I have been reading Surviving an Affair since my WS had the affair in October. She first agreed to not contact the OM but now she is in contact with him over the phone and getting some of her needs meet. I have been implementing Plan A and we are going to counseling, but I am getting pretty beat up emotionally and I don’t think I will have the opportunity to meet some of her needs if someone else is there.

She is planning on moving out of the house in a couple of weeks, while we are in separate bedrooms. There is a lot more to this story, but I need to know if I should move to Plan B and move out of the house or keep working on Plan A even though she is still communicating with the OM. I feel like she is getting the cake!

She throws a lot of FOG out at the counseling, and I do say I am sorry for my not being around when she needed me and she apologizes for what had happened and says it just clouded the situation. She states that this is about her independence and a new life which she was working on before the affair. I fully support he in her new life and independence, I just want it to be with me. Please help with the next steps of direct me to some information in this Forum.

Counselling is a waste of time, effort and money while she is in an active affair.

Have you exposed this sleazy little affair to family and friends? Can you post some more details of your situation?

Please read the links in my signature below.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!

You need to plan A for at least 3-6 months. Post more details of your story so we know how best to help you.

If you currently pay for her cell phone and that is how she contacts OM, cut it off. If she calls him via land line, call your phone company and block his number.

Have you exposed? Who is OM. Is he a coworker? If he is expose to their work. Expose to his family and friends and significant other. Expose to your WW's family and friends. What have you done so far? How have you been meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs?

Also, if she is moving out, make sure you cut her off financially. Do you make much more than her?

My WW ended her affair the day I financially cut her off. I make a ****** of a lot more than her, and I took away her comfortable life. I guess she thought I was just going to let her cheat on me until she could financially establish herself...WRONG!!!

This is her boss from an old job in another town about 3 hours away. We moved away about two years ago and she goes there to visit her friends. She had met him in a casual way a few times with her friends before the affair, and then it happened.

I have exposed her to our friends and others and I did call the other man in December with her in the room and told him that I was sorry for the pain I had caused my wife from my traveling with my job and that I wanted another chance with her. I have not exposed the relationship to the OM but I will do that tonight over the phone.

She initially said that she would not communicate with him until after the Holidays. I have been working avoiding LB’s and meeting her EN’s. But she still thinks about him and says she loves him.

Will I look like I am “just mad” if I cut off the cell phone and try to have her avoid further contact with him?

How do I show her that I am a good listener if I don’t go to counseling?

I have so much to say but I want to see how to move forward right now.

Have you read the links I suggested below?

I do make alot more than she does, but cutting her off finacially sounds like Plan B. Should I implement?

She already has her own checking account but I don't think she has much money.

How can I stay in the house with her if I do all this. She will think I am just mad and it will withdraw from the Love Bucket !!

My WW's affair ended the day I cut her off. Plan B is NC with her until she agrees to your conditions. Don't let her go back to wherever without you. Cut off the phone. Don't worry about making her mad, worry about her leaving you for another man. She needs to be hit with the reality of what she is doing. You are just enabling her A right now. She is going to be PISSED! Don't worry, your M can survive her anger, but it cannot survive and ongoing affair. When she starts spewing venom at you, just sit there stonefaced and say I am only doing this to try and save our marriage. Then ignore her rantings.

She can't have an affair on you if she doesn't have the means or the opportunity to. Quit providing her with those means. She has lost the right to these things. She is a married woman sleeping with another man. If she wants to do these things she can do it with her own money. You shouldn't pay for her to sleep with the OM. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!

you are getting waaaaaaaaaay ahead of what you know about this situation Jim.

Should I cut her off financially while she is still in the house. Take all the money and move it to a seperate checking account?

He should not be enabling her A, period. He shouldn't be paying for her to move out, call her lover on her cell phone, and gas to go visit her lover.

I agree you need to post your entire story from the beginning. I usually focus on the stick of plan A and get the BSs to stand up for themselves. You should read up on why affairs happen and figure out what ENs you weren't meeting. Read up on plan A.

I think it is way too early to do that. Have you read the links yet?

Playhut - I am going to tell you the same thing we have had to tell many betrayed husbands on this forum:

Stop Being Afraid Of Her Anger.

She's counting on being able to shout and threat and bully you into backing off so she can continue her affair without your interference. As long as you allow this to work, she will have not one drop of respect for you and she will have not one reason to stop seeing her boyfriend.

Again: Stop Being Afraid Of Her Anger. You will get nowhere with any of this as long as you are. You are going to have to Man Up and stop letting her scare you. Be prepared for this.
Mulan

Thanks....I got alot of work to do.

I'm out of here for a while. Listen to BigK, you need to read the entire website here, and look at several of the longer threads on this forum. Your situation is no different than most here. Read up, post your entire story as best you can, and get a plan. Your plan should include the advice I have given you. I tend to rush things because my time is limited, but you need to read up on plan A, read the For Newly Betrayed Spouses link, and some other stuff.

I just wanted to leave him with the impression that he need to stand up for himself. Don't be afraid of your WW. She is manipulating you into getting her cake (the affair) and eating it too (you supporting her). Don't let her have both.

OK Jim I understand that and I am not advocating going soft on a WS - I agree with manning up. But if people won't read some of the other information on the site then they don't stand much chance. The forums are great but there is some basic material that needs to be understood.

Playhut,

If you need some guidance about what to do or how to start a plan you can email me your phone number and I'll give you a call to walk you through this. You will be alright. Don't fear your WS.

I have been doing a good job with Plan A... Listening, Understanding, Not Demanding...I have made some small ultimatums which I feel like I get pressured into doing so she can build up her case as to why she is leaving…I have to stop that!

I implemented Plan B yesterday and needed some help on what to do with the kids and the time that she has left in the house before she moves out, which she says is around the 23rd. I am trying to be away as much as possible, but I see her in the morning and at night. Should I try not to talk to her at all unless she talks to me? It is hard not to make arrangements for the kids together and stuff like that.

I just wonder if I moved into plan B too soon or if I am doing it the right way. How do you know when to go back to Plan A and then into Plan B again?

Jim I sent you an e-mail and I would like a call when you get a chance.

I have to say that she was pissed about me cutting off her cell phone, home phone...which actually was my office phone, and moving the money to a separate checking account. However today it feels like she is empowered to make it on her own. I want her to miss me, so I've got to be gone!