My wife and I are now about three weeks from when she confessed about her affair.

I broke down this weekend, we had a pretty good day, went out for a nice dinner. I had a drink too many when we got back to our apartment, and just couldn't stop crying. I know this is hard, but I haven't sobbed like that since I was a child. I am ashamed and afraid that if I am not strong and have 100% faith we are going to get through this she will loose more and more respect for me. She did her best to comfort me and we eventually went to sleep. I guess I wanted to show her that I could be fun and spontanious too, it back fired.

I feel so drained, I don't feel like I have the strength. She loves me and we both want to make our marriage work. When she feels so distant it is torture to me.

How do I stay strong? How do I keep the dispair away?

Thanks for listening,
-Jason

Jason do you equate being strong with not crying?

WOW

I could barely function at 3 weeks.

The despair will go away after you've rebuilt your M better than ever. When you are completely happy with the new M you've created this will just seem like a learning experience.

When you said you lost it this weekend, I thought you meant that you got angry and LBed your WW. Showing your emotions is perfectly fine. My WW rented "Last Kiss" and we watched it yesterday, and I couldn't stop crying.

You'll make it through this. You have reacted better than 95% of BSs on this board.

It is not that I equate crying with not being strong, it is the feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock and to just disappear. I fell apart that night, and I thought I was more, for the lack of a better word, "resilient".

When she is sad and down, when she is questioning our lives together, it is magnified ten-fold on my heart. It feels like I don't have the reserves to keep myself afloat and also be there when she needs me to listen and talk. I am afraid that if I am not there when she does open up to me that we will just continue to drift further apart.

When I would have a bad day, I would look to her for faith and encouragement. Now who do I turn to when I need strength? I feel like if I show her that I need help or if I look to her for strength, I will push her away. We are trying to strengthen our faith in God together and that has helped. I guess I have more strengthing to do.

-Jason

It is a really good thing when a FWS gets an up close and personal look at the pain they've caused. You may even find yourself more sensitive than ever before, with moving moments, movies, etc. I certainly tear up at things a lot more than I used to.

Chin up, shoulders back, chest out, march forward. It's not a setback, it's just part of the process.

Best wishes,
SD

I think it is a good thing that she saw you this way. It may have helped hit home some more for her. It did hurt you and feels like sheit!!!


She will be distand until she get thru withdrawal and that takes a few weeks to a few months.

this is all very normal and it may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. Take care of yourself and keep in Plan A.

Jason - you don't need to be a tough guy here.

Thanks for your responses. It is like I feel panic trying to balance my desire to "make things right" and also give her a chance to "come back to me".

Did you do anything to help "stay the course"? How did you get through the time when she doesn't want anything to do with you?

-Jason

well the first 8 weeks is a living he11 while your wife goes through withdrawal. Don't expect too much from her.

Go hang out with some friends and do something for yourself.

Here is a list that the good people here have put together:

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3.repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11 . GIVE UP

M2L,

THANK YOU! That is something I can use! I am good with plans and tangible things. I am actually going to print it out and keep it in my wallet.

Thank you all for your help.

In humility,
-Jason