You could also take the OM's boss to lunch or meet with him "man-to-man" and tell him the situation.

Tell him you're not looking to get anyone fired, but you want this guy to leave your wife alone.

If the boss is married, it might strike a chord within him and he may be sympathetic enough to lean on the OM a bit.

He may even be willing to "lay down the law" with the OM to back off or face penalties.

Chances are this guy's character is known and most everyone at work knows this is within his scumbagginess.

Maybe just the sight of you meeting with his boss would be enough to scare him straight.

I commend your desire to not bring anymore pain and destruction into the lives of the OMW and his kids, but to be fair, He's the one who is bringing the destruction down on them. You are doing what you need to protect your marriage.


Just a thought.

you can also start clueing OMW in on some of the potential things that could be happening, explain to her about 180's explain to her that she needs to protect her finances have her start doing the things that her WH will notice and if he thinks she is starting to do thing to protect herself he will get very very very nervous

BT, but don't wait on this. Strike while the iron is hot! You also don't need her to expose to some key targets such as the OM's boss and the director of HR or his parents.

Okay, back from lunch, let's see if I can catch up.....

I don't want her letting him know ahead of time that we are going to meet for one thing. When we meet I want to see if she'll agree to not tell him everything I say (and maybe I can come up with something harmless to tell her as a test).

Well, actually, my PI is fictional. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A selfish reason to put it on her instead of me is so that my wife won't jack me around financially. My wife makes a lot more than I and is subsiding me (or I couldn't even afford this apartment). Last night she started with the "obviously I'm giving you more money than you need if you can afford to hire a PI." I told her I had borrowed some money from my mother for unspecified reasons and was selling camera equipment to pay her back (and actually had cameras and lenses strewn across part of the floor, although I didn't put them there for disinformation reinforcement). I'll go that route if needed but would prefer to appear as a bystander. I would just as soon not open the legal can of worms that suing for spousal support would require (plus I've got zip money for that anyway).

Unfortunately I don't know his parents names. No public birth records to be found on the internet for him. The OM's boss is all I have and as related in a previous post I want to talk to the OMW about that.

Let me just complicate the "talking to his wife immediately scenario" by saying that she is with their daughter who was hospitalized with dehydration. She should be out in a day or two. I WILL call her after work. If she is at the hospital & if the OM won't be there I may be able to meet her there tonight.

Again ML, my thanks.

BT

Here is what I did. Do a free intellius search on OM. On the free search it will list the name of a relative (usually parent). Take that name and do another search. Find someone around the right age. Come on man, you don't need a PI to find out this info these days with the internet. If you spend $50, you could find everything you ever wanted about this guy including parking tickets, SSN, past residences, and all his relatives.

Well, some snooped info is a LOT better than other info. What I've got going now is the best way for me to know about future contact (short of knocking her out and implanting a microphone, transmitter, GPS, and a nuclear power pack). I believe strongly that I can provide sufficient info to the OMW without revealing really good stuff that could only have been obtained in a particular way. We don't live in the same household anymore so my future options for snooping are limited. If I'm to get my WW back (and that's a BIG if) it will be WELL down the road. I'm real aware that the clock for that can't start until there is NC, believe me, but I want to be in the best position to know if there is contact.

Thanks.

BT

BetrayedToo's new screenname: JAMES BOND 007! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My wife has enough money to throw at experts to find the methods, unfortunately, and I don't have any doubt that she will if I'm the fount of knowledge about things. She's "happy for the first time in my life" and no way, Jose, will she give up (unless perhaps she thought doing so would protect the OM from something or other, and maybe not even then). No, until shown otherwise I believe the OMW working on the OM (and doing exposure) has the best chance.

I think she knows, and I did say something. She asked me last night if I knew what the major problem was between the OM & OMW, thinking to surprise me with her revelation of the problem. Too bad, I already knew. I told her no sex but that I understood that was no longer a problem. I will hit the sex angle again if the opportunity presents itself. (Maybe I'll get the OMW the Kama Sutra and some of that KY Massage Oil and Personal Lubricant that the OM gave my WW for her birthday.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BT

The boss is going through a divorce himself, and it isn't his first marriage. Until I came across the cell phone bill that showed the OM calling my wife once from his home number, the boss was my #2 suspect. It is, however, something I've considered and will think about again. At least one woman down there knows the whole story. I'm sure she finds it oh so romantic, gag a maggot.

BT

You know, you're right about that. If she started making financial moves (like new a checking account) that might get his attention. I don't want to bombard her with too much at once. I want to find out everything her husband told her (or she knows some other way), talk about the importance of NC, tell her that for my wife this adultery has been a full blown romantic affair and she is especially NO FRIEND OF YOUR MARRIAGE (or words to that effect), be sure she understands based on questions my wife hit me with last night that they are still in contact, give her SAA, and talk about exposure. I also want to know if she has some huge brothers who could talk to her husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Seriously though, I will ask her who else knows and is giving her support (and I'm well aware of revenge affairs, so we ain't gonna head down that road; I can't be her sole support and hope that I'm not at this point). For sure I'll need to make myself an outline to be sure I cover everything. Vikingruler, the thought of the OM getting very very very nervous is almost as good as the thought of him getting very very very very nervous.

BT

Well, been there, done that (back in October, I believe) although I opted for some extra info & paid more money. I just did the freebie again. The other male listed must be a brother, he's not his father (but thanks for the suggestion). I also later ran a paid search on his wife when I was hoping to find out where she worked.

By the way, let me say something about those searches.... The info you get isn't necessarily right! My paid search on the OM showed a previous marriage complete with her name plus the dates and places of marriage and divorce. I went so far as to try and figure out where the ex lived (had 10 or so to try if she was still in Texas and hadn't remarried, hoping she would tell me he was a serial adulterer so could clue my WW in). Roughly two months later while working on the ex-wife angle I accidentally found (using mypeoplefinder, I think) that there was another person with the OM's name (MI same but MN different) and same year of birth. That was the guy who was married and divorced, not the OM. I'm glad I didn't waste anything more than my time pursuing the supposed ex-wife.

BT

Knock on wood, I think I'm finally caught up on replies (apologies to anyone I missed), so I can go away until tonight (4 or 5 hours away). I bet there is some more drama by the time I get back (especially if I get through to the OMW).

By the way, ML, I don't think I've ever told you that I like your Bible verse sig. I do, it's all so true.

BT

One day after my last post the OM's wife returned my phone call (so January 11th). She was unwilling to meet and wants to "put all this behind me." She believes things are working out in her marriage. I told her that I would send her a book or two that might help and assured her that I would use her business address (lest her high-school-senior twins see the books).

I was able to get the books off on Wednesday, the 17th. I sent Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Give & Take, and The Five Love Languages. I also sent her a 3 page letter. In the letter I encouraged her, stressed the need for support, talked about the intensity and length of the physical affair (so no way her husband is over my wife), and gave some other general advice. I plugged this site for support if she is unwilling to get local support (which I believe is the case). I opened with talking about "putting it all behind her" and ended that paragraph telling her that in my opinion what she'll really accomplish is to put her marriage behind her. In her euphoric call to me three days after exposure she told me how my WW was the OM's "best friend." I flatly said in the letter that she is then your worst nightmare. Since two of the things my WW questioned me about back on the 10th could only be known to her from talking to the OM, I stressed that they were still in contact.

Whoa, talk about a firestorm!! On Friday, two days after I sent the package, my WW and the OM were beside themselves. Their biggest concern was the letter. What did it say! They talked twice for a total of over an hour and planned to talk again Sunday (that's today) night. My WW followed that up with a call to her sister in which she told her lie after lie about me and what was going on. She was not looking forward to being around me the next day. My WW called her attorney Friday (I assume telling some of the same lies) and will be filing for a legal separation this week. Also, it really sounds like my WW is constantly looking over her shoulder.

Saturday (yesterday) my WW and I attended our granddaughter's birthday party. My wife stayed over and I came drove back afterwards, but we talked for half an hour or so before I left. Some of the talk was about some things we needed to take care of. The last topic though escalated things. My WW makes a LOT more than me. Before we sold our home and moved into residences she had agreed to give me a certain amount of money monthly as well as pay for all the things I would need to buy to set up a new household. Well, I've been bad and she sees no reason to write me a check. There was a good bit of back and forth in a back bedroom. I asked her several times to please not start down that road because neither of us will like what happens (no pleading, whinning, or begging I promise, more like a veiled threat). Bottom line is that I need to leave her to her happiness or else. Well, if I don't pay the bills I'm responsible for and bankruptcy looms that will bother her a WHOLE lot more than it will me. She told me she would see in two weeks how I was acting. I told her that sounded like just stalling because she was planning something and that wouldn't do. She's had all night to stew plus give our daughter and son-in-law "just a taste of what it has been like for our marriage" (something she did with our other grown daughter). With luck she won't be able to talk to the OM on the drive back but will talk to him from home tonight (assuming he can break away from this wife). That would be super for me. One of the things she asked me several times was when I hired the (imaginary in reality) PIs. Upon reflection I think she and the OM are worried that I spelled out explicit details of places, dates, and times they got together in my letter. Maybe there is some place they would like to use again. I could be wrong, but I'm strongly suspicious given the way my wife had a secret list of things to find out back on the 9th. Why ask when I hired the PIs?

Okay, now you're up to date. I think it is going to be a very interesting (and upsetting) week for all involved.

BT