Hi everyone- I'm still studying up on the policies, and we are trying the Policy of Joint agreement. However, my H is P-A, and has always "enthusiastically agreed" to everything. Now, after the A, he agrees even more. I know he doesn't always agree with everything, and his actions prove otherwise in most cases. How do I get it through to him that he has to be honest in order for these concepts to work?? Has anyone ever tried this with a passive-agreessive peron?? I don't think I can do the Policy of JOINT Agreement with someone who agrees to anything and never verbalizes an opinion. (although I KNOW he has one!!) I've read about P-A on Mulan's threads here,and at other sites, but I don't find much on this web site about it. The other sights paint a pretty dim picture, and I'm trying to find a way to live with this man. Anyone advice would help...

c_sahm - are you sure he's P/A? Passive/Aggresssive types HATE the POJA more than anything. They will usually just snarl "You're trying to control me!" and will insist that POJA is just a way for *you* to get what *you* want. Trying to tell them that it's intended for *both* of you to get what you want is worse than useless.

Are you sure he's P/A? Or it could be that he will tell you whatever you want to hear and then just ignore that and go do what he wants anyway. P/As will always find a way to defeat and sabotage you.

Have you been successful with POJA with him in the past?
Mulan

I thought P-A was what he's doing when he tells me whatever I want to hear, then does what he wants anyway. He probably does hate the POJA, but he would never voice his objections to me. He'll go along to keep the peace and then pout and feel sorry for himself later. And, then he avoids me and turns to other people for EN's/ adoration. What's that if it's not P-A??

Well, that does sound like P/A with emphasis on the Passive and with HEAVY emphasis on being a conflict avoider.

The only thing I know to do with a P/A is to call them on their behaviour every time you see it. That's what the experts say to do and I have seen it have some effect.

There is a lot about "calling them on their P/A behaviour" in the MB thread in my sig line below. Start on about page 53 if you are short on time. I think you will find what you are looking for there, but feel free to come back here and ask any questions you have. There are several of us here dealing with just this problem.
Mulan

Thanks, Mulan. I'm sifting through your threads, but seem to get lost in all the "he said-she said". I just wish for once I knew exactly how he felt. But, he comes from a long line of phoneys- politician-types. We are just so very different, and the bold-faced lies are really hard to get over. The complete lack of respect. I admit, I may not be giving him a fair chance, but I have given him SOOOOO many chances in the past. I'm just plain worn out. I wish I could start fresh, take what I've learned and find love again. I just don't see it happening with this stranger, who I thought I knew. Some days I'm just praying he'll screw up 1 more time so I can have some closure. But that will never happen. He knows a PA will end our marriage, so he'll just keep pushing the limits and torturing me with his apathy and BS. I just have a really hard time finding something redeemable in this relationship b/c I can't sift through all the BS. "I love you" flows so easily from his lips (and always has), yet true feelings and honesty NEVER cross his lips. If he has loved me all this time, then I'm not interested in that kind of love. OK, I'm babbling...sleep deprivation's kicking in. Thanks for listening...

Are you familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? You may want to do a Google search on it and see if this fits.
Mulan

OK, I did some reading on NPD. That sounds somewhat like him. HE'll go to great lengths to keep up appearances. It's like he has to try really hard to say the right thing b/c he doesn't have any real true feelings. He thinks a great deal about what he's going to say before he says it when it comes to "feelings". He's like a robot. The only thing is, he is the most agreeable robot around. From outside appearances everyone thinks he's the kindest most easy-going guy. He does that act with me too- as if NOTHING bothers him-ever. He never has an opinion, never sticks up for himself. Never disagrees, never says he's unhappy...about anything. But, I know nothing could be that perfect. Obviously, or he wouldn't have sought out other women. HELLO!! He will not engage in an argument. I NEVER know how he truely feels. Therefore, every disagreement beins and ends with me. Every argument is then "my fault" b/c he is just so stinking agreeable. How do you resolve anything with someone who works SOOOO hard at pretending things are perfect???

Well - you can't resolve anything, as you have seen.

From what you have posted, yeah, it does sound like extreme conflict-avoidance and maybe NPD.

You may want to call some psychologists in your area and see if you can find one who is familiar and experienced with this. Make an appointment just for you - not your husband - and talk to the psychologist about this. See what they have to say and see if they feel there's anything to be done. They may want to see both of you together.

From what I've read, garden-variety passive-aggressive behaviour is learned and can therefore be unlearned - but NPD is a character trait and there is very little, if anything, that can be done to change it. The only advice I've ever seen is "leave, or learn to live with it exactly as it is now."

However, this is all an armchair diagnosis. I'd suggest contacting a good psychologist and get an expert opinion. Let us know what you find out.
Good luck.
Mulan

Thanks, Mulan. That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'll keep you up-dated. By the way are you still married to the P-A H?

confusedsamom,

Trust me on this one, Mulan's insight helped me in my sit. Check out the links in her signature...very helpful. Some insights in my thread as well....but it's looooong. Good luck!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3063951