I just got blind sighted recently that my husband wants a divorce. As far as he's concerned he was never truely in love with me and only stayed to be with our little girl who is now 2yo. We have since then also had a little boy 7mon that was a planned pregnancy. He says he thought he could make himself be with me for the sake of his family, but that he's just never been happy. Of course we've had our problems like any other married couple. The now problem is that he's started talking to an old high school friend that is also feeling trapped in her marriage and they are leaning on eachother for support. All the while i'm fighting to keep my marriage. He says he's fallen in love with her. How do you try to fight for someone when you have another woman feeding him all her BS too.

I'm an emotional wreck over how to fight for my husband. He say her while we were on vacation in his hometown....other than that we live out of state from her. He can't move up there for almost another 2yrs because of being stationed here. I don't believe they have actually slept together, but i know he's planning a life with her.

The only communication they can have is by phone and email....what about her husband? I don't even know if she's told him any of this. I've tried the begging....I've tried the pleading....how will he ever be open to listening to reason with her around?

This is very unattractive behavior, so good you stopped this. No more relationship talk. Time to start Plan A.

Have you read as much as possible on this site?

Also everything he is saying about not loving you, never loving you is classic. It is just rationalizations to himself to justify his affair. All classic and part of what we call the Fog.

You are going to have to expose to her husband, he can be your biggest ally.

Welcome to MB - I'm sorry that you need to be here, but it is a very good place to help your marriage (M).

Is your husband (H) in the military?

Your M is not over and can be rebuilt. Stick around and others will be along shortly to help.

Stop begging and pleading, and calm yourself down. That is the first step. You have work to do and you can't afford to be falling apart.

In order to save your marriage, you must do everything in your power to kill the affair. Everything he is saying, "he was never truely in love with me" is CLASSIC, TEXTBOOK fogbabble spoken by someone in an addictive affair. As soon as the affair is over he will not feel this way. Nor did he feel this way BEFORE the affair. He is simply rewriting history to rationalize his affair.

But we can help you save your marriage if you do a few things. It won't be easy and you will have to have lots of patience and willingness to do some hard things. But there is always a chance if you are willing to be tough here.

Your best strategy will be to do everything in your power to kill the affair and attract him back. I would start off by putting a keylogger on his computer before you do anything, though.

Then you will want to expose his affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it will ruin the fantasy aspect. This is your most powerful weapon right here. But it must be done thoughtfully and strategecally.

I would make up a list of exposure targets starting with the OW's husband that includes your H's parents, your parents, OW's parents, close friends and influential siblings, pastor, etc. Call them up on the SAME DAY for the maximum effect. Tell them who you are, tell them about the affair, and ask for their support in ending the affair and saving your family. Team up with the OWH so you can help each other watch them from both sides. Suggest to him that he expose on his end.

Don't tell your H that you plan on doing any of this. In the meantime, order the book Surviving an Affair from this website. Will be back with more....

Find the husband and expose to him. Also expose to your WH's family and friends. Install a keylogger on his computer and monitor his phone calls. If it is a land line, block her number and block her email address from your WH's email account.

The answer to your question is that he won't be open to listening to reason with her around. That is why you need to actively bust this up. I'm sure if OWH is involved, he can really help out with this. Your first and most important mission is to find OWH at all costs and speak with him.

grney,

So he is openly emailing and calling her? No sneaking and lieing going on?

I happen to see that as a positive in your sitch. He is hit hard by the Fog that is for sure.

I say Plan A, Plan A, Plan A and no time to lose. He won't know what hit him when you become even more charming and attractive than the OW.

Begging and pleading never worked for me as you have already found out. You need to turn into a different, confident person who is unphased by these affair activities.

Keylogger, phone records online....get them.

Definately call the OWH ASAP. They are in the phase of telling each other their marital problems, painting a bad portrait of the spouces and looking to each other for support. Bust this up NOW.

Plan A: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Plan A simplified by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I know it is hard not to LB with this going on, but now is the time to win back your WH. Lot and lots of flirting and admiration followed by passionate SF. Make him forget the OW. I know it may seem unnatural to do these things right now, but this will help you save your M. If he resists, keep trying. Men are usually suckers when a woman is persistent in pursuing them.

He is in the military. He gets out in less than 2 yrs...which he then plans to move back to his hometown.

I have tried the flirting, passionate approach. It worked for about a week, and now he is closed off from it also. He thinks he has his mind made up so much that he doesn't even wanna let me hug him.

And i'm worried that the exposure is just going to throw them together easier. I mean what if i tell her husband and he just leaves her....then they have much more opportunities.

A keylogger is not possible....He is a computer guru and would find that on his computer in a heartbeat....which would make me lose him FOREVER. I have #'s to her but he knew i was looking up the cell bill so now he's pulled me from the account and changed the online password. I can't block the emails cuz i he's made a new one on yahoo just for her and i don't even know the screenname.

No, he is much more likely to want to work on his marriage and won't have that opportunity unless you tell him. Even if he did leave, which is unlikely, it would still HARM the affair rather than help it. Either way, you can't lose with exposure. It is the most potent weapon you have.

By keeping the affair a secret, you are essentially ENABLING it, do you know that?

If he is in the military, you would also want to expose to his Company commander. He will put a stop to that REAL QUICK.


Being pleasant for a "week" isn't going to get you very far. He may not be responsive now, but at least you won't be REPELLING him by begging and pleading. He is "closed off" because of his AFFAIR. That is why you have to kill his affair.

And no, he hasn't made his mind up, he is very confused.

So he is actively and openly hiding things from you?

Is the OW or her husband also in the military?


You also need to get the name of the OW's husband and contact him to let him know what is going on.

The first order of business is to destablize the affair. As long as they think it's a fantasy world they can keep to themselves, they will continue on. But when reality begins to "crash the party" it usually winds up ending the affair. Sometimes quickly and sometimes over a longer period, but the vast majority of all affairs DO end.

So don't waste anymore time, get the "exposure train" moving.

God bless.

I've exposed him into telling me a few things. So he's no longer hiding it....just not letting me know what is going on exactly. KWIM?

No, neither of them are military also.

Get a SIM card reader and software program to recover deleted items. Better yet, just take him SIM card and keep it. Let him get a new phone. Don't take his [censored]. Stand up for yourself.

grneyes, when we speak of exposure, we mean to folks who don't know about the affair. Your H already knows he is having an affair.

I understand that. I'm trying to find info on the husband right now.

I read his text messages this AM while he was in the shower, and they hurt more than anything. She is telling him too how much she loves him and all kinds of things. And i'm not convinced something might have happened while we were in town. He knows this girl previously from high school....so as to someone else's comment about it being on vacation *it's not some random person but someone he already knew.

I didn't tell him i saw the messages. If i did he would just be more careful. I think he fully just doesn't care anymore and that's why he's not erasing his #'s and messages. I'm so confused.

It's getting tougher and tougher to fight back all of my hurt towards him. With each day he pulls himself away from me more and more. He is in the living room watching TV and he NEVER does that. I asked if he wanted to watch something in bed with me *like usual and of course he just wants to sit in his recliner he says.

I'm trying to find info on OW husband still to expose this to him, but no luck yet. Besides the fact that in all truth i'm scared to death to tell him. I hope to Goodness he isn't a psycho and try to do something to my husband. I know i want to tell him though cuz it's the only way.

From what i got out of the text messages she had a job interview today. I'm guessing she is trying to get a job so she can leave her husband. I don't think she's told him anything, nor that she wants a divorce.

I could really use some kind words of wisdom from someone. I check back to this site several times a day, but no other responses. Should i still be telling my husband i love him...goodnight....good morning....try to hold his hand in car....all the while he is either ignoring me or asking me to stop? I told him i'm not trying to pretend everything is fine...just that i love him no matter what.

All the while he sits at work ALL day and talks to OW on email, phone, and text messages. I have the support of his sisters telling him to work things out, but his dad just tells him to do what makes him happy. And of course he thinks that the OW is the one that makes him happy....Cuz as you can guess *he's in LOVE, bleck. Please tell me if i'm doing alright so far.

We have an appt Thursday for a marriage counselor. I know he's going more for his sister *cuz she asked him to* than me but is it good he's atleast going?

grneyes, again, I would strongly encourage you to expose the affair to the OW's H and her parents if you want to save your marriage. Look up the phone # in the internet phone book. Call the OW's house, disguising your #, and just ask for the OWH. But nothing is going to happen here until you start causing trouble for the affair.

Didn't you tell me he is in the military? If so, call his Company commander. We have had affairs end that DAY from exposure to one's CO because they will not tolerate it.

You are going to have start doing something, though, in order to save your marriage.

Again, MC is a waste of time if one of the partners is in an affair.

Here is an outline of Plan A that might be helpful.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.