hot chocolate with a shot of Bailey's!

OMG, eav, that is HILARIOUS, but I would be surprised if you had to knock him out! I'm sure you are a KNOCKOUT yourself!!!

You're an inspiration, SL. Keep it up.

SL, I am flippin' out, I got the exact same thing for VD...wearing the hoe's shirt...I handled it with the class of a turd, however and threw the WS out of my abode...that she had barged into....oh, do I have to learn from you!!!! the power you have is strong and you use it well.

I can't talk about my plan B anymore, and honestly I haven't even told anyone i am in it. mostly people don't understand me, they see my plan B as "I'm moving on" its hard to explain that I still love her and will give her a chance when she is ready to work on it. theye either think I am a fool for hanging on, or I am strong and getting on with my life. you are right when you say, no one who has not been here can understand the range of fear and emotion.

I, will, however, say that I can tell from talking to someone immediately by their reaction that they have been through an A. those have been the people who have called out of the blue, may have been only acquaintances, or distant friends, and after hearing the news, have come out of the wood work to support me. the response was heartfelt and meant so much.

SL< I meant what I said, you are strong as an OX. gosh I hope I have the tenacity, I hope I get the chance to show it!!!

SL...my hat's off to ya' gal! I've said it before and I'll say it again...You've got class!

proud to know you!To share life with you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Silent,

Just wondering how things are going for you. I know I think of you every day.

Still

hey silent,

you haven't been letting us know if it's going okay!

Silent, how are you?

Silent,

Sending good thoughts your way. Hoping no news is good news.

Still

I'm so sorry, everybody. I have been reading pretty regularly, but have not had much to report.

I was thinking of getting a post in today, anyway, so here goes.

It's now almost three weeks together. The very first week, it was euphoric, we were touching and hugging, he was smiling, SF abounded.

During week one, WH met with OW for lunch. I didn't find out until end of week one (already spoke to y'all about this one). I wrote down my conditions for continuing in recovery with WH. He sobbed, cried, oh, whoa is me'ed, how did I get here?, how did this happen to me? and all that jazz. He called for counseling appointment for Sunday, the 17th.

Week two,

Both DS and WH became ill, so absolutely NO progress between the two of us. The weekend was pretty much a wash. WH did some break work on his car, and was exhausted from being ill, so he fell asleep Saturday night. He was also called in by work and had to spend a good part of the afternoon there. Then Sunday night he had his appointment with Jennifer.

Week three,

No time to even speak this week, as he has a HUGE deadline for his web page and has been spending time on that at home and at work (earlier hours, and some later). We haven't spent much time talking. We did speak about his friend that called me in December. His friend had an affair and is no longer with his wife, but said that he 'tried', blah blah blah. I spoke to WH and told him that I believed that his friend had made a huge mistake by not riding the storm out with his wife.

We spoke about the importance of our son growing up in a two parent environment. We spoke about the damage that my WH's mother's death did to him, and about his upbringing and the affair that his adoptive mother had (his grandmother). We spoke about how his parents died when he was young, and his real father killing himself. We spoke about a lot.

Still no affection, some kisses in the morning and before bed (the kisses before bed initiated by me). Again, this week is sort of a wash too. I am looking to spend some time this weekend with him. I will talk about his counseling appointment, and then just hang out, maybe shoot some pool or watch movies, etc.

I wish that I had something a little more inspiring to write. I can tell you that, right before WH got sick last week, we went out to dinner (when he revealed that he had met with OW). He said something that I've read here before, he said he felt like he was 'cheating' on OW. That hit me pretty hard. I think that was what the initial 'thrill' was for him being with me. He felt like he was 'cheating'. Yuchk!

If any vets read this, does this sound normal in terms of the beginning of withdrawal? LG, Mimi, Orchid, Pep...?

ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY SURE OF NC WITH THE OW? NC LETTER? NUMBERS CHANGED, BLOCKED E-MAIL? I don't like the part of still feeling like he's cheating. He should have agreed to NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with her....

Sleeping in the SAME BED?

It's really essential to adhere to the FOUR RULES.. including 15 hours of uninterrrupted time with each other...How's that going?

What about KISSES...GOODBYE and HELLO?

Oh, when he said he felt like he was cheating on OW, it was before he wrote NC letter, that was when I told him that NC LETTER was a condition of recovery, THEN he did it.

He has not said anything of the kind since then. He is AWARE of NC for LIFE. He's been calling me daily to let me know of his whereabouts.

I don't FEEL any pit-of-my-stomach stuff, just day in day out, no big changes. Again, the lack of 15hrs (more like maybe 10 last week- due to illness) may have slowed us down a bit.

I guess a good question of you would be whether or not you felt your H showing you OODLES of affection in the early weeks - 1st month of recovery? I still feel he is alienesque. He's there, and we do have some R talk, but he's not there, y'know? I'm curious... (he gives me a kiss before leaving each day, and looks me in the eye, but he looks very sad/morose)

What helped ME was to think of it as PLAN A FOR LIFE..although it's RECOVERY and not PLAN A in the true sense....

When I felt down about my H's lack of responsiveness early on, I FOCUSED ON WHAT I COULD DO...which was to MEET HIS PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS...and then slowly but surely as he came out of withdrawal he began to meet more and more of mine AND TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN...

I really believe in the LOVE BANK ANALOGY....

So spending time with him..no R talk..meeting THOSE NEEDS..ALL CRUCIAL...

You didn't answer my question about sleeping with him in the same bed..because that meets ALL KINDS OF NEEDS AT ONCE....

Sorry Mimi,

We must have posted at the same time, I missed your questions about kisses and bedtime.

We ARE in the same bed, have been since day one (except for when my DS slept with daddy when he was sick, I had to work the next day--shorter trip to the bathroom for my son that night). We go to bed at the same time. WH comes home and doesn't spend all night on the computer (as he used to). WE talk about work, our day. No SF since NC letter, but we kiss every day, and no R talk. I think of this part of recovery as Plan A also, and that has helped me to understand my role.

He has been much better with our DS, and that meets my number 1 emotional need, family involvement (subject to change as we become closer--probably change to affection, although affection may be a very close second to family).

I guess I feel, deeply, the distance between us right now. It's palpable. I am doing Plan A (Plan R). I don't feel a lack of love, I just feel distant, but I am working to bridge the gap.

Your response helps me to put things into perspective. Not many people discuss EARLY recovery, and withdrawal, so it helps me to know what the DYNAMIC between spouses is at that point.

SL.

I just want you to know that you are in my prayers and I think you are doing a great job. Your H will soon see what a wonderful person he has married.
I hope some day I get to go through what you're going through (recovery)

Still

Do you have a KING SIZED BED? We don't and there's lot of opportunity to SNUGGLE with him or even just to touch him..just by BEING THERE....

What do you do about DRESSING in the morning? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

In other words, how modest are you? Don't be if you are... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

SUBTLE SEDUCTIVENESS...

No modesty here, Mimi

I have actually grown from a place where I used to be more modest. I enjoy scantilly clothed bedtime. I also enjoy the lingerie much more than when I was in my twenties. Also, my WH always loved my goofiness, y'know, like dancing for no real reason, acting, self depricating humor. I enjoy being a goof, so I've been doing that more lately. He laughs and that is good...

Stillhurting, just keep chugging along, working to stop D process (if that is what you want). I can tell you, this part of the process really does feel like Plan A again, without the OP to get in the way. The same work must be done.

I try to think of being the light, bright person that I used to be, and emulate that, even when I'm down or feeling rejected, I hug him, give him a kiss, tell him a story or just sit close. I am learning that my feelings are temporary, and CAN be under my control, to some extent. I have tried to take action and not be REACTIONARY. This one is tough.

Plan B really did help me with perspective, and showed me that the work I had to do was tough, but my WH had more of an uphill battle no matter what he chose. I'm happy that he chose me, but I realize what he has to deal with being here, and it must be so difficult. I'm not coddling him, or saying that what he chose to do with the last 2 years of his life is alright, not by any means. I am saying that I have empathy. I don't use kid-gloves. I am direct, but softly so.

Thank you all for being MY lighthouse. I will continue to work hard, ask questions, and just let you know what this is like, so that maybe, someone reading this will ask more questions, and be prepared.

Keep it up, SL....

He is noticing..just like in PLAN A....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SL,

This is my third try on posting this.

So I am going to make it short and sweet.

Good dang Job.

I found being the person my FWW fell in love with difficult.

I think inherintly a BS thinks they were doing a lot wrong and they need to change. LOL.

Isn't that what the reason we were given for the FWS A.

I changed a lot. I wasn't myself. Now I am myslef again.

Maybe a BS didn't meet all of the FWS or WS needs but a complete personality makeover isn't necessary.

I like who I was and am. I am a funny intelligent person that tries to maintain control of his senses.

I am even keeled never too high and never too low.

That is who I was when my FWW met me.

Then I added on to that. A great father, and a great provider.

I stopped being that person because that was the person she cheated on.

What a darn conundrum.

But you have figured out to be true to who you are and you are strong enough to know that being true to yourself leads to self love and self respect.

Good for you.

If this doesn't make sense it is because I am all over the place today but I wanted to post to you.