Don't even be thinking D yet. You are just started in this and a good Plan A can run as long as 6 months for a BH.

LOL

*Turning up my mind reading machine*

JKG is getting hungry. He's wondering when dinner is going to be ready. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

Actually, the MC isn;t an MC. In fact, now that I think about it she told me that over the phone. She is a psychotherapist. We talked for 90 minutes, about how I met my W, what attracted me to her, the events leading up to what happened and some other stuff not related to my M.

I am feeling really down right now. The emotional detatchment my W is showing towards me is almost too much. She said she is sorry she is hurting me, and that she hurts too. But she doesn't show it. It bothers me that when talks on the phone to whomever, she is laughing and giggling and very light hearted. I can barely get her to smile.

She is loosening up around me, which is good, but there is a definite rift when we talk. I try to be natural, but she often is stilted in her speech when talking to me. She is carefully examining every word before it comes out of her mouth.

She is out right now. Don't know where. She said she was going to lunch with her friend. Doesn't know when she will be back, etc....the usual.

Right now I feel so low that I am out of hope. I have been feeling like this since she told me earlier today she has no interest in me other than being a friend.

You might think about reading Surviving An Affair. o get some insight on the WW. How they think or don't.

What she is saying again and doing is right out the "Handbook".

She doesn't want to work on the marriage. Can't be happy around you. Wants to just be friends.

It's all fog Babble.

Pay no attention to it.

Am I the only one having problems loading the forums right now? More than 80% of the time I get a page of just text babble. This is happening on two different computers and I am trying both IE and Mozilla.

Anyway,

I know and I am trying not to pay attention to it, but it is so hard. I feel like I could die tomorrow and she would celebrate.

I ordered the book and hopefully it will arrive tomorrow.

I talked to the OM, it went ok and he insisted that they decided to stop seeing each other last night. This coincides with what she said. I don't believe it and will continue to monitor. He is home right now and she is out and about.

It scares me that she is currently looking for a place to move to. I know she can't afford it on her own, but we do have enough money in the account for her to do it on a whim if she chooses to.

As for moving out of the area, I know if I move anytime within the next couple of weeks, she will definitely not follow.

The Sight is evidently having trouble.

You need to get some else's input here but I think if you are the making the major portion of your families income. It might be wise to lock down that portion of your assets so that she cannot use it to move out and continue the A at your families expense. It is the Family money not her fling money.

Makes sense to me but I'm not sure if it can be justified.

Just a thought.

I don't make much, but it is about 4 times what she makes.

I thought about opening a sperate checking account to start putting my money in there. I don't know how she will respond, tho...or even if I should worry about it.

I just checked the scale. I have lost 14 pounds since this started on Jan 3rd. I can't eat more than a few bites and the food I do eat, I can't even taste.

Ah! The BS diet. Been There, done that.

More I think about I would not provide any funding for her outside the M in any way. Until being forced to by the courts.

You only work on the M and will not support in any fashion her moving out or continuing an A out side the M.

IMO You need to stickup for this.

Another person totally set hi wwup with her appartment, made payments on her car and provided enough funding for her work on herself for approximately 6 months. Its been 4 month and she is living the single life and has no intention of stopping any time soon. He never gave her any consequences for her actions. Now the only way to get her attention is file for D.

Make your stand now and make it a strong one. IMHO

I ate an apple, but that's it today.

She came home around 730 tonight. She was in a bad mood. She wasn't with him, tho. He has been upstairs all night. That is a good sign.

But boy, was she mad. She was irritated at the cats when they would come up to her to be petted. She even yelled at one of them to get away from her.

I am stil having problems getting on the boards. I usually see a bunch of text with "warning" and saying something like "too many connections" and "could not find such and such"

She asked me how my visit with the therapist went. I said it went well.

We then started talking about how I have been treating her the past few years. I said in my first post in another forum that I am having issues with anger management. There were times in the past where I would blow up and say hateful things towards her. This in turn would upset me, causing more anger. I would also grow impatient very easily over stupid stuff and with her.

She told me that she has years of pent up rage against me. She doesn't want to stay married, she wants to have seperate checking accounts and wants a divorce, and if we are to stay under the same roof, it would be as roommates. I didn't respond to any of it. She said she is just waiting for me to blow up at her, fly into a rage and punch the wall (something I did a couple of years ago). She said she is tired of living in fear of me blowing up at her and tired of me critizing her. I said yes, you are right. When I did that I was wrong and I am sorry.

She also said she is expecting me to hit the OM or do something to his car. I said I am not going to do that because it serve no purpose.
I told her, yes I do have a problem with anger. But I am working on that. I said I am not going to blow up at her because that would also serve no purpose.

We talked for about an hour. She made sure something was between us, like the kitchen counter area or the kitchen table.

She then went to the computer and started playing music. This is something she always does when she is upset. She chooses songs with lyrics that best describe how she is feeling at the time.

The songs she made a point of turning up the volume on so I could her had lyrics that had to do with not wanting to be together and then she would play songs about "If you would just take me back" and that kind of stuff. I also think that she was playing it loud enough because she knows the OM would probably hear it as well, as he is right upstairs from my office.

It does indeed look like they are NC each other, at this time.

I also noticed she now has an MSN account. I don't know the email address or the password. I ma curious as to how I would be able to obtain these. Anyone know?

When it was time for her to go to bed (she has to get up at 3am for work) she did say goodnight to me and she was in a much better mood and even smiled. She told me I look beat and that I should try to get some rest.

I don;t know what the next step is. I am lost.

Yay, the boards seem to be doing better.

I bought the book "His Needs, Her needs". Been reading it when I can. I guess my LB is overdrawn at this point.

You need to read up on Plan A. The basic premis is tha you work on becoming a new and better you. You change the things that know need changing and work to make the changes permanent. She will notice the changes but she will be very skeptical and will figure it is only temporary and you will revert at some point. DON'T!!!

You also do things for you so you don't go crazy while she is out doing her thing partly, and partly to help feel good about you. If you are content with who you are it is attractive to her.

Do the kind of things that attracted her to you in the beginning. Because this is a new beginning. You getting a chance to win her all over again. Treat it as If you were dating again. Helps to look at it in that manner I think.

Stop all R and M talk it will only help push her away right now.

Also continue to snoop make sure there is no contact. it will not be successful if contact continues.

As for the computer the best bet would be to put on a software keylogger. You can see what she types but not the incomming.

Keep up the good work just remember you just getting started and you will have to be patient and postive.

I'm going to start doing something for me that I have been putting off for a long time. Start to work out and get toned. I'm not fat, just not toned.

The R and M discussion was pretty one sided. It was her talking and I didn't say anything.

She said to me that she doesn't feel my recent change in behavior is going to be permanent. That I am only doing it to try to get her back. I know in time, she will see that I intend to be this way for the long term.

I'll tell yoy what, it feels good not to blow up over stupid stuff. I am working hard at letting go of my anger over the trival crap that bothered me just weeks ago. I still have a long way to, but I am working on it.

My other situation that will be coming to a head, is the lease on the apartment is going to be due in May. When that time comes, I fear she will go.

Different topic now. Would it be a good idea to write a small note for her in the morning. Something like "I hope you have a wonderful day" ?

When we first met, we were friends first before anything became romantic. It was 6 months into our friendship before it started to get romantic.
All we would do is talk (some small talk, some serious talk), go flying and just hang out. Sometimes we went to the movies together.

So far we talk, mostly she talks and I listen. I offered for us to go get something to eat yesterday and she said no. So, just hanging out isn't an option.

We both smoke. I was going to quit after we got back from our trip, but now I am smoking more than ever. Anyway,
the only time we just kind of "hang out" is when we go out on the patio and suck down a cancer stick together.
When she is going out to have one, she asks if I would like to join her. When I go out for one, I ask if she would like to join me. When we are out there, we talk about misc. stuff, nothing serious. Today we talked about the Dallas / Seattle game that was on the other night.
I'm not a huge football fan, but all of the sudden she is. I know where that came from, but it was still a pleasant conversation.

You want some goods news DF? Your ww is acting like most all WS do. She is saying the same things and doing the same things.

How is that good?

Its good b/c there is a path back from the he)). The people here know the path and can help.

***I lost 20 lbs on the I diet****

She is mad at the world b/c her fun is done or atleast known about now. You are to blame for that - GOOD.

Get your $$$ into your own account. You are afraid to make her mad??? What will she do, D you? Have an A on you? Get mad at you?

Df,

Get started working out great.

You have the book HNHN find section that covers the Emotional Needs questionaire. Study the definitions and then fill out the questionaire for you.

See if you can get to do that as well. She probably won''t be interested though.
I she doesn't then you do it for her. You know her well enough to be able to get close. this is so you can figureout what her top EN's are and start to work on doing the things that meet her first five. Concentrate on those first.

If she initiates the R and M talk it's OK but try to listen and don't LB or DJ.

Do you still fly? That sounds like something that would be a great activity to get her out with you.

You might think about working on the smoking for both of you. Maybe working out intead of puffing.

May sounds like a good timeline to look at as you deadline for ending Plan A.
They say about 6 months max on Plan A anyway for a BH. Then it's time to move on to other measures.

So now you work your butt off till May.

My WW really started giving up when she learned how much it cost to pay all her bills. She had a little spreadsheet as to how much things cost and how much she made. She told me several times that she was pissed that she didn't have enough money to go out on her own. Well she wouldn't stop talking with OM. Do you know what I did? I cut her *ss off financially. I make over two and a half times what she did. She knew she couldn't afford anything on her own, so now I was making her if she didn't stop calling OM. She agreed to NC that day.

That's what I was saying about the money Df. Don't make things easy on her to go out on her own.

As long as she stays there you can do a great Plan A.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

I am making it a point not to LB. I haven't accused her, blamed her, or anything like that. I mostly listen to what she has to say, as I am trying to get her to talk about herself.

In the first few days of this, before I knew about the A and the MB forums, we were talking about all the particulars of divorce. I said we are in a no-fault state, we could do an uncontested and get it done in about 6 months.

Last night, when she started talking about D again, she brought up how she thinks I am wrong about the 6 months and that we need to legally seperate, blah blah blah.

But she ended with, "Now...I am not accusing you of anything, but why would you say that".

BTW, if started today on a D (I'm not going to), we could get it done in 6 months. I just wonder why she would say that when the info is available everywhere.

It took me two goodnights to get one back from her. I did nicely and spaced out. When she didn't say goodnight the first time, I looked for an excuse to stick around a few more seconds. I then said goodnight again and got a smile and a goodnight back.

I know there are feelings for me there. Every now and then, not often, but every now and then she will come walking out of the office, or bedroom, or bathroom or whatever and she will look at me with love in her eyes and smile a warm smile...like when she did years ago. The smile that would melt my heart. It has only happened a three times, and she catches herself doing it and then stops, looks away, etc...It is like little moments of clarity or something.

She did that when she returned my goodnight. It gives me moments of hope.

I am trying to get her to do things together, but she doesn't want to. Invite to lunch or dinner gets rejected, we did the bike shopping excursion and that ended up with her getting angry with me.
I might give it a couple more days of just her mellowing out and relaxing a bit more before I suggest anything.

With each passing day, she seems to get more relaxed.

Last night when she was talking about staying under the same roof she brought up seperate accounts. She said she can give me "what she can" from her paycheck to help with rent and bills. Sh also wants to invite her friends over.

I haven't responded. Part of me wants to say that she can stay if she pays half the rent, half the ulitilies and her own bills. An amount that exceeds her montly income.
The other half of me says "Ok, seperate accounts and you give me half of every paycheck you receive".

Well,
She just called while she was on her break. She wants to buy a jacket for every day use. It is something she hasn't
had for years. She normally would just wear sweatshirts for everyday stuff and she has nice jackets for evenings out on the town. She has some tip money left over, so I said how much is the jacket? She gave me a price so I said, give me your tip money and then you can buy the jacket. Her tip money covers about 85% of the cost of the jacket. Then we talked about this and that for about 10 minutes. Very pleasant. I invited her to come along to Costco with me, but she declined.

I bought the "invisable keylogger" program, but am having problems getting it set up. I doesn't show any logs and the user name that I log on to the computer with, doesn't show up on the user cofniguration area of the program. Im stumped on that one.

I recommed being de-attached to efforts of looking for "hope". If you search for it constantly it won't come. In doing this you are smothering her likely. Let go....concentrate on yourself and let her live her life, continue Plan A. Get out of your head and do something to keep you busy.

DON'T expect any positive responses, but make her experience with you positive by not asking so many questions etc.

Just my thoughts on this.

The idea is to not try to put any pressure on her and become her safe place to be. Let her know she is welcome with you always. Dont' expect any thing. It will start to happen little by little when she is ready. You may get a response, then it will go for a while with nothing. The roller coaster ride.

The idea of notes, A Flower, any thing you do like that can't hurt.

Don't expect much in the way of response.