My husband had an affair in the summer of 05. I wasnt the greatest wife (depression, moody etc) and I feel thats mostly what led to the affair. We have been following the advice of Dr.Harley, and things are GREATLY improved with the both of us.
My main problem now is insecurity. I understand about meeting his needs...which I TOTALLY do now, and him meeting mine. But what I dont get, it how can I get over the worry and insecurity?
It just feels to me, that he had the affair...yet Im the one to suffer in silence. He doesnt want to talk about the feelings of worry this has brought to me. He gets that I dont completly trust him...yet when I question certain behaviors he makes me feel that I am crazy, clingy, too needy etc.
Is this normal? How can we resolve this? Or is it just somehting I have to deal with since I chose to stay?
I must add...I've always been insecure...and he has changed a GREAT DEAL!! He is meeting my needs and being far more open with me...which is great. I just cant help but worry.
ADVICE PLEASE!!!

Sounds pretty normal to me. However, you might want to see an IC to get some help for your insecurity. It sounds a little like low-self esteem.

Healing takes a minimum of 2 years and many of us here think it takes longer than that, perhaps the rest of your marriage is "recovery".

Did he ever answer your questions about the affair, or was he one to sweep it under the rug and move forward? You might scroll through the posts and look for a post called Joseph's Letter, and see if you think showing it to your H would be a premise for getting some answers.

Part of what you are looking for will be found in a transparent and loving husband, and perhaps another year or so of successful employment of Harley's principals.

Best wishes,
SD

SGS,

Wow. I'm going through the exact same thing right now, FWH had the affair in summer of '05. I'm feeling insecure, etc. He's been fairly good at meeting my ENs, but the answering of my questions, not so good there. This weekend, I LB'd big time, but did break through to him. I think he finally "gets it" with regard to why I need to know. I showed him Joseph's letter (again - he doesn't remember it from the first time around, so it was "news" to him). Anyway, we are making a new new start, one more time, with gusto.

Here's what I told him I need from him. He tells me he loves me, but I have reached an impasse with him on this issue - I know he does, but my trust in that is weak, right? So now, I asked him to tell me he loves me, and then tell me one thing he loves ABOUT me as well at the same time. Doesn't have to be a big thing, just ONE thing. I need the ego strokes, the self-esteem build-up, and basically to hear him tell me aloud what it is that he loves about me. Maybe I need, deep down inside, to know what is good about me. I also had him write down three things he liked about me. I expected a three-word list, but he actually gave me three paragraphs, a BONUS!

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you need to find out what it is that you are needing from him, and ask him for it. In my case, I needed him to tell me more about how he felt about me. In your case, it might be that you want him to spend more time with you doing....or that you want him to help you....or that you want him to touch.....

Whatever it is, figure it out, and then tell him you want him to do that with/for you. And how often.

So far, things have gotten quieter, and feel better here.

Hope this helps.

SB

I was going through similar, but I forced the communications open with my FWS. We have been able to talk about general issues and how we are doing in meeting each others needs, etc and that has taken away alot of those feelings. They are still there from time to time, but definitly much better.

Hang in there, besides IC, if you can get your H to talk about it with you and he can help you feel more secure, by all means do so. I found that to help me with the rebuilding process. I'm slowly in recovery, but things are moving greatly.

I truely HATED that stage of recovery

high level of suckage

insecurity is very errosive to the marriage

YOU fix it by getting busy and doing things that make your quality of life great

it will fade after awhile

Pep

This was the answer for US..for ME...

Stay on track with the FOUR RULES..follow them as closely as possible...and I think you will feel more secure....

Here they are:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html