ALL GOOD! You know the drill...

I'm going to keep it up. I see signs of the W I knew more and more. I feel confident that I can work towards saving our M, but I feel like I need her to stay with me in order to accomplish that.
I'm still in a panic about her moving. I feel like if that happens, it is lost.

You need to remember you can only control you.

Make your proposal and see what comes of it.

I think it may be a way to go But you might want to wait and see if you get any other feedback and talk to Steve H. Then go from there.

My appointment is tomorrow morning, and I fear it might already be too late. She said the apartment she is moving to might be ready as early as tomorrow.

One other thing that keeps me confident that NC is ongoing is she stopped checking my emails the night NC was establishd.
I just set up another email account she doesn't know about and didn't do anything else with my other ones. When they were seeing each other, she would check my emails every time she was on the computer. That hasn't happened since Saturday afternoon. Sorry, for some reason I just remembered that.

'Food:

You didn't say anything about my suggestion from a few pages back, so maybe you didn't see it.

Since you want 2 continue plan A, and she's likely 2 move soon, consider paying the rent on the apartment and staying in it for a while without taking over the lease. See what SH says. When it's time 2 go 2 plan B, if that's called for, remind her of her lease obligation in your plan B letter, then move.

I'd talk 2 the friend about the si2ation when you can. You say she's likeable? How can she be if she's supporting your W's efforts 2 destroy her marriage? She's a co-conspirator, and should be reminded of that fact.

-ol' 2long

Sorry 2long, I didn't see that. That is a good idea. Maybe at least for a month or so. That way, it does give her a place to come back to if she decides to it.
One way to keep contact is "visitation" with the cats. She is going to take them, but I can use that as an excuse to see her.

As for her friend, what I meant to say is that, under any other circumstances, she would be very likeable. I wanted to talk to her last night, but my WW kept by her side and I didn't get an opportunity to.
Not to mention, the friend is 19, and shows quite a bit of lack of maturity. I don't think she knows what she is getting into by moving out on her own. It will hit them that they will not have money to go out and do the things they have been doing. And, if I know my W, she will tire of having to live with this person. People like the friend tend to annoy my W after if she spends TOO much time with her.
Hanging out and doing stuff are one thing, living with a person is another.

If you want her to stay, remind her that she is responsible for breaking the lease. You WILL not take it over. Let her know that you are only interested in saving your M, and will not accomodate her leaving you. Make this as hard as possible for her to leave you. Let her be flat broke. Make sure she has no access to your finances, and cut up and/or cancel any credit cards. She can't leave you to stay in another apartment if she has no money to pay for it. She has to realize that she can't make it on her own. All the while continue to plan A her. She'll lash out at you for not making this easy on her, but you just ignore it. Trust me, my WW did not like the thought of having to make it completely on her own. Let her know that you will not be accomodating in ANY way, and that she will be completely on her own. She'll get pissed at you for "trapping" her, but she'll get over it. If she keeps saying you are trapping her, just point to the door and let her know that she can leave anytime.

Excellent point. Do I stay in the apartment for another month, or move out at the end of the month?

I guess what I am worried about is, if she moves out and then I follow suit, she will have no where to go if she decides she wants to leave her roommate, etc...that she will feel trapped.

She probably won't move out if she can't afford to break the lease. If she leaves and gets a new apartment, move all the marital stuff to storage, and stay at the old apartment, but make her pay the rent. If she doesn't, just let them come after her for breaking the lease and find somewhere else to stay for a few days. If she can't come up with the money, offer to buy her out of her new lease if she will move back in with you in the old apartment. Do you get what I'm saying?

Got it.

Stay in the apartment, at least until you have a sense of where this whole process is going. The cats are in your favor. This is a critical time. If you can stay there for 2 months, even a month at least, you'll have a better idea where things are going. Withdrawal will set in and she'll be miserable. It's even possible she comes to you for comfort, if you are able to portray that it's safe for her.

Remember this...a BS can become "addicted" to the drama, and if something doesn't happen on any particular day, a BS feels compelled to "make" something happen. Too often, the drama created by this is not helpful. A quiet day is a good day. Don't stir the pot if it doesn't need stirred.

Stay sane and stable, fully in Plan A, and seeking to establish a sense of normalcy in your interaction with your W. OK?

SD

Help her figure out a way to stay. If she moves and you stay she can still change her mind later. that all sounds positive to me.

You are getting some good things to work with.

I told her I was not going to take over the lease, but might stay for a month or two while I get things lined up.
She showed no reaction to this news.
I found out she is getting a one bedroom with her friend, so the rent will be cheaper. With he roommate, she will be able to handle everything except the student loan payment, which I am sure my MIL will take over until my WS can pay it herself.

She is still full steam ahead about moving out.

Went through some her stuff
She wrote down her feelings on a pad of paper.
Angry, Resentful, Excited, Depressed.

Saw some calculations and she is still going to be about $500 a month short of what she needs.

Coupled with breaking the lease and the cleaning charges that will incur (Our deposit is very low for our current place).

Also found a money order, which I think she is going to use to help pay the deposit.

Not looking to good, but will continue with Plan A for as long as possible.

And, it looks like she is going to see an attorney. I bet that is what the money order is for. She ran directions to an office of one.

I think she is going to talk about what kind of support she can get from me while we are seperated.

You live in a no fault state and you have no real assets. You've been married a short time and have no kids.

She won't likely be able 2 get anything from you that you don't agree 2. If you legally separate, your assets and responsibilities will be split 50/50 at that moment. I suppose it is possible that you'll be required 2 share the lease responsibility, but you may need legal advice about that.

See a lawyer yourself. SH will probably suggest this as well.

-ol' 2long

Just got off the phone with an attorney. The formula in my state is 1/2 the length of the marriage minus 1/2 of what she makes.

Also, in the long run, I would be responsible for 1/2 of the cost of breaking the lease.

Ugh..

Look at the bright side...the attorney she sees will give her a cold, hard look at the financial reality of walking away. It won't be any prettier to her, from her point of view. Sometimes, it's yet another peek through the fog!

Everything she does is not necessarily a BAD thing. Sometimes they do stuff that turns out to be counterproductive, which works for you, rather than against.

Remain calm...got that party for the cats planned for tomorrow or Thursday?

SD

I'll see about putting it together for tomorrow afternoon. Pprobably no bubbly, or very little. She is working nights the rest of the week.

I am wondering if the attorney is not telling her what she wants to hear. I sent a text message briefly stating how lame DMV is (they wouldn't let me renew my registration because it is due tomorrow....huh?) and hoped her day was going well. That was an hour ago and I have heard nothing back. Usually, when she is in a good mood (realitively), she will at least send two words back...but nothing this time. Same thing happend on Sunday, and that is when she really laid into me.

I am expecting someone to be in a very bad mood when they come home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />