You expose to EVERYONE who will put pressure on the two of them to end the A.

If others behave 'cooly' towards her, it will take the "sparkle" off the A. The A will become LESS attractive. That's the point of EXPOSURE.

You bring to light that which was hidden in order that she can see the sleaziness of her actions.

You are trying to safe your M by killing the A. Exposure is the weapon you use to kill it.

WHY, OH WHY, DEV, DO YOU CONTINUE TO TELL HER WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh..

Sheesh.. I guess I've never kept secrets from my wife before -I tell her EVERYTHING! I will have to learn to keep my mouth shut and remember SHE IS AN ALIEN! SHE IS AN ALIEN! SHE IS.....

She's still deciding if we wanna go back to our folk's place tomorrow. I'm in favour of it, but she's not too keen, preferring to tell her parents over the phone. We may just go on a holiday nearby. I probably don't think the company will fire either of them immediately, I don't know. After taking the week off and trying to deal with this, it will all go back to square one if she goes back to work on Monday and sees the OW again. That's if she doesn't contact her in secret before the week is out.

I'm pretty tired. Been going out with her, taking her mobile phone from her when we're apart, even her company notebook which she used to email the OW with. Just like you would treat a drug addict in rehab. Its easier if the addict WANTS the rehab, which in this case she doesn't, so its been tough.

WS has gone to the gym. She said she'd leave the phone at home initially, and I said I'm tired of shadowing her, if she's going call the OW, she'll do it eventually and I'm not God who can watch her 24/7.

So she took the phone and went off with her best friend and will only be home later. I don't know if she'll be able to resist the temptation and call the OW, maybe to "see how she's doing" or whatever else she may come up with to reason with herself.

Anyway, I'm taking a short nap, and then I'm going to call the MIL to spill the beans on her angelic daughter. Don't know if she'll believe me, but she herself went through infidelity with WS's father years ago, so she may understand where I'm coming from. If all goes well, a call from her mum may be very good reason for her NOT to resume the A (well, and a good reason to hate me even more!) lol

WISH ME LUCK GUYS!

Well, MIL took the news pretty well. When I first mentioned it was another WOMAN, she went "I can't believe this". I told her most of it in 15 minutes, emphasizing that I still loved my wife very much and want to work on the marriage.

She said that she will not call WS tonight, I said it was a wise choice. Let her digest over it. She wants us to come back home until the end of the week, as she wants to talk to the WS face to face. I said I would try and convince the WS to go back for the weekend.

Phew, that was a hard phone call to make. But once you've made it, its a weight off my shoulders. If we go home tomorrow, I'll be telling my mum and sisters also. Well, maybe just my mum.

I wonder if the OW's parents have read my letter and are giving her a hard time (I hope), or if she's been smart and intercepted my mail? :P Anyway, its the least of my worries now.

I mailed her boss and her fate will be known by the end of the week or mid-week next week at the latest. She has suggested that WS extend on her leave if I was uncomfortable with her going back to work while the OW was still there.

Now that exposure is in full swing, what should be my next moves guys?? Help!

I've been keeping up with this... GOOD LUCK!!!

Thanks MicheleG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

When the WS comes home tonight, I will tell her I've exposed to her mum, and not to call her tonight. I will tell her that her mum wants to see her, and we should go home tomorrow. We NEED family support now, more than ever.

Her reasons for not going back when I asked her earlier (before she went to the gym) was "What's the point? I thought the point of the week off was to spend more time together?".

I replied that, "No, we're on leave because your manager TOLD you to take the week off. As for the spending time together part, you have been doing your thing, gym, spa, while I've been your second shadow. What's the point of 'spending time together' if you're going back to work next week and will see the OW again and get everything back to square one again?"

What I didn't say was that after hearing me harp on this for the past month, my words were probably like the sound of insects in her ear, irritating. She needs to hear it from someone who means the world to her -her parents. Maybe that will make more of a difference at boosting her resolve to maintain NC.

MIL called me back about an hour after I called her... took a while to sink in, but she's rather upset now. Felt like crap, even though I know it isn't my fault.

WS just called me, demanding to know if I called her mum. She had called up and detected something wrong, and her mum said I had called. Boy, was she MAD! Said I should have done her the courtesy of at least telling her, or calling in front of her. I said her mum insisted that I not tell her until she came home, afraid she would be too mad and couldn't drive properly. I told her I was waiting until she came home to tell her about it. I told her that anyway, I'd already told her I was going to call her parents and tell them before this. She said "whatever, I don't feel like talking to you now" and cut off call.

She will be like a volcano tonight. I wouldn't be surprised if she packed up and moved out -to where I don't know. Sheesh.. I guess this was the expected reaction to exposure where it REALLY mattered. Where it REALLY hurt. WHen I exposed to her manager she was resigned to it, but now she's really MAD.

I am on the right track, ya? What's next... help guys!

Yes, Dev, you did the right thing!

The madder she is the greater effect the exposure will have.

Remember EXPOSURE is your weapon to kill the A. That's what you are trying to do...kill the A, not harm your W.

You did great, Dev!!

Keep us updated on what happens next.

~ Marsh

Great job, Dev! You are getting excellent support from Marshmallow! Just hang tight and expect a tsunami of fury because you interfered with her affair. Don't let it upset you, just hang on tight until it dies down.

Make sure you get it exposed to everyone right now before she gets herself composed and comes up with a way to spin it. Get it all done in one quick shot. Tell the rest of her family and friends this week.

Thanks guys! Needed to hear it, even though I know I'm doing the right thing.

She came home, and asked me what I told her mum. I said everything that I told your manager the other day. She got mad and said now her mum thinks she's a lesbian or is on the verge of becoming a lesbian. She said she told her mum that we had a lot of problems even before the A. Clearly she was trying to steer attention from what she had done. She couldn't omit any details cause I've aleady said it all, so she tried to throw a smokescreen. Anyway, tomorrow her mum wants to sit down with me, WS and my mum and to "talk it out". Whatever.

Anyway, initially she was angry, talked about divorce, how she was over the affair, and after that she would "deal" with the marriage etc. I didn't bite, didn't respond with more anger. Just said, there will be a time to deal with the marriage, now we have to settle the A. She kept saying the A is "definitely over" and that the marriage would soon be also etc etc. I just remained calm and said we'll deal with all that during marriage counselling and which marriage doesn't have problems and that I still loved her and was committeed to the marriage. I said D was something you did when you tried 10 different ways to work on things and you were at the end of the rope. You do it when you're very very very very sure, cause once done, its irriversible. She was thoughful, so I think she knows now that it doesn't hurt me as much as it did last time. She sees that I'm ready to work on the M, but I won't be devastated if it doesn't work out.

After a while she calmed down some, and started telling me about stuff she spoke to her best friend about. She said that today, the OW went and looked for her best friend at her workplace (supposedly spent 4 hours tracking her down), just to ask how my WS was doing etc. Said that she found all the gifts that she had given WS returned on her desk (I went with WS the night before and made her return everything). But her stupid friend said it MUST be my doing, and OW replied that it couldn't be cause the gifts were all still intact! Hahhah! Truth be told I was going to break em and place them on her desk, but WS stopped me. So we had a good laugh over that.

Later on we talked about her interview tomorrow. And she's asleep now, still in our bed which is good!

Before she came home, I messaged her best friend saying I know i'm not in her good books now but to take care of WS and to not allow her to call OW. She replied saying what I did was totally uncalled for, I've pushed her close over the edge, I'm going overboard. I replied that the WS probably failed to mention that the A was starting back up and that they had been holding hands again last week. And I was right cause her next reply was much more gentle. And the WS looked guilty and didn't deny when I asked her why she had lied (omitted the truth) from even her best friend.

Any help for the grilling session by her mum tomorrow on (probably) why I didn't meet her daughter's needs that she strayed? Think WS tried to steer it that direction.

First off, there is no excuse to have an affair. NONE. Explain this to her clearly and don't allow her to use that an excuse. Let her know that you are aware there were shortcomings on your part - and HERS - and you are prepared to resolve them with the help of Marriage Builders.

You are willing and able to work on your contributions to the problems in the marriage, is she willing to work on hers?

Thanks MelodyLane, I will put that across. Actually, I was going to say that both my mum and hers, though they have good intentions, are not marriage counsellors and are not in a position to counsel us to do anything. Yes, we may owe them an explaination for the A and stuff, but its something we will have to eventually work out between the TWO of us and a marriage counsellor. Now need to find a way to make that sound less offensive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

good job!

exposure is the tsunami of truth

it wipes out all the shadows (lies) that help shelter the affair

Pep

"they" say ~~ XXXX ~~~ (no matter what they say)

you say: "Your support means so much to me. Thank you so much." (smile & hug)

plan A the Moms too

Pep

Don't give up that fact you have Marriage Builders as your plan. You don't want your WW reading here. This, for now is your little secret weapon. Just let them know you have a very workable plan for how to get through all this.

It's a tough row to hoe, but one can manage with enough effort and resolve. It appears you have both!

Keep up the good work...
SD

Thanks everyone for the support. I would never have had the courage to do it without your help and encouragement.

And yes, having a solid, tried and tested plan to follow is better than wallowing in anger and bitterness and expecting her to miraculously wake up. Even though MB principles are not 100% successful in restoring all marriages post-affair, its better than 0% if I were to not do anything.

Today is the 'talk' with MIL, WS and my mum. How fun..

devastated, you are my HERO!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

devastated.... YOU ROCK!

I am still chuckling that he dragged his wife into her boss so he could expose! LOL! I LOVE THIS GUY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />