Hello,

Again looking for some information. My wife and I are commited to rebuilding, we may not be in the rebuilding phase but we want to be there.

My question is, when is the mistrust just running my head? How much of the questioning is my paranoia about her and how much is actually warrented?

She went back to school yesterday and even though she doesn't have any classes with the OM, he is going to be on campus.

I also want to know who she is calling on her cell phone. She has said that it is her friend (female) and I believe her when she tells me (I guess I think I do) but it doesn't help me later on when I find my self checking the cell phone account online. I also went as far as ordering one of those reverse look up services to find out who owns the number I believe might be her female friend (most likely) or might be the OM (less likely). I am going nuts here. Do I tell her about my paranoia. I feel ashamed about doing this. Do I not, I don't want to tell her that I am checking on her. I hate this feeling.

Thanks for listening,
-Jason

My take is that you put a system in place to monitor everything. You think of every possible way that she could communicate with the OM and check it to make sure it comes up clean.

My WW used to use her cell phone to communicate with OM, so I monitored her cell phone daily. I also checked her purse daily to see if she got lazy and had any trace evidence. One day I found a prepaid calling card. I destroyed it and confronted her with it. After that I started monitoring her bank accounts online because I knew I would not find the next calling card. Sure enough there was a purchase at a gas station for a $10 prepaid calling card, and even though I never found the card, I let her know that I knew she was in contact with him again. She flipped out and wondered how I knew. I didn't tell her, I only heightened my security. After several weeks, I started to get the impression that she was no longer going to call OM by her actions. Three and a half weeks of searches came up clean. I still monitor everything, but not as often.

I know it is harder for you because she could run into OM at school. Check her accounts online, and ask her some questions about her day. Let's say you see a receipt for Panera Bread Co. for lunch. When she gets home, just ask her what she did that day. If she says I studied, and then I needed some coffee, so I stopped by Panera and got a bagel and a cup of coffee, then she checked out clean. If she gets defensive, or doesn't tell you what you know she did, then you need to dig up a little deeper.

You will feel less paranoia the closer you get, and the more you check and she comes up clean. Like Ronald Reagan said (you should like this because you are a military man), "Trust, but verify."

Jim,

Thank you for your advice, it has really helped me. Each day brings new feelings and challenges.

Thank you again,
-J

Romero,

First of all, do not think of it as paranoia.

It is suspicion. You are suspicious because your trust in your wife's commitment to her marriage vows has been broken.

The mistrust is valid and warranted.

""I feel ashamed about doing this.""

Why the h3!! are you ashamed about this?? This is called snooping!! This is what ALL of us BSs do.

I am out from Dday 2 1/2 years and I still review the phone bill and it drives me crazy when I see an incoming call that lasts more than 15 minutes. (the incoming call # is not listed on our bill) AND the incoming call could very well be from ME!!

You have every right to and probably SHOULD keep snooping until your WW can EARN your trust back.

""Do I tell her about my paranoia. I feel ashamed about doing this. Do I not, I don't want to tell her that I am checking on her.""

No need to tell her about your "mistrust" and definately do not tell her that you are checking on her.

""I hate this feeling."" Yes, well, welcome to the MB club. This feeling is one of many..yes?

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

krk

I think it is perfectly normal not to trust and to continue to verify. Personally I feel any actions taken by the WW to dissuade checking...guilt trips...my privacy...being defensive...etc...is a bad sign. If they truly are done communicating with the OM/OW they should have nothing to hide thus nothing to worry about.

If you continue to turn up nothing and everything checks out you will be less and less paranoid and will check less and believe more. Trust needs to be reearned.

Thank you for the responses, I am not used to this mistrust (obviously). I want to make sure that I am not fooling myself by putting trust in her when she says there is NC.

I really fooled myself about the potential of her friendship with the OM. A week before the PA in the midst of the EA (didn't or couldn't see it at the time) I actually told her that, "I know that she would never put herself in a situation where anything could ever happen."

The day after I left on a buisness trip he came over after work and the PA happened. He came to our home a second time a week later and it happened again. She said she ended it with him after the second incounter, she called and told me 2 days later. I don't ever want to fool myself again.

Thanks again.

The thing that should help you and your own piece of mind is to have her give you phone recs and e-mail passwords. Only then can you be sure it's dead.

She owes this to you based on her actions. Telling you about the A was a good step, but it's not enough yet.