You had a HUGE trigger. A HUGE disappointment. Just make sure you've given it enough time. What's the rush? How will it really make things different?

Here's one that Jennifer used on me: Imagine that it is your daughter's wedding day. You're walking her down the aisle to give her away, but another man is standing at the end waiting to kiss her, because he has been her stepfather for most of her life.

I just keeping thinking about the shirt and his work history...how unrelaiable he has been being WH...what about before the A? Say between 99 and before the A began?

What was he like then?

I am behind you all the way with not making a decision based on your emotions...

Also, consider this...P get remarried all the time...the thought comes to my mind from time to time...wondering about STBX rock bottom...but that ME, we're talking about you! LOL

just a thought! LA pointed that out to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good food for thought. Really, the only reason to file now would be to avoid reworking the LSA upon filing this summer (if I do). One GOOD reason NOT to file right now would be to BE ABLE TO rework the LSA after filing. I may find it to be unsatisfactory after my head clears a bit more. Hmmmmm, I may want to wait just for financial reasons. I dunno, the questions are giving me good insight into how I really feel about all of this. Separating myself from WH, not seeing him, hearing him, etc. will help in the long run, and sdguy is right, there really is no rush. I HAVE given myself a personal deadline to get to the point where I CAN make this sort of decision clearly, and that is this summer (July). That will be two years since Dday#1. Also, the month of my 10th anniversary.

Oh, Rin, about my HUSBAND. Before we had a child, H was very loving, open, we were each others' world. I won't say that he was perfect, but he was great for me. If he had something that he wanted to do, however, I don't think I was considered while making the decision to move forward. He was emotionally and physically affectionate.

Much happened since the birth of our son. Husband began to withdraw, and continued to live as if nothing had changed; still invited his friends over every weekend to hang out until all hours. I was left to take care of our son most of the time. I began to withdraw from him, too. H did talk to me once or twice about the lack of sex (usually once a week, but sometimes less), and how I wasn't very enthusiastic. I took that hard, and explained that I felt like I was last on H's list, and that didn't make me feel very warm and fuzzy. Nothing really came of it. I attempted to be more primed and to initiate, but it was always sort of empty, like it was just a physical need that I was fulfilling.

We still did lots together, watched movies and went out occassionally; mostly did stuff around the house. I wasn't made aware that he wanted to go out more often or that he really didn't like his life the way that it was. We even started looking at moving further south, maybe the Carolina's or northern Georgia (I grew up there). Within that year, H started a new job at a place where MANY women work. He went from working on cars to working on copiers to working in an artistic environment filled with many young women.

H began to go out with coworkers, not inviting me along. He also began working longer hours, stating that when his supervisor moves on to her new job (his first A partner) he will need to have many new things under his belt. I didn't know he meant HER, heh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, looking back, I didn't have boundaries and neither did WH. No checks and balances, and no real consequences for thinking in a singular fashion. Anyway, whew...I remember a man who loved me well, prior to kids, even without boundaries. Life was simpler then, so it's a bit easier. I don't think WH took to parenthood very easily. Also, his birth mother died the month that his EA began in May '05, from cirrhosis due to alcoholism. He watched her die and probably triggered him to not WASTE anymore time. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

I know I said a lot just then, sorry for the length.

Man o man, it is a good thing that WH has DS this weekend. My throat is hurting pretty badly, I have post nasal drip and my temp is about 100-F.

I hope that I feel better tomorrow, cause I could use the leisure time with my big sis. I've been looking forward to it all week.

Based on what I've seen, your story is pretty typical. The kind of thing that happens in most marriages, even, but yours (like mine) suffered the disaster of infidelity. I told my WW a few times that I belived the affair was more something that happened to us rather than something she did. I believe (and told her many times) that it could have been me. None of this made any difference, of course, because I was talking to a fogged-out zombie.

Until they decide they want to give it up, there's not much we can do. You wrote to me recently that the ball is in WW's court.

If only we could know when they will wake up. We certainly believe that they will at some point, but when, and is it worth waiting for? I want to know whether Plan B is working, but in Plan B you can't know what's happening on the other side. I want to know whether WW will ever wake up, or maybe is she one of the exceptions who knows what she's doing and is making the right decision for her? How does one know that? Is there anything different about WS and their behavior from the standard pattern? In my case, there really doesn't seem to be. I don't know about yours.

Being sick doesn't help. Hope you feel better soon.

sdguy, I believe that WH is 'typical' in terms of our situation related to all others here. After he did some reading on the website, he seemed enthused, as if he COULD make it, because there was support for him. The pull of the OW, the pain of withdrawal was too much for him. To me, that is an indication of total addiction.

He is also growing used to living outside of our home, in the 'real' world, as a single person. Jennnifer warned against this and stated that living in this way (for both fo us) leads to singular behaviors that are harder to break.

Everyone I know (excluding one girlfriend) says that divorce is what I should do, that he has treated me so poorly, as well as our son, and demolished any vows he made to me long ago. They believe that I have given him my ALL. I believe them. I agree with them. I also feel that I've lost my own moral compass. Before infidelity rocked my world, I swore that I wouldn't continue in a marriage like mine is now. I am starting to feel like a fool for believing and hanging on to nothing.

I don't know what will happen with WH. Yes, he does seem typical. Unfortunately for me, I have seen infidelity work out in my own life. My mother had an affair with a coworker, who she eventually married (after seven years of cohabitation). They remained married until the day she died, and my dad is STILL grieving the loss (she passed in 1999). I've SEEN an affair R/M work!

My son came home after his weekend with daddy and threw a fit over a video game. It was miserable. I put him in time out (he hates it), and when he came out, we talked. I asked him if something was bothering him or if he just wanted to talk. Whoa! Did I open a can of worms...

DS told me that daddy thinks I'm a jerk and that he thinks DS is a jerk (BTW, I'm sure WH did NOT say these things). HE then asked me what I did to make daddy leave, then he asked what daddy did TO ME. He said his daddy did not like me. He said his daddy did not like HIM.

I just kept saying that his daddy likes him and does not think he is a jerk, but that I understand if he's sad and THINKS these things, but they are untrue. It is TOUGH to hear these things. You never know how hard this is until they begin to TALK; at least he's talking. I asked DS if he was sad, he said yes, because he misses his daddy. I said that his daddy misses him too. I really don't know what to say. There really isn't anything that I can say or do to take his pain away; I just held him and told him how I really liked him, and how I miss him every minute that I'm apart from him. I told DS that he is number one with me, and that he can tell me anything. I kissed him (on the cheek, cause of the illness), and hugged him tight and tickeled him. He was okay after that.

My sis showed up to bring me a burger (good sick person food), and she talked and played with him a bit. His spirits were up before bed. I kept him up about an hour past bedtime, just laughing and hanging out. I put him to bed, and he seemed to go down okay, but he got up at about midnight and came into my room, wanting to sleep with me again. Hopefully, it's just a one night thing, we'll see.

THE big LIE adultery tells ~~~> the kids will be fine, they will adjust ... sure they will .... eventually, after having their heart ripped to shreds and going through pain they have no control over....

Does your son have acess to some therapy?

Pep

PS ... Is there language in your separation agreement where both parents are not allowed to rip the other apart in front of the kid?

Yea..piggybacking on Pep's last question..I don't want to alarm you but I would want to LEARN MORE INFORMATION from him about WHAT HAPPENED this weekend. Sounds like to me that it was TRAUMATIC for him...not only ranting but also coming to your bed...

Sadly, GOOD PARENTING is not a HIGH PRIORITY for WSes...

It's no wonder what may have happened...

If you can't find out on your own, you might think seriously as Pep suggested about consulting with a CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST who can monitor the situation for you. The therapist could probably find out information that you might not be able to..your son can use the therapist as a neutral ally and may feel more safe/comfortable in opening up him/her...

I will look into therapy for him. It breaks my heart to hear him say these things. It's terrible! I do not KNOW what is said behind closed doors with him. Should I consider ending weekend visitation?

I cannot assume anything. My son is very vocal and very emotionally based. 2006, when the second separation took place, my son began to act OUT in anger against the other kids in the daycare and spent a lot of time in time out here. He was hitting and pushing children down. Now, he's able to talk to me, after he is calm.

I wouldn't let him go on weekend visitation UNTIL he has seen a reputable CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST...who can give you an opinion on this...or at least be available to help him COPE with the situation... "CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE"...

I was soooo emotionally abused in my childhood that I wish my parents had protected me from themselves. It would have saved me from much heartache in adulthood and from many years of therapy in adulthood.

It will be so wonderful for you to get him the help he needs NOW. Of course, his heart is breaking....and heaven knows what he is hearing or may be seeing....

Oh, SL, that just breaks my heart as it sounds like it did yours...

We're doing fine here so I'm not sure what to say but you have great advice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just here for you!

I spoke to WH about son's reaction upon coming home. WH told me that DS has asked him questions, to which one reply was 'because daddy is a jerk'. Well, DS turned it onto himself. I am looking into a therapist, and have told WH that overnights need to be at my discretion for now. I do not want to expose my DS to any more pain. He is obviously taking this so very hard.

The damage is done, unfortunately; now I need to help find my son ways to COPE. I remember my mother telling me that, when her dad left them, she thought it was her fault, because she wasn't nice enough, and she was ugly, and something was wrong with her. She carried this into adulthood. I ache when I think of that. I know I have my own pain from abandonment, and have been trying all that I can do with MB to help bring my M back together, so that my WHOLE family can be happy and get well.

I've done all that I can, and now I think my DS needs more than I can offer.

and I think you are being a WONDERFUL MOTHER in being SENSITIVE to HIS HURT FEELINGS and in getting him the HELP HE NEEDS...You are doing and have done all that YOU can possibly do..and he CAN LEARN to COPE with this...HE IS SO YOUNG...and he has YOU....

((((SL))))

SL,

Definately proceed with finding that therapist. If I might suggest, contact your school district for some recommendations. The counselors at school are usually well connected in the community and may be able to give you some names/numbers of folks who specialize in this type of sitch. This is a resource for you even though DS is not attending yet.

You are doing what it best and right for DS! You are getting him the help he needs. As Mothers, we can not always give our kids everything they need ourselves, but we CAN find the additional assistance to get them what they need!

You are being such a great mom in recognizing the need for help and acting on it!

I really feel for you, SL. I've been lucky enough so far that my kids haven't shown any outward signs of the separation affecting them. I have suspected all along that DS7 would internalize stuff, though. We have talked about it, and he knows that there are other people for him to talk to (his teacher, day-care provider, and the school counselor) besides just his parents. I am considering taking him along to one of my IC sessions just so it won't be something to be afraid of.

I think some counseling for your son is definitely a good idea.

Well folks, I just got back from the doc, seems I have strep throat with accompanying ear infection! Jackpot!

I am currently looking into finding a counselor/therapist for DS.

I will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes...

Thank you for all of the advice and direction. Bugsmom, I'll look into the school district, see if they can guide me here. He will be starting school this fall anyway.

I never knew how much I could love until I had my DS.

That sucks, SL. At least now that you're diagnosed you can start the antibiotics, so maybe you'll start feeling better soon. I hope so, anyway.