About 8 years ago my WW left me for another man for several months, after meeting her at a local diner she told me it was over, that she has a lawyer and is getting a D. I left the coffee shop and dropped her off at her apartment and started .. i guess you could call it a plan B, with no contact except through my sister. I did this plan B with the goal of just punishment by ignoring her, not to draw her back. Well I did a no-no, I met a woman and I made a concious BAD decision. As my WW was languishing in her own ****** with OM, I was having a great time. I (wrongly) assumed that I was as good as single since she pretty much told me so. Well, the OW (mine) and I had oral SF but couldnt do the deed since the guilt hit me before it was about to happen. Then a week later my WW calls me up and tells me that shes pregnant with OC and that she wants to come home. I had no idea there was even a remote chance this would happen. I dropped my OW, the moment i found out that WW wanted to reconcile, baby or not. Well we did get back togethor, but when i told WW about my OW she started saying " oh well see what I did wasn't so bad". I stopped her right there and told her i made it up so she could feel what its like to be betrayed. She dropped it and never brought it up again except to say comments she believed the story was true. Well last night we got into a fight about how she doesnt do certain things in bed and I just had to hurt her somehow, so i gave her radical honesty, I laid it all out in detail and watched her go into shock. I have never felt like such a a%%h0l3 before in my life. On one hand I didn't have to hold this secret inside me for 8 years, on the other I was honest not to respect her but honest to hurt her as much as possible.

Now I expect lots of 2x4's from this post, and I am attempting a Plan A of sorts on my. I am leaving her alone and not forcing her to talk about R.
I am not making any verbal promises, just try to show with actions (my words dont mean anything right now)
I am also biting my tongue whenever i get the urge to rationalize what I did 8 years ago


Schmuck is the words that comes to mind right now. After 8 years of recovery I ripped open some wounds that had barely just closed.

that was mean

and you really damaged your marriage

and you did this because you wanted your wife to make LOVE to you in a certain way??? and how do you think this helps?

really ... here is my advice

.... eat crow and dirt and try like crazy to make it up to her

Pep

It was mean, and looking back I don't know what I was thinking, or how it was going to help anything.

I have alot of resentment towards her that I've never been able to let go of, and I must find a better way to deal with it, or end the marriage.

Was it ever really recovery though, if you had a MAJOR secret (about your own affair) that you'd been carrying around for the last 8 years?

My FWS always says, "two wrongs don't make a right". You both have work to do. I hope she can see why you went crazy and made the devastating decision.

Well last night we got into a fight about how she doesnt do certain things in bed and I just had to hurt her somehow, so i gave her radical honesty, I laid it all out in detail and watched her go into shock.

[color:"red"][b]NO

this was NOT radical honesty

so don't call it that

the spirit of radical honesty is never intentionally hurtful

Pep [/color]

you both do have a lot of work to do if you want to save this marriage. AND you have to deal with and let go of the resentment you have towards her or this kind of thing will happen again and again because you feel justified for what you did.

all i can say is "wow" for what you said to her.

and i know of what i speak because my now ex had many resentments towards me (not for a physical affair, but other stuff) and he never let go of those resentments and he did everything he could to hurt me until the day he left. and he STILL does. resentment is an awful awful thing.

mlhb

DFWH,

How have you to adjusted to the fact that there is an OC in your home? I presume that the child is still with you? Do you two have other children now?

It seems to me that you have hit the nail on the head. You have a lot of resentment still in you, and it needs to be addressed. There is a famous saying that is used around her and was brought here by a poster named WhoDat
You can see how the poison has in fact hurt you, and also your W. You were a jerk to do what you did, there is no sugar coating that. However, you did need to bring this out into the open. Your W will react as if you just did this with the other woman. It is very common.

You two need to do a lot of reading here. I think the articles here can help you address what you just did, but also help you two address what happened 8 years ago with her affair and subsequently your affair.

Have you considered obtaining good pro-marriage counseling? You should.

Hang in there, and keep posting.

God Bless,

JL

What brought the both of you here to start posting the same morning???

The 'coincidence' of both you starting to post on this forum at nearly the exact same time is pretty staggering.

I told her about this forum, and that I posted on it. She didn't want to ask me what my screen name was so she started her own thread.

The idea that these posts are being done by a troll is what you are thinking.

They are not. I understand is you don't believe me because after all I've been lieing to myself and my wife for 8 years what is stopping me from telling another lie? I ask that you give us a chance.

Well, I don't know where you learned about women, but you sure haven't learned very much in certain areas.

Your wife says you are a good man, father, and husband. So I will take her word.

But how in h*ll did you think that telling her how wonderful OW was in the OS department would make your wife want it with you? Especially since she has an aversion to it.

How some men think is mind-boggling to me.

Ah... the motive wasn't to persuade her to do something, it was to hurt her. and I agree that i wasnt thinking just lashing out.

"Well last night we got into a fight about how she doesnt do certain things in bed and I just had to hurt her somehow,"

Hmmmm. Sounds to me like you were angry about not getting what you wanted.

You're digging a hole here. Hope you don't keep shoveling.

you know I think it is very obvious that despite what you say you have NEVER got over your wifes affair nor probably ever truly forgiven her. Being that you both never have seemed to really worked through it thats not surprising.

I feel your comment of wanting to hurt her was pretty telling.

I'm not saying you don't love her nor want the M to really work its just these demons sitting on your shoulders right now. Do you have the OC? What is the situation there?

Also you also need to accept you also had an affair and it doesn't matter if hers went for weeks or months and yours was days ...wrong is simply wrong. You need to tell her that plainly, "I was so wrong to act that way regardless of what you were doing and I was wrong to hide it from you." Accept it and apologize for your behaviour. Answer ANYTHING she wants to know. Remember for her that night was her D Day.

I also feel you need to get some help from someone like the Harleys, costs about $185 a session I think over the phone.

I suspect you have retained a lot of resentment and you need to recognize that and also be honest with your w about that too. However I feel it would be beneficial if that was done within counseling or under some guidance.

Look I was a WW so I know you can work through this if you are willing to do the hard yards. Please seriously consider the MC option asap.

We gave the OC/DD#1 up for a open adoption. Unfortunately they (adoptive parents) got divorced because he decided to wreck the family we ( W and I ) all helped them build to be with his OW.


We have a appt with a MC tommorow because what we've been doing for the last eight years isn't helping. She graciously took it upon herself to make the appointment with 2.5 hours of sleep.

We went to two different MC's .. I ended storming out of the office ten minutes into our first session after she revealed that I asked to be called by the OM's name during sex one time. She said it to embarras me and I have NO IDEA why I asked her to do it. Maybe I was trying to pretend it was me all along she was with???? (someone please explain this to me because I would like to hear that its a semi-normal coping mechanism??? or If im sicker than I think)

The second MC was some quack that tried some hypnosis thing.. I fell asleep ( i think ) and woke up 125 dollars poorer and a little more hopeless.

Is the entire first session going to be telling the whole story? What can I expect of a "good" MC compared to a "bad" one?

Anything I can jot down to make sure I do my best?
anything I should bring with me besides my wife, hope and insurance card? like the harley's articles??

We gave the OC/DD#1 up for a open adoption. Unfortunately they got divorced because he decided to wreck the family we all helped them build to be with his OW.


We have a appt with a MC tommorow because what we've been doing for the last eight years isn't helping. She graciously made the appointment with 2.5 hours of sleep the next morning.

We went to two different MC's .. I ended storming out of the office ten minutes into our first session after she revealed that I asked to be called by the OM's name during sex one time. She said it to embarrass me...... and I have NO IDEA why I asked her to do it. Maybe I was trying to pretend it was me all along she was with???? (someone please explain this to me because I would like to hear that its a semi-normal coping mechanism??? or If im sicker than I think)

The second MC was some quack that tried some hypnosis thing.. I fell asleep ( i think ) and woke up 125 dollars poorer and a little more hopeless.

Since I never actually had a real REAL MC session, or finished one what can I expect of a "good" MC compared to a "bad" one?

I see you're fairly new to MB as well. (I joined yesterday.) Don't give up on finding a good MC. My WH and I have been to many over our 32 years of marriage. Some are good and some are bad....all are expensive, except some employers have an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) counseling benefit. If so, those are often free for the first 3 or 4 visits. After that time, ours was only $75 a visit.

After my WH lied to our last MC (7 times in a row about his continuous NC violations), we only saw him a few more times and then found MB. Both of us are doing much better with the MB books and this web site. In addition, I am seeing our EAP therapist and WH has weekly accountability sessions with a FWH who remarried his FS (after being divorced for 3 years) 36 years ago.

We will seek additional MC soon, but are doing well so far. Have you checked to see if either of your employers have an EAP?