Hey Marflow,

Oh, geez, I'm sorry you are sick, hope it's nothing serious. My son has the dreaded rotavirus, so he's been in the bathroom a lot today. I'm doing okay, and I'll be taking this one moment at a time right now. Thanks for being here, now go lay down!

Get well soon, sweetie...

Thinkin' about you. You're doing great!

SDG

All of my conditions have been met, but WH is totally withdrawn, and I feel like he loathes me right now. He's also coming down with the rotavirus that DS has, so he's not too happy about being home.

Being home is rough for him right now. All of the responsiblity, the DS around ALL of the time, the dogs, the day to day duldrums. He's VERY depressed. I talked to him and asked him if he thought at least seeing his regular physician and talking to him about the problems may help. I told him about my experience with my physician; how she listened and we talked about meds and she referred me to 4 counselors. He said he was thinking of IC, but did not really connect with his former IC. I told him to ask his primary care doc for ideas.

BTW, I'm not pulling out the violins for him, but I do understand what he's thinking, his frame of mind, because, SURPRISE, I know him. He has always been 'the cup is half empty' guy, so his reaction doesn't surprise me. I guess my concern is that he will not be strong enough to get through withdrawal. He did the last time, but that was due to the OW's will-power. She went back to her H and shut him out.

My timer is going off, so i'll be back when I can, gotta go stain a gel...like you guys care

SL,

Read your post about Valentines'.

You are doing great. He asked you to come back and you gave him the conditions.

Just a pick me up. You are right and so are your boundaries.

IF THE CONDITONS ARE MET:

It's OK for YOU to be COMFORTING to him...

THERE FOR HIM..a SHOULDER TO LEAN ON..through this depression...

Funny movies..light conversation..NO RELATIONSHIP TALK...

Don't forget THE RULES..15 hours of uninterrrupted time with each other...

Thanks Frog and Mimi,

We watched a movie together last night, and other than establishing some 'ground rules' between us for communication purposes, I told him that I will be there, I will hold him when he needs it and listen when he needs to vent/talk. The pressure he is feeling is from within himself, and I cannot stop that, but I can listen.

He's so deathly afraid that he will not be able to love me, and I think that's part of what's holding him back. I guess this is normal; I feel somewhat the same, because I love him, but I wonder if we will ever be able to get on the same page enough to fall in love again. I told him if he holds to NC and spends time with me, it's going to happen. It won't always feel that way, but we will have a much deeper, more fulfilling R. The FOG is thick right now, so he still had that forlorn look.

I'm happy that I know what I want and have a roadmap to get there, now we just have to use the tools layed before us.

He's going through withdrawal right now. It's going to suck for about a month while he goes through the worst of it. If he can get through that with NC, then you will have an opportunity to start building your life together again.

Silent,

Keep it up... you're doing great. Listen to all the pro's here. you are well prepared and that means so much.

Still

Keep up the great work! It sounds like things are back on track, so I'm excited again. Depression is a terrible thing, so your gentle suggestions about getting help with it are spot on. I wouldn't push them too hard, though.

sdguy,

Yeah, no pushing, just relaying information really. Jim, it's always good to be reminded that the withdrawal process is horrid, BUT, as long as NC remains, he will get past it, and we will be able to get closer eventually.

One thing I can note to all that are following, however afraid I am of confronting each issue, I am more afraid of losing valuable ground and backsliding, so I won't. Never let the fear consume you. Always do what you know you need to or what has to be done, even if the outcome is not what YOU want, it is what YOU need.

I hope it helps to know that my H WAS EXACTLY like yours was..I would tell him that he would fall in love with me again and HE DEFINITELY HAS...

As an indication, I've been FINDING Valentine SURPRISES since Saturday..hidden around our house..yesterday he left balloons in my car..he just now brought me a STARBUCKS GIFT CARD..can't stay away from me..SO THERE YOU GO...

Thanks for that, Mimi. You're welcome on my thread any time.

Mimi, it's so great and uplifting to hear of your happiness. Congratulations on a long hard fought and won BATTLE. You two both deserve the greatest happiness.

I have mentioned this on a couple of threads. I feel so foolish about it, but I know there is a reason for it. WH is wearing a shirt that OW bought him, I think for his birthday (Dec. 26). He wore it last week, and when I saw it, I said, "Hey, that's a nice combo". He said, "Thanks, it was a gift". Then I said, "From the OW", and he said "Yes". He also wore it in a way that I have been trying to get him into for over a year now. It's the layered look. Long sleeved shirt underneath, short sleeve on top.

Why are my feelings so hurt by that [email]d@mn[/email] shirt? Anyway, I didn't say anything to him. He was leaving the house this morning, all feverish and glassy eyed, and he turned right before walking to his car and said, "Happy Valentine's Day" softly, and I said it back. I gave him a little squeeze and kissed him softly.

I'm so glad that I can come here and say these things, and I KNOW so many will understand.

it hurts b/c it don't matter what it is, a shirt, a card...it still hurts and you have a right to feel that...

It's okay, but I would recommend that you talk to him and you KNOW this...deal with it, don't push it aside...

Talk to him about the style, ask him about it, try your best to understand him...then deal with the shirt...

Now, only you can focus your thoughts on the positive...are you happy that he is dressing more style...do you like his appearance...what can YOU do to help that along? Replace the shirt with more...

It's the little things that make the difference...everyday little things...what can you do?

Act don't react!

((((((SL)))))

I agree to act and not react, and that is part of my reasoning for venting it here, to get ideas on how to move forward WITH the trigger.

I do like the way he looks, which is part of the reason I suggested the change a year ago. We were in a bad place then, and I believe it was just pure resistance that kept him from TRYING it out. Well, now he has and I do like the way it looks. He looks more his age; he would sometimes dress kind of fuddy-duddyish before, because, frankly, he didn't care much about style. Not really, not until the OW came into his life. Now, he has found that he likes to look good EVERYDAY. That's a good thing.

I will talk to him about the shirt when I can be less emotional about it. Also, while he is in withdrawal, I don't believe that much I can say will get through.

Well, I feel better already.

Now, I'm off to write some thoughts down about this most LOVING DAY.

I'd get rid of that shirt for sure...Wouldn't even talk to him about it..it would be strangely missing from the premises...

This may not be MBers' approved.

Can you believe that Mimi is saying this?

Don't tell anybody, OK?

Do with it what makes YOU feel good...Burn it..cut it to shreds..HE'LL KNOW AND UNDERSTAND..

It's DISRESPECTFUL of of you for him to me wearing it, IMO.

Oh the stuff that I have trashed..that SADE CD... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just this weekend my H noted SADE'S GREATEST HITS CD on sale as we walked by.. we both stared at it for a few seconds ..He said: "AH, SADE and kept walking..I would have pinched his BUTT if he picked it up..I bet you he could FEEL MY VIBES..."The Sweetest Taboo", my "you know what" that WOULD NOT BE PLAYED in MY HOUSE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for the opportunity to vent!

Happy Valentine's Day back at you!

SL,

It sucks but you can do something about it "in your own time"

I think the wierd thing is we know it sucks as a BS and sometimes the FWS just doesn't get it.

My FWW kept triggers around and didn't think twice about it. I told her I didn't like them and nothing.

Then finally I just asked her not to wear it around me or bring it out around me. She said I am pretty much always around you expcept when we go to work. LOL I said well exactly.

She kept arguing the significance to me. I finally said it is significant to me and it must be to you too if you are arguing about it.

For her it was not about keeping whatever it was as a reminder of the A or the OM but more to assert her independance. To not feel like she is being punished for her A. To mimimize the signigicance not post A but just what it meant during the A.

It wasn't about keeping it as a memory really.

Again please remember my posts suck now cause I am always rushin.

I posted this on the other thread too.

Frog,

I seem to remember something that was magnetized to your fridge? Is that right. What the heck was that. I remember you talking about it being a trigger, and her not caring, litterally telling you she didn't think it was a big deal. That was before you spoke the word DIVORCE. What the heck was that, again?

Mimi,

Sometimes, it's good to go with your gut. No, it isn't very MB to do that, but it was good for YOU. I don't plan on taking the shirt without him seeing it. Oh, poor SADE. She lost a potential fan by being USED and ABUSED in such a way. I will never bring her up with you, that is for sure. I will always remember posting one of her newer songs, and you being triggered. I STILL have bad feelings about that. Not because I shouldn't like SADE, just because it hurt you.

I don't believe, right now, my WH is thinking of respecting me. It still feels like he is very much about SELF. I will bring the shirt up, but I can hear his thoughts as I think. I believe I just need to speak of the hurt it causes me to be disrespected, and that would include ANYTHING that the OW has given him, that he may have brought into OUR home.

SL,

Just wanted to pop in and tell you how much I admire you. You are handling things beautifully and your FAMILY will benefit.

The shirt would be bother me too...I have no wise words for you on how to handle it, I'll leave that to the experts. But if it bothers you, DO something, don't let it fester and build into resentment. How YOU feel is important. Walking on eggshells and sweeping things under the rug will not help you in recovery. Honesty and Openness - no one ever said the truth was easy. Your WH may not understand why it bothers you, but since it does, it is important. I can almost hear my WH if we ever get to recovery and I bring something up that is a trigger...."geez, it's just a shirt". WE know it is not "just a shirt". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

SL,






Just wanted you to know HOW MUCH these comments of yours resonate....with me!