Silent:

He said this:



His 4 month long new fling?

Compared to his 10 year M?

Well BOO HOO. Cry me a river, big guy! She is sooo hurt right now.

Time to pull up the Big Boy underwear and get with the program.

Plan B.

He wanted you back. Now he has to prove it. No Fences.

HE CHOSE TO BE OVER.

With his actions.

You just decided to stop being a party to them.

And it kills the Wayward, to think that "you really don't care"

Stay strong.

Because you are worth it.

Glad the kiddo is doing well...

LG

AND...what's with him, falling "IN AND OUT OF LOVE" so easily? 4 MONTHS?????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, looks like you're a HOT topic!

Thinking of you!

HE CAN'T BE ALONE!!!!! It's times like these that I wish I could change the font here to be HUGE, so that the emphasis on the phrase matched the fear.

That's what's with him falling in and out of love so easily!!! It's not LOVE, it's FEAR!

He lives in a state of constant fear. I live WITH my fear, learn to get out of the foxhole and hit the FRONT. He can't even describe his fear. I have many names for mine, abandonment being a huge one, but I override it, and have learned as much as I can to overcome the fear, with friends, loved ones, EVERYBODY. With my Plan B I learned that the only abandonment that I really fear, is abandonment of self, by allowing myself to put up with poor treatment/abuse.

I could go on and on and on about the things that he said.

LG has great insight, he KNOWS what my WH is doing, and he knows what his recovery has looked like, and Mimi, she knows what Plan B does and how difficult it can be, and what her recovery looks like. I can't stress enough that you follow their lead. I have, and I really do feel that this huge HILL on the Coaster IS PROGRESS. It may not get the desired outcome, but it is progress.

Thanks Rin. Oh to be a HOT TOPIC for the reason of RECOVERY, slow, tedious, difficult, goodmoments/badmoments RECOVERY.

Truth is, I was settled in Plan B, I knew how I felt everyday, and didn't have to consider ANYONE else. It became easy, compared to getting back on this RIDE.

When I asked WH what he feared being here, and he finally answered the ACTUAL question, I told him that my fears are just the same, that we won't be happy together, that this M will be over, that there is no rainbow and no pot of gold, HOWEVER, the time that we have together, the child we have together, the home, the dogs the memories and our love, well, I feel it's all worth putting this first, until those fears and questions are answered.

I said, REALLY, what harm will it do to reach for the stars here. The only thing he could respond with was losing Amy. I told him there are many Amy's out there who will be along when you are DIVORCED or I'm DEAD. But, there will never be another ME...

WONDERFUL!!

Silent:

I loved this:



You Go Girl!

SL,

Wow don't log on for a few days and all heck breaks lose.

It sounds to me like you have your head on pretty straight. I think in your heart you knew this was a possibility and have handled it well because of that.

I think being here and seeing how many times, like in Mimi's case NC is broken made you well aware of it.

Now remember no backsliding. Looks like you know that too. YOu have your conditions and if he doesn't meet them you know what to do.

I read the part about knowing what each day held in Plan B and then you agreed to the R Ride. Don't push him but remind him.

You were happy without him, when he had an OW. You can be happy with him as long as you are the only woman in his life. He makes the choice.

I quit smoking in October. Geez for some reason last week I wanted a smoke like you couldn't believe. I knew better. One smoke would have eventually put me right back at a pack a day.

((((((SL))))))

I have no advice for you but wanted to join in and offer my support.

I am so impressed by you. Keep up the good work. There is only one YOU. And YOU are important.

Glad your son is feeling better. Must be due to the excellent care from his MOM.

I quit smoking in October. Geez for some reason last week I wanted a smoke like you couldn't believe. I knew better. One smoke would have eventually put me right back at a pack a day.


I quit smoking about two weeks before I conceived my DS (Aug. 2001). I have always known that I am a SMOKER, just a simple fact. I have a PROBLEM. It's like that LAYS commercial, you can't have just one!? I CAN'T have just one, one hit and I'm a smomker AGAIN.

For me, quitting was not so much about willpower, but about my REASONs. I wanted my DS to grow up in a smokeless home (my WHOLE family smoked--recently, my dad, camel non-filters, quit). The temptation is far too easy to justify when your parents smoke. I was also coughing up icky stuff, and I was only 29, GROSS. And, and this is a big AND, I was ashamed for people to know that I smoked. I felt GUILTY, like I was some anomoly.

Whew, I haven't really talked that much about quitting before. The point is, NOW, 5+ years later, I'm very happy that I quit. I have my days, but I never succomb, because I make myself fully aware of the CONSEQUENCES, which involve more than JUST ME.

WOW, I'm really impressed...I wish people would treat smoking like they do alcoholism...

I have NO will-power...say I want to quit, and then turn right around and so it anyway...it's my disease...

Well, I'm reading some great stuff about you and you'll be fine...from what I see...you have been in a better place than me from jump...you'll be just great!

Keep up the great work!

Rin,

When I finally, really, truly quit smoking (I had ATTEMPTED to before), I didn't give myself any excuses. I CHOSE to do it. I continue to CHOOSE to do it every day. I don't consider quitting the last battle, I consider the battle daily. It's a CHOICE everyday. I hope, for myself and my family, that I can continue the fight. It has gotten oodles easier over the years, and I AVOID the things that would make it easy for me to choose to cave.

I guess that's what people talk about here, about A's and when they FINALLY chose to end them and take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to avoid them. That's when you are a recovering addict, when you know that you ARE VULNERABLE, every day, every hour.

Rin, it's not will-power, it's just an ongoing choice, minute to minute. Most days are easy peasy, but there are those temptations.

Think about what lures you into drinking/smoking/drugging. I've found that some of the people that I surround myself with will actually push the drug of choice on me, and say, 'hey, you're having a cocktail, what's the harm in a smoke to go along', or they will elude to it being okay, by stating that THEY can just have one while at happy hour, but they don't do it all of the time. ADDICTS of any kind will feed on the weaker ones, so that they have someone to do it with, to justify their reasons. 'Well, WE were hanging out at the club, and we both like cocaine, so I thought, what the heck, let's do a line together, expereince the fun together, and that'll be it'. I've heard it and seen it too many times to count.

I don't make choices based on a moment. I wait, and I put real thought into things. Now, if I have to make a spur of the moment decision, I do, but I use what I have experienced to make that decision. If someone, who doesn't know that I can't have just one, offers me a smoke, I remember the chunks of stuff I used to hack up daily, and the constant clearing of my throat during the day that made me sound like an old lady. Then I say, 'No thank you'.

My WH started smoking during our intial false recovery, not much, mostly when having a drink, and I loathed it. I became a smoking GESTAPO, and would hassle him about his choice whenever I got a chance. NOW, I tell him that I don't want it around my son or myself. I can choose to sit with him and talk, but he actually asks if his smoking will bother me. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no, my choice...BUT a BOUNDARY for me in regards to my SON, NO SMOKING!

SL,
I was praying that this R wouldn't be a false one for you. I've been following your thread. I think I will be in Plan B in the next few weeks also. I hope I am as strong as you are.
I had quit smoking when I got married and only smoked occasionally when I was around others and we were having cocktails. Started full blown smoking againwhen I found out about my H first A, And had trouble quitting after that. I finally quit last July (right before I found positive proof for 2nd A) and haven't smoked since. My DD19 told me I should quit because pretty soon they would have only me as a parent because Dad was to busy with his MOW.
That they needed me... whay can I say I did.

Still

Good for you still, try to remember that it's for YOU to quit too, good lungs, good health and great smelling. No brown streaks running down your bathroom walls or on mirrors and doors and walls, EWWWWWWWWWWY.

I have been reading up on you, but I sometimes feel like I don't know enough to respond. I'll just be sure to say that I'm listening and hang in there from now on. If I have something to say, I'll say it.

Thanks SL

I'm going to be updating my thread really soon just have to put it all together. Have been having all sorts of emotions... feeling week, feeling strong. I wish the strong would stay longer.
I keep trying to rationalise why I want myWH back when he has done this before and probably will do it again to some one else. I just don't understand.

PS. Was a closet smoker.... didn't think my kids knew! Wrong

Still

Ok, I just started typing about how I have been so busy the quality of my posts suck. So here I go and get busy again and accidently log out and kill the post. LOL

I meant to tie the smoking thing into the NC thing. But I sent everyone off on a tangent about smoking. NOt my intention.

But since everyone here was a sinful smoker LOL you know that it is like the draw of that nice puff of a smoke after ......

I believe the OP is just like that.

SL again I applaud you for YOUR transformation. You are stronger and can handle this.

I could say more but then again I will send you guys off on another tangent.

No, not tangent, I totally got the reference.

That's why I went into detail about the smoking analogy. It makes perfect sense. If I smoke I will be a SMOKER, If a SPOUSE contacts (takes a puff) the OP, they are WAYWARD, there is no middle ground.

SL,

See I told you my posts suck. LOL.

That is exactly it. I think the willpower it takes are in proportion to what you gain by stopping.

Right. I quit because last year I helped with baseball. I was outta breath etc.

So I knew I needed too and what I had to gain was playing with my kids etc.

So when I wanted to quit I always had my kids as the carrot. My FWW was the stick LOL.

But I agree with you regarding the extraordinary effort. It is necessary and it will take willpower. But he should focus on what he is gaining not what he is giving up.

HOpe that makes sense.

Makes great sense!

Look, I KNOW how hard this is going to be for him. Not in that condescending sort of "I know what you're going through, geesh!"

I KNOW the pull, I know it to the core. I understand it. I have seen MANY people succomb to their vices, MANY, including my mother, and I did too (with smoking). I quit, then I smoked, then I found good, solid, real, rewarding reasons and have stuck by them, and THEN QUIT. I haven't looked back since. I may have sulked when others around me smoked or even become angry, but I never made the decision to start again.

(((((SL)))))

I'm sorry to hear about the recent turn.

I've been lurking but not posting because I'm sick.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm am here with you.

Your family is in my prayers.

Stay strong