When married men look at porn on the web and when they go out of town and to strip clubs - does it mean they are wanting to have an affair? BTW - he didn't tell me until I uncovered it on the computer. He didn't want to upset me. How do you handle this type of situation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

MS:

Yes.

It could also mean that he looking for some more at home.

What do you think?

I don't think that is the case at all....he is never turned down and always has interest.

MS:

He is never turned down?

Do you ever initiate?

Also:

How long have you been married? Ages? Kids?

How well do you connect with your husband on other matters? Finances? Household chores? Companionship?

It can be a stepping stone to the "real thing". If he's ignoring to you for porn and strip clubs, especially if he's lying about what he's doing, he's well on his way.

And having sex frequently at home means nothing, unfortunately. Many men are just looking for extras and love nothing more than being married at home and single everywhere else.

Be careful. Most married men who start off with porn, strippers, workplace "friends", online "buddies", etc. are not trying to choose between a wife OR a girlfriend. They are trying to find a way to have both a wife AND a girlfriend.

Please don't ever forget this.
Mulan

Couple of questions. When he looks at the porn, does he also masturbate? When he goes to the strip bars, just exactly what does he do there and what does he do afterward (i.e. in hotel room or otherwise). I am not asking if he has sex with the strippers, just if he masturbates or maybe come home to you and have sex.

Here is why I ask. Some people are sex addicts and these are common ways of getting their fix. I am not saying that is the case here, just something to think about.

As to can it lead to an affair. Here was my progression. First, I found porn and used that and self-gratification. Next, I found chat rooms. Not too long after the chat rooms, I found chat rooms and webcams. When I entered into the realm of chat rooms, I went over the line. I didn't recognize what I was doing was adultery, but it was. I got hooked on porn and then needed further stimulation to get my kicks when the porn became old.

IMHO, yes, porn can and probably will lead to some form of adulterous act with another person. First, on-line and then in person.

I didn't get the the meeting someone part, in part because I didn't want to get an STD and pass it on to my wife. I also fooled myself and thought I was being faithful as long as I didn't meet someone in person. Yeah, right. What do they say about us addicts - insanity?

I pray the Lord will help your husband get out of this stuff before he is hopelessly hooked like I was.

I initiate some but normally don't have too. This is both our 2nd marriage for 3 months. We had dated for 3 years, no children. He travels some 2-3 nights per week for work and when he is at home he is constantly around me talking, making passes, etc. He gets alot of attention at home and we go out to movies, dinner, vacations. We never argue until this came up. He suggested counseling - what do you think? I have thought about getting software to see what he is doing on the computer when he is at home. I don't want to be fooled.

I have no idea about the masterbation. What happened was I came into our home office that he works out of 2-3 days a week and then he travels the other 2-3 days. He was playing around with my ipod and I happened to sit at the computer and opened a website he was looking at. It was a large girl with her butt showing...... I said what is this and he said close it down. He got embarrassed and told me he had been looking at porn and that all men do it. The next day after a night of thinking about it - I saw where he had searched for strip clubs in 2 cities. I immediately confronted him and he admitted he had been to 2 and that his boss liked going there. He didn't want to tell me because he knew it would upset me. So I do not know what he does at these strip clubs - he acts like it is a bunch of guys gawking, drinking beer. I have no clue for sure. Thanks for your advice.

MSS:

Yes, It can be a bunch of guys gawking and drinking beer at the strip club. It's a juvenile thing to do.

But it breeds an enviornment that anything goes.

And that can lead to a loosing of the old belt.

Anything that a spouse wants to hide from the other spouse "because they might get upset" is reason to explore what is really going on.

I know that now, didn't then.

Do you think that installing software that reports the websites and email will be enough to see what he is doing? He travels every week and it would be hard to hire a private investigator to know for sure what he does out of town. Any suggestions?

I also forgot to mention that his history on the websites showed he had looked up strip poker and strip clips as well. With him working from home and then traveling out of town I am not sure how to keep up with his activity the majority of the time - any more sugguestions?

To address your original question..imo the answer is yes and after some consideration..this is HOW I think it leads there.

Compartmentalization and the blurring of boundaries.

Now I'd probably look at/judge the porn and strip clubs individually ...but on the whole I think you are looking at escalation.

I think you should take an interest in his work environment...if a social club that involves high risk behavior [like strip clubs] exists..it's a fair bet that infidelity is tolerated or even encouraged at his workplace.

If I had it to do all over again...I wouldn't wait for a known adultery to have happened...I'd draw my line in the sand NOW.

As a possibly not BS yet...I mean to say a person who has not been ravaged by a known A and the recovery process...well I don't know if you would be willing or prepared to do this.

I would like to hope that I would have been..unfortunately there is usually sufficient denial to keep you hoping it'll all just go away until a certain line has been crossed.

He works from home and then travels the other 2 -3.

monitor his finances.. see what he spends then see what he expenses back to the company. Most likely if he is dropping money at a strip club he isn't claiming it, also look for large ATM withdrawl while out of town.

Since I have my own demon's in this area I would tend to beleive he is a sex addict and not an affair partner (yet). One of the biggest problems is that porn/stripper have the tendancy to devalue a women's worth in a man's eyes. Or to say that men tend to place more value on appearnace and sex appeal and less on things like romance, appreciation and the other EN's

For you I would set the boundary - open and honest and not stripper/porn. Then you have to see if he can respect that . Remember you need to set the boundaries in a loving way

Does he take a laptop with him?

Sounds like he doing his research at home before he goes out.

he has a company laptop that he can't use for doing research on....... He is into security field as well. I will start checking the finances more closely - good idea. It is hard to have him investigated when he is all over the U.S. and not in the same place each week.

Yes get the spyware for your puter!!! and start doing searches about sex addictions, to see what you and him need to do to get this thing nipped in the bud! make sure you dont tip your H off to your spyware though!!! there will be a stink! NIP IT as Barney Fife would say.

The guys that I knew who spent a lot of time at strip clubs where not faithful. They spent a lot of time flirting with and chasing waitresses in restaurants and bars.

Of course if the boss likes to spend time at strip clubs and you'd like to do well in the company, he may pressure you into joining him.

My husband is not a sex addict and didn't get into chat rooms, but his use of internet porn escalated during the run-up to getting down with the MOW.

He says it was all the part of the fantasy (his affair was based on "sex on the side") and believes it helped open the door to his Wayward Thinking. He quit porn after D-Day voluntarily.

yes..looking at porn could result in a affair..
me and my husband have been married for 4 years.
he looked at porn and then cheated.
But there are some men who are addicted just to porn....strip clubs are "real live women" not the occasional porn online or in a magazine.
I would keep a close eye on him.

thanks for all the information and advice. I do plan on keeping an eye on him now. If you can think of other ways to watch him or be made aware, please advise. I told him last night when he was out of town that I couldn't live with not being able to trust him and he agreed. He said he wouldn't do it anymore but I still don't feel that confident about it so I plan on getting the spyware. We have only been married a few months so I don't want to live the rest of my life like this - just cut the losses now.