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BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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We'll be praying for you, Dev!
I think it was Bob Pure who said this..."And at some point when you kick this process off you will feel a satisfying itch in your right hand...as the control joystick passes to you from your WW."
Do you feel it, Dev?
~ Marsh
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LOL.. I just didn't want her and the OW scheming and saying that I was making things up after that. I figured that she couldn't deny anything if I told her boss with her there, and I was right
Think it was something like "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" Guess I did that literally! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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We'll be praying for you, Dev!
I think it was Bob Pure who said this..."And at some point when you kick this process off you will feel a satisfying itch in your right hand...as the control joystick passes to you from your WW."
Do you feel it, Dev?
~ Marsh Hi Marsh, Err, no itch, but I do feel like I'm more in control of the situation and not just reacting day by day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks bro. I know this isn't over, not by a long shot. But its an important step to ending this, one way or the other.
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think you might want to go w/ "sis" instead of "bro". LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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Exposure is the #1 weapon in killing an affair. You swung it well!
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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That is fantastic and hilarious Dev. If more BS's stood up to adultery like this affairs would be dead much sooner.
Kudos. Well done!!
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
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JKG
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think you might want to go w/ "sis" instead of "bro". LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Haha, Thanks Sis! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks everyone for your support. I have a 4 hour drive ahead of me and a panel of mothers to face. Her mum thinks we're still arguing and was asking her to move back home for a couple of months. Didn't want us to stay here and argue and stress her poor daughter into depression or something. She told her mum that sooner or later we have to work on this, so moving back was not an option at this stage. Anyway, it seems unlikely that the NC can be maintained, as she will have to still serve out her notice period and do the relevant handover, or whatever, no matter which one leaves (WS or OW). Her boss has suggested that she consider working from home for the time being, and doing her customer rounds too. But she will need to pop into the office at some point also. I don't know how to respond to this one. Maybe I'll wait to see what management is going to decide before I decide how to proceed.
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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Thinking and praying for you.
~ Marsh
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Hey, dev01...how are things going?
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Hi everyone,
Sorry for long silence, Internet at my mum's place was down the last 2 days -and its dialup!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Anyway, when we got back her mum was pretty upset, saying things like how could she put her through this again (her mum was also cheated on by her dad years ago). It was a weepy tense moment, and soon after I left when her mum said she wanted to talk to her alone. I told my mum and my two sisters when I got back, and they were also rather upset. My mum was dismayed but said she suspected something already when she called me a number of times in the last few months and found that I was always home alone. My sis was a bit angry, but they would not say anything futher to her on this and try to act like normal.
Anyway, the next day she told me her mum was upset that she had done what she had. I asked her if it was enough to keep her from repeating it again and she said "Well, if this isn't, I don't know what is!". True enough, I guess.
We took a one-night trip to a nearby resort, didn't talk about the episode just spent time together and it seems like I have the W back again instead of the WS.
She says she has not contacted the OW and neither has the OW contacted her. Her boss hasn't called up also so we're still unsure what the next step is going to be. Maybe I'll give the boss a call on Sunday and see what she's decided.
How do I help the WS through the withdrawal? It will definitely be much harder when we get back on Monday, away from family etc. Do I continue the plan A stuff, not talking about R or M, and try to spend as much time as I can (or she'll allow)?
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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Dev, here is some good reading that you can share with her. These are the things that need to happen to restore your marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks MelodyLane,
Good read, will print it out on Monday and show it to her.
In a couple of hours, she's going to call her manager (who has asked that she do so). I assume they have reached a decision.
I guess an option, should the company decide on a slap-on-the wrist approach for the both of them, is that the WS will take a month of no-pay leave and secure another job. I guess we shall try working from home as much as possible.
Will update with the manager's decision on the matter later. Wish us luck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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I guess an option, should the company decide on a slap-on-the wrist approach for the both of them, is that the WS will take a month of no-pay leave and secure another job. I guess we shall try working from home as much as possible. Good idea. And good luck. ~ Marsh
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Well, this morning she called up her boss. As expected, the boss said that since this was more of a "personal" matter, and it did not affect performace, they were not going to do anything about it. Can you believe that?!
Anyway, they spoke at some length. When it was over, she related the story to me. She then said that she was going to speak to the other company which gave her a tentative offer earlier, and see if they were willing to give her a concrete offer. SHe said she would go into the office on Monday. I wasn't happy with this of course and said that she should work from home, till she can secure an offer within the week and hand her resignation. This is something she had agreed to do earlier, but when I said it this morning, she got angry again. WTF!?!
Anyway, later I asked her about something I overheard, and she then admitted that her boss wanted to speak to her privately on Monday, to ascertain her intentions. I don't know why, but I got really angry and started raising my voice etc saying that she was still not telling me the whole truth. In fact, I'm pretty fed up that she does not see complete honesty as the way to go in this marriage. Her reason was that she didn't know how I would react, and I said WTH would I do?? Although it doesn't matter if she met up with her boss or not, at least I would know that she has not been withholding anything from me, is that so much to ask? She said that not only in this case, but she doesn't tell me everything anyway.
I replied that in this case involving the affair, if she would at least be totally honest with me, it would improve my trust for her. By withholding information, I would always think "WHat else hasn't she mentioned??" I also said that if I hadn't exposed, did she honestly think she would be able to stop the A on her own? And she said yes. I told her she lied so much that she was beginning to believe her own lies.
It went on for a while in the car, and I told her flatly that if she doens't see that total honesty was important in a marriage, then it won't work. And she replied, "then I guess it won't work".
I then got out of the car and she drove off to her mother's place.
I'm still pretty angry... why doesn't she see that honesty is something important in a marriage?? Is honesty really so hard? At this juncture I really think that if she doesn't see it this way, it will never end, and we don't have much of a marriage anyway!
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She's still in the Wayward catagory, and she'll believe her own lies until NC is established, and withdrawal has taken place.
Once a wayward falls into the abyss of lies and deceit, there is no end to what they'll do. They know no limits. They are completely illogical and they'll defend a lie beyond reason. They'll also contridict pure logic with senseless arguments.
Get used to this behavior, because it will stay in place until contact is over, and withdrawal is nearly complete. Only when they begin to emerge from the utter fog in which they live will they begin to be even the least bit trustworthy.
Sorry, but that's the way it is...
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Hi shattered dreams,
Despite what I've seen, I'm still constantly bewildered at her state of mind. I mean, even a 10-year old will tell you that "honesty is the best policy", and she, as an adult, cannot even see that honesty and truthfulness is needed to restore lost trust in a marriage. Its very exasperating when you tell her she needs to be honest and she says OK and then I find her not telling me the entire truth again. And its not the first, second nor third time either.
She tells her friend about what I did (the exposure) and how I probably am vengeful about the A and thats why I did it, but she also failed to mention to them that she was starting to resume the A again nor about last week's hand-holding with that lesbian in the park. Her parents know the full truth only because I mentioned it to them first. Not that I really care, but her friends probably think I'm an @sshole for "pushing her this far". Now with her trying to keep secret her meeting with her boss on MOnday, how can I still trust her when she tells me she will resign ASAP when she secures the new job etc? I will probably have to give her till the end of next week to settle things with the new job, else I will ask her to take a month of unpaid leave.
Every move she sees as me "taking revenge". She cannot see nor belive that I have our marriage's best interest at heart, if I didn't I would have dumped her the minute I heard about the A and ruined her and the OW's career. I am quite discouraged and sometimes just feel like I want to throw in the towel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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DEV: I just read thru your entire thread. And if you were to start from the beginning and re-read it you might learn some more from it. You finally learned to EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. By revealing this to her Boss and both sets of parents, you start to put pressure on her to end it. And it seems to be working. And you brought a measure of control into your life. And you have got to stop talking. You are telling your W everything you are about to do. And she tells you not to do it. So you don't. Get some backbone. Do what needs to be done. Lets discuss some points in your thread: Last night she even suggested that me or her best friend accompany them for the trip, if all else fails. I said no, I don't completly trust that her friend would NOT lie about her meeting up with the OW during this trip to protect her. As for me going, well, if she wants that, then she would have to bear the expenses of my flight tix. Not that I can't afford it, but I want to show her that there is a price to pay for the mess she has created. You seem willing to spend her money to save the marriage, but not your own. Do you see this? Is it a good idea to go on this trip? I don't know. But you should have offered to pay for you to go. Why, because it was worth it to you to "fix" your M. Should the WS feel the financial pinch of thier A? Yes. But not in this particular instance. It shows your level of commitment. YOU were willing to travel with her to keep her safe. As for the letter to OW Parents? If you haven't sent it, I would remove this: I have seen and even known a few lesbians like OW, those who are expert at 'preying' on single, heterosexual women. Only this time, she has gone too far and gotten involved with a married woman. I will not allow my marriage to be ended by this lesbian relationship and will do all it takes to prevent it. I suspect the same thing happened with her and Y when she was working at Company B previously causing OW then moved on to Company A now. You don't know, and your just sound vindictive. OW may be all of these things, but you are talking to OW's parents. You want them on your side. At least not working against you. Because it is still thier daughter. And if they KNOW that daughter has done this ten times, they will still defend her. Rewrite this line as well: I am writing not because I'm afraid of speaking to you face to face, but so that you can digest what I've told you without having to face a very angry stranger as I am finding it very difficult to control my anger these days. Anger scares people and shuts them down to the message you are trying to send. Say "hurting" or "in emotional pain" instead of angry. "Difficult to control" can be preceived as a threat to OW, and her parents. So, say that you may not have been able to control your "tears of pain" or "your ability to avoid your voice cracking" when discussing the situation. Your quote: Sheesh.. I guess I've never kept secrets from my wife before -I tell her EVERYTHING! I will have to learn to keep my mouth shut Often unheeded and not done. Stick with it! Let your emotion show sometimes. But hold your tongue! Count to 5, or 10. Think it through before you say it. Remember what the Plan A is all about... As for this exchange: Anyway, the next day she told me her mum was upset that she had done what she had. I asked her if it was enough to keep her from repeating it again and she said "Well, if this isn't, I don't know what is!". True enough, I guess.
We took a one-night trip to a nearby resort, didn't talk about the episode just spent time together and it seems like I have the W back again instead of the WS. Yes, you had the W back, because you minimized the R and M talk, and just spent time with her. You didn't LB or DJ. Learn Reverse Babble and its usage as needed. And the next time, you do not do the above, and this is what happens: Anyway, later I asked her about something I overheard, and she then admitted that her boss wanted to speak to her privately on Monday, to ascertain her intentions. I don't know why, but I got really angry and started raising my voice etc BOOM! So lets parse this interaction: I replied that in this case involving the affair, if she would at least be totally honest with me, it would improve my trust for her. By withholding information, I would always think "WHat else hasn't she mentioned??" You lovebusted all over this right? Being "totally honest with me" is important, its one of your boundaries, and if she does this it will improve your trust. But in this case, she was in a no-win situation, in what I call the Box. Her BOSS asked her to come in the next Monday to discuss her future with the company. And you LB her that she isn't being honest. So, if she tells you, you LB. And her boss may still fire her anyway or at least work will be much more difficult. You put your W in a box on this one. No way out but by having a LB with you. You always need to leave an opening in the Box. And that opening needs to lead to you as a caring, open H. Maybe you wanted her never to go back to this office. She has agreed not to, to find another job or something. Her BOSS May even tell her that they are letting OW go, and promoting your W because she is a star. I do not know, and you didn't either. You just made some DJ and got angry about it. And popped her into the Box. I also said that if I hadn't exposed, did she honestly think she would be able to stop the A on her own? And she said yes. Every WS thinks that they can stop the A on thier own. It took me 4.5 YEARS for mine to stop. So, let her THINK that she can, and you do what needs to be done to kill it. Let her know that you are doing what you can to help her end it. Not disrespecting her efforts to end it. (Yes, I know she thinks she is, but humor her!) You would have been ok if you had stopped there, then you throw in: I told her she lied so much that she was beginning to believe her own lies. BOOM! Another LB. Yes, its her world. As mishappen as it happens to be, its still her world. Reverse Babble. But you need to start being more supportive of W when she appears.
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She cannot see nor belive that I have our marriage's best interest at heart, if I didn't I would have dumped her the minute I heard about the A ..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She needs to hear this: You are still there in spite of the A and YOU do have the best interests of your M in mind in everything you are doing. You are working to save the M. Nothing, NOTHING! is more important to you than that Fact.
Last edited by JustKeepGoin; 01/20/07 05:43 PM.
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