i would ask him not to wear the shirt again silent and tell him that it hurts you

and he if does, that is showing complete disrespect

that is NOT aceptable from someone who says they want to try to work things out with you

remember HE is to be trying to protect YOUR feelings too!

remember

care
protection
honesty
time

BOTH of you must commit to these for recovery to be successful

I do plan on telling him that when he wears that shirt, I feel disrespected. I'm trying to think of a good way to say it. I don't want to have any LB withdrawals over this. I have been placing deposits while taking care of him yesterday. He spiked a terrible fever, very weak, and I took care of him, advised him on meds, and brought things to him.

He spiked another fever last night, and was shivering uncontrolably, so I got up at ~1am and got him another blanket, turned the heat up and administerd some Ibuprofen.

Then he gets up a bit late, showers, and puts on that shirt.

I will ask him to not wear it again...whether he will or not is to be seen..

Hi SL,

(a)

(b)
I would go with (a) and let him figure out the rest...

.....as (b) sounds to me would be a demand!?!! ...and then what would you do if he doesn't????

...Just my .02!

Thanks Luna, I'm still pretty new at this, but I have done pretty well so far, using 'I' statements.

SL,

It was a picture of her and my OS at his B Day party. She had her A on a trip back to see her family for a month. Things happened that night the next day etc.

I wanted no reminders of the Trip. She realized the significance later of course. Again that's why I say what I do.

After the MC talked about it etc She realized it sucked big time.

That is when they came to the conclusion she just tried to minimize things to her actions didn't seem so bad. I don't know that I am articulating this well though.

She also had outfits and stuff from the trip. I wanted none of the momentos in my home.

They are all gone now.

I am happily married. Things are great but it took the D talk to get it done.

Remember though I took a different course then most.

My FWW was an alcoholic. I couldn't really plan B because I would have to leave the home, she wouldn't. I didn't get here until over 2 years after the A. Etc.

I think the boundary thing is a good idea.

I knew it was a picture! Sometimes, I wish my memory wasnt' so bad, and sometimes, I have to admit, I'm grateful for it...

Talk about mixed blessings...

LOL. I wish my memory wasn't so good.

Mine is really good. But it wasn't just the picture. She had outfits etc. Just like your WH.

She said she didn't keep them to hurt me etc. Who knows. I just know that as a BS I place more significance on it then she did.

She didn't like the out come though. I was triggered then the ensuing feelings caused her discomfort.

At the end of it I finally got my point across. But she took the picture down before I decided on a D.

I think I decided on the D because of her lies. But those too are now gone.

I just got off of the phone with my older sister. I was just calling to ask her about her recent trip to see her boyfriend (long distance R right now). Seems things were short BUT SWEET for them.

She then asked me how things were here, and I told her about WH's withdrawal. To which she said, "He needs to just get over it!" I tried to explain to her what he may be experiencing, which calmed her down a bit. She has been very supportive of me all of this time, in my pursuit to save my M, but she doesn't quite understand why he would have written me the letter that he did, but still have doubts and be fogged and heartbroken.

I find in these times, when I'm explaining the situation as it has been layed out here for all of us, that I grow. She asked me how I felt right now, and I said, surprisingly OK. Not great, not bad, but OK. She wonders how I can sit and watch this and be OK. I don't really have a sound answer for that. I can only say that it's the way I feel right now, and that this is inevitable in the recovery process.

Although this is very difficult, none of the whole process has been easy (for me) and I don't expect it to be. Maybe that's the problem with people who haven't experienced exactly this, infidelity and the attempt to recover a M; they cannot understand it until experienceing it. Instant gratification still rules their lives. I used to be one of those people that thought either R's worked or they didn't and then when they didn't, well, it's okay to end them. BOY, was I WRONG.

It takes a lot of integrity to do what we've all done here (BS's and FWS's).

i would not say "disrespected" i would say "it HURTS me when you where that shirt"

Honey, you may not know it, but everytime you wear that shirt it hurts me deeply. Ms.POS gave you that shirt and I feel disrespected as your wife when I see it.--suggested by Maybe2late

This was a suggestion from Rinder's thread about the valentines day lump in the throat...

I like the approach. It states the pain and where it comes from (FEELING disrespected--my reaction to the wearing of the shirt).

I think the household is finally beginning to emerge from the mungfung that has had us in it's grips all week. My son is not vomitting anymore, so that's good. Seems WH has no more symptoms, either. It's been a rough week. I was home Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I spent some time with my sister today. She asked me what my WH got me for Valentine's Day. I told her, 'Nothing', and she got a bit angry. She said that she didn't get it. For someone who wanted to come here, and to be with me, he sure isn't showing it. I tried to explain about withdrawal, and she cringed. She said she couldn't believe I was putting myself through all of this, having to deal with my WH being in love with another woman. I told her I didn't like it either, but it's something that all couples attempting to recover from infidelity have to do.

She's really upset, and rightly so, as she is my older sister, and despite our struggles, has always been very protective of me. She is still supportive. But the conversation with her has left drained, and a bit sad. I realize that he didn't get me anything, and I do feel a bit ignored, but he also had a fever and was shaking uncontrollably the night before, and had to go to work sick on Valentine's day. I'm certainly not making excuses, but I'm sure he was thinking of OW that day.

She fears that WH is only here to keep his house, afraid that his lawyer told him to do it. Well, I told her that this is a no fault state, and that the assets would be equally devided between us, so living here would not change that. I told her that my worry is that he may be living here out of fear, instead of commitment. I guess I am beginning to question his motives, too, otherwise I would not be posting this.

It's just been a horrible week, but I noticed since I told WH of my conditions for recovery, and he's done them, he has been distant. He hasn't really embraced me since Sunday, but I'm trying to put everything into perspective. He's been ill as well as our son, and he's going through withdrawal all at the same time. I'm really just venting, looking for others' perspectives.

I

It's really hard when everyone around you wants you to give up hope and move on. This becomes the only place you can vent, and this place, while great, is not the same as a warm body and hug. After my WW had OM over again (without his kids), my mom may have had it. It's getting close to the point-of-no-return for her, I'm afraid. And so now I'm leery of talking about stuff with my mom because I don't know how much she can support my Plan B anymore.

I wish I knew what the answer was.

Just tell yourself that others will see how right this is in a few months...or longer. They can't see it now because his behavior doesn't show the kind of remorse that they think he should have. That will come with time.

As to the shirt, my gut feeling is to say, "It kills me to see you wearing that shirt!!" The fact that he can't see what's wrong with wearing that shirt around you is just another bit of evidence as to where his head is at right now. He will see, someday. Someday he will be kicking himself for that and a hundred other little (and big) injustices he committed towards you.

Take care...hang in there...it seems to get worse before it gets better, but at least the process is started!!!

Silent:

Older sisters!

EEEKKK!

She has her points. But they are uninformed to a certain extent. She really doesn't have the MB prism to filter what what you are trying to do.

I wanted to explore this:



What do you think he is fearing?

Loss of you?
Loss of his son?
Loss of his self-respect?
Or something else.

Commitment? From a wayward point of view, we have to be careful with that one...

As for this:



Why? He did do the things required. How did you say thank you? What do you think it would take to get him to close some distance?

Have you tried to embrace him? Has he declined your attempts?

I know, sometimes all you want to do is vent.... and her I come with a bunch of questions.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Try and stay warm! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LG

silent

in MD, spouses must live separate for 1 year IF they BOTH agree to D or 2 years if only one wants a D before they can file unless they have grounds for D. YOU have grounds to file anytime (the A) but he doesn't.

the minute he spent even one night at your h, the time just started over

(didn't know if you knew this)

just in case information BUT you've got lots of reason to believe he won't!

LG, thank you for checking in on this today.

Hmmm, what is he fearing. Many things, especially the loss of his son, the loss of me, definite loss of respect from others. I don't think he has much self-respect right now as evidenced by him asking me why I would love him now, and why do I love him through all that he has done.

When I asked him what he feared, coming home and working on the marriage, his first response was losing the love of the OW. Then I asked it again, and he said not being able to love me as much as I love him, not being able to love me. I told him that opening up to me is a choice, and he can, to some extent, begin to choose that now by respecting me.

He's been distant, I cannot say why. He's also been ill. I have kissed him and he kisses back, but he doesn't initiate anything, not like last week, but last week was sort of a high for the both of us. We were both just so happy to see each other again, no real work or real life had interferred, YET.

This week has been all reality. My son being SUPER sick, WH becoming ill himself. Having to stay home with him a couple of days, having to take care of the dogs, having to go through withdrawal. Also, I haven't made any moves toward intimacy due to the illness. I did take great care of WH while he has been ill. He has not declined my attempts. I guess I'm really just venting.

There is still a mountain of things for me to get over, and rejection is a HUGE sore spot for me. In the past, I saw inactivity TOWARD me (hugging, kissing, talking) as rejection. Yesterday, we hung out in the kitchen while I talked of work, made dinner, and had a drink. I don't want to go backwards.

I haven't really said 'Thank you', but I have been loving, and kind. I haven't been talking R talk all week, just taking care of his aches and pains, listening when he talks. He has an appointment with Jennifer C. Sunday night. I think that I will feel better once he has spoken to someone.

I see that I really am a huge part of recovery, and that requires that I show love and that I do my part. I also have to enforce boundaries and be open about the things that hurt me. I am doing it, but V-E-R-Y cautiously and slowly. I'm just feeling down, and trying to work through my fear today.

Wow, thanks eav.

I knew about the one year separation point, as I was thinking of filing this July (while in Plan B). I was really ready to let go.

Now, I think my old fears are cropping up. Anything I asked for in our false recovery was met with disdain, so I think I have my guard up. It's normal, and I know that I should be guarded, but I don't want to keep from telling him the things that hurt me, or the things that I need in order to recover.

He is being honest about his whereabouts, and calling when he's coming home. It's early, yet, but he seems to be on track with the program. It's just my old fears, I think.

Fiat, and sdguy,

Thank you for recognizing my vent and helping me to see that there are MANY here that completely understand the undertaking of recovery.

I think my fear is what is bothering me, and coming here helps me to ferret it out.

I will reread what LG had to say, so that I keep things in perspective. My WH's actions have been true to recovery. I don't expect him to be shmoopy with me right now. I think I will let him know that I have been feeling apprehensive today, and I will thank him for his honesty.

the 2years starts over if you have SF also.

my neighbor and i had a plan

i was going to knock my H over the head and when he was passed out, stip his clothes off and pounce on him

my neighbor was going to come over with a video cam so we could record it and show the date on the video so i could start the 2 years over!

oh well, good plan but we never got the chance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey LG and eav,

REALFEEL temp outside is a lovely 15 degrees F. Sounds like a good night for junkfood and wine...