Thanks to all who gave comments and advice. I will definitely try out RB sensitively, and hope it works. Some additional updates ...

Initially, WW told us that she had confided in her best friend (call her Ms.A), and that Ms.A didn't scold her but was empathetic. We thought the next step of exposure would be to contact Ms.A to ascertain the extent of her knowledge. Ms.A is a strongly grounded Christian, and I was very surprised she did not encourage WW to break off affair.

Anyways, we contacted Ms.A, and to our surprise, Ms.A did not know about affair at all. She was very sad to heard about it, as she is good friends with WW and OM. She said she would try to do something about it. Yesterday, she told another good friend (call her Ms.B). Together, they came over to my house to talk to WW. It was a long talk, and WW did not tell me anything about the conversation. Later on, I found out that Ms.A and Ms.B are planning on taking action on two things ...

1. Talking to OM. They want to make their stand clear to him. Encourage him to stop, and to get OMW to move back in. I believe that could be a problem as OMW is fearful of OM, but getting OM's parents to move in might achieve the same effect.

2. They think that WW needs time to cool down to think about the consequences of her actions before making a decision. If pushed now, they think WW will leave the family. One possibility would be for her to take leave from school, but they feel that is not possible as the current term has just started. The alternative would be for me to bunk somewhere else after putting our boys to bed, so that she can stay home to think instead of going over to OM house.

Any thoughts?

Well intentioned bad advice is still bad advice. Don't leave your house. Giving WW time alone will only further enable the A.

Oh no, it would be a huge mistake to leave. Moving only enables her affair. You can see where it got the OMW! You don't need to leave home for her to "think," She can "think" anywhere. You can't work on your marriage if you are not there. Not to mention that you should NOT EVER be booted from your own bed to accomodate her affair. Having you there makes it hard for her to carry on her affair. It would be a HUGE MISTAKE to move out of your bed. And like I said, she can "think" anywhere. She can go in the bathroom or the garage and do all the "thinking" she wants.

I would suggest exposing her at school ASAP. That will be your best bet because exposure is the MOST POTENT WEAPON you have. Affairs thrive on secrecy so shining the light of reality on them is ruinous.

Good job on exposing to her friend! She sounds like a REAL friend who may be very helpful.

Thanks to Pio and ML for quick responses.

So far, I have been in my house and in my bed. WW would leave to go spend the night with OM once boys are in bed. Ms.A and Ms.B are suggesting that we switch positions. I believe the reason why they suggested this was so that our boys could be a draw to her heart while she is thinking. Spending time with our boys could make her less willing to leave the family, which would mean leaving our boys too.

Ideally, if only WW could agree to stay away OM, and spend time alone with God to think. Wondering if there is a way to enable that.

BHG,

I just don't see it that way. By leaving WW in the house, you are giving her everything and she sacrifices nothing. She has her home, children AND the A. OTOH by her leaving and going to OM, she is making a choice. She is deciding ebtween being with her family or OM. Right now OM has the stronger pull. Time will weaken it. Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder (or is it abstinence? I never can remember). If that theory holds, she will miss the children more by being apart from them and may begin to recognize that she is not being their mother. I suggest you keep your home and family as intact as possible and let her decide what she wants. Don't make that choice comfortable for her. Establish clear boundaries. Many BS's believe they need to treat their WW's with kid gloves. Wrong. Being too nice can be a very bad thing to do. Plan A is not about enabling the A.

BH, I think your friends are missing the point and don't quite understand the nature of an addictive affair. Your W won't switch positions, nor will her "heart be softened by the boys" after dark when it is not "softened" at other times. She is an addict who will do what it takes to get her fix.

Any time alone to "think" will be spent getting it on with the OM. She is cut off from God right now so she won't be spending any time alone with him to "think." That is a completely unrealistic view of the mind of a wayward spouse. That aint how they think.

Better to just lock her out the next time she wants to go catting around.

BH, your friends are well meaning and their help is great, but they clearly do not understand the dynamics of adultery.

BH, what do your friends imagine your W will be doing all this "thinking" about?

BHG,

Listen to the advice here - Do not leave the house.

In my sitch, I left the house then found MB. These same people said go back home. I waffled, but eventually did. Now WW is living in a rental house (mostly) alone while I have our kids at night. If WW wants to continue her A, she can but in her own place.

Decided against leaving my house. My WW has the time and space to think about stopping the affair. If she is serious about thinking, then location is not the problem. Moreover, I am the only stable thing in my boys life right now.

Also found out that her friends may not fully understand addiction, and how to help ... just as ML mentioned. They think that pushing her decision to come back is a bad thing as she will get angry and just decide to leave. In fact, WW threatened that if she feels pressured, she will choose to leave the family. Have suggested that her friends read the MB website, but I suspect they either have not come here, or that they do not believe the content.

Anyway, now that the affair is exposed to 3 of her colleagues, things are getting complicated in school. WW came home yesterday telling me that she has a headache and that things are a different now in school. Let's see how things develop today.

If I were you, I would put a 15 story banner down the side of Raffles City Tower exposing the affair. Why do you stop short?

ML is right. Don't make the mistake of trying to apply reason and logic here. Waywards have an addiction and they will sell their souls to feed it. She is not in love with OM. She is in love with the A. She is irrational if that means anything. It is a chemical addiction that your WW cannot understand.

Okay the A is no longer sunshine and roses. Fantastic news. Unfortunately that may not be enough to stop it. Think about a drug addict who loses his job, family and home and lives on the streets to try to feed the habit. Do you think they wake up one day and say "hey? what am I doing?". Probably not. Right now OM is WW's only safe haven in her mind. Take that away. Make his life miserable.

I have a job for your two well-intentioned friends. Next time you know WW is at OM's house, send them over there to knock on his door and go in and have a visit with WW alone - have them make OM wait in another room. That will take away OM's house as a safe haven. WW will have nowhere to hide.

Do you see that this is a threat to manipulate you into not applying pressure? She doesn't want to end the affair, so she is trying to hold you hostage into continuing to allow it. Don't fear your WW.


Let exposure do its trick. Most WSs think everyone will be okay with their decisions and want them to be happy. Having to deal with the consequences of their actions kills the fantasy of the A.

Thanks for the ideas.

Yes, I will not be manipulated. Will continue to monitor and add pressure that is necessary to break the addiction. Also, the idea on possibilities for WW's friends at OM's house is good. Not sure if they will do it though ... they are best friends, and right now, they are against any pressure too. Gotta think if there are other strategies.

Pressure is the best strategy. It should be understood that without pressure she will have no motivation to change. She is just like an addict. So, please tell her friends they should view pressure as a GOOD THING. To not pressure her is to ENABLE HER.

Tell the friends that they need to do it because they ARE her friends. By being nice, they are not helping their friend.

You seem to have surrounded yourself with a group of people who seem to wish well. That's okay. Now its time to find out what those friends are really made of. If worse came to worst, would you risk sacrificing a friendship to save a marriage? How about a family?

piojitos is right. A real friend doesn't her friend be BAD, but helps her be GOOD. Saying some nice words will not suffice when their friend really needs some direct pressure to interfere in her filthy affair.

BHG,

What's happening?

Thanks for asking. Here's an update. Welcome any more advice /comments.

Yesterday, I told my parents, her relatives, and her principal about the affair. She doesn't know about it yet, but I think she will be angry. Will be getting myself prepared.

Also, OMW is considering the best way and time to tell OM Parents and OMW Parents.

You can bet she'll be angry. This is to be expected. The angrier they are, the MORE EFFECTIVE exposure was.

What did her principal say? Are they going to do anything about it?

The best time was when you did your own exposing. Any delay from that time gives the OM more time to try to "spin" the story to his advantage.

She was really angry on Friday. Told me to forget all hopes of her coming back, even if the affair breaks up. Our boys were shocked by her outbursts, and it was the younger one's birthday.

As for school, principal said she will talk to them.