yes, he is...because of all that time that he has been fogged out. I try to imagine that starting withdrawal for WH must be like after D-day for the BS. he is just beginning...and he has choices to make....

YOU take care of YOU...I agree with wild horses...what about giving it another day or two to let you get your bearings....so you don't react to the pain he is causing you.

keep on fighting...you've got the strength of ten grinches.

LG-------GO ARMY!!!

Strivin---I, too, admire those who serve for their country. You join, bright eyed and idealistic, and when you get there, they dismantle that, and then help you to build a positive, forward thinking individual. You are not cookie cutter either. Everyone still maintains themselves, but are more true. Some become more outspoken and strong (think Private Benjamin). I think of my time there as character building, and as a place to learn my weaknesses and celebrate my strengths. It was really good for me. I made some very special friends there. I learned a lot about myself.

Mimi, the first thing I said was that he has had contact. I didn't ask, I just said it. I also told him that the door is not locked, barred, or blocked, that he is free to go be with OW. He didn't really have much to say, except he didn't think it (recovery, withdrawal) would be this hard. I'm playing everything differently than I did last year. There is no begging, no pleading, just conversation, stating how I feel, then listening to him, allowing his reaction or allowing his train of thought. I may counter or say that I disagree, but I can see where he comes from. I'm listening, and I allow him to tell me when I'm being disrespectful and I apologize and form a new way of thinking that same thought without disrespect. I'm learning, too.

Frog,
I addressed his decision making skills right now, and asked if he had confidence in this decision. I just let him think on that one, didn't really expect an answer.

Fighting, I will take care of me, and I don't plan on rushing anything. I choose marriage, so this decision is WH's, and that scares him.

WH went to pick up some sushi, and we are going to have dinner soon. I LOVE Sushi. He gave me a very solid, strong hug and kissed me before leaving ( I initiated, he was very reciprocal---I'll take that at face value, no interpretation). I will be back, when I can. YOU ALL inspire me to continue and to learn and be the light...

I think you are doing WONDERFULLY under the most UNBEARABLE CONDITIONS...

I want you to know that...

Praying for you and your WH.

IHC

I can't tell you how much admire you, SL. And a protein chemist, too? I'm organic, myself.

Keep up the great work.

SL,

I'm so sorry this is happening... you sound very strong. Keep it up. Know we are all praying for you.

PS..Sushi... I just can't imagine eating raw fish!

Still

Still,

The only RAW fish that I like is Tuna, and only in small doses, otherwise I like the rolls. I do like spicy tuna roll (raw). Smoked eel is yummy, and the fresh stuff like avacado rolls and california rolls are delightful. I don't like salmon much; I have a problem with food texture. If it is a little too slimy or tough or mushy, I can't eat it. My son is the same way; it's wacky! BUT, after I saw the movie "Alive" I decided that my food pickiness would have to take a back seat if I was going to survive a plane crash in the mountains...

No talking last night. He was VERY tired, and apologized for wanting to go to sleep (9PM). I said that was fine, he needed to rest. He said his anxiety was getting the best of him. I agreed that his week has been very stressful, and he fell asleep.

Inreferance to the movie Alive... I guess when you get hungry enough you' eat anything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Not talking last night at least gives you more time to get focused...although you seem very focused now.

I had asked LilSis on her thread but I'll ask you. When you went into PLan B did you feel like it was exactly what your WH wanted. Not to have to deal with you, Pretend that he was actually free (although being M never stopped them)
I just have the feeling that it's not going to help... and I don't want to go in with that attitude because if you think you will fail you will.

Still

Still,

When I entered Plan B, it was for me, not against WH. He was not willing to commit to our M. Plan B is for YOU. Please try to think of it that way. You will restore yourself. You are exhausted right now, emotionally battered.

When I entered Plan B, I did feel that WH would rather just be with the OW, and be relinquished of guilt. Well, Plan B leaves all of the guilt with them to deal with; no help from me, no excuses from me, nothing from me. I think many a WS, initially, feel freed. There were some things that my WH has told me since coming home. One thing was that he thought about me (Plan A works!), and he did miss me. He missed his son, his home, his life.

Now, he misses the OTHER life, the place where he could put off dealing with everything.

You have done so much work to restore your M. One thing I don't think you have done is Plan B. Plan B will help YOU. The desperation that you feel will fade and you will think much more clearly. I know that you want to hear about miraculous recovery after Plan B. Still, it is more work, more PlanA, but, with Plan B behind you, you are steady, calm, READY for recovery. You are also not AFRAID to move on either, because you KNOW that you will be okay, no matter what...

Silent,

Thanks I really needed that this am. It's hard to realize it's about me when I feel everything I have been focusing on is him. Sometimes I even feel like I'm neglecting my kids. Like I'm not completely emotinally there for them.

I'm probably not ready emotinally for R... I hope your right that Plan B will help that. It just doesn't seem like WH misses anything about home. Oh he sometimes talks the talk but his actions speak much louder.

You're right I want that miraculous (sp) recovery so bad I can taste it. All though deep down I know somewhere deep inside I will make it either way.

Still

also...Plan B will help you to quiet yourself, and you will be able to focus more on the day to day stuff, especially your kids. It will take some time, but you WILL feel better.

sl..you are my hero...you are sooo wise..those WS's are such escape artists...you seem very controlled...kudos to you...and your strength.




still...you believe that you will be ok either way...but plan B is about knowing you will be ok...feeling that control over your life....I have been in plan B for only a few weeks, and the difference is noticeable...I have to say I am surprised....its still hard, but in a controlled type of way.

FB,

Thanks... I need to hear that from as mant as possible. I can tell myself that the thing is I really have to believe it.

I am so ready to be there... not that I see WH very much anyway. Haven't heard his voice for almost 2 days.

One more week for me.. I'm planning on giving him the PBL after our daughters performance or son's hockey game next Sunday.

Have afeeling I won't have any chance to Plan A at all this last week. He's going to be getting letter from my attorney which isn't going to make him happy at all.

Still

Hi SL,

...just got caught up on your thread....

...sorry to hear about the turn of events...I know it's not what you wanted...

...but you sound strong...determined...with a clear mind... and I agree with many of your observations and insights...

...I think you ARE being the 'light' to your WS... and it's all you can do and be....

yes...recovery is hard...and I do believe a WS when first chooses it... may be overwhelmed by how hard it is...

..but then again....just about anything in life that is 'worth' anything involves effort.... and some people may choose NOT to pursue it in order to NOT make the effort....

...a WS would like it both ways...it's the cake-eating...recovery of M and family with NO effort.....

...but that's just not the reality.....choosing the OW is choosing to NOT want to face the reality.....

...but...as the saying goes.... you can run but you can't hide....

.... I think you are doing great with a WS that is 'waffling'.... it's a tough gig...a very thin line....trying to stay 'detached' enough to speak your truth and not let WS destabilize you....but 'attached' enough to want to recover your M and family....

....I think you are awesome...keep up the good work!

((((((((((SL))))))))))))

SL:
I wanted to thank you for throwing your good wishes and wise counsel to me today. I have been reading your thread for some time and watching your progress...the ups and downs...from afar, without posting.

Some of it is painful to read because the feelings are so familiar, and you articulate them so well.

I admire the calm serenity that comes through in your posts. You seem so centered...not always sure of what will happen...but certain of your SELF. After all you've been through...I am in awe of you.

Even this latest "drama," you take it with such grace. I have much to learn from you.

Again...thanks for checking in. (((SL)))

LilSis

I LOVE SUSHI, and sashimi, and will eat it ALL!!!!!

Glad things are going as well as possible. I would let WH know that the cage door is open. But do tell him that you hate like H*LL to lose a marriage when the chances of the OW and him being happy together are a documented <3%.

Wow SL....have you grown in your POV. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I love the way you clarify the true position of a BS in plan B.

Excellent post!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thank you all for checking in.

LilSis, Plan B WORKS! 'Nough said! You will be stronger.

Luna, it is a tough gig, but I'm more than willing to hear the answers to my queries. So far, none have come, but the tension is THICK. He is having a hard time. WH THOUGHT he had made up his mind, until I was allowed to SPEAK. Then, he said that he didn't know what to do. Back to CONFLICT is fine with me. The fact that he asked to speak again the evening after our conversation, and then HE didn't says that he is, himself, conflicted. I would much rather he remain HERE while conflicted than to give up on his M for NO SANE REASON.

I mentioned to him that making these HUGE decisions based solely on a feeling is dangerous. I think it's dangerous to try to decide such things when FEAR is your constant companion.


Orchid, Thanks bunches! Was it you who posted yesterday about your hectic life and exhaustion that you were feeling. I think it was. I can relate to your job being a drag. I love who I work with and the work I do, but could do without the constant drama. I work for a small company, and things can be a bit too personal when an employee is unhappy. We don't have any HR, so there isn't any place to go with problems, except the top, and the boss tends to take EVERYTHING personally. I may be near then end of my rope there, too. Dunno, we'll see. Hey, I found that job when I was lookin'; and now, I have soooo much more experience.

Feeling low today. A bit deflated. No touches, no hugs, no kisses. WH is really being hit hard. I'm just on the periphery, patiently waiting. I am concerned about finances, but I faced that before and I'll do it again if I MUST. We'll see.

This is Mimi feeling YOUR PAIN, recalling more than one FALSE RECOVERY...

I'm going to make A STRONG STATEMENT....

YOU WILL NOT RECOVER IF THERE IS ANY CONTACT WHATSOEVER with her...

Make this a nonegotiable boundary..for him to definitely provide proof of NO CONTACT...

If there is, I think YOUR RECOVERY EFFORTS are wasted...

Sorry, SL...

Sending you love and prayers....

((((Silent))))

Sorry you're feeling down today. Just know that we are all here if you need to vent. You are so strong and you have your plan. Stick with it.

Still