Good for you, Dev.

You need to take care of yourself and that includes having some fun.



Glad to hear it.

~ Marsh

We sort of got off track again with the plan A tonight -this time she initiated it not me! She said again that right now she feels that we won't be able to move on even after this all blows through. She went for an interview today that the OW turned down the other day, and is rather positive about working there. Only problem is that she *may* occassionally run into the OW, the industry is rather narrow and the players are all limited. TOTAL NC may not be possible in this case. Only good thing is that this new company is right under my nose, meaning in the same complex as I'm in, so its a great deterrent for them NOT to meet up.

There are possibilities in another industry, but think for the sake of her career and my impending deadline, she will most likely take this option.

What do I do?

you don't react to WE statements...you answer back with I statements with little interest in her plans...

you state yours clearly...

my dear wife..please do not think for one moment you know the amount of love and forgiveness that I am capable of...

I am strong in my convictions that I want to create with you a marriage of strength....and love and respect...

that I have every plan to do in my power what I can to be the husband you desire and deserve...

I know who I am
I know what type of MAN I am....

I look forward to getting through with great hope in my heart....

don't concern yourself with what her plans are...you stick with yours...and where ever this ends up you will know in your heart you did what you could

plan a must be wrought with hope..shown to the WS who is overwhelmed with their own carnage...and can only face the mere shadows and minute pieces of it at one time

ARK

Thanks ark, I will try to remember this, but its hard when every conversation we have is loaded with emotions. Mostly anger from my part, and infdifference(?) on her part?

Update: Nothing much has changed except that we are on more 'civil' terms the last 2 days. Tonight I asked her "If you were to die tonight, could you face God and say that you have been totally honest about the A to me?". I said it in a calm, conversational way, no accusation, just want to know. That started a 30 minute talk in which we she told me that she had called the OW twice during the long weekends over Christmas and the new year cause she "missed her and just wanted to hear her voice" when she had denied contacting her before. She has at least realized that she is addicted to contact with the OW and that she cannot make any clear decisions while there is still NC. She has also lied about not knowing the OW's phone number after she deleted it from her phone (surprise, surprise!).

I told her that if she was serious about wanting to work on the M, that she MUST start limiting contact with the OW NOW and not to wait until after she leaves her job, as it will get harder and harder. I suggested a week off, just the two of us immediately after she leaves her work (we can't take 3 weeks off unfortunately) to get away, no mobile phone for her. Dr.Harley has said that the worst of the withdrawal is usually over by 3 weeks. I told the WS that if she goes back on the NC, then her leaving her job etc will all have been for nothing.

She will need to write a NC letter/email to the OW, or would it be better if the 3 of us met up and conveyed it in person? Maybe if I rough the OW up it will further emphasize my seriousness <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

At this point I'm wondering what else is or has she lied to me about... sheesh.

But thanks guys - being on MB and reading so many posts on the way WS's LIE THROUGH THEIR TEETH has prepared me for this. I'm not *that* upset, more amazed and a bit disappointed that there is more lies and deceptions on top of what has already happened.

This morning she said "I'm feeling very pressured right now. I really believe I can overcome if left alone and at my own pace"

She was referring to my ultimatum for her to resign. She already has a job waiting for her, needs to give them the answer by next Monday (22nd), then resign before mid Feb. I said no, the deadline stays.

She says if I keep pushing her, she's going to think "Whats the point of all this" and that's what makes her talk to the OW cause she needs someone to talk to when things are not going well at home. I told her that if she wanted to talk to the OW, it was her decision, I can't stop them from talking. But she was only digging herself deeper into the mess.

At one point she asked me what would make me happy and I said "Well, I guess if the OW got into a car accident and was killed, then yeah, I wouldn't be sad". She replied, "either her or me, right" and I said, "Well, I'd be slightly less happy if it were you". OUCH, major LB, I know.

SHe just stormed out of the house to the gym. Sigh.. I'm an idiot.

I have typed out a letter addressed to the OW's parents, and will mail it out tomorrow. I would like some opinions on the letter, and if I should proceed to expose it to her parents for them to put pressure on her to end it. When your house is upside down, you don't have time to meddle with someone else's right?

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr & Mrs X,

My name is XXX, and I'm the husband of WS, who is OW's colleague at Company A.

You may be wondering at the purpose of this letter, so let me get to the point. OW is a lesbian, and had seduced and had an affair with my WIFE.

To cut a long story short, the both of them had become very close towards September-October 2006. They had been sending each other SMSes many times in the day, and even when we were on holiday in Australia in late October, the SMSes didn't stop. When we came home I suspected something was amiss, and checked my wife's mobile phone, and what I saw was greatly disturbing, as there were some messages that hinted at greater intimacy than what was normal even for 2 "close friends". They continued to spend time together, both during office hours and after hours, and my wife would frequently come home very late at night.

When I finally confronted my wife with the SMSes she admitted (after many, many lies) that she and OW had been intimate. According to her, the physical affair started on the night of the Company Dinner and Dance on November 17th, where after many drinks OW kissed my wife while in the car after sending another colleague home. They then continued kissing and making out thereafter, and my wife only came home past 4am that night.

This physical relationship continued for another 2 weeks until I found out on the 2nd December 2006, when I confronted my wife. She revealed that they have been holding hands, kissing, having romantic dinners which OW initiated and another 'make out' session in the car park of their office after a drinking session with other colleagues on the 29th November 2006 (a Wednesday night which my wife again came home late). They even kissed when OW was on sick leave and my wife bought her lunch one day at your home.

To my knowledge, after the revelation, the affair has stopped, physically at least. But the emotional ties are still there between the two of them: they still see each other at work, and they still talk. At my insistence, my wife will be resigning from a job she loves very much, and we shall have to begin the very slow and painful process of rebuilding our ruined marriage and of regaining the lost trust between us, if we are not to end up in a divorce. We shall have to wade through a river of lies before I can ascertain the complete truth to all of this.

Even now after the discovery of the affair, it is hard for both of them to sever ties completely, and it shall be even harder during the initial period after either of them leaves the job. I do not hold you, her parents, responsible for what she has done, but I am asking you to instead to help put pressure on her to end this relationship. If either of them contacts the other during the so-called 'withdrawal period', it will be that much harder to end the relationship, and I shall have to take further steps which may involve a more wide-spread exposure of the affair to everyone around them.

I have seen and even known a few lesbians like OW, those who are expert at 'preying' on single, heterosexual women. Only this time, she has gone too far and gotten involved with a married woman. I will not allow my marriage to be ended by this lesbian relationship and will do all it takes to prevent it. I suspect the same thing happened with her and Y when she was working at Company B previously causing OW then moved on to Company A now.

I am writing not because I'm afraid of speaking to you face to face, but so that you can digest what I've told you without having to face a very angry stranger as I am finding it very difficult to control my anger these days. I am always available if you need to clarify issues. My email and mobile number are listed at the bottom of this letter.

Attached is a picture taken on the night it all began, of your daughter and my wife, just to prove that this is not a hoax.

XXX

------------------------------------------------------------

Some opinions would be great. Thanks!

It is a good exposure letter.

Just to let you know....your W is sitting on the fence eating cake and sounds like she has no intention of getting off that fence.

At this stage, there is no recovery. For each step forward, the WS pulls you back 3. The effort is to wear you down and the A is waiting in the wings.

Why do both have to leave the company? Why not just one?

Something doesn't smell right.

What you can do is project an image that will replay in the WS' mind when she sees or thinks of the OW.

When my H was a WS, I told him he 'smelled',then I demanded he tell me where did he get that stench from?!?! OW had 2 dogs but the real b....ch was the OW. The smell? Hm.... I told the WS he stank and he believed me. The stench of the A was sickening to me but it didn't materialize into a physical smell but for me it was nauseating. So I told the WS he stank. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Then I asked if he had been with the OW and every time I suspected it, I brought up that smell.... LOL!!! The WS got paranoid....because he couldn't smell anything...... yet I would sniff the air questioning that stench.

It kept him wondering. Also made their time together a bit awkward. Imagine:

OW: Ohhh.... WS, I am glad you came over to see me.

WS: Yea.... do you smell anything stink on me?

OW: Oh no, you smell good.

WS: My wife says I stink....and she seems to notice it after I have been with you but she doesn't know I have been with you.

OW: WHAT?!?!?! (sniff, sniff).... I don't smell anything.

WS: Well....maybe it's because you are used to the smell. Don't you smell it?

OW: No.... now look, you have ruined the mood.

WS: Yea, I guess so. Well I 'd better leave before I smell bad again.

OW: Oh.... I'm insulted....good bye.... mmmmph.

WS: Yea.... good bye....

See how romatic that liason may have been?


That techinque I call, LB from afar. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid... I had to stifle my laugh when I read about you and the 'smell' lest the OW wonders what's happening and come take a look.

I totally agree that she is fence-sitting and cake eating at the same time. She didn't think I was serious about the deadline, but she knows that I am now. She's in a foul mood now cause I told her that even if the OW leaves before the Feb deadline (which doesn't seem likely), I'll want her to leave also. I explained that if she "had it easy" and not have to give up anything, she wouldn't have enough of a motivation to end the A, and they could always continue where they left off later on. Truth be told, I also gained some small satisfaction for making her pay a price (even if a little) for what she has put me through. Is my train of thought regarding them BOTH leaving the company sound (I mean the 'pay a price' part, not the satisfaction part!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I also think because I'm smiling the whole day, or smirking so she says, that she's even more pissed off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I shall print out and mail the letter off either tomorrow or the day after. Lets hope the OW isn't smart enough to intercept all the mails that come to the house (unlikely cause she's at work during the day, but she may have gotten the maid to hold the letters for her before passing it around).

Thx <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />Good luck trying to recover from that statement!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Yup, looks like its headed for a divorce now.

Made her show me her work email, and they've still been trying to contact each other by phone. Latest was when WS called OW on Thursday night and didn't get answer and OW emailed back to say she was in the shower etc. At that, I got real mad, and TOLD her tomorrow I'm going with her to the office, and will tell her boss EVERYTHING. She panicked and tried to get me to change my mind, but I'm firm on doing this. She later revealed that as recent as Thursday they had gone off during office hours to a park, where they held hands, walked around and talked. She thought her honesty would make me see how 'sincere' she is, but I just see it as desperation to get me NOT to expose tomorrow. But I'm going to do it, and its about time!

I just took all the subbed credit cards and cut them all up. Not that she can't get her own, and she has been applying for new ones lately anyway. I don't see much hope for a reconcillation at this point, do you?

I told her (and I mean it) that right now, she's about the same level as dog crap to me. I miss the woman I married, but I despise the person she's become.

I'm going to sleep now... hope she doesn't try to kill me while I'm sleeping tonight! lol!

Dev,

You are full of resentment b/c you didn't expose when you first found out.

I REALLY hope you do it tomorrow.

You should never have told her you would.

Exposure is supposed to be done as a surprise!

Anyway you can act as if you changed your mind again?

You don't want her beating you to the punch and telling her boss that you're nuts and not to believe you.

I suggest you prepare to expose to EVERYONE tomorrow.

Her boss, her family, OW's family...everyone.

~ Marsh

Well, we went to her office this morning. We both met up with her manager and I told her about the A. The look on her face was like she's been hit by a truck, am sure it was a surreal moment for her. WS didn't deny anything.

The manager didn't look surprised when I said the OW was a lesbian, in fact, she even indicated that the OW was starting to get involved with someone else in the office! She said this accounts for both of them disappearing all the time (WS and OW). But she said that starting from today, she's giving the WS a week off to work on the M, as she feels that the M is more important that the job.

She says she values my wife as the top talent in the company, and is very reluctant to lose her, but she will discuss with the general manager and let us know the outcome by next week. The OW was around when we first walked in, but she didn't see us as she was on the phone. She had seen us and left the office by the time we came out. Coward!

I'm going to ask my boss for the week off as well. We'll go back to my folk's place tomorrow or something and see where it goes from there. So we'll either call her parents tonight, or tell them face to face tomorrow. Should I tell her close friends as wel? Do they need to know?

Why did your WW go w/ you when you exposed?

Did you ask her boss to fire OW?

Did you explain that one of them must lose their job or else NC can't be established?

What did your WW think about OW making moves on someone else?

You should expose to everyone who can and will put pressure on your WW to end her A.

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh,

I wanted her to go along, so that she would not have the time to talk to the OW and scheme and come up with more lies etc. When she was there and the manager asked her if it was true, she didn't deny it, so at least the manager knows I wasn't making up some story for her.

I made it clear that one or the other had to leave the company, if not both. She understands that. The manager doesn't really like the OW, cause she probably realizes that she's a smooth talker, and she said so as well (that the OW is good at getting people to listen to her). Most likely if it was up to her, I think the OW would be fired, but now it will have to go up to the general manager and we'll see what she decided.

She didn't really say anything, just shrugged her shoulders and smiled. Don't think she cares all that much, or she's so deep in the fog that she still thinks they're special.

I'm printing out the letter to OW's parents now and will mail it shortly. Thanks Marsh.

We're planning to take the week off. I currently have her mobile phone, and i told her she would know how desperate she was to talk to the OW if she went to use a pay phone (she's at home).

Do you feel better now that you're doing something, rather than hoping it will end?

Go full steam ahead w/ the exposure, but be tender w/ your wife, k?

Remember Plan A has a CARROT and a stick part.

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh,

Yes, I do feel better about it. Like I have a sense of purpose instead of just reacting to the situation. I took her phone from her just now while I was out, and now she's talking to her friend (who was an OW herself, so not exactly a good influence). I have been gentle and tender with her so far.

Tonight we'll give her parents a call, and I will speak to her mum first then pass the phone over to her. But she's insisting that SHE be the one to tell her mum. Should I let her, with me listening? Or insist that I be the one to do it?

Also her close friends back home. Should I tell one of them first? One guy she views as her 'big brother', should I tell him? Or limit this to her parents, my parents and her management?

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't think she should know you are going to expose. I think you should just do it on your own.

You expose to whoever you think will put pressure on her to end the A. You have to be careful w/ friends.

Use your best judgment.

~ Marsh

OK, will think about it when I call tonight.

One things though... I feel like I have to constantly babysit her, to make sure she doesn't email, SMS or call the OW, but I can only do that for so long. How do I know that even despite this she won't resume contact, breaking the NC? Do I continue watching her like a hawk??

Also, we have the week off. Should I give her time off by herself, or stick with her like a second shadow all the time? I realize I can't do this forever, its draining on me and it won't improve her mood with me. But just how much do I have to 'help' her through the withdrawal?

After an entire day of NC, as far as I can tell, the WS is still mad at me for exposing to her manager. I haven't exposed to her parents yet, as I'm waiting until we head home on Wednesday and tell them face to face. Will call up another of her friends and expose to him also.

Something she said got me thinking. Suppose management doesn't fire either one, but chose instead to give them a slap on the wrist, or even if they ask the OW to leave the company, she will still have to serve her notice period of 2 months. Meaning next week when the WS returns to work they'll break NC again by default (assuming the WS can last through the week!). I said that if that were the case, then I'll tell everyone at the office about it. Boy was she mad. She said that she will not allow herself to be bullied and be treated this way. If I'm going to expose to everyone anyway, whats the point of sticking around anymore?

I know this is WS-speak again, but tell me again why she's wrong? Sometimes its hard to fight this uphill battle for her only to have it all thrown back into my face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />