Well, I'm sorry to report to everyone that my H has mentioned that he may just want to divorce. He said that he did not realize that this was going to be that hard (withdrawal, I guess?). He said that he is afraid that he may never be able to love me again. He said that he has been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks, and decided that he wants a divorce.

He said that he breathed a sigh of relief when he finally made some kind of decision (I thought recovery had been a decision ,hmmmm, well, I'm no mind reader).

It has been a rough couple of weeks with his work and our DS's illness over the last couple of weeks, also. WH's been under a lot of stress. He said that he was going to 'stick to his guns' but I keep talking to him and confusing HIM! Whatever. I don't think the REALITY of any situation is the confusing part. I personally believe that making such an important decision based solely on your anxiety level or emotional turmoil is disastrous.

I told him that I do not want a divorce, but if that is his decision, back to darkness for me. I will not be a part of his life. He said that he thought that was IMMATURE. I told him that protecting myself from his WAFFLING IS MATURE. Well, I don't really know where things stand right now.

I have told WH that he has not put any effort into this, and if he did, we would make progress. I told him that withdrawal can take months and then recovery YEARS. No sugar coated pill to take. Speaking of which, he has not seen a doctor or therapist for any of HIS problems. I think he would refuse help for his anxiety and depression at this point. I believe that he views it as weakness to take a pill.

I cried way too much. I was ANGRY! I cry when stressed and angry and sad rolled into one. I'm okay today. He wants to continue talking tonight. I guess his decision making skills are at question right now, and he wants to drag this out some more. I can only tell him that NOT DOING does not qualify as TRYING. He said that he didn't realize this was going to feel like being emotionally drawn and quartered. He wants to feel happy, like when he's with OW, but he doesn't want to hurt US (me and DS).

All I can say is that I don't see any real effort to get passed the pain BY HIM. He must reach out for my help, expose himself as everyone else is.

Anyway, that is where things are right now. He's back to waffling, and I don't need a WAFFLE SNUGGLER...

(((SL)))

So sorry to hear this.

SL,

Don't try, Do!!! Is one of my favorite things to say. LOL.

I can only say this which is a recurring thing I tell you.

Your strength amazes me. Where you are today as a person is head and shoulders above where you probably were as a person at the beginning.

I don't have any advice just kudo's.

I would say be still here. He may be testing you to see your accpetance of cake eating.

IF he was you probably passed the test. IF not you still can keep your head up and be proud of yourself.

Hang tight, SL. You are doing a FANTASTIC job. You can only control you.

This is what I worry about if my WH ever decides to try to work it out. It takes EFFORT from both parties and I have a hard time seeing WH putting in the effort.

Remember that he is still a WH...words are words. He must take ACTION one way or the other.

Do you know for certain that he has had NC?

Hang in there, SL. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I have to think that it's normal to experience some hiccups like this along the way.

I do not know anything for certain.

He is afraid, living in fear. I am not. I would like to keep my family whole, but cannot sit idly by and wait for him to come to his senses. He must fly blindly right now, and trust that the RIGHT decision, the MORAL HIGH ROAD, is the GOOD decision. Again, he is VERY emotional, on his own roller coaster, and he is weakening. I can only tell him that this too shall pass. That with each day will come more clarity.

I truly believes that my WH needs professional help. I think that he is in an ABYSS right now. He is MOST concerned for how he FEELS right now, not thinking of the consequences AT ALL, because the PAIN is that bad. I just repeated that this will take TIME, lots of time, and that he will have to start DOING (as Frog says) in order to feel a part of this M again. He is NOT doing, he is sulking and wallowing. He is FAR BEHIND me in terms of self-discovery and healing.

I am pretty tired today, didn't get much sleep. The sun is shining, it's beaming. The wind is pretty brisk at times, but the air is warmer and refreshing. It's like an early spring day. WH took today off to get some much needed rest and take care of some business.

I'm so tired of being the cheerleader. I've been doing it for a couple of years now. Being honest, open, and as real as I can. Telling him that his family is there for him.

He may not want a family, and that is his choice. He may, TRULY, want to be single, no real commitments and no real responsiblity. That is his choice. I have only told him the consequences of that choice. I have told him of the damage that his son will have, that I will have, that my extended family will have. When I talked of him being with another woman, and having children with her, I talked of the REINFORCED abandonment that my son will feel IF he is not a full member of that family. I told him that he and I will no longer be friends, because friends do not treat each other this poorly.

He wants to talk this evening, and I'll do the best I can, but I am a bit overwhelmed right now, and anger will easily brim to the top. He really does not want to deal with the fallout, but if he really wants a divorce, nobody's holding him back, but FALLOUT will happen. I don't know how to have a happy divorce . Does anyone else???

You sound strung out, SL. Is there anything you can do to relax and calm yourself down before talking to him tonight? I'd hate for the anger to surface and drive him away. Emergency massage? There are some online meditation sites.

I wish I knew what to tell you in terms of how to approach this. Maybe LousyGolfer is around.

You do know you don't HAVE to talk to him tonight , right? You can wait until YOU are better prepared.

YOU matter.

Fox

When/if we talk this evening, I will just tell him from the onset of the conversation that I will need to stop the talk when I feel overwhelmed and we can revisit it when I am calm again.

I'm not sure what type of justifications he is going to try to spew, but I am unwilling to allow him to try to cloud me. I need to be clear right now. I need my strength and PATIENCE.

Good for you, SL. That sounds like a great plan.

It's silly, I know, but I always felt like I had to talk to WH whenever he was willing because I was afraid it was the only chance I was going to get to talk to him and that he wouldn't try again.

Nothing he ever said was earth shattering or changed the path we are on right now, it only drug me deeper into despair because every time I wanted him to say he was sorry, that he made a mistake, and was coming home....he never could or would.

Whatever it ends up being, it will hold until you are better prepared. I admire your strength and courage. FWIW, I'm proud of you.

Fox

Thank you so much for your support, everyone! I felt okay this morning (with about 4 hours sleep), and I feel okay right now, the anger is at bay. If he wants a D that is his choice. I can only describe how it will affect ME and our SON, and describe the aftermath of divorce and what it did to ME as a child.

Being part of the couple that D's is a different ball game. I know that I am not a failure, but that does not mean that I don't have those feelings. I also look back and wish that I could have ended things prior to having children with the loathsome WH. I miss my H. He was loving. He was proud to be in our M, to be my H. He was proud of the life we had built together. Now, his W means nothing to him; his son means very little to him, not really. He may not believe in M or family anymore. I certainly can't say with conviction that this is a man that I want in my life anymore. He is so lost, so cruel and selfish. He wants everything to feel better, without having to suffer the consequences and without having to DECIDE to DO IT.

I don't know, but I don't think life works that way, at least, not well. He said that, for an indecisive person, he had finally made a decision, and now I'm confusing him. Well, I'm not confused. Maybe HE needs to BE STILL. He thinks too much, doesn't DO enough. Oy, I could go on and on. I'm not perfect, but I'm centered and ready to fight, but I cannot fight against him. I won't. He has to decide.

SL:

Just use this part of the paragraph on him.



And then give him some time to get there.

Divorce is a choice, same as Love.

He can make the RIGHT Choice, or the Wrong Choice.

Let him know that "No one said it was going to be easy."

Then pull out a copy of the letter asking you to end Plan B.

And ask him where he is with that. And which step in that he would like to start with.

Keep it calm. Let him do all the talking. You just listen.

Respect that he is in a struggle right now. A different struggle then the one you are having, but a struggle nonetheless.

And then give him a hug.

LG

Thank so much LG,

Your input on these boards is so important, and I so appreciate the input you have given me these months.

I understand his struggle, and I want to just be there with him. When he needs me, when he needs a hand or an ear, I've told him that I will be there.

I think your advice is good. I will listen, let him talk. Last night was so overwhelming, we can't continue to REACT to each other like that. It is unhealthy.

Thank you again.

silent

i'm sorry this is happening

doesn't he get that he can't keep playing with people's emotions?

no i guess not because he is still in WS mode.

he got his fix of you

and now he's in withdrawl and wanting the "high"

well.....if he was feeling "so good" with the OW, why did he come home?

he's already forgotten that he was UNHAPPY when he left her

It's so tought to keep you eye on the ball, when you are living in a world of pain...

I remember, when I was in Basic Training, I was a road-guard, which basically meant that I had to run ahead of the company to stop traffic, wait until about half of the company passed me for my relief and then sprint back up to the head of the company for the next road IN BOOTS. I got the most horrendous, [censored], callousy welts on the soles of my feet, on the front of my toes and on the back of my heels, as well as horrible quarter-sized blisters on my heels. It was so painful, I couldn't see straight sometimes. I just pushed through the pain, everyday. I would strap on my boots, which rubbed every mangled part of my foot, feeling like a fire was rubbed on them and walk on. I worked through the pain. At night, I would air out my feet, and do whatever I could to help them heal. Finally, I wasn't healing, and began to see infection; I had to give in and get help.

I see this as my WH's journey, he is in a world of pain, but he keeps pushing on, doing the same things, hoping that something will give and the pain will subside. Difference is, he isn't tending to the wounds, and he NEEDS help now. I find that he is not one to easily ask for help. He will suffer silently, before 'giving in'.

He gets that he is playing with peoples' emotions. He just doesn't realize that it is mostly his own. I told him to try and focus on what keeps bringing him back to the same place. When he leaves here it's on to someone new, but when he longs for home, it's back to ME. He WANTS me, but doesn't know how to withstand the pain, and ask for help.

I hope my silly analogy made sense, but I vividly remember the PAIN that my feet gave me, and how my pride and stubborness almost got me in a whole other world of hurt.

SL- I can't believe you were a soldier...I'm really impressed...

I've always admired a woman who could go into the military...I have a really great friend and I think she's the reason why I think that way...

I love her to dead!

SL:

Was that an Army or AF Road Guard?

I remember giving the call, "Road Guards out"....

Thank you for the kind words earlier...


However,

WH can still be doing the same thing. And expecting different results, That's the defination of insanity.

The new Thing? RH. Open and Honest.

It's the only way to go.

May take a while for him to get there.

(took LG 5 hours on this website, but that's LG....)

HE may have to say some hurtful things, and you will have to absorb some, and you will need to speak your truth as well. But slowly, it can happen.

Your quote:

I told him to try and focus on what keeps bringing him back to the same place. When he leaves here it's on to someone new, but when he longs for home, it's back to ME. He WANTS me, but doesn't know how to withstand the pain, and ask for help.

Repeat this to him, ask him to explore it, there is a lot there.

And can help bring you closer together with it.

(((SL)))

LG

SL,

LG is right doing the same thing over and over.

I think our MC hit it on the head when he asked my FWW.

When do you want to stop making bad decesions?

Sometimes doing the right thing is hard but it is right.

You can continue to make bad decesions that in the here and now don't cause you pain or you can make good decesions that might hurt now but will make your life better in teh long run.

I am paraphrasing a little but it seems like you need to be the lighthouse here and let him make the decesions and hopefully he will see the light with counseling.

This is when I gave the DOBSON SPEECH..

"Go..Go..I'm setting you FREE..I don't want YOU until you want ME...

My H was all prepared with his justifications, etc..

I told him.."That's OK..you want to be with her..SO GO....

He was shocked...and HE never actually pursued the SEPARATION..that time...


AND BTW, there's most probably been CONTACT with her, you know... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />