Thank you both,

After reading through your post, I totally agree with everything you've said. Yes, the anger surfaces now and then, but I guess I must keep my temper in check <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

We were affectionate on the overnight trip, then started fighting when I started LB-ing when we got back to my mother's place, as mentioned. We argued until at one point she said with an angry smile "I'm soooo ready to sign the divorce papers, but I will give myself 6 months to see ensure that I'm completely over her and have settled all my work stuff to see if I still want to make that decision". I replied that at that point, I was also ready to throw in the towel. At the end of it, I told her that despite what she may think, that I'm being vindictive etc, I exposed her to her management because I wanted to kill the affair. And don't think that I'm worried about her career, because I am. I worry about everything about her because I do care. And I left it at that.

Then on our 4 hour drive home, she became affectionate again, and its lasted till this morning. We even made love this morning, which is a good sign. She's cooking breakfast now, and will try to get by today without any more LBing. I'm just puzzled by her quick shifts -is she schizophrenic????

And yes, I've already sent out the letter, last week in fact. Too late for second thoughts on it already, but I agree that I should have sounded less vengeful etc and more to winning tha parents over. But I guess what's done is done.

Breakfast is ready. Will post more later. Thanks!

Think of a slab of granite between the room you are in and the room your W is in. Seven feet tall, four feet wide and eight inches thick. That's all that keeps you from reconnecting with your W.

Every time you do something that fills your W's EN's you knock a chunk of that granite away. A chunk about the size of a tennis ball. Your thoughful words and deeds constantly chipping at the affair wall.

Every time you issue a Love Buster, you will immediately restore TWELVE chunks of granite to the slab. This makes the passage more difficult to travel.

So, what are we going to do about these Love Busters, starting today???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> SD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Great visual analogy!!!!!

Hi lousegolfer,

Thanks for taking the time to go through this. I finally have time to slowly do this (WS is out having dinner with her friend)


Yes, I have to stop talking. Talk, talk, talk, I think that is one of my biggest mistakes. She's sick of hearing my voice, I think.



My main reason for NOT wanting to pay was that I've seen some threads where ppl mentioned that the WS should learn that their A carries a price. I get your point about me going along and paying my way to show her that I care, but I also feel that at this point any good things I do for her wouldn't register anyway, whereas if she has to fork out her own $ it may at least register to her that there IS a consequence to her actions.

Anyway, she has already cancelled her tickets for the trip last week. I don't know if her boss will get her to reinstate it, so we'll have to see what happens.



Yes, I see that more clearly now. But the letter has already been delivered, so too late for that. Don't know the effect it had, nor do I even know if the OW intercepted it etc.



Yes, my motor mouth and temper again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Yes, I noticed that. I guess I jumped the gun and expected her to be almost back to normal after the exposure, forgetting that she is still a Wayward. I guess talks about the M and R is still out of the question, but how about talks about her job and such? Do I NOT talk about anything even remotely related to the A at all?


Actually, her boss has already said that they are not going to pursue this officially, regarding this as a personal matter. The WS and I are both agreed in this case that she WILL still leave her job, and she is going to talk to another company who had earlier given her an tentative offer. However, she wants to secure the job at the other company before she tenders her resignation. In the best case scenario, the other company may even opt to pay for the 2 months she needs to serve at her current company, so that she can start ASAP. That would be best.

Her boss probably wants to talk to her to get an indication on whether she wants to leave the company. She holds most of the accounts currently, so her boss is understandbly worried. Frankly, I think the boss copped out with her "personal matter" statement and didn't have the balls to fire either one or both, or even issue a warning letter.

I guess I'll learn what's going to happen tomorrow.


Yup. I guess I was frustrated and quite taken aback when the WS appeared and W disappeared in a matter of hours and then having the W appeared again. Quite freaky IMHO.

She was ok this morning, then towards afternoon she was starting to get a bit sarcastic again, and I tried not to respond in kind but to instead show her affection.

Thanks, a good analogy. Helped me when I spoke to the WS just a moment ago (she's in the shower now).

We talked a bit (she initiated). She mentioned at some point that I had "thrown all my cards down" and that if this didn't work as I planned, then I had pretty much everything to lose (refering to the exposure). She said that her parents, though they now know about the A, would support HER and not necessarrily the M as she was THEIR daughter. BTW, I guessed correctly that the same friend the OW spoke to the other day was the one who gave her the idea of this "thrown all my cards down" thing.

To some extent, I agreed with her. I said that I exposed to kill the affair, if I didn't our marriage had 0% chance of recovering. By exposing, I made a CALCULATED RISK, as nothing is 100%, but now instead of 0% chance, there was SOME chance of us getting our M back on track. Whether or not, after seeing her parents upset about the A, she wanted to continue the A, was up to her. If she wanted to resume the A (which she assured me she didn't) then there is nothing much I can do about it anyway and I wouldn't want to continue staying married to someone who made that choice. But I said (and she agrees) that she needs to clear up the mess with the OW and establish NC etc before we can come to that decision. And that's exactly the truth to how I feel. She also says that for her "the worst is over" meaning nothing worse can happen that hasn't already occured.

She said she will talk to her boss tomorrow, and try to settle all the work stuff by this week. Then take a month of unpaid leave to secure the new job before resigning. She assured me that she would not talk to the OW, even if she had to go into the office tomorrow and settle some work. Realistically, there was no way I could keep her away from the office anyway, short of her boss firing one or the other. She will still have to go in and settle her stuff before leaving. Ditto for the OW. Anyway, I'm in a situation where she has to take ownership of her own decision and on what she is going to do next.

Oh, and I need to mention that all this conversation was good natured. No angry outburst of any kind. I think she was expecting that, or was maybe trying to get me into that when she mentioned about the "throwning all my cards" part, but I didn't and said my concern was for killing the A and for trying to restore the M. So no LB for me this time. Yay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now you are executing Plan A. Now you keep adding deposits to her Love Bank, and with the elimination of Love Busters, they will start to mount up and pay a little interest.

Always remember it's not any one thing you do, it is the cumulative effect of ALL you do. And the longer you do ALL you do, the more you add to your credibility.

All this is win/win for both of you.

Keep it up and watch the fog disolve over the next 4-6 weeks, and she'll start being drawn back to you. It's so slow, it's almost imperceivable, but when you look back on a week, you will see the progress.

You are doing great!

SD

Thanks SD. I really hope she can keep herself clear of the OW, or is strong enough not to give in and start talking to her again. She is just too... NICE sometimes. Won't NOT talk to someone if she can help it, especially if that someone plays the concerned 'friend' card. But she mentioned that she is now convinced that NC is the only way to go, where 2 weeks ago she still thought that maybe they could be friends. I pray that is enough. No choice, NC will be broken this week for sure, just hope her willpower is strong enough

As for the FOG dissolving, well I have seen evidence of that lately when my W emerged (if only for a few hours). The first time I have seen it happen since D-day. And after the exposure when she is bitter and angry with me for exposing.. so yes, I do see it and would like more of it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You may have be be really creative to get the NC in place. So long as any contact occurs, she'll not be able to get through withdrawal. And that will keep her in the fog. Hopefully her employer may reconsider if your W has no choice but to leave the company to establish the NC. And I'm sure that would be something else you would have to deal with, her getting a job elsewhere. Maybe the employer needs a nudge from your W to relocate or terminate the OW, if she's not a key player in the firm.

Consider every angle... and choose one that looks workable. Discuss this with your W and let her come up with the solution. That way you are not making selfish demands.

Kapish?

Kapish! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The contact this week is unavoidable. As much as possible, I have tried to ask her to minimize it. She will tell her boss that she will work from home this week, as much as possible, while try to secure the other job offer before the end of the week and take a month of unpaid leave if she's able. But she will still need to pop into the office to get documents etc, as not everything can be done from home. So I have no choice NOW, but to leave it to her to keep herself clear from the OW, at least for the week and hope its enough.

Update: WS met with her manager and general manager outside at a breakfast meeting. From the little that she has been able to tell me so far, she has told them that she wants to work on the marriage, and they have basically told her to "plan for her exit". They will assist her to leave the company gracefully without alerting the other colleagues or other potential employers (its a small industry), giving her time to leave with a plausible reason. From what I've heard I find it strange that they are asking her to leave and not the OW, but I guess at the end of the day, the result is the same -they will be separated from the work place.

I messaged her asking her for lunch and she called and said that she does not want to see me, as she's angry with me for this. Although it was an expected decision and she had planned to leave anyway, she is still angry at having to leave the company. Maybe she probably thought there was a small chance she could still stay on, and hearing her bosses telling her that she would have to leave probably woke her up further to reality. She sarcastically asked "I AM still entitled to my emotions, aren't I?" I just said of course, I understand and that I would see her tonight.

She's headed back to the office now. Probably to tell her colleagues that she would be exiting from the company, stating "personal/family reasons" and her manager would begin the handover process at their sales meeting in the afternoon.

I think flowers are in order when I see her tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course, I know that at the end of this, she may still ask for a D, but one step at a time. She says that I may be bitter about the A, but she is bitter with me about her having to leave her job (as though it were the same thing!).

That is very good news!

Don't get carried away and throw a party tonight, as your wife will be sad about leaving the job, and OW, even if she knew she needed to.

If she is furious at you, just stay out of her way, and tell her you want to save the marriage.

LOL! Yeah, definitely no parties until we can put this behind us (if we can). Just buy her flowers to show her that I care. Will steer clear of her the rest of the day until I see her tonight after work, think she needs NOT to see or hear from me for now.

Be sure not to say anything about the OW. Expect her to be in withdrawal. See if you can meet some emotional needs. She may not let you for awhile, but I am VERY OPTIMISTIC.

Hi believer, thanks for your vote of confidence. I have yet to contact her at work today -I think her day will be filled with meetings, and the start of the handing over process. Its been a rather busy day at work for me as well, after a week's absence.

Will pick up some flowers and maybe a nice dinner on the way home from work today. Hope all goes well tonight and that she manages to avoid the OW as much as possible today...

Update:

OK early on, right after D-Day, I said some things to her in anger that has stuck to this day. One of the most damaging things I think was that I was "going to destroy her and the OW's career, let everyone know about what they had done etc". And it stuck in her brain and is a source of friction that makes her think the exposure was done out of spite.

Well, today she spoke to her manager. They were at first reluctant to have her go, but she mentioned that I had said I would contact everyone I knew and tell them about the affair, and I think that changed me manager's mind about keeping her, telling her that it would be better if she exited gracefully from the company, and not affect the company's reputation (its a HUGE MNC). Her boss emailed me as well, saying the WS would be telling her colleagues that she was resigning because of personal matters, and that I should talk to the WS and come up with a similar story to tell "customers and industry". Geez, they are REALLY worried about the good name of the company.

They said that the A did not violate any company regulations, hence there was no grounds to terminate either party. In fact, the general manager mentioned to the WS that me getting the company involved was "unprofessional". Hah! I think hearing it from her boss also made her MORE resentful of the fact that I exposed to her management. SHe is still angry with me, and tried to goad me into an argument which I simply did not allow myself to get into.

So now, her parents, management and friends all think that I did the wrong thing by exposing to her management. To me, it made a difference because:

1. Management warned OW against communicating with WS on non-work matters
2. Management assigned someone else for the WS to pass on her work to, when it would otherwise have been the OW
3. Management is aware of the A and so both will not be tempted to chat in the office or resume casual contact
4. Mabagement has allowed her to serve her notice in ONE MONTH instead of the required 2 months, and has allowed her to work from home, minimizing contact with the OW.

Now, if I didn't expose to her management, how much more fragile would the NC be??? I will put this point across to her at a later time, cause she isn't receptive to anything I say now.

As for the others, I told her it was OUR marriage, and I couldn't care less what they thought of me. I said I did what I thought best to salvage the marriage, and I really couldn't help it if she didn't believe me that I didn't do it out of spite or for revenge.

I really believe the words you guys keep saying, that our marriage can survive her anger, but it cannot survive the affair. And exposure to management and parents has (so far) proven to be effective in killing it off, and in ensuring it doesn't get revived.

I struggled to lock up my Taker, but think I have it under control for now. And since I haven't been responding to her verbal jabs, things have not gotten out of hand. Hope things will look better for her tomorrow.

Blah, blah, blah.

Don't worry about her bitterness and anger over leaving the job. A year from now when you've recovered, she thank you for saving her from her self destructive acts and sticking with her. Time heals all wounds. She just is pissed that her actions have consequences. Her boss is pissed that you got her bosses involved and made her lose a good worker. Don't worry about this now. Count on withdrawal lasting a few months. Even after that, your WS will still probably not admit to wrongdoing or still be resentful for a few months. People are stubborn and don't like to admit when they are wrong. Continue with Plan A the whole time and work with your WW on the M. It will take time to heal from this, but you need to learn your lessons. Affair proof your M. You have been through a ****** of a lot less crap than most of us, and many of us have recovered (hopefully my WW and I will too). Just keep plugging along.

The damage done by creating anger in a marriage, while in the process of saving a marriage, is far less than the damage created by an affair.

One does not have to put a lifetime of morality on the shelf to become angry. One does not have to lie and decieve to become angry.

Anger can blow over in a few hours or days. The ripple effect of an affair will last a lifetime.

Yes, you are doing the right things. Your WW is reluctant to face any of the consequences caused by HER choices, mainly the choice to have an affair.

Keep that Taker under lock and key. Fixing dinner says WAY more than bringing home dinner. Cleaning up the mess after dinner says even more! Don't kill her with huge boquets of flowers. Small, simple arrangements with "happy" colors. No "I love you's", but say something on the note that is loving but not agressive. "Thinking of you" or "Hope these brighten your day". You will know the words that are appropriate.

Give the anger the better part of this week to subside. Stay ultimately calm, and don't let her engage you into an Love Busters.

Picture yourself picking up speed on the entry ramp to the recovery "freeway". And pat yourself on the back for how you've grown and what you've learned. This is all about how YOU have progressed. Now, just stay with it!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks Jim and SD. GOod to know that there will be an end to this, just have to keep up the Plan A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She was still going btw angry, slightly depressed and almost normal from last night till this morning. Not going into work this morning while I showered and prepared for work made her a little depressed. I think at this point its more the fact that she's losing her job than not being in contact with OW that is the issue.

Planning to take her out for a nice dinner tonight. I'm a real bad cook, except for instant noodles, and microwave dinners..lol!

Update (a bit of a long one, so please bear with me):

I took her out for a nice dinner, and noticed that something was different about her, slightly more arrogant, a bit more indifferent etc. Towards the end of the dinner, she annoyed me with this same attitude, and I LBed, got pissed off and we returned home in silence.

When she was in the shower I checked her SMSes and saw that she had a message from a colleague saying that she was out for lunch with another colleague. Alarm bells went off, as she had told me she was having lunch with that particular colleague when I called her in the afternoon.

When she got out of the shower, I asked her again who she had lunch with, and she replied the same as during lunch. I took out her mobile and showed her the SMS, and said "You were with OW, wern't you?" She hesitated then said yes, she went to the office around noon and OW was there all alone. So they talked for about an hour.

At this point I lost it. I got fuming mad and came close to hitting her, cause she still continued to tell one lie after another. Fortunately, I didn't, but I did toss her phone against the wall (it still works). Major LB I know, but I really don't think I care anymore!

We exchanged word and she insisted that it was just a conversation, she was curious about what had happened while we took the week off, wanted some closure, wanted to find out how the OW was etc... same old Bull-crap. Anyway we argued and right now, we're both deciding if we want a divorce.

She said that maybe we should both take a few days to consider, and I said consider what? She kept lying to me, herself, her friends etc, when was it going to end. Easy enough to blame me cause she lies to her friend about her role in all of this, make me look like a ba$[censored] while she comes across as the wounded wife. Even now she lies about the "just conversation" with the OW, even though last week she told me that she KNOWS that NC is absolutely necessary.

Anyway, in the midst of all this, she told me my letter reached the OW's parents. Her parents were mad and upset, and her father even hit her. Good for him!!

Question is, yes, we can get a divorce. Yes, we can go out separate ways. But what do I want? I still haven't figured that one out. LIke I told her, just when I think I can see that there is an end, she goes and puts us back at square one again. I'm tired, so tired of all this crap. I wanna thrown in the towel, but I refuse to allow myself to act in this state of mind. Perhaps some sleep and some words of encouragement will help me decide tomorrow. Maybe a Plan B until she truly leaves the job? But then, they are still in the same industry, so what's to stop them from meeting up in the future, or from me suspecting them of it????