So, we (as a MarriageBuilders community) have gone round and round about what questions to ask, how to ask, etc.

I think the "discussion", all sides included, was enlightening.

Now, the other shoe:

What is the appropriate response if the wayward spouse declines to answer the questions the betrayed spouse asks?

As advertised, I have re-engaged in "active" recovery since the holidays are behind us. I say "active" recovery in that I am once again talking about the pain I am feeling and restated my need for my wife to answer some questions.

She made it clear that there are questions she may decide that she won't answer. Questions not about sex or sexual acts, but ones about how she felt about her OM or me during her affairs. I have detailed reasons for each of my questions as to why I'm asking it and what it will contribute to my healing.

I don't consider these types of questions on anyones "DO NOT ASK" list. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So, what is the best response if I indeed get, "I'm not going to answer that."

My current plan is to say (gently but firmly), "I do not accept that answer, but I will not press you for an answer now and we will come back to this question at a future date."

I really am trying to give our marriage the best chance to succeed. But watching her erect her glass wall when I told her we still have some work to do shattered my heart.

What is the best, loving, Plan-A response to "I'm not going to answer that question"?

Thanks to all for your continued advice and frank opinions.

Reply: "I need your answer to heal from your affairs and continue in our marriage."

Good luck Artor. As I said before, I think your wife will rise to the occasion. [I hope I'm right.]

~Saturn

Artor wrote:
I have detailed reasons for each of my questions as to why I'm asking it and what it will contribute to my healing.

M2L:

have you told your wife this and the reasons why? If she sees that it may help you then she may answer them.

What reason does she give for not answering your questions?

Artor, I think it is very important for your WW to understand how critical it is to your recovery to have all of your questions answered completely and openly. There will be no recovery as long as there are secrets with the OP to which the spouse is not privy.

I like what you said to your wife about this, but I would also suggest printing up Joseph's letter and handing this to her. I think many WSs are under the impression that this is "private" information, so it might take some explaining to help them understand that it is not. It is VITAL information about your marriage that has been wrongfully withheld from you. You must have this information in order to heal and move on.

For me, the lack of complete honesty was a deal breaker, [because I knew there would be no recovery without it] so I made this clear to him. Eventually everything did come out and we were able to move on peacefully.

Artor:


What is the best, loving, Plan-A response to "I'm not going to answer that question"?

Do you feel that by answering that question, that you are betraying OM? Because that should not matter now.

Because the "Glass Wall" will never melt unless you answer these things.

When do you feel you will be able to answer that question?

Artor:
I would also recommend that you make if "Safe" for her to answer. And let her see the entire list. With your reasons. And then let her answer them one or two at a time.


LG

At the end of the day Artor you will have to decide if you are prepared to end your marriage over her refusal to answer. If you are you need to tell her that.

Agree that you will need to decide what the consequence for NOT answering the questions or being willing to answer to your satisfaction will be before you ask.

Another important consideration is this...

The answer that you get..with particular regard to how she feels about...anything...are a snapshot rather than The Truth in any cemented sort of way. It may be The Truth right this minute but in retrospect five years from now she may believe differently...ten years from now she may have a completely different outlook.

Artor, there is no "the" answer. There are many potential "answers" from "nothing" to "divorce." Which one would like? Where along the "spectrum of answers would you like "dig in your heels?"




You may well have what you consider to be "detailed reasons," they may even be "good" or "right" reasons for you. But we have no idea what you are thinking or what "weight" you place upon the questions and/or the potential answers.




That's fine, Artor, you can do and say that. Others have done similar things.

But let me ask you to ask yourself a question if I may. "If I never get an answer to that question, is that a 'deal breaker' and we proceed to divorce?" If it's NOT a 'deal breaker,' just how important is EVEN asking the question? Is it potentially helpful or harmful to your joint recovery? Or will your "we'll get back to that one later" to be a proverbial "sword of Damoclese" hanging over her head indefinately?




imho, since you ask, ....Forgiveness....and the threefold promise that you make to your wife when you say "I forgive you."


No, I'm not being insensitive to your feelings and your "knowledge gap." But you do need to think "balance" in what is truly needed and what is driven by your own emotional need regardless of the overall effect it (like your wife's decision to have an affair did) might have upon the MARRIAGE.

God bless.

I think that demanding an answer is not going to get you anywhere. What if you try the other route and surprise her by being extra loving and sensitive? For example you could say something like "I understand that you aren't ready to talk to me about that. I hope I can win back your trust" or something like that. If she is answering any of your questions then that is a good sign that you could still get back in her trust and her heart. If she felt truly safe then I think she would answer, so maybe look at whether she has any reason to believe that you are asking questions for HER benefit too, or just because you care about yourself.

I don't mean to say that you don't care about her! but maybe she doesn't see that your questions are about healing your marriage or trying to be loving toward her, maybe they seem more like they are all about you. If so, then she will probably feel emotionally safer to not answer.

We sometimes want to just take care of ourselves when we are hurt but that is not good for marriage. No matter what she has done I think you need to show her that you care about her wishes and her feelings and that you are not giving up on her or on your marriage. Anybody can be demanding but it takes someone who really cares to remember to respect her feelings and wishes even when you are feeling hurt.

neither do I think DEMANDS are an answer.

Boundaries are not demands.

I apologize for asking the question and then not responding. I was busy at work and then went straight home where my wife was waiting with, "Did you bring your list of questions?"

I very much appreciate all the responses and input provided here.

I contemplated the entire ordeal on the way home from work. I resolved to start it off with prayer and then thank my wife for her willingness to do this, tell her I know it's not easy for her to answer the questions and remind her that some of the answers won't be easy for me to hear. I assured her that I am doing this in an effort to recover some sense of what happened to us and our marriage.

I told her of the five general groups of questions, why those groups were important and that I need answers to these questions -- not "I don't know". If a question requires more thought, we can talk about it later.

After a couple rough starts on some questions, she began to answer freely and appeared to put thought behind her answers. We dialoged about some questions and answers and she actually posed questions back to me, which I freely and thoughtfully answered.

At no time did either of us lose our temper or emotional control (a rare occasion when discussing her affairs).

Only once or twice did I have to go back to her first affair (6 years ago) to provide an example of "WHY" a question was important for her to answer. She did voice a word of resentment for "going back there" to which I told her -- the first affair is a historical fact and I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen and it certainly applies to this conversation.

Overall, in a room with just my wife and myself (and her dog <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) we went through the list one question at a time. She was surprised when it was over. I did consciously structure the list to put some positive questions at the end that focussed on "US" and not "THEM". Among the last questions were:

• What do you appreciate most about how I have handled / am handling our recovery?
• What kinds of things did we do while dating / in our early marriage that you wish we still did today?

I think that it's important to not only think about what questions to ask, but to also think about the order in which the questions are asked. I would recommend not stringing too many "emotional" questions together or put all of the "Yes/No" questions in a lump. Mixing it up seemed to help in my situation.

Thank you all again for your encouragement and support.

Once we got started, I never had to worry about what to do if she refused to answer.


Oh, and neither Dr. H or Dr. P were in the room. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the input, FH.

This is exactly the "question" I'm asking.

Yes, I believe her failure to be willing to answer my questions, any questions, is a dealbreaker.

Her decisions to have her affairs betrayed me and our family on so many levels that restoring my ability to feel security in our marriage is imperative. And refusing to share with me information about the events that have nearly destroyed me is not an option.

Now, that's not to say that all of my questions were of equal importance. For some, I continued to probe her answers until I felt the full extent had been explored. For others, I accepted her answer at face value and moved on.

I made it clear, I believe, at the beginning of our "session" that questions she didn't answer would not be forgotten, but I would expect an answer at some point. If she chose to view these as some Damoclean sword, so be it.

I know that sounds harsh, but her betrayal was harsh.


I don't disagree with you that forgiveness is the start and most important aspect of healing. I have forgiven my wife as best as I can at this time. I believe it to be a process, not a one-time, waiving of a wand, "I forgive you" *bing*.

I do not think, however, that forgiving my wife absolves her from responsibility or consequence for her choices. I don't hold her affairs over her head or beat her down with them, but I ask her to demonstrate that our marriage is now a priority to her and she is willing to do the tough job of rebuilding it. Part of this is looking me in the eye and truthfully and fully answering the questions I have.

Thanks

Thanks, ML.

I mailed her a link to Joseph's letter before the holidays. I asked her if she had any thoughts about it. The first thing she said was, "I don't like it."

I knew, and confirmed, that what she didn't like was that it made sense and it left her with little reason or excuse to refuse to answer the questions I have.

I think the time I spent before asking the questions praying with her, thanking her for doing this and explaining the reasons for my qeustions helped.

I agree that it is a deal breaker. Not for every question, some were introspective and required some supposition, but for those questions involving fact and detail, a lack of honesty is a deal breaker.

Thanks again.

Thanks for the encouragement, SR.

Yes, she did rise to the occasion after a bumpy start.

She seems committed to our recovery and healing.

Thanks

M2L,

Mostly, her reasons for not answering questions is, "I don't understand why you need to know that?"

That is when I started to ensure I had a reasoned answer for "WHY" I needed to know something.

The questions I had were in five groups, each group was the "basic" reason for what her answers would provide:

• Help me understand your relationship with you OM
• Help me understand your attraction to the OM
• Help me understand the condition of our relationship during you affairs
• Help me understand the current state of our marriage
• Help me manage triggers and "mental monkeys"

She seemed to appreciate that I had reasons for my questions and that I just wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable.

Thanks for your insight.

LG--

I offered to email the list to her, but she said she didn't want to see it, just to get through it.

She preferred the "pull the bandaid off quickly" approach so we had a "marathon" session where we went through the entire list.

I think that she was not trying to protect the OM but more herself and how much I know about her affairs. Fortunately, I didn't ask questions about how deep the sexual relationship went and more the emotional side.

Her "glass wall" is a defensive mechanism I deal with all the time. She has an Oscar-winning 1000-yard stare that lets me know that she is in the room and somewhere else at the same time.

Thanks

Thanks, BK.

Yes, if she refused to participate in answering these questions, then it is a deal breaker. When she first intimated that she might not participate in this process, I told her that we are probably over as a marriage then.

I don't know how that resonated with her, but she didn't refuse to answer a single question I asked (she had to be prodded to fully answer some of them, but they were uncomfortable questions to be fair).

Thanks

samNson--

Thanks for your insight.

I agree that demanding an answer is not productive.

However, I see a difference between demanding an answer and holding a firm stance against further secrecy and avoidance.

As bigkahuna put it, my boundary.

I did explain to her that I believe she is obligated to answer these questions. I also told her that healing and recovery hinge upon her willingness to be open and honest with me about her affairs. I firmly believe that.

I fully agree with the need to respect her feelings and wishes.

I asked her how she would like to go through the questions, all at once or a few at a time. I was ready to defer to her preference. This was in spite of the fact that I had definite feelings and ideas about how things should go. But I recognized the greater importance of partnering with her to answer these questions and, thus, making her willing to answer them.

I don't quite understand what you mean by "I understand that you aren't ready to talk to me about that. I hope I can win back your trust".

To me that sounds like a packaged excuse for her to avoid answering specific questions she may not like: "I don't want to answer that because I don't trust you. I may or may not ever answer it depending on how I feel about you."

My approach is, "You don't have to answer it NOW, but you will have to answer this question at some point if we are to move forward."

I have put countless hours into these questions, determining what I believe I NEED to know to begin to restore MY trust in HER. I did not choose the questions at random or willy-nilly. I think she finally realized that and that led to her willingness to answer. But at no time were any of the questions "optional" -- they could be deferred, but not dismissed.

Thanks

Thanks, noodle for the insight.

Yes, I think her "perception" of events and feelings may change over the years. I'm sure mine will as well.

I'm just looking forward to having all of this 5-years or, better yet, 10-years behind us.

Thanks