Pep.

The longer I live, the more I believe in a loving God who has a plan for our happiness, and who helps us on our way.

May you continue to find Joy in the journey.

SS

I agree and I have tried to give him this. I keep learning things as I go along. He says he feels unworthy of me because of my walk and my wanting to be open and honest. He has issues being open and honest with me and when I recently asked him if it was an attainable goal he said he didn't know. It is frustrating in that he has made very little movement or effort over the last months. He is always to busy with other things. It's like he gives me a wonderful glimpse and then pulls it back.



You are right and I see how I am also guilty of the "I" focus. I have held my love back from him for awhile and was faking till I made it type of thing. I do need to give him that though maybe it will help him.



It's not that its to little to late, it's more the lack of effort. The lack of what he is willing to do to get us where we want to go. I cannot do it by myself. I am tired very tired. Tired of fighting for us. I see little fighting for us from him.



And this statement is the kind of thinking I have been doing lately that has brought me to the point of accepting our marriage where it is. Of not expecting or wanting that intimate connection that I know it could be. Of being able to know that he can be open and honest with me, not matter how painful it would be to me. I have been looking at the postive things about him, he is a wonderful provider, he doesn't abuse me or the kids, he is making very gradual steps, and other things, so what makes me feel that I should expect anything else. There are others who have it far worse than I and they would love to have a fwh like mine. So you are very right it could be much worse and I am greatful for the things he brings to our marriage, I just need to keep reminding myself of this and be ok with it.

Thank you for your response I have been thinking about it all day. I just wanted us to work towards that intimacy in a marriage that I know can happen. That I read about here and other places. I just don't believe I am worth the effort to him.

Pep, your mentioning the higher power basis in AA makes me think, about how sometimes at services I experience a sort of a "high" - not as immediate or powerful as a high from drugs or alcohol, and not as predictable, like a part of my brain or soul caught a whiff of something divine.

The whiff takes me back to something nearly forgotten, nearly lost. Something I once really experienced, but now can only barely reach.

Those of us who need connection to the divine sometimes take shortcuts with drugs/booze. Maybe that's why AA is so successful. It redirects our longing back toward God and away from the poison.

The cliche about religion being the opiate of the masses makes a lot of sense. (I do not intend to belittle religious needs by citing the cliche. Rather, cliches come into being because there is so much truth in them.)

Years ago
when I was working neonatal ICU
I'd sometimes get a "whiff of the divine" when looking into the face of a very young preemie

it was as if they had just left God ... and HIS light was still shining through their eyes

I never experienced this with a full term newborn

just the really tiny preemies

weird, I know

Pep

Reading, and thinking..........

SS