My H and I are in the recovery phase of his A. There are many triggers that can easily set me to feeling sad and depressed. One of them is our couch in our living room because I know that my H and the OW used it for S. Is it normal to want to get rid of clothes that he wore with her and a new couch? I even want a new car and I've been looking to move out of my house to a new one because I feel like she invaded my personal space. Is this just an excuse for me not moving on? Any suggestions?

You are not crazy to want to get rid of these things.

Getting rid of the couch should be something your husband should support. Buying new clothes is not out of line -- even if it means you burn his "favorite golf shirt".

If it helps you heal, then he should be behind it -- with enthusiasm.

New car, new house? Would the financial burden of that cause more problems? If not, then I would be all for it. If you can't really afford a new car, then maybe have it detailed inside and out -- symbolically cleaned of the OW's stench.

If you can't move, then how about redecorating? New paint/wallpaper? New carpet, those wood floors you've always wanted. . .

I'm all for "taking back" territory that was co-opted for the affair.

If you take the opinion that, "I can NEVER get over this while we still drive that car or live in this house!", then, yes, I think you're focusing too much on the pain and not the recovery.

If you take the opinion that, "That car / house / couch is a daily reminder of the pain and betrayal and, while I can get over it in time, it would make things much easier on me and allow me to focus more energy on healing if we got rid of them.", then I think you're right on track.

I've got a bag of triggers myself -- things I see that I can't fix. "Excuse me, sir, would you mind letting me blow up your hotel / restaurant / store where my wife and her OM had sex / ate / spent time together so I don't have to look at it every morning I drive to work?"

I have to remind myself that our marriage is still intact, healing is taking place and I have my wife, not the OM.

Blessings

BTDT - got the badge.

My FWW and the OM also had SF on one of our couches in the living room. She moved it into bedroom sometime after the A had ended, and was apparently unconcerned about the effect its presence there would have on me - her thinking was that it wasn't affecting her, so it shouldn't affect me. Seriously.

I finally got tired of talking about it with her and waiting for her to show at least *some* empathy about the situation. I called a friend of mine and asked him to bring his pickup over to cart away the sofa and the chairs as well.

I wanted to get rid of the bed too (they enjoyed SF there as well - the first time they had SF together, and the time she invited him to spend the night), but I've essentially "reclaimed" it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I still think every now and then of taking it outside and burning it though.

My suggestion: don't wait for your (F)WS to come to their senses and show *any* empathy for what those triggers do for you. Take your own steps to deal with them. You will feel better about it later.