Yup

I Like IT!!!

I was thinking of going over there and explaining that my wife is having problems with drugs or something of that nature and is not in a frame of mind to act like a responsible adult.

Tell them the truth or tell them nothing at all.

Doing something dishonest so that your wife will be forced to stay in the home with you is NOT going to build your marriage. It's not going to make your marriage an attractive place to be AND if you ever recover your marriage and institute the policy of Radical Honesty, then you'll have to confess all of YOUR dirty little secrets, too.

Stick to the truth. Tell it far and wide. But, don't go making "chit" up just so that you can manipulate your wife into being forced to remain with you. Truth is what rebuilds and restores marriages. The last thing your relationship needs is a little more dishonesty. Don't go around telling or implying your wife is into drugs if you know she isn't. Don't go around making up nasty little stories about her, either. None of that protects your marriage.

Your wife is behaving unethically. You don't need to go down that road yourself.

Mys

Point taken. The truth it is. Thanks.

Another question. I am supposed to go on a two night trip for work leaving Sunday night. Any opionions on this?
I can get out of it if I have to.

If it's optional, I would skip it. Right now, your best bet is to be home.

Mys

Best solution is to take her with you! Otherwise I wouldn't go right now. If she can and will go, minimize the Relationship talk and have fun, as much fun as possible.

Tell the truth - thats fine. If you came to me telling me about your wife having an A and wanting to move into my place I would tell you: "I'm sorry about your sitch, but I can't let this stop me from renting to her if all else is good." They want money for their investment.

Don't tell them anything:
Dog's wife will move on her own if she wants to. Her choice, not his. All Dog can do at this point is plan A her unitl mid Feb and hope it works. Hope is not a plan.

I know that dishonesty on top of dishonesty is not always best, but what else would you tell Dog to do here. Remember - hope is not a plan

I not yelling at you, I just think that something drastic needs to be done to break up the A or protential for contact.

Yeah that's best not to say anything probably. Honesty is still best.

But I still like the idea of figuring out some "Dirty Trick", tactic is a better word, that will blow this thing up. Get her to get back to reality.

The truth is that she's the only one named on your current lease, and she'll be responsible for 2 rent checks at the same time if she moves before the lease is up. Particularly important 2 a low-income rental outfit, I would think. She can move when she's free of her obligation.

anyway, HELLO!?

Stick 2 the truth, as Mys says. Can't even imagine why anyone would think 2 do different.

-ol' 2long

Thanks 2long,

This is what I'm talking about when I asked for more ideas. Two rents to pay. Would be hard to do if you ask me.

Dog, how would she do this?

I asked and the answer was no.
She is still pretty adamant about not wanting to have a relationship with me "other than friends"

She couldn't unless she gets help from her mother. She asked if I would be willing to take over the lease, I said no. So now she also faces having to break the lease, which will cost at least one month's rent. I'm not going to pay it.

Right. There is a good chance that they'll rent to her. If she looks hard enough, she can probably find someone to rent to her regardless of what Dog tells them.


Plan A is a plan and so is Plan B. Plan A is designed to put an end to affairs by using two techniques: meeting emotional needs and exposing the affair. No where in Plan A is there a technique that says ensure that your spouse has no other options except to remain married to you.

There's no doubt that it would be better for the chances of marital recovery if Dog's wife were to stay with him (move with him, ideally) but she still gets to make her own choices. Dog can limit her choices with respect to him (ie. I won't live with you/be around you/support you/<whatever> ) but he simply doesn't have the ability (nor should he) to have absolute control over where she lives or what she does otherwise. He's going to run himself ragged if he tries.


Hope is not a plan. Meeting needs is a plan (Plan A). Exposure is a plan (Plan A). Withdrawing to a respectful distance and not meeting needs when the time comes is also a plan (Plan B). Boundaries are always a good plan (ie. not financing her seperate apt./life).

I'm not suggesting Dog sit idly by and twiddle his thumbs. No, I want him IN this. I just want him to behave honestly and ethically while he does it.


I don't feel yelled at.

Exposure is generally pretty drastic. Not supporting her financially is pretty drastic. Taking time off of work to be there and try to meet her needs when she's committed adultery is pretty drastic. Moving away from the OM (taking the other job) is pretty drastic. Those things are ethical, too.

Dog can't build a fence HIGH enough to keep her in if she wants to jump out of it. If he tries to curtail her movements or ability to make contact in some absolute manner then he's probably going to be guilty of a criminal act (unlawful imprisonment). At some point, you have to recognize your adult spouse's right to do really stupid things. You don't have to like it. You don't have to support it. Sometimes all you can do is get out of the way and let them live their consequences.

At the end of the day, I believe there are enough ethical, strategic things that can be done to end an affair that picking dishonest, unethical means is unnecessary. If you're resorting to those measures -- what do you think you're going to be able to put back together if you get a shot at recovery? A house built on sand will fall -- it doesn't matter where that sand came from -- whether it's dishonesty from the WS or dishonesty from the BS. Those chickens just always seem to come back to roost.

Anyway, it's just my opinion among many. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Take what you can use and leave the rest.

Mys

She came home from her dr. appointment (OBGYN). She had a blood test done and I asked for what and she goes "HIV, STD, I have been having this spotting going on and they want to check for chlamydia". ?!?!?

Anyway, after that we had a nice conversation about her work. It lasted about 45 minutes where she was telling all this going on and how things can be improved, etc...I listened and commented on some. There was more eye contact than ever since this stared going down two weeks ago.

She seemed upbeat about the whole thing, but she can also be very good at hiding her emotions and hurt and covering it up with a happy face. The body language tells me she is upset, but her voice and facial expressions say otherwise.

Still talking about moving out, etc...

Sort of blows the "Just Friends" thing out of the water!

I hear ya. Or, if she does have it I bet she will turn it around and try to say I gave it to her by having my own A (which I didn't).

She has asked me a couple of times if I have seen anyone else during this already.

Egads! If you've had unprotected sex with her then you need to make your own appointment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How awful.

Mys

Yup. The last time we have done anything physical was about 2.5 months ago. However, I will get checked.

DF:

If she's been tested because she suspected an STD, then there's a reason.

You should get tested as well.

and NO SF until you're sure it's safe.

-ol' 2long