First of all - greetings to everyone on these Boards. Have been reading these forums since Nov, but only registered today. The next few paragraphs briefly described my situation, but a little incoherently. Need the advice and guidance of experienced friends here. I have never felt so confused and lost in my life.

My heart was totally crushed and broken in Nov 2006, when my wife of almost 11 years told me that she has fallen in love with her colleague (they're both teachers) and wanted to leave the family. We recognize that our marriage had not been right for the past few years. Having read the info on MB website, I realize now that I had many bad habits that were LB. Moreover, she had been quietly taking it all in, without any major outbursts. All the while, I had the impression that we were adapting to each other, until that painful night when she broke the news to me. Found out that OP is also married (3 years, no children) and had just filed for D.

The next morning, she broke the news to our two sons, who even though are young, were devastated. Later that day, upon request, she had a chat with one of the pastors from our church. She was the pastor who married us in the first place. The pastor asked that WW give the decision to leave the family careful thought before making any more moves. In the meantime, the pastor suggested that the situation not be revealed further. I met up with our pastor the next day, and after much prayer and thought, told her that I wanted to work at our marriage if WW would make a decision to return. After hearing both sides, our pastor suggested that WW takes a month to carefully consider, before making the decision. Pastor also recommended that I check out this MB website, which had been a great blessing. Since then, I have acted to weed out all LB. I assure her I want to meet her EN, and meet those (eg domestic support) that she allows me to. WW had noticed some changes, but still cannot believe that it will last, or that we have a future together. WW says her heart is closed to me.

One month later, WW could not make a decision. She recognizes that there is much uncertainty in leaving the family, and that it would affect the future we dream of for our boys. But on the other hand, she cannot bear to leave OP. She says she still loves our boys (how can she say this and yet want to leave?), but cannot imagine a future with me. She then requested that the deadline for decision to be extended till January, when the school term starts. I gave it some prayer and thought again, and told her that I still love her, and not matter how painful it is for me and our boys, we would give her the time and space to make the decision.

Life has been a series of hurts, interspersed by one or two hopeful days since then. Mostly bad days. She comes home to be a mother for a while, and then goes off to spend the night with OP when our boys go to bed. We still attend church, and there are times when God speaks to her to draw her back. However, this feeling and God's call to her, seems to totally be reversed whenever she goes out to meet OP. Any resolve to work at our M is gone when she meets OP. She told me she cannot imagine loving me again, and that OP treats her like treasure. OP had been acting the good guy ... told her not to worry about him. OP says decision is hers and he will be alright. Just last night, she told me to give up on her, as she cannot see herself leaving OP. I told her I would not give up on her as I love her. Found out from WW that OP's wife is also not giving up, and hoping he'll return.

Boys and I have been praying for her everyday, without fail. I spend most of my nights in prayer (for her and our boys). The hurt is so much for me, and our boys are exhibiting symptoms of insecurity (but she doesn't really see it). They are upset to see their mother going off to "be someone elses family".

We're now still praying and awaiting her decision. I believe many of you our there would have been through or experienced similar situations. Any words of advice?

Welcome. I would be sure to talk to the OM's wife in person, and be absolutely sure that she knows the extent of his involvement with your wife.

Next, I would expose the affair at their place of work. Let their employer know that both you and the OM's wife desire to stay married, and the affair is breaking up 2 families. Ask their help in transferring one of them.

As long as the two of them continue having contact, there is very little hope for either marriage.

Given that she is living with OM for the most part, I think it is time you considered plan B and have her move out. You retain custody of the children, and see a lawyer about your rights.

I am not saying go to plan B right now, but consider it. I would also councel you to see a pro-marriage counselor and even consider counseling with the Harleys. I would strongly urge to obtain a copy of Surviving an Affair, by Harley if you have not done so.

This is a very difficult situation, but worse have been turned around so hang in there, do a lot of reading, speak with a lawyer, your pastor, and seek professional marriage counseling EVEN if she will not go.

I am sure you will get more advice. Oh! have you exposed the affair to her parents, your parents, and at her job? You really need to do that.

God Bless,

JL

PS: School districts really don't like adverse publicity so you might suggest that they consider acting on this information, even including transferring one of the teachers.

EXPOSURE will be key to ending this affair. Expose the affair to the school and coworkers, OMW and family (I would make sure you talk to OMW in person even if she knows about the A), and your WW's parents friends and family. Gossip will fly at a school, so all those judgmental eyes looking down on them will ruin the fantasy of the affar. Don't worry about angering her, all WW's get angry when you expose. My WW told me that I ruined any chance of reconciliation when I exposed to her workplace. She ended the A 5 days later. It's true, you can read my story. The benefits of exposure FAR OUTWEIGH the negatives.

JL is right. EXPOSE. Your Pastor is wrong.

Expose BIGTIME Now, not later....

Get an attorney and begin to find out your options for financial, custody and other issues.

BH--

Can you get a copy of LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James Dobson? Alongside MB principles, i think it is a GREAT and powerful tool. I actually re-read it last night (though now divorced) and must say your sitch is prime for some tough love alongside MB princples. I cannot recommend this book enough, especially to you who has a WW with absolutely no respect for you at the moment. It will help you gain some confidence back.

And exposure is a must. Even to his soon-to-be ex-wife.
your pastor sounds misinformed. I'd get her a copy of the book as well.

And please keep posting. Everyone here will help get you through this. You're gonna have to go through no matter what no, might as well bring some seasoned vets of this yucky war alongside.

You said you've read MB principles since NOV--what else MBwise have you done so we can see where you're coming from?

Thanks for some very quick replies from some. Here's what I gained so far ...

Exposure is a necessary. For now, OMW knows, including their families and friends. One of WW's best friends know, but is not doing much. OMW almost had a mental breakdown, but is now on meds. Everyone is telling OM to go back and not destroy our two families. I do not have OMW's contact info ... not sure how to get it. As for the school, getting one teacher to leave may not result in separation. Will need to plan this further ...

Seek MC and lawyer.

Believer - As for seeing OMW in person. I do not have her contact info. And I am pretty sure she knows the extent of their involvement. What else do I talk with her about?

Intexas - I have tried to do all that is encapsulated in plan A, other than total disclosure. Was thinking of doing that when she really makes up her mind to leave. Right now, she is hanging between decisions.

JL - she has considered moving out, but was not able to find a place of her own. Think she finds it awkward to live in OM's house, even though OMW has moved out. Should I implement plan B if she moves out? I have read SAA, but it looks really difficult to achieve with 2 boys in school.

This is so painful and hard ... and the pain just gets worse daily.

Contact OMW and get her on board with the MB program. She can help things out from the other side. First of all, she shouldn't have moved out of OM's house if she wants to save her M. Get her aware of the MB principles. It will help break up the affair if both BSs are pulling both WSs in opposite directions.

Secondly, expose to the school today! Yes, it may not result in them separating, but affairs thrive in secrecy, they thrive in a fantasy world. Let them experience all the guilt of people looking down at them. Let them experience the full consequences of their actions. This kills the fantasy and exposes them to real life. As you know, real life can be hard and to damage to any relationship. Along those lines, make sure your finances are separated, and let her try to make it on a teachers salary. If her standard of living significantly decreases that would put a strain on the affair as well. You need to develop a strategic plan against this insidious affair, and go in with guns blazing. This is war. Good vs. evil. Are you ready?

Also, drag your feet as much as possible, don't help her move, and don't enable her affair at all. When she gets pissed off tell her you are going to fight for your marriage. NO ENABLING! You don't pay anything or shield her from the consequences of her actions. Make it hard on her to leave.

Make sure you are still doing plan A. Trying to meet her ENs and avoiding LBs. Get some counseling and ADs. I might suggest plopping down $185 to talk to Steve Harley (link at the top of the page) to hammer out a detailed plan. It feels a lot less hopeless when you have a plan that you are actively implementing.

Could you see a medical doctor about getting on anti depressants until the pain subsides somewhat? Is that an option for you?

In all the [email]cr@p...the[/email] positive is that now you have a plan of action and a way to get "out of your head"

Expose......

Ok, here's an update. Been juggling work, boys, and making plans going forwards. I contacted OMW, and found out that there had been a web of deceit from OM to her. She does not know the full extent of the affair, and both OM and OMW parents are not in the full knowledge of things.

Well, 2 nights ago, OMW and myself (and our pastors) went to dropped in to see WW and OM in OM house (OMW moved out, and cannot bring herself to move back in). They did not expect our arrival. We wanted to clarify the situation, and after that, we left knowing that they would think and give us a decision (of whether they would break up) by next week.

Last night, WW was angry that we had done that. She says that she kept replaying the incident in her mind all day long. She says it is part of my character (taking things into my own hands) that she hates, and that the move was not helpful in making her come back to me. More likely, WW said that move would push her away. The confrontation, however, served to exposure the details of the affair to OMW and her pastor.

I was quite discouraged, but I read here that ending the affair is the primary focus now. When she is in the affair, she cannot imagine any reconciliation. Exposure is an effective tool, but could be seen as a huge love buster since it invades the privacy and affects their fantasy. Would exposure affect the "making myself attractive" portion of plan A? Is there a good way to respond to the anger of the spouse? I want to avoid LBs.

Any suggestions on how to proceed from here? More exposure? There has been some deceit, and there could be more.

BHG, exposure is a GOOD lovebuster in that it causes great conflict in the affair. Your W is angry becsuse the things you have done are ruining her affair. It is like taking the crack away from a crack head. Of course they are ANGRY and ENRAGED, but that doesn't mean that taking away the crack is a BAD THING.

When someone is destroying themselves, as in an affair, you know you are doing your job when you MAKE THEM MAD. Becasue the only way to make her happy right now is to APPEASE and ENABLE her, which works against your interests.

Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair. So, don't be discouraged. Be ENCOURAGED that you are successfully causing great interference in the affair.

It is really too bad the OMW moved out. As you can see, she is simply ACCOMMODATING the affair.

BHG:

This is very Good:




And Anger? Of Course! You are squeezing the Wayward out of W and it HURTS.

Now let the school know, and Parents. Today. Do not drag it out.

Visit the Home of the Lovebirds often with the OMW. That can create much turmoil.

And for this:



Learn about "Reverse Babble" all around this website...

Man I loved the surprise visit. Way to go!

Continue the exposure. W and I are both teachers and that is something the school administration would go nuts over if it were exposed. I would think a transfer most likely for at least one.

Yes, I recognize that. We had suggested she does something about it, but she thinks it is just too painful to even consider it.

Went to read up RB on Orchid's thread. Appears to be used mainly in plan B due to potential sarcasm. Do you all think it is suitable for me now? Any other good way to respond?

Is RB mainly for persons in plan B and full of scarcasm? One might think so but take another look.

Reverse babble prime objective to keep the WS off balanced and give the WS back their guilt. To relieve some of the pressure from the BS and family. Learn to use the WS words against the WS and the A thereby reducing the resentment from the WS to the BS and family.

RB has a purpose, one would need a plan when using it and not non-chalantly use it. Keep your objective in mind.

You can RB even while in plan A. But think about it, what good is doing plan A to a WS? To your real W? Yes. To the WS????!?!?!?! Hm......

L.

If you are not native to Singapore, my advice is to strongly consider getting jobs back home and leaving Singapore forever.

Your WW got angry because you exposed. Good. It isn't as much fun as it used to be. What can she threaten you with? She has already said she is leaving. You have nothing to lose. Expose her raw and OM too. Expose him to everyone who will listen and a few who won't.

Singapore is one of those cities expats should never live in. We had an office there and I had many friends who lived and worked there. I can't think of one who remained faithful to his wife. I can't speak for the women. But if you do the math and take away "Top Ten", I think a few of them had their own activities.

The OMW should move home immediately and kick that loser to the curb. Let him go and get an apartment or something.