My W (No_More) and I recently survived a near-death experience in our marriage. Actually, the event was fatal. Though we are back, and wonderfully so - our marriage had died. Everything about it shriveled up and died. I know both of us doubted that marriage would ever return from the dead. Gratefully it hasn’t and never will. Good riddance! We didn’t like you anyway! The last thing we want is our old marriage wandering around our house, bumping in to things and threatening to eat our brains! If you’ve read Stephen King’s “Pet Cemetery” you know that even if you loved something, once it is dead, you really don’t want it back.

Happily, what has grown up in place of our old marriage is something we never dreamed of. We never dreamed of it because we never believed something so wonderful was possible outside the realm of romantic fantasy. We are building the marriage that we’ve always wanted and never knew was possible. The whole idea of needing to destroy something in order to build it better, the dualistic nature of pain and joy and their dependence on each other for existence is really a profound one, but probably better for another forum.

Part of what is making this amazing new relationship possible is having had the opportunity to see each other at our worst and watching what we do. As Seraph says in the Matrix, “You never really know someone until you fight them.” You never really know someone until you see them under extreme pressure and duress. You can hope you know who they are and how they will act. You can even have faith based on limited experience that they will do the ‘right’ thing. But you don’t know. You don’t know how your spouse will act when everything you do for them is taken away – when they are left with nothing but the hope of those things returning. Will they leave when I can’t do anything for them at all? Will they leave if I hurt them? Or what if my spouse is put in a position of great temptation? I hope they will choose right but maybe the only reason they have done so thus far is lack of pressure or opportunity. Seeing your spouse perform under those conditions, and being so happy with the outcome is amazing and ‘priceless’ information. It engenders great trust.

The other startling effect of this breaking down and building up has come through the PORH. I admit I kind of doubted my W was going to get anything other than pain from my part of the exercise, but I also saw that still needed to happen. What I didn’t understand is that the PORH is not about information – names, dates, activities – it is about experiences. “This is what I’ve done and why. This is what I feel. This is who I am.” Instead of an exchange of data, the PORH was an opportunity to tell each other our stories, our real stories. Now my W knows more about me than my pastor or my own mother. Unlike them she was able to see the bad AND the good, to love the good and understand the bad from a loving point of view. Knowing the weak, she can actively participate in turning that weakness into strength. She also never has to fear that while opening a closet in my heart a skeleton may fall out. When she says she loves me, I know who she’s talking about. Me. All of me. The feeling of being totally known, totally naked and being loved all the more is amazing. What a shame most of us go our entire lives without that remarkable feeling. Only God knows as much and loves us more. By feeling my W’s acceptance and even admiration in spite of her comprehensive knowledge makes God’s love even more believable. It also makes for some pretty hot sex!

The real reason I decided to post this is while thinking about this whole process and where I want it to go, I began to realize that the PORH isn’t enough. I want to know even more about my W. I want to employ the PORI – Policy of Radical Intimacy. I want to draw her in ever closer – to truly become that “One” we’ve heard so much about. I want her to know that there is nothing too private, nothing too personal and nothing unpleasant about her at all. The idea has emotional implications obviously. “I love everything about you. You cannot scare me. You cannot repulse me.” It also has practical implications. For example, I want to hear my W pass gas. We aren’t farters. I’ve never heard her let loose except from the other side of a closed bathroom door. “We just don’t do that in our house.” Why would I want that to change? Not because I like flatus but I because I don’t want there to be anything between us, anything at all. There is nothing too private, nothing too personal and nothing unpleasant about her. As it stands, the message is “Honey, there are just some things about you I don’t want to know.” Not True! Even worse, it creates a situation in which when she really does need to fart and her bowels are wrapped in knots, like after that bad sushi, instead of feeling comfortable enough to relieve that pain in my presence, she continues in pain all the way home because she is too embarrassed. Why? Roll down the windows and let ‘er rip! I don’t enjoy farts, who does? But when they happen there is no shame. There might even be a little giggle. To clarify, the idea is not whether spouses should or shouldn’t pass gas around each other. Let’s not miss the point and start a tangential thread. That is simply an example. The deal is, I want her to know that I love her, all of her. There is nothing too private, nothing too personal and nothing unpleasant about her.

So we are going to have a fart day. For 24 hours she is not allowed to fart without me knowing and hearing it. No one-sided cheek sneaks! If we are together, she has to come over and get her finger pulled – and not hold back. If I don’t hear it, it didn’t happen. If we are apart, she has to put the phone up to her butt – like Ace Ventura. “Do you have breath mint?”

Anyway, some rambling thoughts. Don’t mean to turn this forum in to my blog. Based on past experience though, I may get a freak or two out there who finds my thoughts interesting enough to add some of their own.