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judging from his reaction to my stating that he is to write the letter and delete her number and phone the Harleys TODAY, he's leaving again...
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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can i cuss here without getting thrown out?? cause i've got plenty of cuss words going through my mind right now
i'm so sorry silent
did you tell him what lousy golfer suggested? did you have a chance to read his post?
i would tell him these things before he leaves and see if they make a difference
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judging from his reaction to my stating that he is to write the letter and delete her number and phone the Harleys TODAY, he's leaving again... because .... he does not want to do what it takes to protect you ... he wants one foot in and one foot out ... do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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I told him the things that Lousygolfer suggested, and he broke completely down. He said that he feels pressured, that his timing may have been off, blah blah blah. Same [censored] different day (SSDD). He was sobbing at one point, as I held him. I told him that this is a deal breaker. He knows it is.
I asked a lot of interesting questions to which he had no real answer. I asked what he was afraid of, coming back home and to me and our M, his response, Losing what he has with her. I said that coming here definitely means the demise of himandher. I then reiterated the question, because he was talking about what he was afraid of leaving her, not coming home to me. He said he was afraid of this not working, of him not being able to love me the way I love him.
I told him that is possible, but not probable, and leave me to make the decision of what I can handle. He is AFRAID of himself. Of making the wrong decision. I told him that he was wrong to allow this OW to be exposed to him in his wayward state, and that she doesn't deserve this as much as I don't BUT I am YOUR WIFE, she is not, she chose this as much as you did. There is no more youandher.
I told him that I will listen, be there, be silent and present in his time of need during his withdrawal. I suggested that he call me when the need arises, for any reason.
He asked me why I loved him so. I told him that the man I love, well, he loved me deeply, and enhanced my happiness. He was good, and real, and funny, and sweet. I told him he could recover all of that, as well as respect of myself and many others.
I kept talking as if he were already gone, like his decision was made, and he kept saying he hasn't decided anything. I said that I have. It's NC or nothing from me. He said he needed to go to his old place (5 mins away) and pick up some things, and that he wanted to know what we wanted for dinner? He's a bit whack right now.
He asked how did this happen TO ME? I said, "you chose this to happen TO YOU, through your decisions over the last two years, and this will continue to happen until you make the right ones for you." He said, he didn't know what was right, and I said, " I think you do, and that is what the problem is..."
I wrote down what I needed in order to continue, NC letter AGAIN, no phone calls, no emails, no nuttin', Counseling with the Harleys. I haven't suggested the SWITCHING PHONES yet, but I don't really know if that's something to discuss if I'm back in Plan B tonight.
He has been reading the website and knows what he needs to do, and he knows why I've done what I've done. He knows that Plan B then Plan D at this point. He knows, and yet he struggles. I feel I've already lost, AGAIN, but, I have my self-respect and my son.
I've already had an 8 month long false recovery because I hadn't found MB; now that I have, we go no further.
Is this a normal reaction, to be so hurt by the loss of the OP, such loss that you will consider leaving everything AGAIN? I guess so, I know so, really...
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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Pep,
That's what it's all about... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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I want to compliment you
you handled yourself beautifully
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Is this a normal reaction, to be so hurt by the loss of the OP, such loss that you will consider leaving everything AGAIN? this was not ever an issue for us ... so I have NO idea ... the word "normal" never seems to fit adultery anyway ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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eav,
Thanks so much, I agree with you. I do consider this SHARK territory, and I KNEW this was coming, he did not.
He began to feel the withdrawal, and decided to just take a small hit, just a little one, y'know to let her REALLY know it's over. Well, he got it and now, well, the thrill is gone. REAL life and REAL recovery is going to be hard, OMIGOSH! RUN RUN RUN...It's his M.O.
My gut is telling me that he is going to his friends house to ask him what he thinks. His friend will then say that if he feels happier with Amy then that is where he should be. It's funny, I never thought his friend would hurt me either, but he does by harboring my H and allowing him to make the choice to abandon his family without so much as a 'SAY WHAT'! I suggested that my H call his much OLDER friend, a boss from one of his previous jobs that we are close to. I felt his advice, having been married for well over 20 years with two grown children, weathering many storms as a couple, may have more solid, EXPERIENCED advice. I'm sure he won't call..
I ended the entire conversations stating that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, that I was tired and needed a break. He then left...
Thank you all for the advice. You'll be happy to know I AM using it. I will follow through, and I have a feeling that my tattered heart will be back in Plan B, with very few questions anymore. I hope the ones I do have, you all can help me with, or talk me down.
I'm very sad right now; it's amazing how long I have allowed this pain. I will endure more before this is all over, but I will be happy again. Annie Lennox once sang, "Dying is easy, it's living that scares me, to death."
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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Oh Pep,
I needed that PEP talk. Thank you. I'm feeling quite humble right now. I knew what was coming, not because WH didn't do the things I had asked, but because he lives in fear.
He did the NC letter, he read the website, as JC suggested, the last thing was for him to call the counseling center, which JC told me to ask for, not to DEMAND, but he got a 'fix' before that happened. Now we're here...YEUCKH! The merry go round, "back where we started, here we go round again..."
I'm gettin off now...
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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he will come after you
. . . . . .
someday
. . . . . . .
might be "too late" so protect yourself with Plan B unless he really does what you've asked
((( hugs )))
Pep
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(((((((sl)))))))), I'm glad I checked in.
I can only imagine..... I am thinking of you today and praying.
Be strong, you have so much knowledge this time around that will help you, and many supporting you! You sound like you are taking this in stride.
I don't know what else to say...I am so sorry to hear this.
BREATHE!
IHC
BW 35 (Me)
WH 35
DS 11, DS 10, DD 10, DS 5, DS 3
Married 1994
Dday 7-9-06
Plan B started 12-24-06
Psalm 62:5 My soul wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him.
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I'm here..HAPPILY RECOVERED...after TWO of what you just experienced...
Certainly not saying I told you so, but do you see why the SAFEGUARDS are necessary IMMEDIATELY....
((((Silent))))
IT TAKES AWHILE FOR THEM TO BREAK AWAY..an AFFAIR IS SUCH A STRONG ADDICTION....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Disregard much of your conversation with him... The problem was the CONTACT with her..PLAIN AND SIMPLE... He will not REALLY be over her until WITHDRAWAL is over... Forget all the talking and what he is saying...it's BLAH..BLAH...BLAH... There has to be NO CONTACT FOR RECOVERY TO BEGIN... Is this a normal reaction, to be so hurt by the loss of the OP, such loss that you will consider leaving everything AGAIN? I guess so, I know so, really... Happened with my H..at least 2 times..until he DID THE HARD WORK that was NECESSARY to INSURE NO CONTACT WITH HER... After more than 3 years, he still takes PRECAUTIONS... It's an ADDICTION...RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS DO NOT GO TO BARS...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I'm really sorry for you, SL, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I'm really pulling for you.
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SL, I was really hoping this wouldn't happen even though we have seen it happen in many cases here at MB. I think you handled yourself great and I'm pulling for you.
I know how much this drains your $LB so I would agree with Pep here when she says to protect yourself. If it happens again you may have nothing left for him.
Did your WH read SAA? If not could you recommend that he read it as it might be helpful at this time.
Stay strong!
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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Personally, I think him talking to the Harleys would be a hill to die on for me. If he was maintaining NC, it would be different, but obviously his plan is not working.
I'd be back in Plan B.
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I would suggest back to DARK Plan B immediately, and the next attempt to break it, your conditions go up:
1. WS has to call Steve Harley before you will consider speaking to him (perhaps 1-2 sessions)
2. Steve Harley contacts you if he feels WS is ready for real R
With every attempt/false recovery, you are even more dark. Eventually, his desire to be with you will be stronger than the addiction. But, he needs to see how serious you are.
Any other attempts at R by WS is met by a guarded response by you.
(((Silent)))
PS You handled this very, very well. ----------------
TJ- Mimi, can you briefly explain your false recoveries? Were you in Plan B at the time? How long did they last? Any insight as to why the last time stuck?
Last edited by PopRock1; 02/11/07 10:47 PM.
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Pop:
I'm blocking on the exact timing of the events.
I tried to recall this today...but couldn't EXACTLY...
It went something like..first time..broke NC after only one week...then returned for 1 month and broke NC again..legal separation/DARK PLAN for 3 months..now REAL RECOVERY...
The answer was a DARK, DARK PLAN B..my H was a cake-eater from the very beginning and wanted to maintain contact with me throughout..he even contacted me right after we signed LS papers...did this on a Friday...together with me on that Monday....CRAZY...then I went into DARKNESS..changed my numbers..didn't answer my phone...
It must have been the PLAN B..he realized then that he did not really want to be with her...that it was an ADDICTION..so this time he TOOK EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS TO PREVENT CONTACT..STILL DOES THIS ON HIS OWN...
That's why I encourage the precautions because the OW in my situation.. went after him right away each time..Steve H said that she would...cards, phone calls, e-mails..anyway that she could find him and/or reach him to give out THE DRUG...
This last time I heard him TELL HER on the phone.."THERE WILL BE NO CONTACT FOR LIFE..I LOVE MY WIFE"..and I don't know if I'll ever forget her PLEADING and then before we could get the phone number changed there were repeated VOICEMAILS of "I LOVE YOU, I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVES YOU"...yuck..I'm sharing this to show how DESPERATE the OP can sound in their pleadings...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I have done everything that I can to give H the road map home; he needs to follow it now. I agree that Plan B is in order, and I told WH that he will either do the things listed or I will need to go back to NC with him. Plan B this evening without the commitment.
Mimi,
I wanted to say directly to you, that your advice is heard, LOUD AND CLEAR. This OW is suffering from withdrawal and he's falling in hook, line and sinker. I will not be a party to continuing his R. He's already justified it by stating that he didn't start this R until I was in Plan B and he believed WE were over. So his love for her is quite strong and real, and he's torn. Oh well, I'm not.
Wanted everybody to know that my son is doing loads better today. He stayed well hydrated, and is eating a wee bit, and he's laughing.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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I am so sorry for the pain, SL....
Until WS walks the talk.....need to 'protect' SL....PLAN B....and ditto for all the advice you have been given!
You are doing as much 'damage' control as YOU possibly can.... very proud of you!
((((((((((((((((SL)))))))))))))
XBW DS16 & DS22 PLAN D: finalized!
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