Hi all,

I'm finding it really really hard to get past the feelings of betrayal, anger and resentment and to move on. WS has stopped 'seeing' the OW, though they still see each other at work, but the PA and most of the EA at least is over. She is working on leaving her job, says she will not just resign outright without securing another job, and I accept that because she has been applying and going for interviews, so I know at least she is sincere about distancing herself from the OW. We are starting MC this week or the next.

But my emotions are still a rollercoaster, (almost) happy one day and angry and bitter the next. Sometimes, despite trying to control it all, I have moments of anger and I become really sarcastic and say hurtful things. Sometimes I just want to hurt them both for what they've done. Yes, I know, enough of the victim mentality, but I sometimes just can't get over it.

Can anyone help me with any advise or suggestions as to how you managed to overcome this? I know that on my part, this is probably the single biggest obstacle preventing us from any further progress, even after NC. The wife think's I'm cracking up with my up/down moods, lol. Even SHE tells me that she's trying and my anger and sarcasm isn't helping things any!

I guess I will speak to the counsellor about it when we meet. Just wanted to get some feedback from your guys on this.

Cheers! <-- mood ok now after reading Ark's "Be still" post

I don't think you are going to be able to overcome your resentment and anger as long as they still have contact. The fact that she says she will not just resign without securing another job speaks volumes. It is still all about her, with little consideration for your feelings.

Hi Devastated,



For me, I had to work THROUGH my anger. I'm glad to see that you are seeing a counselor. Are you and your W going to MC together?

Semper Fi,
RIF

I think when you can 100%of all of it over, that will help a lot on this road. Without that, I can't imagine you getting any farther.

I'm with Believer on this one. You HAVE to have that to even begin any process.

I wish that I knew. When you find out PLEASE let me know!

the most helpful thing for me was taking a hard, honest, truthful look at my part in allowing our marraige to get to the point where i was meeting so few of my H needs

the more that i understood HOW he felt, the better i could understand WHY it happened

his A wasn't right, his not being open and honest with me about how he felt before it got to this point...that wasn't right

but i was wrong too

as i accepted that i was also wrong and hoped to be forgiven, i was better able to forgive my h


with understanding has come forgiveness

i am angry that this happened to US

but i am letting go of the anger that this happened to ME

Hi believer and intexas,

Yes I think at this point we both know that it has to end completely for us to be able to move on at all. I have given her a deadline to resign from the company, by mid-Feb since that is when there will be an overseas company trip and they will both be required to attend. She has said that the OW is also on the verge of changing jobs, so we shall see how that pans out. But come Feb, things should be over, one way or another.

Hi RIF,

Yes, she has agreed, in fact she was the one who suggested we see a counsellor to "try and see if we can work out our differences to determine if we wanna carry on". The earliest date I managed to get for the counselling is in early Feb 06, which co-incides almost with my deadline, so we shall see how that works out in the end.

I am also contemplating seeing my parish priest to talk about the anger issues.

Hi eav1967,

SOrry, missed your reply. Must have come in as I was typing my reply earlier.

Anyway, yes Harley also that both shoudl apologize to the other in order to start off in overcoming resentment. I guess and pray that I can do that when the time is right.

Right now, its still not. Her reasons for ending the A have been:

1. Its not right, cause she's married (never mentioned that because its another woman)
2. She wants to work on the marriage
3. She doesn't want to regret later on
4. She knows that the A is something that will not last

Never mentioned that it was because she has hurt me (only once when she said she's hurt me and the OW also). Never because its a LESBIAN relationship. Never because she knows that she's done something so wrong to me and our M. And she has never once apologized to me. Its just soemthing that she wants to "put behind us and try to move on"

Yes, she's still in the fog. And yes, I'm waiting for NC and for her to get past the withdrawal until she can come to her full senses and see what she's done wrong. The healing hasn't begun, but already I'm starting to realize what a long long journey lies ahead of us.

But thanks for your post. I will try and keep in mind when we reach that stage.

You know, today I logged onto her amazon account to see more details of the CHristmas gift she bought for the OW back on the 11th Dec, about a week plus after D-Day.

All the while her reasons for the gift was that she "just wanted her to have the CD" and it was not for other reasons, and she has said (under pressure, I'll admit) that it was the wrong move but never apologized or anything for it. Today I noticed that she left a note with the gift, saying "Dearie, Merry Christmas. Missed you."

I know that was a month ago, and since then she's said she wants to work on the marriage and all, but even back then she didn't tell me about this note, and she had promised to break it off already.

Should I confront her with this tonight, or let it slide? I can't help feeling that maybe they're still seeing each other outside of official business, but in the past 1 month I've not been able to substantiate anything, which means either they are very very very careful, or it really is over and she is just waiting to leave the job, just like she told me. Should I just attribute the Xmas gift and accompanying note as a moment of weakness on her part, as it was only a week plus after D-day at the time?

Pls help, I do't know what to think.

Hi Dev,

I'm not a BS, I'm a FWW, which is why I didn't reply to your thread originally.



I doubt she will feel sorry for your pain until she's out of the fog. Which means she must maintain NC and get through W/drawals. And even then, she can only IMAGINE how much hurt she's caused you, she won't be able to experience what you are.

Dev,

I don't think you should snoop or go back and look at stuff until your W has taken another job. Snooping does no good, b/c you won't expose. So, all it will bring you is suffering and heartache.

Right now you are what Mimi calls, "the walking wounded". It sucks.

Try to do stuff that makes you feel good. Eat right, sleep well, go to the gym, hang out w/ friends, try to have some fun w/ your W.

((((DEV))))

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh,

Yes, when I spoke to her last night, it never fails to amaze me how different a person she could be from the person I thought I knew and married. Two days ago, she agreed with my deadline to resign, but last night she was trying to get me to exend it, saying things such as she feels cornered and that she would break if pushed too far. I just replied and said that whatever it was, the deadline stays.

For the first time last night also, she verbalized that she actually loved the OW, from her previous statements saying she didn't. It didn't really have an effect on me, as I already knew it all along, but hearing her say it, well, its remarkable just how much of a pattern most if not all WS's fall into.

I told her that if she still insisted on talking to the WS at work (about non-work matters) she was only making it harder and harder on herself when the time comes for either of them to leave the other and to have NC. I told her she was addicted to contact with the OW, and she didn't deny that. As the deadline approaches, she is starting to feel the noose tighten, so I think we will have some tough times in the weeks leading to Feb.


Marsh, don't get me wrong. I WILL expose if I find evidence they are still seeing each other, or if the PA has started up again. Hence the snooping.

Right now I don't see the point of exposure when everything is (still) leading towards separation of them both. They still see each other at work, so some degree of an EA is unavoidable, but at least there is only so long they can carry that on for.

I'm still LB-ing by trying to talk to her about the M and R and hoping she will miraculously 'wake up'. I know its futile when she's still in the fog and hasn't got NC, but I do it anyway. This morning I was asking her if she ever thought she was a lesbian, and she said, no, cause I don't love women in general, just the OW, and I said, so, if I kill this particular person and not everyone else, I can't be called a murderer? She then said that it seemed I was pushing her to end the marriage, cause if she said she was a lesbian then what? How can the marriage go on? Man, talk about shooting myself in the foot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm such an idiot sometimes.

Do you think I should still call up and make her account for her whereabouts? I'm afraid if I don't she will revert back to the PA with the OW again. This alien I have sleeping with me is totally capable of doing so, IMHO.

Today she was mostly quiet, a bit hostile, oh well. GUess the roller-coaster is on the way down today. She has had to book her flights to the company trip in March after pressure from her boss, and so has the OW.

My ultimatum still holds, she or the OW needs to resign by then (mid February) and they may NOT go on the trip together. I by early Feb I don't see any positive steps in this direction, I have told her that I will expose to their management. So far, neither have resigned and they continue to see each other at work, though she insists its "almost always" on work-related matters. Heck, their cubicles are even next to each other!

Last night she even suggested that me or her best friend accompany them for the trip, if all else fails. I said no, I don't completly trust that her friend would NOT lie about her meeting up with the OW during this trip to protect her. As for me going, well, if she wants that, then she would have to bear the expenses of my flight tix. Not that I can't afford it, but I want to show her that there is a price to pay for the mess she has created.

However, should I be adamant about them both resigning or maybe give allowances that they may not be able to resign before Feb? I know that I should insist on the resignation, as any other steps I mentioned above about the trip would only prolong the A and the pain. Pls advise.

You are not in recovery

you should be in plan A with a plan to move towards plan b

you should be meeting needs and showing signs of hope to keep the lines of communication open

you should be preparing legally for FULL custody if children are involved....

ou should speak your pain of continued contact...lay the pain at her feet speak it clearly without histrionics and walk away...

EXPECT no positive responses from her......
till her ACTIONS line up with sign of reperation....

time to plan for Plan B..

how long are you willing to be in a marital triangle..
what is there left to say...after having said it all....

cake-eater that she is...

ARK

Hi Ark,

Thank you for the quick reply. I have been trying, with limited success to do a plan A. Just can't seem to forget that its stupid to try and TALK my WS into any feelings of remorse or anything. I have reinitiated plan A today, quiet dinner, didn't talk about A and M, but she's been dropping hints that she's not happy about having to leave her job, trying to lay a guilt trip on me in a way. But I don't respond, just smile and walk away -she knows I'm serious about my deadline early next month.

We have no children, the only time I'm actually thankful of that fact. Always wanted them, but she didn't, in all the 2 years we've been married.

I have already transferred my share of the $ to my own account, what little we have. And she has no problem with this at all.

I guess now I'm just going to plan A until February when I'll see if she is really willing to leave the job (and OW) behind. Her company has a 2 MONTH notice period, so it won't be a quick departure, even were she to resign tomorrow. If she or the OW doesn't resign, then either plan B or a D will follow. I hope it won't come to that, but I think I'm prepared for it if it does.

And yes, she's been cake eating. But she knows she can't, or rather, I will not allow it to go on for much longer. I would not be the least surprised if they have been talking time away during work and seeing each other, though she says she hasn't and wants to work on the M and I have not been able to find any evidence of it.

Dev,

I think you need to expose and end this A.

Don't wait.

The A is still on going.

They still see each other every day.

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh,

At some point, I know I need to do it. However, the WS and I have an understanding that the deadline will be in 3-4 weeks time, early Feb. If I told her the day before yesterday that I would give her at least until then to resign, and/or to secure another job, and then expose her tomorrow probably resulting in them BOTH losing their jobs, then I would probably do more damage than good, wouldn't I? If they both lose their jobs, they would have ALL DAY to get together while I'm at work, at least now her 'fix' is limited to office hours, and I closely watch her after office movements, calling her at the office to make sure she's at the desk when she says she is, and checking that she comes home earlier when she says she will.

The Feb deadline is definite, no more shifting of the goal-posts this time around.

I have another question:

In the fog, WS's are not the same people we married and loved before -total strangers.

But how do they appear to others not directly affected by the affair (or not yet told)? People such as friends, their family, siblings etc?

I ask because apart from some concerned probing from her sister and mother (after WS told them we were "arguing") nobody seems to detect any major changes in her.

My friends have seen the change in ME. More subdued, and a friend even said I was "less cocky than usual" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So do they only turn on "stranger mode" to us? Or is everyone else blind?

While I was in my A, I behaved stupidly to everyone. Although it was easier to hide it from those I didn't have to see much.

People asked me what was wrong. My standard answer was I was depressed. Which was true.

~ Marsh

Thanks Marsh. In my case, I don't think anyone has commented that she has changed. We had a very close friend of hers come by 2 weeks ago after Christmas for a few days, and everything was like normal. Maybe she's trying to project an "everything's ok" kind of image cause she's afraid of telling her friends about what she has done. Don't think it helps that most of her close friends are church friends from before we moved to the city.

Think I did an OK plan A last night. I was supportive, we talked some, and never mentioned the A, R or M. I showed her concern and curbed sarcastic coments about OW and on the R. I stayed back for a couple of games of ping pong with some colleagues -the first time since D-day. Guess I was afraid of going out and doing my own stuff cause I was afraid she would just have 'plans' with the OW again. I'm starting to realize more and more that I cannot control what she does. If she's going to do it, she'll do it and me neglecting myself and depriving myself of things I wanna do out of fear of what she *may* do will not help me or our M in the long run. Tonight I'm having dinner with an old friend and told her that she's welcome to come join us.

She gave me a kiss this morning and one last night, and we cuddled up early this morning. Its good to feel like I have her back again, though our relationship is strained.